Somebody sort me out!

[Tinkerbella]

Hi all,

 

I am posting as I haven't really got anyone to discuss this with as its a strange situation! I am praying to god someone gives me a good answer to help clarify my situation as my head is spinning!! Get a coffee for a long story!

 

About 4yrs ago I met this wonderful man by e-mail. We got on fine, and got on even better in life and embarked on "relationship" - now I say this loosely as we didn't actually last that long. It was really bad timing for both of us! Even though we weren't "dating" we on and off saw each other which always resulted in sex.....time passed and it got messy on my side, I wanted to give "us" another go - he didn't - we ended up arguing and fell out.....well he asked me to not contact him anymore!

 

A few months later by bizarre circumstances, the chap started getting on with one of my friends - so cutting a long story short, me and Damien started talking again. Now at first it was nothing special, just every now and then, then the visits started again and the sex again....this threw me and I fell in love with him, I didn't have the guts to bring these feelings up to him, so I mailed him and heard nothing for 2 weeks - then we talked again with no mention of the e-mail and everything went back to normal, this brings us onto the last 6mths.....

 

Dame and I were on and off mailing until he got himself into a sticky situation - I spent a lot of time helping him and we became "close", for the first time since knowing him he invited me out clubbing, to meet his mates, just to go over to watch TV, you name it we spent nearly every weekend together....without sex, even though we slept in the same bed and he wanted cuddles - upon his insisting!

 

There were a couple of occasions where people mistook us for a couple and he didn't correct them, we would be watching TV and he would want me to massage his thighs, he would ask me probing questions about what I thought of him, he told me I was the only female he ever trusted, we were basically a couple without mentioning it or having sex....all the while this is going on, he does mention other women (not that he has slept with them) just who he likes, showing me pics asking my opinion etc and this puts me off saying anything in case of another blow out....

 

This brings it up to date and all of a sudden I am more or less dropped - I still see him, just not as often, and more at my request than his, his attitude has changed towards me, and he is now talking about women he is sleeping with etc....he is hanging out in lap dancing clubs and has new "friends" and is going out on the pull etc. He still keeps in touch, he told me the other day he was proud of my weight loss and I looked good, I am even working on a project for him by his request.......but he is different towards me....

 

Basically - I am totally in love with this man, and cant figure out what is going on...I was to slow on the whole "nice" time, should have said something...but then I wasn't sure!

 

I would just like for someone to say "it sounds like......"....do I walk away from him, is he playing with me, do I confess face 2 face my feelings.....what do I do because at the moment this is screwing me up.....really messing with my head??

 

xTinkx

[_Tiki_]

Hi Tink!! I'm not sure whats going on in his head, but if this guy really wants you/repsects you he'll chase after you! It could be that this guy is more into cuddles than sex, but other girls he's met want more, maybe he has low self esteem and doesn't think he's worthy of love, but can get sex whenever he wants it. Or it could be that he just saw you as a very close friend that he trusted.

 

I hope someone else posts because I have a similar situation.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Walk, walk, walk. You knew that anyway, though. Didn't you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, it sounds to me like you tried to date for a short time a while back and that didn't work so he broke up with you because he didn't really want to date you seriously.

 

Then he took advantage of you later by trying to shift it to a 'friends with benefits' status that got him some sex with no strings attached, but no commitments at all... he continued to like the friends/sex part, but you wanted more and he didn't, so you broke up AGAIN.

 

so then he made ANOTHER run at trying to get easy sex in a friends with benefits scenario, and you told him you wanted more than that, so he broke up with you AGAIN.

 

then he decided to take a run at you with a friends and ALMOST sex scenario, probably avoiding the sex because he knows as soon as that happens, you'd start asking for a relationship again, and he doesn't want a relationship.

 

so this time he was using your for companionship without sex until he found more women he wanted to date, and when he did find others, he is just now doing a sllloooowww breakup this time by distancing you rather than the fiery breakups you had before when sex was involved.

 

So the dominant motif here is that he obviously does NOT want you to date you or have you as a girlfriend, but he is willing to use you for companionship and sex when he doesn't have anyone else more interesting to him on the horizon at the moment...

 

you could go round and round with this a million times, but it looks like he keeps you on the hook when he needs it, just long enough for you to want more, then he breaks your heart again, then it starts over, and you are no closer to having him be your boyfriend, which is what you want.

 

so he has what he wants, and you are yearning for more... please don't take another ride on this 'friends with benefits' merry-go-round... the only benefits seem to be for him, and you have spent 4 years and are no closer to actually having him as a boyfriend. walk away, and find someone who wants ALL you have to offer, ALL the time!

 

you sound like a very nice person, find someone who is nicer to you!

[Tinkerbella]

Thanks for you advice guys - I guess what you all have said rings true.......

 

I just struggle cause when he is good - he is really good, I know he suffers really badly from insecurity...I mean in the 4yrs I have known this guy, even in bed together, I have never seen him without his t-shirt on....and he has a fantastic body!

 

I have also seen a pattern with him finding fault with every women - just so he has an excuse to get out of a relationship!! He almost purposely goes for unattainable women! He admits he has issues with trust & affection!

 

I dunno - its just so hard because in someways I want to be the women that gets to keep him....but in someways I know I need to make a fast run!

 

Its almost like sometimes - he is wanting me to do something...but I dont know what!

 

I really will find it hard to walk away - this guy is the only man I could see me spending the rest of my life with........as much as he hasnt been fab, he is gentle, kind, protective, understanding......so hard guys, so fugging hard!

