Divorcing after 12yrs over lost attraction

[airfoxx]

Let me start by saying that my wife and I are both very caring and wonderful people. We have been married for 12yrs and have fought very little. I am in the Military and she has always been there for me. We have a 4yr old daughter whom I treasure more than anything. It is my daughter who has helped me stay in this relationship for as long as I have. My wife and I are best friends. But I’m afraid that as far as it goes. We have no intimacy, romance or any exotic, passionable relationship. Sex has been dead in our relationship for many years. Sometimes we have gone through periods of no sex for up to 10months. We where both virgins and had never dated anyone before we married. I was nervous in joining the military with no one by my side so I convinced her to marry me at 18yrs old. In the Earlier parts of our marriage sex was great and our relationship seemed strong. But in due course my wife let herself go fast. She began to gain a lot of weight. I tried everything to help her get over the problem. I even tried to work out with her and teach her. But she lacks the determination and dedication. All she does is talk about how she wants to lose weight but never puts 100% into making it happen. She thinks that getting lipo suction would be better, because she thinks her body type won’t allow her to lose weight? I don’t believe it, she was fine before. Well every year I remind her how unhappy I am and that I am considering a divorce if she isn’t willing to help our relationship. I work out all the time. I try my best to look good for her and myself. Every year she promises me that things will be different, but it never changes. I told her that Love is important in a relationship, but so is Attraction. If you are not attracted to the person then you lose all passion, romance, affection, intimacy, and sex...eventually you lose love. The only thing that remains would be friendship but that creates temptation. So now after 12yrs of me telling her my current unsatisfaction and what the future hold for us if we stay the course, she keeps "crying wolf".

So now I have found someone else. My friend is big on Yahoo messenger chatting. He told me to try it. I did and for a long time had no success. But one day I meet an amazing girl from the Philippines. We chat every day now for 2months talking for 4hrs a day using the web cam. We both send pictures. So we both know each other very well. I have bought airline tickets to visit her next month. So now here is my dilemma. I told my wife a few weeks ago that I am contemplating a divorce. I told her I found someone whom makes me feel better appreciated. So far she has had very little emotion over my remarks. I told her I want the simplest and friendliest divorce possible. I don’t want us to fight or argue and make things complicated. I want the best for my daughter. So she agreed.

With time approaching for me to see my new love, I’m struggling to determine what to do. I’m sure that once we both get together our love will become stronger. Should I stay in my current relationship? Hoping it will change but I may spend another 12yr of misery. Or do I move on with my life. Missing my daughter severely in my life, but living perhaps a much happier life with my new wife? Friends think I'm crazy beacuse my new love has 3kids. They say I can have any girl in the Philipines wo/kids. She has 2 teenage boys, and a 4yr daughter with medical conditions. Although I always wanted a big family, not 100% sure I'm ready for so many kids at one time! But I'm not discouraged. I have very strong feelings for her. We both talk about love all the time. Something my wife and I lost many years ago along with our passion.

My wife say's I’m being an inconsiderate, shallow, cheating, jerk; I should be happy with her for good or worse. But I don’t feel Marriage is supposed to be something you dread. I want a wife whom I can be proud of, someone I would introduce to everyone, and show her pictures to everyone. Someone who can keep my interest on her. As I would do the same for her. I have traveled all around the world with the military, tempted for years by many foreign women. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be happy and attracted to one girl for the rest of my life. She may be it. At least she is willing to commit herself not just emotionally to me, but also is willing to keep herself attractive for me. Is attraction as important as I think it is in a marriage? Is it worth divorcing over to find ones happiness? Please Help! Thank You.

[Dako]

If you're unhappy in your marriage, end it, take a breather for a year or two, spend some time reflecting on what you really want and then move on.

 

Hitching up with another woman like this is usually a big mistake, because there's a period after a marriage where you sort your thoughts. You're missing this vital step, and may end up with an instant family before you really know what you want. Another trap.

 

You're post is so full of confusion!

Get single and clear your head before you go from poop to pooty.

[Survictor]

It is obvious that you are disatisfied with your life, your wife, your marriage and need a change. You married your wife when you were both young and insecure. You needed her by your side then in order to forge a career with the military. You are more confident in yourself and your abilities now but it may have been at the expense of your wife, I feel.

 

What I do think is very sad is that you have a lot of pride in your career, your body, your daughter but none in your wife and yet she is a good person and a good Mother to your daughter and she has been loyal to you for 12 years etc.

