Has he fed me a pack of lies??

[babybear]

I’m 17. I went on my dad’s computer whilst he was out the other day so I could print something and found he had left msn up with someone saying something strange to him. Cut the story short I read his emails and he had been sending many to women looking for sexy chat and there were confirmations of dating agencies. They all said his name, his birthday, there were a couple of emails which mentioned his life – i.e. he got a new job and where he went on holiday.

I had suspected in the past because I had found a perverted chat log from that msn account about a year ago. Only a couple of sentences - not a full convo. At the time I asked my dad and brother if it were their email account without mentioning the chat and they both insisted it wasn’t theirs. Thus I forgot about it.

I confronted my dad when I found all these emails the other day. His explanation to me and my mother (who was shocked and horrified):

His friend is splitting up from his wife and wants to meet new people. Sometimes he can’t get onto the msn for reasons like he’s not at a place with msn or his wife might be around and so fwds messages or rings my dad to ask him to copy and paste these messages to various women. My dad only occasionally does this as a favour for him and didn’t send all the emails to the women. My dad had no idea his friend was using his name and details and said his friend probably did that because he didn’t want to give all the details out about himself on the internet thus he just uses my dad’s life – i.e. the new job etc. My dad apparently never reads any of the messages he has been told to copy and paste to these women on msn and didn’t know they were perverted.

Admittedly, on the profile on the dating agency it said he liked ‘well-built women’ and my dad likes thin women. Also on an email he attached a picture of himself but the picture was not my dad. thereforeeee is it his friend sending these emails?

I don’t know if he’s fed us a pack of lies????

[Maverick32x]

hmm.. what were you doing looking around in your dad's computer? and bringing it up in front of your entire family probably wasn't the best way to get a truthful answer....... I'm confused by your last sentence, the picture was of him? or his friend?

either way, if hes using his own name and information, they defintly are emails from him to other women..... It sounds like he did lie to you in my opinion, but I don't think thats what is important... I think you should go to your mom alone, and not infront of the family and talk to her... if there is a problem and you feel like you need to intervene, suggest marriage counsoling or something like that.... Perhaps this has been a reoccurring issue that you werent aware of? who knows?! Either way, talk to your mom one on one and see what she says, and try not to be confrontational, but concerned.

[babybear]

I needed his computer to print something so went on and his msn was up with some woman saying something perverted so i felt entitled to for my mothers sake. i confronted my dad alone and then he told my mother himself and then we all talked about it (me my mum and dad).

The picture was not of my father.

Now me and my mum don't know whether to believe him.

[sparkle1]

For what it is worth......

 

IMO men tend to be pretty cra ppy liers.

 

they are even worse at 'thinking on their feet' when confronted.

 

this is a pretty elabroate story to think up....if it weren't true.

 

Conversely - how old is your father and this friend? good god - it resembles a "my mate fancies you" scenerio....

[babybear]

My father is 52. initially our convo went like this:

dad: its just a joke

me: in what way

dad: its just my mate sending messages he wants to meet women. then as i asked more questions the more detailed the story became.

[sparkle1]

My father is 52. initially our convo went like this:

dad: its just a joke

me: in what way

dad: its just my mate sending messages he wants to meet women. then as i asked more questions the more detailed the story became.

 

even still....it is quite an elaborate story do you not think?

 

I mean if he was having an affair - or flirting on line (which ever you think it is) he wouldn't have been prepared for you to have caught him. He would of thereforeeee panicked and made up some c0ck and ball story.....

 

But - what worries me is the fact you don't trust your dad?

 

X

[Lboogie23]

He may have already thought up this lie, just in case. when people are lying the story is usually elaborate. what does your mom think about all this?

[Maverick32x]

you feel that was a GOOD lie!?!!? That was a horrible excuse, what sense does it make that he would blindly copy and paste his friend's messages about his OWN LIFE in an email?! Its a complete lie, that is just dumb.... also, that would of been the FIRST thing I would of thought of if I was confronted that its not mine, and its someone elses..... He probably is just flirting online and using his friend's picture so no one recognizes him..

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Hmm, I don't buy it. I don't buy it at all. Did your mother believe his story? When I read your post, I didn't believe his story at all. Then after you elaborated further and said his answers were simplistic when you confronted him, then became more and more detailed as he went along, tells me that he was pretty much making it up as he went along.

 

That would be a sign of someone who was caught doing something wrong, in my opinion, because his initial answers were buying him time. Time enough to come up with a more detailed story, (which sorry, sounds ridiculous! His story, that is.)

[Juliana]

All possible. Point is, it's not your problem anymore, it's your mother's. I would say, look, guys, hope you can work this out, and then refuse to discuss it with them anymore.

 

There are times when you need to establish boundaries with family members; this is one of those times.

[sparkle1]

I may have gotten it wrong....

 

Although - one thing is for sure....we should be careful of the fact this is her DAD...lies or not.....

 

Maybe he was lying....but to be honest, you may not ever know.

 

So maybe you should just accept that this has happened...believe him, or don't..it won't change anything really...

 

Does that make sense?

[flower99]

All possible. Point is, it's not your problem anymore, it's your mother's. I would say, look, guys, hope you can work this out, and then refuse to discuss it with them anymore.

 

There are times when you need to establish boundaries with family members; this is one of those times.

 

I agree

This isn't your problem anymore, this is between your parents. You've done the right thing, now put those boundaries in place.

[Maverick32x]

I think you guys are making this out to be a way easier process than it actually is... It isnt a simple 'on-off' switch... If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone about an issue like this, there is probably a school therapist of counsolor for you to talk to.... Don't just shove these feelings deep down into your mind in an attempt to eradicate them... However, this should NOT be something that you dwell on either.. so find a healthy balance and leave it up to your mom to make a good decision.