[blender]

tinker, can you tell us what you love, admire and respect about the grown man who discusses other women with you, and who goes to lap dance clubs?

 

Be sure to separate your feelings of who you "hope" he could be and who he is revealing himself to authentically be.

 

I would find no interest in a man who would say HE was proud of me for losing wieght.. YUK, why would you care if HE were proud of you? Is he your father? Isn't it good enough that YOU can be proud of yourself.

 

You said you find it hard to walk away, walk away from WHAT?

 

you said: HE is expecting YOU to do something?

 

Why isn't he a wonderful respectful man who tells you he loves you and wants to build a life with you, if he hasn't stated this clear intention, then there is nothing to "walk away from" because HE"S not even where you think he is, he's so NOT there for you.

 

He's an immature, selfish, guy, I'm sure you find things you do love about him, but look at the whole picture

[Ellie2006]

Hi Tinkerbella,

 

I am sorry that you're hurting right now but I agree w/ everyone else: it's probably best for YOU to walk away ...

 

To be honest, T, I do not think he has been "wonderful" to you at all!

I don't mean to be harsh but these things that you say in your post were very disconcerting:

 

A. He has flip-flopped on your relationship and has strung you along in a FWB type of situation.

B. He tried to "get it on w/ one of your friends"

C. You help him out of a sticky situation and he reciprocates by telling you about the women he's been seeing and showing you their pictures for your opinion.

D. He talks to you about other women he's sleeping with.

E. He "allows" you to work on a project FOR him

 

Perhaps he is this way bc he has insecurity issues or he has trouble trusting women. BUT whatever issues he may have does NOT excuse him from mistreating you in this manner, IMO.

 

I understand that you love him BUT I really do believe you should love yourself more and walk about from this guy.

 

Just my two cents worth.

 

Good luck to you, T.

[eamonb70]

hi there, this is my opinion and how i see it. It seems like he's playing HARD to get! Next time you see him, dress up, not too much but make an extra little effort and surprise him with your looks, a side of you that he doesn't see much if you get where i'm coming from. You seem to be in a very tight and difficult situation, he obviously has feelings for you still and i would try and aproach that. Does he know you still love him? Maybe you should tell him! If you think all is failing... you still should'nt walk away until you don't have feelings for him anymore. He must know that you don't like it when he tells you about these women he likes! Maybe you should play his game and see how he likes it, he will obviously feel jealous no matter what you think. Ask him why he's been going to these lapdancing clubs, tell him you'll give him a lapdance (as a joke at first) and see how he takes it, if he's saying he would like it and your comfortable with it then give it a go !!! Thats how i see the situation, if you need anymore advice from me then get in touch! I hope i've helped a slight bit if not a lot. Eamon

[Tinkerbella]

I hear what you are saying....I havent sold him very well and I am not looking for what I want to hear either, so appreciate your comment!

 

Maybe he discusses other women with me as I think I have given the impression recently that I am not interested - the defence walls went up! I made a silly mistake of telling his best mate that Dame hurt me to much last time to which he replied "yes he knows he did"!

 

As for the lapdancing club thing - he actually has a pretty just cause for that, and to be honest it doesnt really bother me!

 

The reason he said he is proud of me for losing the weight was in reply to a convo where people had been pretty horrid about me losing the weight - he also knows how hard I have worked to drop the weight - in no way, shape or form has he ever said I needed to lose the weight and in fact when we first met I was at my heaviest!!

 

What I would find hard walking away from is the guy I have seen him be - when its just me and him - he is quite undoubtable a lovely man, he is affectionate without the sex, he is supportive of my career, supportive of me, we have a wicked laugh together and the unexplainable moments you have with someone.

 

He is a very complex man - has very little friends, he tends to go through them a bit due to paranoid trust issues. I understand him and where he comes from - he has had quite frankly a sh1ttie past life and gf's! His ex fiancee died, not long after he lost his dad, and not long before he nearly lost his leg! He had a very tough upbringing and admits he hasnt a clue how to connect with females very well - yet I can honestly say sometimes we have that connection....

 

I find it hard to walk away from someone who could possibly be screaming inside.....all said and done I love the man on many different levels and one level is he is a friend with whom we have had some deep conversations!

[Tinkerbella]

LOL a "do or die" situation......

 

This is what I have been considering - one last go then if it fails ----> door

[blender]

I really understand what you "see" deep within him, but the real issue is does he see this in himself and what is he doing to make himself better so he is "there" for you?

 

With all you have lovingly said about him, please just ask yourself:

 

what kind of relationship do you find yourself in after all you've shared with him?

Are you fulfilled?

Do you feel a sense of security?

Is there loyalty and trust?

Is he intentionally making an effort to make plans for a future with you?

 

If you find in answering the above that you have to "make excuses based on his emotional "issues", so you can some up with a "palatable answer" then you are headed for years of putting your energy into a bottomless pit.

 

You can not cure him of himself. No matter how much you love him, you will remain powerless over his issues, ONLY he can willingly ACKNOWLEDGE his issues, and then MAKE A CLEAR INTENTIONAL EFFORT to get over his insecurites and issues.

 

Until he clearly does this, you are going to be "decoding" his behavior and finding the crumbs you so desprately want to see in him, all the while losing your 'sense of self".. so be careful, I've been there, done that.. and it took me years to recover, once I was finally HONEST with myself.