emotional affair??

[lostnpain]

Hi folks...Im lost here and dont know what to do. sorry if this is a bit long but Im trying not to leave anything out...

 

I've bee nmarried for 7 yrs in december. my wife recently enilsted in the coastguard and went away for 4 months training. In that time, i became friends with a co-workder and apparently it became to close but I didnt notice. We would talk on the phone at night. she would call me - I would never call her, unless I missed her call or she left me a VM. The majorit of the conversation was her complaining about her boyfriend/husband and I was giving her advise. In my mind we were just friends..She has a daughter and came to my house 2 times with her to play with my kids - a play date. I told my wife she was in the house. she got a little upset asked if anything was going on and I said no..you have nothing to worry about she was here with her daughter- we are just friends.

 

Her boyfirend kick her out and she calls me hysterical. I said she can come over to relax for a few minutes...then my wife calls. I tell my wife she was theer and what happened..the you know what hit the fan. I explained to her i was being a friend and nothing happened. I told her if it bothers her that much I would stop talking to her completey. and I have...I work with her so unfortunaltely we have to have some type of communication..Im in IT.

 

My wife came back on Nov 10th. she claims i was having an emotional affair with this person - we started going to counseling. Until yesterday i could not see why she would say this since i had no feelings nor a desire to be with her. I say yesterday becuase i did some research and realized my definition of an emotional affair was WAY OFF... I spoke to my wife last night and told her I realize what i;ve done and Im so sorry...I feel horrible..

 

My wife is an awesome woman. I love her to death - Im still in love with her. I feel horrible for what I did. I feel more horrible becuase she doesnt trust me and I unknowingly destroyed the awesome reltationship we had.

 

What can I do to help her get over this...im gonig crazy...i didnt realize what I was doing...if i did I would have never done it...any advice will be GREATLY appreciated it..

[Survictor]

You wife obviously loves you and you obviously love your wife. Your wife is protecting the relationship you have and quite rightly so. Tell her how much you love her, respect her and that you didn't realise you were opening up the possibility of anything more with this lady and it wasn't your intention. Tell her that she had no reason not to trust you however because you wouldn't want to knowingly jeopardize the wonderful marriage you two have, how much you value that, how much she means to you. Ask her why she feels she couldn't trust you. Ask her if she believes that nothing happened and the only thing you offered was friendship, but you do understand that she feels you betrayed her and were disloyal to her and your relationship and you are sorry for that as she means more to you than anyone else.

 

You have to keep reassuring her and it may take a while.

[lostnpain]

I have accepted reponsiblity now..before I could not see where she was coming from..

i tried to have my wife talk to her but she wants to part of that..

She feels betrayed, and hurt and doesnt trust me for anything..and I understand that. this is killing me though..

 

I've lost my best friend and my wife....and for god know how long. Any ideas on what I can do to have her forgive me....anyone...

[Beec]

First, do not chase your wife. Chasing her is you seeking her attention because you want it, and that may not be what she needs. Moreover, until she wants your attention, giving her attention will make her not want it for a longer time. So let her be much of the time.

 

Second, the one thing you must do is realize that your wife felt and/or feels less secure in the relationship. I really don't think you did anything culpable per se, because you did not have the feelings for this women. What you did wrong was put yourself in a position that your wife thought made you vulnerable and which made her feel less secure. You developed an emotional tie to another woman when she was not there, it was not romantic or sexual, from what you say, but it was still emotional.

 

If you want to make your wife feel more secure, you have to invest in the relationship. Nothing drastic, but your efforts outside of work will need to go into it. It can be simple things such as doing things at home, doing things for her that show you care about her. It can be all sorts of things. If she sees you putting your effort into the relationship, she will feel more secure.

 

That, and it will take some time.

 

Good luck.

[lostnpain]

Oh..I forgot one thing.

 

when my wife came home from bootcamp I threw her a huge part..people drank alot and a bunch of people stayed in my house cuas they coldnt drive..

then she left again.

when she came back she cleaned out her drawers and found a pair of underwear in her drawer that wasnt hers...and she thinks they belong to this girl...again I understand why..

 

I feel like everytihing I do is jsut making it worse...

The truth is they belong to my cousin. I asked her if they were hers and showed them to her and she said they were becuase she did take a shower in my house that night and in her drunken stupper must have left them in the bathroom...

 

Since I didnt take my wife to talk to my cousin she doesnt believe me and think there was something physical going on. I didnt take my wife on purpose she just wasnt there when I got the idea to ask my cousin..I should have taken her..I agree and I regret not taking her..but this is also adding fuel to my forsest fire..

[heartlessromantic]

You did the right thing. People say that you didn't have an emotional affair but I think you stopped it just in time. This is how emotional infidelity works: people don't expect to cheat or get too close in a relationship. It happens because people think "we're just friends" and slide down the slippery slope. Soon enough, you're really in an emotional affair, which often leads to physical cheating. Given how often your wife might be gone in the future, she has every right to be upset and you should be more vigilant.

[lostnpain]

yeah shes back now..it doesnt feel like she's back but she is back

[lostnpain]

thats what I told her yesterday...I know what to look for now..I know what to be aware of now..b4 I didnt...

 

she doesnt believe me though..there are times I talk to her and I feel like she just doesnt care anymore becuase of the look on her face..

[lostnpain]

I dont mind..Im 34 and she will be 30 in 2 weeks. I have never given her a reason to doubt me and I have never cheated - hell the thought has never even entered my mind.

