meeting for coffee, need feedback!

[Captain34]

hey all, you can check out the history of my situtaion under the threads "feedback urgently needed" and "time for action(jackson)". for those that you who have followed my story, you'll know that meeting with my ex for coffee is a big step.

 

part of me deep down wants t o get back with her, but its no longer that "oh i must have her back" complex. i love her and i miss her, and its almost more improtant to me to solidify a friendship right now. dont get me wrong, id like to reconcile, but i dont expect that at all tomorrow.

 

question is, where do you all think she stands? what advice do you have for me?

 

im meeting her tomorrow, so time is of the essense. thanks everyone!

[Captain34]

actually, maybe i should just chill out and take it easy on this.

[thlst3]

I think it's a bad idea to meet up with a ex if you're not over her. It's going to suck when you leave and go home. You'll end up thinking about her more and more... I tried this before and I felt like crap the afternoon/next day.

 

If you're thinking about trying to get her back by having coffee, I suggest you keep the conversation lite. Avoid talking about the past or 'getting back together'.

 

Just relax and have a good time.

 

Good luck.

[terk2021]

I did this a few years ago when I though I was over an ex. All it did was bring up old feelings. It made me want her back more. I am not trying to discourage you from going, but make sure to go in with no expectations if you go through with it.

[kekep]

Based on all of your postings, I think it's too soon for you two to meet up, but since I'm about 99% positive that it's going to happen anyway, I'd advise for you not to try not turning into a blithering mess the moment you see her. Maintain your composure, man, and make sure you have some semblance of what you're going to say and/or ask her.

 

I have to warn you, the other morning I thought I was emotionally stable enough to extend the olive branch out to my ex so I emailed him, and even though I got a somewhat polite "I still care for you" response from him, it left me in shambles and set me back quite a bit. BUT, if you feel that meeting with her is the only way you can get past your emotions, by all means do it. Just be prepared that it could leave you with more questions than answers in the end.

 

That being said, what's the plan Stan?

[Captain34]

im cool folks, im waaaaaay past the emotionally unstable because im heartbroken stage.

 

ive just been frustrated at the lack of communication. im not thinking about reconciling because thats not gonna happen tomorrow. im just looking forward to catching up with her a bit.

 

which is exactly why i dont want to get too caught up in thinking about all this.

 

but thanks for the feedback!

[TheRedQueen]

TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL, POINT BLANK.

 

If you don't, I might strangle you.

 

Just kidding Captain, good luck.

[GuitarmanIII]

Hi Captain34, I have wrestled te same question as you these past few weeks. Be careful that you keep the conversation light.

 

After strict NC over a three month period, three weeks ago I relented and met with the X for drinks. For me it was a mistake. It only brought up my feelings for her...and gave her back power.

 

However, if you can set aside feelings and be friends all the power to you.

 

Take care and good luck to you!

[Captain34]

mixed advice, hard to know what to think.

 

point blank like the Queen advises, or play it cool and keep it light.

 

i say do both.

 

Queen, Tex, you think I should go all out no matter what? man, its gonna hurt if shes seeing someone - i have a feeling shes been dating.

 

point blank it is.

[bestfishinthepond]

Captain...we steer the same boat! I am meetng "L" at 11:00 to X-mas shop., today. We talked very positively last night and still want to see each other...maybe not to shop as much but to talk. Yor sediments speak very close to mine. He offered friendship right after the initial split, I was in too much pain to even consider it. However, now I'd like to reconsider that as an option.

An yes, it will hurt if she is dating or wants to date others. However, you and I should have that same opportunity too. If that is the case, and there is potential for establishing new boundaries of a new relationship: pure friendship, dating but not exclusive, or a commited relationship, then these boundaries should be discussed. Remember that boundaries are only place keepers to work within a frame work. They can be expanded or pulled in through negotiation and actively listening to each others needs.

So, I'm going to listen to him. For once in my life, I am going to shut-up (for the most part) and not play therapist, martyr, mother, sister, or teacher...I am going as a partner and more importantly, as a friend.

 

Peace will be,

bestfish

[Captain34]

so she text me a bit ago, asking if we could meet at a different coffee place. its one we had been to before in the past. i sent back an ok.

