Want to talk to him - not sure if I should - very confused please help

[Cindersam]

My ex dumped me 6 weeks ago. He broke up with me over the phone I was in shock - did not see it coming He simply said he didn't have those "in love" feelings anymore. He said he has other feelings for me but not the "in love" ones. We had been together for a little over 6 years. I was so in shock that I didn't say much of anything. I thought it was normal to lose that "in love" feeling after that long of a time together and move on to a more mature type of love We got along great and didn't fight. He swears there is no one else. A week after he dumped me I sent him a letter (nice but not emotional) saying I would like to talk about things that I had realized since we broke up. I did not blame him for anything. I have not heard from him and have not contacted him in the past 5 weeks. After a lot of thought I have realized where things may have gone wrong. I really want to discuss it with him. Since we broke up over the phone in a 3 minute conversation I do not feel that we have discussed anything and after 6 years together where the majority of it was really great, I feel we should at least attempt to talk about it. I think from what he said that he is also confused as to why the "in love" feelings are gone. I have been reading the posts on here all about the NC if you want someone back which is why I haven't contacted him since the letter. I am very torn as to what to do. I REALLY want to talk to him and think it would help to put things into perspective but I don't want to push him away. I still love him very much. At the very least if it doesn't help to get him back it may help me with closure. Closure is not what I want but if there is no hope than I need to know that and the only way I will is to talk to him, right?

[jessicake]

wow... it must have been hard to end a 6 yr relationship in 3 minutes!!!

 

are you guys long distance or anything? why did he do it over the phone?? i'm shocked and feel for you very much....

 

you are so strong that you didnt contact him for 6 weeks... but in my opinion, closure is very necessary.... after a 6 year relationship... you definitely deserve some sort of clourse..!!!

 

would there be another reason as to the break up? was things not going very well the last couple of months you guys were togehter?

[Cindersam]

No we are not long distance. I'm not sure why he did it over the phone, I have wondered that myself. I think maybe it was easier for him. But I feela fter 6 years I derserved to hear it in person He had been distancing himself from me mainly just not seeing as much of each other as we used to. He was under a lot of stress with his job and his kids (he has three plus a wacko ex-wife) and when I would ask him if anything was wrong he would always say it was the kids or the job He never hinted that it was me. Sometimes I think that maybe he just needed some time to himself and the only "stressor" he could get rid of was me (even though he didn't act like I was a stressor). Many times he would tell me that I was the only thing in his life keeping him sane.

[Boughs]

I'm sure he is upset... but he is discovering what he needs. You too should go ahead and discover your own needs. Try to figure out if a guy that wishes to date for so long and throw it out in a 3 minute convo is what you want. If you think he did it unsure, and honestly believe him... then perhaps there is a chance of re-uniting. But if you have an ounce of hate of what he did, I don't think it'll work... as it'll haunt EVERY ASPECT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

My suggestion is to keep moving, don't check up on him... don't text him... don't message him, keep the NC rolling. I find that ignorance can help cope, and when time passes by a bit, where you can honestly collect your thoughts, you should really consider what happened. At this moment, let go.

 

Hope that helps

[blahblah2006]

I believe after 6 years of being together you deserve a clear explanation of why he broke up with you. It doesnt even sound like he gave your relationship time to change or get that love back. I remember when i broke up with my GF, i gave her a super clear explanation why, i also gave us a chance to try and get what we were missing back. We tried it just didnt work out and now we are good friends. Every day i wonder if i did the right thing and i believe i did. Because we were no longer happy, i could have lived with it, but i couldnt stand the thought of her going through it as well.

 

Thats just some personal things. But yes i believe you should ask him why? what was missing? and would you be willing to give "us" another chance to get that back?

 

I hope it all works out in the end.

[papalazarou]

After 6 years its ended by a phone call. That SUCKS.

 

If nothing else you DESERVE an explanation...face to face.

