advice on getting back together- need help

[candy604]

Okay here's my other post i've posted :

 

Bascially i'm on NC for 7 days now. My bf txts me and emails me but i don't respond. Anyway what are the options of getting back together? I think the fear of lossing him as a best friend is hard, but we truly don't mesh. Been going out for 3 years. ( both of us have never had any gf/bf before) I stlil love him but I know even though he says he needs to changes..it probably won't happen.

 

I was thinking of just taking the relationship a step down- very non serious to see how things will turn out. Like just hugs or kiss, see each other for dinner or movie but nothing more. is that just a bad idea??

 

I'm just hoping one day things will change ( hoping for 3 years i guess ). Our mutual friend was talking to my bf n my bf thinks that everything will be okay next week n we'll get back together. But i'm having second thoughts!

 

What makes a successful get back together?

[robowarrior]

The only succes you can get is if the things that cause the problems are resolved and you two continue the relationship on the same frequency. You know you have to be in tune with your partner, and to me it sounds asif you two are on a different radio channel.

 

Its simply, if he's not going to change(and you know this from your gut feeling) then there's no use in going back, and it would be better for you to get a new bf that does correspond with you and your needs.

[blender]

The best chance you can give your relationship with someone whom you "hope" will grow and change is to STAY AWAY FOR NOW, no contact is best, not responding to his emails, text is the right thing to do, if you told him what you 'hoped" it "could" be like with the two of you, and you know that it takes time for him to "miss you" enough and for awhile, so he can "discover" the changes in his behavior he would have to make in order to respectfully win your heart..

[dnozzle]

I was thinking of just taking the relationship a step down- very non serious to see how things will turn out. Like just hugs or kiss, see each other for dinner or movie but nothing more. is that just a bad idea??

 

 

 

Yes.

 

That would make me feel very jerked around, and like you still saw me as good enough to eat with, but not to be emotionally involved with. That sounds like you want all the benefits of a boyfriend with none of the attachments.

 

Bottom line, talk to him, but BE HONEST about what you need from this relationship and LISTEN to what he has to say about it too. If you make your needs known, he can decide whether or not he can meet them.

[candy604]

that's true..so the casual dating is not a good option then. Wondering if its possible though or is it very unfair to the other person?, but usually its beginning of a relationship that casual dating happens..sigh.

 

i noe i tell him all the time, but he says he needs time to mature n does realize his faults. but its a personality change..which is so hard..i've been waiting for 3 years ( it has been gradually getting better) but at a slow slow pace.

[dnozzle]

Then you have to ask yourself if YOU can live with him the way he is right now. You cannot change people. If the answer to that is no, then you really should move on because he is not right for you.

[blender]

Three years is a long time, it's important now that you stop thinking about what "might" happen with him, and start concentrating on your own "maturity", who knows if he will ever grow up, the important thing now is YOU, and for right now it's time to put all your energy into making your life fulfilling for you on your own.

 

It's not the time to be "friends" or "dating" this guy, he needs time, space to figure out WHO he is, and WHO HE WANTS TO BECOME...

 

If in time he becomes someone who is worthy of your precious heart, then it will happen, but for now it's best for you to stay away from him, and just lovingly say to him: "I need some time to get my own head and heart together, I hope you can respect and understand this, because I'm sure you need time to do the same, so it's best that we don't have contact right now".

 

This is a classy, mature approach that will only be rewarding in the future, no matter what the outcome, it's having the clarity and maturity to just "stop trying" to determine exactly what the relationship is "going to be" and instead be in "acceptance that for right now it isn't right for either of you". Just for today, it's not "right" to be in contact, you both need time, and you might have to be the mature, courageous one who actually has the class to say it clearly and to follow through on it, by taking time to concentrate on your own hopes and dreams for YOUR future...