 

A divorce or separation is very traumatic for children. They want their Mummy and Daddy to be together forever.

 

Also, the grass looks greener with your Philippino lady but I think you will find it really isn't and you might just be wishing for your old life back but by then, your wife will have moved on. Your daughter will have got used to Dad not being around so much and a Step Daddy may have stepped into your comfortable old slippers and filled them rather well; perhaps better than you have even.

 

Ok so you have this comfortable if rather unsatisfied life but how do you think it will be with a Mother with three kids and teenage sons? At first, you would be welcomed and made to feel special but this lady's upbringing is very different from your own and the children may expect more than you are willing to give, both emotionally and financially. You may find initially, you are wrapped up in the excitement of new love, new sex, new body, the resurrection of old feelings that are all at once familiar and yet not so etc., but the novelty could wear off when reality hits and it might hit hard!

 

Your wife may be comfortable too and she may feel that she is stuck in a rut, bored, no get up and go, stuck in mundane day to day tasks of washing, cooking, cleaning, getting your daughter to school etc with you moaning you're not happy with her fat body, lack of sex life etc. Have you asked her if she is bored with you, your lives, her life? Would she like to make changes with you or without you?

 

Any woman will get old. Her skin will sag and wrinkle. Her breasts will droop. That once pert bottom will droop, flatten onto her legs. Her abdomen will drop. Her cheeks will become jowels, her nose will enlargen somewhat. Bags will form under her eyes and the twinkle in them will fade as will her hair colour. The corners of her mouth will take a downward turn and the once lovely face will be youthful no more. You will possibly still look at young ladies and your sex drive may still exist, but they won't be looking at you because you will be stooped, old and grey with wrinkled skin and man boobs. You will wear old man trousers with a belt and comfy shoes. You will walk with a stick to balance and when you chew your food, you might dribble. No, it is doubtful they will find you attractive.

 

Getting old is a fact of life. You may be able to keep your basic shape and maintain your weight but you WILL get old as we all will. You might think you want to grow old with this other woman but you could turn around and look at her and just see an old lady.. not a girl. And like Dako says, you could be walking straight into another trap... out of the fire into the pan! I really think that is the case here.

 

Much of your frustration is your lack of sex life, the lack of spontaneity and loving affection. Perhaps you should focus on the good things in your life and take steps to change direction with your wife and daughter, rather than without them. You have come so far together and yes, your marriage may be like an old rug, hidden away and forgotten in the corner but why not give it a dusting, give it some special treatment, a new place to inhabit and see what happens for now?

 

And you know, you really shouldn't be exchanging emails, photos etc with another woman. That isn't fair and no wonder your wife no longer bothers to make an effort. She knows you no longer find her pretty, youthfull. You often tell her she needs to lose weight, work out, be sexy etc. Well a woman has to feel sexy and to be told she isn't is like pouring iced water over her. No flames can burn like that!

 

You should perhaps go for relationship counselling or at the least have a real honest heart to heart where she tells you what she would like and you tell her. It may be that she feels the same.. that your marriage is dead, there is no spark,s he feels that she is taken for granted, not valued etc. If my husband hid me away, ashamed of me I might comfort eat, stay in the background of your life etc.

 

Who knows, it could be just what your wife needs.... a new life with a new man, someone who loves, values and respects her and that no matter how old and wrinkly she gets, whether she loses a limb or her breast, her new man will look at her and love her all the more.

 

I am trying to say that if you are unhappy, I am pretty sure your wife is too. Try counselling to see if that will do anything to save what you have because once you no longer have it, you will probably realise that that comfy life was what you really wanted all along... you just lost sight of it for a time.

 

Step back from this other lady (with 3 kids thousands of miles away) promising you the earth and great sex. You do need to think clearly and you aren't doing that at the moment. Stop tripping headlong into another woman's arms when you are already married. It is still cheating. And your friends telling you that you could have a younger, prettier lady in the Philippines is so disrespectful to your wife... how can you let people disregard her like that? That's pretty low, I think.

 

If after counselling you still feel that life would be better out of your marriage, then try that also but I don't think you should divorce immediately because I do think you might live to regret it and it could take years before you feel your life is back on track again.

 

And there are two other innocent people involved in all this, aren't they. You have relied on your family unit for a long time but it works both ways.

 

Please do give this some careful thought and consideration.

[itsallgrand]

You have not learned to stand on your own two feet, alone, as a man.

 

If you have decided you must leave your wife, do so with dignity. Do what you were unable to do in the past: show her the respect and consideration she deserves.