[kath123]

my relationship of eleven years ended three months ago,initially my ex parntner told me that although he loved me it wasnt the right kind of love anymore..this is the same explanation your ex has given you..i pressed for a better reason and realised myself that there must have been someone else in the picture,and eventually he admitted that he had developed feelings for this other woman. That was the last time i spoke to him about anything other that acsess visits etc for our kids.

i wrote in a book when i felt very down and posted on this site,but never once gave him an idea of my true heartache..

now after three months he is the one in pain as he realises what he lost..and even though i have wished for this day to come so i could see him suffering the reality is very different,i know i still love him and im torn about carrying on with my healing process or give him another chance..

I understand that you must be torturing yourself with why he really left you,and i think it is very important to know..the only way you can do this is to contact him..but you must be certain that youre ready for anything,ready for more hurt because that is a high possibility..I hope it wont be like that but if your only contacting him with the hope of a reconcilliation then it may be that you will have to start that healing process all over.because even if you dont realise it you are futher up that road than you know..if closure will help you move on easier then i would say definitely get in touch,,i know i would never have been able to accept such a feeble break up after six years and even though the truth i had to learn from my ex hurt so bad it helped in the long run!!

i wish you all the luck in the world..but remember to stay strong and dont plead with him !!

[Cindersam]

Thank you all. It's nice to hear someone else think I deserve more of an expalnation. I really feel a need to talk to him even though I know I may just end up getting hurt more. I plan on contacting him after Christmas. Any suggestions on how I should go about it or what I should say to make him more likely to have an honest (in person) conversation with me?????

[selfi]

Prehaps you could write him a letter first?

[whenamansloveisreal]

hi there. i am in the same position and i feel for those hurting as well. all i would like is to be able to speak with a woman i love and for us to come up together with a plan either to try again or not. i hold only love in my heart, would welcome a chance or respect what she needs. i have tried so hard to reach her - i wish she would help both us ease back by replying to this.

she has all my contact info - i can't contact her. i wish she would have faith and trust.

[Ellie2006]

Cindersam,

 

I am sorry you're hurting right now

And I agree w/ everyone that after a six-year relationship, you deserve more than a 3 min. break-up phone convo.

 

I don't mean to hurt you by pointing this out but hasn't he already told you everything about his current state of mind re: your relationship via his actions?

 

1. His insensitivity in breaking up w/ you over the phone.

2. His callous non-response to your letter requesting to talk things over.

3. His silence for the past five weeks.

 

I understand your wish to talk to him but what can he tell you that he has not already told you via his actions?

 

Yes, closure is important but I am sure you've read elsewhere on these forums that the other person sometimes cannot provide the closure you need and often, you must try to find closure within yourself.

 

If you feel as though you MUST speak with him, you may want to consider calling him and asking him to meet to talk things over.

 

BUT before you do this, I ask you to give a serious thought to the following: a) will anything he has to say make me feel better?

b) will having more details about his reasons for breaking up help me heal faster or will the information set me back?

 

Best wishes to you,

Ellie

[sillygurl]

 

Yes, closure is important but I am sure you've read elsewhere on these forums that the other person sometimes cannot provide the closure you need and often, you must try to find closure within yourself.

 

If you feel as though you MUST speak with him, you may want to consider calling him and asking him to meet to talk things over.

 

As usual, I completely agree with Ellie! You DO deserve closure, but based on your ex's actions, it doesn't sound like you will get it. You'll have to get closure on your own, only you can do this for yourself! Noone can heal you but you right now.

 

I went through a similar situation with my (ex) husband, he told me over the phone he wanted a divorce...I never got a chance to communicate with him, nor share my hurt feelings with him....but I did write in my journal, go hiking, find new interests and friends, write cathartic letters to him which I never intended to send, etc. Now he is engaged to someone else, and just gave her the ring I wanted! There is nothing I can do about his callous attitude, just like there is nothing you can do to change what you went though!

 

But I have to tell you, if I hadn't been working on me, for me, the news about the ring would have hit me a lot harder than it did. Thanks to all the hard work I did to achieve closure on my own, rather than sending me into ice-cream and tears for a week, the news about the ring stung for a few minutes, and then I realized I wasn't that bothered about it.

 

If you call him, you'll probably end up feeling worse, as he will likely say something you don't want to hear! Don't embarrass yourself by calling, just do what you can to heal yourself till you feel better, regardless of his reasoning for leaving!