Do I respond?

[Tintinout]

Hi!

Been lurking on this forum for the last 7 weeks. My partner of 5 years decided that our relationship needed to end. I was very upset but let her go, even managed to make it mostly lighthearted and then went immediately into NC. She kept saying as she was leaving "If you love somebody let them go, if it's meant to be then they will come back to you!". I guess I hung onto this as a minor sign of hope but have since come to realise that this probably eased her conscience!

 

This forum has been so helpful. Cannot thank the likes of SuperDave and Heloladies 21 etc enough!!

 

I was asked to "be a friend" on our last meeting but realised that it was "lovers or nothing". I stated this clearly and also asked for NC. There has been nothing so far. I lost many friends through this, they were of the mutual-type (most better known to her). I sacrificed them so that I would have no knowledge that might hurt me whilst I was trying to heal. I also wanted her to have all their benefits as she went NC with me. I got the general feeling from her that I was being "replaced" (although I have no real evidence for this - just gut instinct based on a previous "indiscretion" on her behalf).

 

Anyway last night was just settling in to bed (typical!) when I received a text from a friend (definitely more her ally than mine, and her friend first!) saying "Hi ya B i know u and S r not 2gether but cud we still b friends as we really liked your company. you and your new partner will always b welcome please take up our offer lots of love"

 

It's knocked me for six! Firstly because I've had NC for so long, was starting to heal. Secondly, I DO NOT have a new partner and am far from that thought process at present. It's taking all I have just to love myself at the mo. Is this a "fishing text"? Should I respond and set the record straight?

 

Advice really appreciated. It seems like all my hard work over the last 7 weeks is about to be undone,

Tintinout

[Biffy]

I'm no expert but if I received a text like that I would immediately think that my ex had put the friend up to it.

 

When my ex split up with me I was bombarded by her friends over the course of the 1st 2 months all armed with bait and fishing rod... It's a bit odd if you ask me. When I have split up with people in the past I have never tried to remain friends of to check up on them - I just think it's more repectful and causes less hurt to both parties that way.

 

I'd reply but give absolutely nothing away, tell the friend it was nice to hear from the person and say you hope to see them some time. And that's all.

[daletroN]

don't let just that silly text make all your work for 7 weeks go down the drain. it might hurt for the moment right now as u just got the text not that long ago, but that moment of hurt should really phase away and u'll be back where you were before you even got that text

 

feel free to text back, but i'd be suspicious too (though that can be wrong too) but just text back like the above poster said, just dont give ANY feedback if there's another girl in you life, despite the fact that you don't have one. keep her guessing, unless you tottally want her OUT of her life, then just don't text back at all

[arrrrffff]

Tintinout, I'm in the same scenario as your are, execpt we were together for 3 years and the breakup was well, 7 weeks ago, lol.

 

Anyways, I did the same NC that you did, deciding to do NC with her mutual friends too.

 

I've also had contact from her friends. One was checking up on me for my bday today. One was this compeltely random message: "Hey you! Hows it goin? How was your trip" for which I was completely confused because I went on no trip, and her girfriend never says Hey you! to me. I get the feeling my ex was trying to check up on me by asking her, which is kind of weak in my opinion.

 

The rest of 'em them and my ex have not directly contacted me... some friends those are.

 

I didn't respond to any of the txt messages. Haven't been on MSN either. I just don't feel it would help me in anyway be replying.

 

Really I don't think your ready to start any sort of communication with your ex or her friends. Your healing just fine, and I don't want to see you hurt anymore. If your ex or mine really wanted to talk to us, they'd directly communicate with us. Just let it go and don't analyze. I'm sure if their message wanting to be friends was genuine, your friend would understand why your not replying.

 

Best wishes.

[heloladies21]

You got it my man! Feel free to message me personally anytime.

Is this a "fishing text"?

Good for you for noticing. This is very obviously your ex's attempt to ease her guilt by getting the proof that you've moved on and found someone else. It's a bunch of BS, but what can you do.

 

You don't owe her any answers, so you can just ignore it. Or say "thanks, hope to see you soon."

[Tintinout]

Happy Birthday arrrrffff! Well done too on the 7 week NC - it's not easy is it! Really want to set the record straight. I don't know what they think I've been doing this last seven weeks but it seems like their thoughts are way off reality!

It was all I could do the first 3 weeks to sleep beyond 3am and I lost half a stone in weight!

Thank you all for your support. Feels like I'm a part of a family.

Tin

[Beec]

It's either her fishing for your ex, for some purpose. OR, it may be her fishing for you. It's possible that she wants to be a friend, possible, or it might be that she is fishing for more serious reasons for herself.

 

I like the "thanks, hope to see you soon response."

[arrrrffff]

Happy Birthday arrrrffff!

Tin

 

Thank-you. You know maybe I can see us being being friends with our ex's in the LONG run, but right now I agree with you. Being friends is not what we want. We want a relationship. So it's that or nothing at all. I mean I can't imagine seeing her. It would just start the hurting cycle all over again.

 

Yes, her friends and her are probably doing the same thing as you and I... pondering what the other is doing. The more you do that, the more false stories you'll believe, and that is just unhealthy. Devote your new time + energy to other pursuits. I find I'm way more talkative and open that i ever was.

 

It's 7am... still writing papers... so I probably didn't make any sense, lol.

[SuperDave71]

Tintitout,

 

HOLD YOUR GROUND! DON'T YOU DARE RESPOND.

 

 

I don't care what you do. LET THEM WONDER....You are going to be fine.

 

Don't give in. As time goes by you will begin to heal more and more and your ex JUST MAYBE will realize that the "greass is NOT always so green after all".

 

 

Keep your NC NO MATTER WHAT!

 

Thnk you so much for the compliment my friend and I want you to NOT ONLY DEMONSTRATE to your ex you will be fine....

 

Prove it to yourself...

 

 

 

Believe in yourself!!!

 

 

You can do it!

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Tintinout]

Thanks to all who've replied. Posts from my heroes too - thanks SuperDave and heloladies!

I've not replied. It feels good to have not opened channels for communication that could only potentially open new wounds for me. NC is the way to go!

[SuperDave71]

Give us a report Tintinout...

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Tintinout]

I didn't reply Dave. I talked to my Mum who said I should respond as she is of the 'old fashioned school' that thinks the truth should be stated over and above anything else. She thought I should proclaim with textual anger and affront that even the idea of someone else was malicious!

 

I did however read the posts and actually ended up following my initial feelings. I did not reply!

It feels good now. If information is required then the person who matters knows my phone number, address, mobile number, email (work and home), place of employment....

 

The posts on here over the last few days have been inspirational. This week has been harder (understandably) but I know it will get better. I still have some hope (the "if you love somebody let them go" quote was said 4-5 time during break-up hour) but I'm not stopping it from letting me heal everyday and work on myself.

 

Before all this I used to run 3-4 times weekly and had just run a Half Marathon (having been a couch potato 18 months prior). Shame to say I've only been out once in the last 7 weeks. Partly because of the cold but mainly because I have to run past a "mutual couple's" house. Stupid I know! But sometimes it's the little things that disable us!

 

Anyway, thanks for listening,

Tintinout

[SuperDave71]

Tintinout,

 

Thanks for the update and post if you need us ok?

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71