 

You openly admit that your wife has been the support which has helped you gain the success in this world that you have accomplished.

And now - when she is struggling - you are abandoning her. With a young child.

 

It is sad. It isn't right.

 

You seem like a decent fellow. Certainly not an intentionally cruel person.

Just very confused and in over your head. Frustrated.

 

Why not take a breather? Hold off on major decisions for a while.

 

Perhaps try a seperation from your wife, and see what it feels like to go at this alone.

You will grow stronger and will honor the commitment you made to the woman you chose to marry.

If you decide later that if can be worked out with changes: You will be stronger for it.

If you decide later that you still would like to divorce and be with the Phillipino lady: You will be stronger for it, had time to mourn. And if this lady does indeed truly care for you, she will wait and want you to have finished your previous business on a dignified note. It bodes poorly for any new relationship if you exit and enter this way.

 

Best wishes and I hope you can sort this out and find genuine happiness.

[Batya33]

If you're unhappy in your marriage, end it, take a breather for a year or two, spend some time reflecting on what you really want and then move on.

 

Hitching up with another woman like this is usually a big mistake, because there's a period after a marriage where you sort your thoughts. You're missing this vital step, and may end up with an instant family before you really know what you want. Another trap.

 

You're post is so full of confusion!

Get single and clear your head before you go from poop to pooty.

 

I agree- and you do not know this other woman in the least - you only know the image you have from typing and talking and it sounds like you would latch on to any thin pretty woman who knew the right things to say.

[airfoxx]

Have to say all very good points. Some things sounded as though my wife would struggle, much to the contrast. She has grown to become a stronger person as have I during our relationship. I will also ensure that her and my daughter are financial well off, I can never abandon them. Also much emphasis on "giving it another chance" but realization is, thats the only reason we've been married 12yrs. I know we all get old, those are natural causes; ceasing to maintain ones self at a young age of 30 is a decision. I don't want to make her change. Everyone should be who they want to be. Hence why I'm contemplating a divorce. I'm hoping she can find happiness, just as much as I want it for myself. Finding time apart. Well thats where I am now. In Korea for a year unaccompanied. Separate or together, the decision doesn't get easier. I now realize that moving to quickly into another marriage could be detrimental. I'm just not the kind of person to live single. I love to have a family. I want to be married. I will take much of these suggestions to heart. Thank You all. I have a lot to think about, don't want to be irrational.

[CharlesF]

I agree with some of the posts here. First focus on your present relationship and get a divorce if that is best. Then take a break before dating anyone else.

 

I would be careful about meeting women overseas. Many people from the Philippines want to come to the U.S. because the economy is better here. Also, you might find yourself supporting her extended family. I read something about this once.

[southerngirl]

So how much does she weigh that you are demanding she lose it?

 

Also, I agree with the other posts on most points. YOu should give your wife the respect she deserves and if you really want to leave do so with dignity and respect.

 

Be single for a few years. Dont just jump into another relationship and at that with someone you have only met online a few months ago.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

wow, you are considering leaving your wife for a woman you have never even met, because she 'promises' she won't get fat? the second she married you and ensconces her kids in your house, she could start shoving Big Macs and Reese's Peanut butter cups in her face, running up your Visa bill, running around with other men behind your back, beating your daughter when you're not home, all while laughing at what a sucker you are!

 

now that sounds cruel, but the reason i just wrote that brutal example, is because that scenario is just as likely (or maybe even MORE likely) than the one you are visualizing, where you marry your (skinny) foreign dream girl and she is perfection that never changes and you all live happily ever after...

 

really, you need to get a grip... by that i mean, you seem more than willing to throw away your marriage for the sake of a fantasy, one that could turn very ugly and expensive and into a nightmare. you are considering moving FOUR strangers (dream girl plus kids) into your house who may only be looking for an american meal ticket, and you're thinking this is a good idea?

 

please, please, please, consider marriage counseling, and personal counseling to understand why you would even consider this to be a good idea to begin with. if your marriage really isn't viable, then fine, work it a separation, but do NOT try to slide an unknown Barbie doll into your wife's role... you might discover that there were a lot of good qualities that your wife had that you took for granted, and getting a new wife shouldn't be like trading in an old car for a new one.

 

there is so much more at stake here than just swapping out your wife and finding a new hot warm body to occupy her place... that will just NOT turn out like you hope...

[zach]

just read your story and it sounds like you have dragged your wife down to the gutter your selfish