[redrose85]

babybear- my ex told me the EXACT same story! I mean exactly the same. Of course I believed him, and of course, he was full of it.

[redrose85]

Also, my ex had put in his profile that he liked, "mature middle aged women, and that he was a pro at karate" (He was 19 at the time) You need to confront your dad again and get the truth. Good luck to you and your family

[babybear]

My dad has just gone on and on about his story. How he would copy and paste messages and just leave them on msn for the person to get when they came online. He said his friend would leave it in a draft on the email account saying 'for paul' cause apparently lots of people used this account as it was created during class where he met this friend of his. (he did a class so he would be trained for his ICT job).

Yesterday his story was his friend forwarded him the things to copy and paste through emails. I find it odd that he would copy and paste messages like this. He said its all in his name because he was the one who initially created the account.

He has now pretty much given me an ultimation. He says I have to believe him or our relationship will be ruined which will lead to him and my mothers relationship to be ruined. He said hes not living for much so it wouldnt take much for him to leave us and if this came about he would leave. I'm not sure if it was an empty threat to shut me up or what. My mother says we should give him the benefit of the doubt and we have uninstalled MSN from our computers.. still i don't knwo what to think. he says theres something wrong with me cause i dont trust him and he has sworn on his mothers grave its true.

[RayKay]

Alright, there is no way he should be making YOU feel guilty for him destroying the trust between him and your mom, or tell you your relationship is "over" if you do not believe him. The fact he IS doing that, indicates he is lying, knows he is caught and is trying to turn it around.

 

And yeah, I DEFINITELY do not believe his story for one second. Whom would just cut and paste messages for a friend to other women like this? Too elaborate, and too crazy....and he is hoping you all fall for it anyway.

 

But you have to stay out of it now, it is between him and your mom now.

[redrose85]

exactly what RayKay said. It makes me wonder what else he has been lying to your family about. I'm sorry you have to deal with this

[Juliana]

Tell him you are not discussing this anymore, and don't. I mean it. Walk away from him. Tell him that this is between him and your mother, and you find it all too disgusting to even talk about.

 

I am not saying that you shouldn't feel whatever you need to feel, but you must disengage from your parents while they work this out. This is a private thing between them as a couple. If you want to talk about it, discuss it with your own peer group.

[journey05]

I think this is somewhat strange. Knowingly put your family in a position to where it could lead to a separation? I'm not condoning your father’s actions, if they were truly his; I'm simply stating I find this odd.

I would think a child would hide this rather than exploit it.

You must have some resentment for your father?

I mean no offense but I get the feeling that something made this “breaking news” awfully easy to publicize.

 

Oh, and your father's story...I don't buy it. Only Thing that throws me off is the picture of his friend.

Good luck on this investigation.

[journey05]

I think this is somewhat strange. Knowingly put you r family in a position to where it could lead to a separation? I'm not condoning your father’s actions, if they were truly his; I'm simply stating I find this odd.

I would think a child would hide this rather than exploit it.

You must have some resentment for your father?

I mean no offense but I get the feeling that something made this “breaking news” awfully easy to publicize.

 

Oh, and your father's story...I don't buy it. Only Thing that throws me off is the picture of his friend.

Good luck on the investigation.

 

 

Oh, and I did not intend for you to feel any form of guilt. It just hit me that most kids would hide something like this for the family sake and out of fear.

You definitely should not be feeling any guilt.

[Juliana]

Hmmm...well, the thing is, there are certain things that will cause a child to be psychologically damaged, and one of these is being put in a position like this, where the child knows of the affair, and is forced to hide it for the sake of the parent who is cheating.

 

First of all, in situations where there is apparent infidelity, hiding it is no guarantee that the family will be kept together. If one parent is cheating, the family is already in danger, and the best way to keep it together is not to protect the cheating parent and cover up his activities.

 

Secondly, families are supposed to work to protect all the members, not exploit them to the advantage of one. The father here has let down his side, and now his wife and children are suffering. Rather than expecting his child to cover up for him, it is appropriate for the child to hand this problem back to him and say: "Here. It's yours. You deal with it; I don't want to."

 

And finally, the brother has also been exposed to porn through his father's online activity. Obviously this parent's boundaries are all over the place in terms of how well he protects his children and his family from inappropriate sexual activity. This issue is not for the OP to hide or cover up to protect him; this is for him to deal with and correct to the best of his ability for everyone concerned.

[Rabican]

Call the friend and confirm. And then tell your dad is has to stop (let your mother do this). Its a slippery slope hes on, his friend can buy his own computer if he has to do this. he shouldnt be involving your father in this sort of thing. that said... your dad is lying.

 

Is your dad going to really sit there and say....

 

call his friend and say 'she said shes not wearing a shirt, what do you want me to say'

 

Oh I bet you look so hot

 

She says, do you wish you were here with me

 

gets back on the phone with the friend, heres what she said, what should I say now... thats complete bullcrap.

[caro33]

Hi babybear, you have been put in a very difficult situation, how are you feeling about all of this?

 

I agree that you have some reasonable concerns here, but also think that this must be left with your mother and in theory should not affect your relationship with your father if you can help it. You need to stay out of it as best as you can. Having said this, I would not lie or keep quiet to protect anyone. If your father is threatening to leave based on your behaviour and you are keeping this to yourself it might be worth letting your mother know, quietly and calmly.

 

Is there anyone else you can speak to about this in person? An adult friend who is independent from your family?