Can abusive men learn from a real reality check?

[nins2]

ok so me and this guy have been dating for 9 months now. he was my first love. In the beginning of the relationship he was the perfect guy. I immediately fell for him. About 3 months into the relationship he started getting jealous, then controlling, and soon I found myself not being with anyone else except for him. We never even went out...thats the way he liked it. I didn't make any decisions....everything we did and how we spent our time was up to him. But i loved him so i convinced myself it was normal. Soon the control got really bad. I had to cancel my camping trip with my best friend. I didnt mind that much because i convinced myself that id rather be with him anyway. I loved him and he did treat me well. He cooked for me everyday, gave me messages, everything. But soon the emotional abuse started and the public embarrassment. He started calling me names... like fat ect. I found our fights were basically him putting me down and it worked. I felt worthless..but somehow he always made me feel better after he put me down. and he would pretend like nothing happened and that i was insane for thinking out fight was abnormal. I put up with it and didnt say anything to anyone. He started ruining my personal property and one night when he gave me the silent treatment I decided enough was enough. I went to the bus stop to go back to my parents. He followed me and ended up breaking my nose. I took him back after that because he said he was sorry and it was an accident. It wasnt but I made myself believe it was. He said he wouldnt do it again. One night i hung up the phone on him cuz i was in a bad mood. When i got home he beat me up...he could have killed me that night. I begged him to stop and he finally did. I cried all night...he said he was sorry. The next day i decided enough was enough and went back to my parents and told them everything. I left him with nothing. He called and i hung up. He had no money or anything and i had no pity for him. He lost me forever and he knew it. He went back to his moms. Now he's calling me and saying i gave him a reality check and he is so sorry for everything. he finally for THE FIRST TIME admitted that everything he did was becuase he was insecure with our relationship. he blamed everything on himself and is promosing he will never touch me again. he says that he takes full responsibility for him actions and that i am the love of him life. he seems really sincere. Should I believe him? Can people change if you give them a reality check? I left him with nothing. I do love him and i think about him all day, even though he hurt me emotionally and physically. I know he loves me too but I dont know if i can trust him. HELP

[handsdown]

Never go back, ignore his calls, forget him and move on.

 

He needs serious help and YOU will never be able to save him.

 

If he wants to fix his behavior, he will have to find someone else, because nothing can make up for physical and emotional abuse he put you through.

 

He will never change and you don't need to try and make him into someone to love. Find a guy who loves you the right way, you're worth it.

[heartlessromantic]

Whoa. You need to leave immediately. Sorry, but no matter how sweet his words, you should not go back.

 

Maybe he will seek treatment and maybe he will get better but do you want to GAMBLE YOUR LIFE?

 

Think about it, he beat you so hard that you thought he might kill you! Don't forget that.

[nins2]

Yes he did beat me and i feel so worthless now. Not to mention my confidence doenst exist. People always tell me im beautiful, pretty and sexy ect. I get attention from guys. I just feel so about myself because of this relationship. I cant picture a guy treating me right and me thinking its normal. THIS IS MESSED UP. my dad treats me like too and the one normal boyfriend i had (that wasnt abusive emotionally)...i started fights with him. I thought it was weird he didnt WHATS WRONG WITH ME??

[heartlessromantic]

Nothing is wrong with you. You were smart and perceptive enough to seek help when you sensed something was wrong.

 

It sounds like you were raised in a bad environment and have some issues to figure out. If you can afford counseling or therapy or some sort of support group, I would recommended attending.

 

Leave this relationship and concentrate on yourself. You know yourself well enough to realize that you need to work on your self-esteem so go out there and take steps! Become a stronger person so that when you do meet that great guy, you will be ready to have a healthy relationship.

[Hope75]

Hi There and welcome to enotalone.

 

First, let me say how sorry I am that you went through this.

 

I absolutely do not think under ANY terms should you take this man back.

 

I was in a similar situation with my ex and he very nearly killed me also. Over the period of 5 years, he punched me, kicked me, slammed my arms and legs in the door, raped me, strangled me, and then finally threw a bowling ball at my head. I know this is brutal and shocking and awful- but I want you to read it over again.... because if I had a dime for every time my ex told me that he was sorry and that he realized his mistake and that he was insecure, that it wasn't me, it was him, and that it would never happen again... I would be a very rich woman.

 

We went through a cycle where he'd apologize and I would take him back and he'd be nice for a few weeks to a month before it started again. This is classic of an abusive relationship, and the reason that so many people end up getting killed by their partners. Did you know it takes a woman an average of 7 times before she will leave an abusive partner for good? That's if she lives long enough. He broke your nose and he beat you up. That is NOT love. It is control, and abuse.

This is a line that they use to get you back into the fold, to get control over you again. Trust me, he is angry that you took control and that you left him... and so he will do what it takes to get you to come back- but this behavior isn't going to stop until and unless he seeks help and counseling for his jealousy, anger, control and abuse issues- and even then it is very difficult to overcome this and takes a long time.

 

Honey, for your safety, for your sanity, I hope you will not take this man back.

 

Please, I beg you to realize what a dangerous situation this is and how crucial it is to keep him as far away from you as possible.

[yeawutever]

Nope don't go back, he belongs to prison for doing that.

[Survictor]

Firstly, well done for getting out of this horribly abusive relationship! You obviously still do have confidence to do that and you were able to leave and so your self esteem must be quite high. Ok, you are feeling pretty low and most people would, but you're not going to take that kind of cr*p from anyone, are you?! Screw that!

 

1 in 4 women are victims of domestic violence and the figure could be higher than than! Most murdered female victims are murdered by someone they know. I am not sure what the statistics are on this.

 

Anyway, he is his own problem... NOT YOURS!

 

You cannot be held responsible for his behaviour and you certainly cannot control him or his moods nor should you have to! You can, however be responsible for yourself and have done that by walking away.

 

 

I think quite often that young ladies and men that are brought up in abusive homes and witness some kind of abuse on a regular basis tend to identify with it and accept it as normal behaviour and thereforeeee, they gravitate towards people they consider to be 'normal' or familiar. Better the devil you know and all that.... not always true, huh? Whilst young men who tend to have witnessed domestic abuse courtesy of their Father's will identify with him and treat his partner in the same way.

 

You Dad is wrong to behave the way he does. He is wrong to call you names etc. Demand he stops doing this. Ask him how he would feel to be told he is a lazy, fat ******* on a regular basis. Tell him the "You know I don't mean it!" isn't good enough for you because you hear it so often, he must mean it. Tell him you love and respect him and he should love and respect you too.

 

Hold you head up and don't let anyone treat you like that ever again. Would you let a girlfriend talk to you like that? Belittle you and control your movements and behaviour? No, of course not! Boyfriends... no males should treat you like that, ever!

 

 

Never go back to your ex!

 

You're moving onwards and upwards and you know what?... Try to spot the signs earlier next time.

 

If they're too good to be true?... Maybe they are!