6 year long LDR- when to break it off? Long...

[sayer7]

I've been in a long distance relationship for 6 years with a military man I met when I was in college in Ohio. He was 30 and I was 21. We broke up after 7 months because he found out his ex-gf was 9 months pregnant. He now has a 6 year old daughter. I broke up with him so he could focus on his new family. He never married his ex, though. We went our separate ways even though we both didn't want to. I've always been in love with him... he was my first love.

 

We've always been respectful of the other's relationships over the years apart and were strictly friends-- chat over coffee for a few hours to catch up on 3-5 months of no contact or after his wars abroad- that sort of thing.

 

My last relationship ended in 2005 and last March we started to date whenever we were in each other's town. In May we decided to be gf/bf. It's had its typical LDR difficulties with an insufficient phone plan, and him wanting more face-to-face time. He's also out of town a lot for business so it's hard to schedule time to see each other for more than a few days every other month. Sometimes we make plans for me to visit him in the town where he has business if we haven't seen each other in a while.

 

3 days ago he asked when I planned to move back to Ohio. Before, our biggest fear was that I move there just to be with him and the relationship failed or he was shipped off to war again... so a long time ago we agreed I wouldn't move there unless I was moving there for a job and living on my own- dating each other more seriously would be just an added perk once I moved back. So I've never really thought about 'when' I'd move back... just been waiting for the right job opportunity.

 

He then told me 4 months ago he told his mother that he could see himself being with me for the rest of his life... and that this was the first time he'd ever said that to his mother about any woman. He's about to retire from the military in about a year so he wanted to know when I was planning to move back.

 

Unfortunately I've just signed another 8 month work contract here in NC. So I said "realistically, maybe within 2 years" and told him about the new contract. Then he said 6 mos to a year was his max because he already misses me too much and "it was killing him".

 

Then I told him maybe then we should be 'just friends' again, - after a 2 hour discussion we reluctantly agreed to being 'just friends' again.

 

But this afternoon I IM'd and told him I honestly didn't want to go back to being 'just friends' or date anyone else. I also told him if he couldn't wait for me I'd understand and would (as always) respect any new relationship he decided to go with.

 

He replied that my note made him feel better and that he hasn't been too happy since our 'just friends' discussion.... but no real reply on whether we were actually going to continue being 'just friends' or resume being bf/gf.

 

So I don't know what the status of our relationship is now other than I love him and he "wants to spend the rest of his life with me."

 

What should I do? Do we need to break it off completely? Any input would be appreciated. Thanks....

[veneratio]

How do you feel about it? I mean, if you feel like it's going to work you should go for it. From what I read it sounds like you two have a pretty good connection.

[sayer7]

It could work if he wasn't so bent on the timeframe... he does seem to be hurting quite a bit with distance and it's been worrying me for about 5 weeks now. He tried one other LDR long before he knew me for a year which ended with him coming back from Kosovo/Bosnia to an empty apartment and his fiancee married to another man. It took 4 years for him to get over her- he's been very LDR-phobic ever since. I've made it clear to him that for the 6 years I've known him he's the only one I can see myself with-- that's why I never dated anyone else after my last relationship ended-- I was tired of going against what felt natural to me by dating other people that weren't him. He knows he's been my life's inspiration for 6 years... he's the reason I went back to school to get my master's degree and do what I do now in law enforcement. But I think he's gotten to the same emotional point with me that he was at with his fiancee before he left for Kosovo-- and I think it's bringing back a lot of bad memories. He probably doesn't want to go through that again so I think he's starting to push me away.

 

I told him I'd go shopping for a better phone plan with more minutes after Christmas so we could talk more but I don't think that's going to be enough. I feel like I'm losing my first love for a second time... I feel like I'm on the cusp of feeling devastated again. I honestly don't know what else I can do though.

[veneratio]

I'm in/was in a LDR and we went through a lot of what you're going through and everything turned out ok. I felt like I was losing her, and she felt the same. The phone plans were a problem, we solved that. Which made it a lot easier on us.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you. You should definitely try to make it work though. I know what you mean about other relationships not feeling natural. I went through about 7 and none of it felt natural until I was back with her.

[SarahRose]

It sorta sounds like you are making excuses for not going.

 

What does signing an 8 month contract have to make it 2 years before you go?

 

I think you should decide one way or the other if you want to be with him and then tell him. I don't think it would be fair to string him along for another 2 years. He's in his late 30s and is probably ready to settle down.

 

If you want to be with him then start making the plans to move there in 8 months.

[dnozzle]

Talk to him about it honestly. If you don't have that in your relationship, then you have no foundation for the future.

 

6 years is a long time to wait, and it does sound like you may be stalling. Explore your own feelings and fears about being with him fulltime and decide if that is something that makes you happy or scared. Try to get in touch with what it is you are feeling, figure that out, and go from there.

 

Good luck.

[sayer7]

He was actually the one that said the he didn't want me to move unless I had a job and an apartment in line when I got there. I told him I would leave today to be with him because it felt like he was giving me an ultimatum. I told him I don't start working on my contract until January 16th and can still get out of it- that now would be the perfect time for me to move there. And then he told me, "You will not move just to be with me... we should just be friends until you move back here and then I want to date you and see where it goes from there even if it fails in the end."

 

So not only am I not stalling, he's the one telling me to stay where I am,--but in the same breath he's saying I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life and it's as if he doesn't want to be "just friends" but our time tables are just off and that's why we should.

 

To me at makes no sense unless the pain of missing me is that intolerable for him.

 

I feel it's more he's pushing me away-- whether it be because he misses me too much or he's afraid of being hurt in another LDR.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. If we give up now, we'll wind up with other people again and we'll both be thinking 10 years from now "I wonder what would've happened if...."

 

It's just majorly frustrating.

[sayer7]

And he can't move to be with me because his 6 year old daughter is in Ohio. He said if he didn't have a daughter he would have no problem moving to be with me. He does a lot of business in my city and has even been offered careers here with the department I work at. He's turned them down because his daughter lives in Ohio. Which I told him is completely absolutely understandable. So the only way for him to "spend the rest of his life with me" is if I move there and we date and everything works out and we actually do spend the rest of our lives togehter. I've been interviewing for jobs there over the last year everytime I'm there doing my grant work each month. So I'm actively looking.

 

The difference in timetables and him seemingly pushing me away are our biggest problems. I don't know how to change his mind and think more optimistically so he can wait a little longer for me.

[SarahRose]

From the additional info you gave he seems pretty lukewarm. If he wants to drag his feet for years and ends up losing you, that would be his loss.