 

I've mentioned that...She says that we've never been away so long and the first time it happens this is what I do...she says she understands the 8 years of never doubting but it doesnt matter..this has just erased that.

[lostnpain]

OK how...

 

any suggestions...most of the times she want to go out with a gruop not alone..

[heartlessromantic]

Trust takes time to build up and is easily destroyed, no matter the track record. It is especially distressing since this happened the first time she was away from you for an extended period of time. One thing that is often ignored by the so-called "innocent" party is how something looks. Sure, maybe you had no intentions at all, but how does it look to her, given the circumstances? Very bad.

 

You sound like a good husband and it seems like you have had a good marriage up to this point. It might be good just to ask her what you can do to make her feel comfortable again. I mean the romancing is nice but you need to attack the real problem.

[lostnpain]

ive tried and she says she doenst know.

[Juliana]

I'm just going to come right out and say that I think your wife is overreacting. I think think that especially with a so-called "emotional affair," it matters very much what the intentions of both parties are. You never had any intention of cheating on your wife. So this is just....crazy....but good luck with the marriage counselling! How you'll be able to convince someone you're sorry for something you never did, I don't know, but carry on. I'll just be quiet now.

[lostnpain]

thanks..

I have tried to convince her so much that nothing happened...especially physically thats is not even funny...I've gotten to the point that I've given up on tryint to prove that..

 

I wish she woulsd just calm down and think things through...i think she is so mad that she is not letting herself to think rationally..but I cant say that cause then all hell will break loose.

[Beec]

Stop addressing it, because that is getting you what? Really, if you are doing something and it gets you nowhere, stop it. You need to find another way.

[lostnpain]

exaclty...like I said - ive given up on that...so what do you or anyone suggest besides the sweep her off her feet idea..

[Juliana]

Yeah, I think you're just feeding the monster, that being your wife's terrible insecurity and apparent need to play the victim. Holy smokes, this is her marriage, what the h*ll is she doing?? You're going to counselling; what does the counsellor say? I hope that you're not being told that this is all on you, because the reality is, nothing happened, and you never intended that anything should happen, and now it's like no amount of apology fixes this, so what gives?

 

What I have done, and I'm NOT saying you should do this, in similar situations, has been to say: Either believe me, and get over it, or get out. So I'm sort of the opposite pole from the "sweep her off her feet" advice.

[lostnpain]

Yeah its all on me - i think this is whats killing me..ive put myself in her shoes and yes I'd be pissed but I also would have forgiven her already and started to moved on...its been 2 months since she found out.

 

I thought about doing that but there are 2 reasons i havent done it

my 3 kids & Im also scared that she is still so pissed that she'ss say fine thats what you want to begin with (actually i know she'll say that).. and thats the end of it.. I dont want to loose her but I feel myself starting not to care anymore..

[Beec]

Just be for a little while, just be.

 

Don't seem like you are trying to do anything to influence her mood.

 

Invest in your homelife as I suggested, but not by trying to alter her mood. Take care of her well-being, take care of things like chores, take care of some project. Do not kow tow to her.

[lostnpain]

I'll try this..its hard but I'll give it a shot...thx

[Juliana]

Immediately get a new counsellor; this one's bad. If even we can see that there are bigger issues going on with this woman, the counsellor definitely should.

 

I think this situation is sliding over into abuse of you, which is pretty ugly. If she takes the marriage seriously, she should be putting her focus on investing in regaining trust and moving past this episode, without somehow trying to make out like you actually did cheat and actually did want to have an affair -- you didn't. Do not ever give an inch on that; be very clear that while you are sorry she was hurt by what she thought was going on, and you can understand why she might have imagined that there was something going on, nothing was going on. If her grip on the reality of what went on is slipping, you need to help her by making sure yours doesn't. You do not deserve to be condemned for something you didn't do, and your spouse, of all people, should be able to imagine that you were innocent and not guilty.

 

I think Beec has given you the best advice. I wouldn't have been so patient.

[lostnpain]

yeah 2months..and i have asked her..

 

she feels betrayed that i had to find someone else..so she's mad..

and the underwear dont help..despite the fact that a bunhc of people including her got smashed in my house for her party.

[lostnpain]

I wont give in to the fact i had a physical affair cause I didnt and I wont say I did..

Everything i have read though point to the fact that I had an emotional affair which if thats what it points to then fine I'm willing to accept I was wrong becuase I was not clear on what an emotional affair was - so I'll give her that much - does that make sense?

 

but I cant budge on the physicall affair.

 

I have to travel for work starting tomorrow until Friday the 15th. I've been thinking of moving out after I come back if the week of being separated does not change he in any way.

[lostnpain]

it wsa GREAT...not needy, she was independent. we loved being together..always lauging and looking forward to being with each other. I could not have asked for anything more...

 

what killed us was her going to her training. i felt like a piece of me was missing and I guess the friendship was a way to fill that void with the phonecalls and txt...when I say calls - sometimes they were like 30 to 40 min calls but most of them like I said was her complaing about her other half not talking about us becuase there was no us.

[Juliana]

Oh, "emotional affair" my a**. Did you, or did you not, prefer the company of this woman to your wife?

 

We're allowed to have friends. We're allowed to love other people -- I love all my friends; my husband seems fine with it. Who is "the one" for you? That's when it gets dicey -- and you never said anything about wanting this woman in any way, more than you wanted your wife.

 

Buddy, I think they've sold you a load of bs. I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

 

If you want your marriage and you want your wife, don't move out. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life -- your marriage is ending because you made a friend???