 

no shes wondering if we can meet earlier, she is hungry and wants to eat.

 

despit posting on here im actually busy until then, im just gonna text her bck that ill see her at 5.

[Captain34]

ok, here we go.....

 

so we met for coffee at the text exchange. actually she grabbed a bite but i didnt because id already eaten, but i did try some of her food. i guess its good that she wanted to eat, because that meant it wasnt just a quick coffee.

 

the first 45mins or so we just chatted about how each has been - family, school, work, future plans, etc. it was a very relaxed and enjoyable conversation for both of us. we laughed a lot too which was nice.

 

once we finished eating i got down to it. now, although more "serious" topics were discussed, it still remained a laid back conversation.

 

im not going to write this in chronological order since it was a lengthy chat, but ill touch on what i felt was important...

 

i communicated that i was glad she could come meet me, because its been like 5 months since we broke up and we had yet to sit down and talk for a bit. i really felt this necessary since we have mutual friends and run into ech other fairly often. i told her that im not a mind reader and she cant assume i know whats going on with her. i told her that im tired of wondering what is cool and what isnt, and taht regardless of how things are and how she feels, it is much better for her to just communicaate that to me than to ignore me some of the time. at first she said that she didnt think that we could be best buddies because we were so intimate and many feelings are still involved. she didnt stick to this by the end of the conversation though. it seemed like that was where she was starting from and needed to feel me out a bit. she asked me several times what i thought would be the ideal situation between us.

 

we agreed taht it is too hard to make a list of "rules" as to what is cool and what isnt...its just too complicated and contrived. instead, we decided to play it be ear, take it as it comes, and just be open and honest about how we feel about things as time goes on. i asked her to not have any preconceived notions about things between us, and told her i would be receptive to how she felt as long as she communicated this to me.

 

oh my, the lines of communication are open now. what a relief.

 

i told her i had often hung back from interacting with her how i normally would when i saw her, and even avoided places she may be at at times because we hadnt had this discussion. she told me she had been doing the same.

 

i also touched a bit on the past. and RedQueen, i did what you suggested. i told her i said things over the summer, not which i didnt mean, but that stemmed from the whole breakup. i said that having time apart was goog because i could see that how i felt really was genuine. i told her that at the end of the relationship, despite the fact taht i loved her so much and wanted to give her the world, i just couldnt. i had too many unresolved issues of my own taht really kept me from being able to give what i wanted to give, what i needed to give in such an intimate relationship. i said that i wished timing would have been different and that we could have been together when i had more solid footing. i came into college out of foster homes, barely scraping by, and until recently i had just been in survival mode in a sense. my background is a major part of who i am, and it took a llot of reflection and hard work to step up to the plate and take on responsibilities to be the man i strive to be. i think i got this point accross to her, but not in so many words.

 

i told her that i wasnt trying to bring up a rough topic, but that it had been m onths since the breakup and i had been dating and enjoying meeting new people. she knows this so why not bring it up. but i told her i missed her, cared about her, and loved her. i said i always would. i told her i didnt see us getting back togetehr right now, but that if the time was right i would want to give it another shot.

 

after saying this she said she come by my place to the cocktail party my roommate and i will be throwing soon. she even brought up on her own a party a friend of mine will be throwing, asking if she missed it. she knoews she didnt miss it, i just feel like shes letting em know shell be there and wantst to see me there. plus, she brought up the fact that she is coming back into town early in January to work on a documentary...of course knwoing ill be in town. now, this place is alomost deserted when everyone leaves, so she knows that we will basically be here when no one else is around. im surprised she told me this, and i feel like it was her letting me know she would be here.

 

she also told me she knows that she needs to do more from her side to make things better between us, all unprompted.

 

 

 

 

ok, now my thoughts. first, she looked good. but much, much, much more importantly, damn it was good to see her. i missed her. we laughed and i know for sure we both walked away glad that we had met up. we exchanged hugs on the way in and on the way out too. it was good to hear how she was, because i do care about her. plus, it was good to tell her how I was because I'veopened up with her more than anyone else and I want to share my personal progress with someone who understands what it has taken me to make changes for the better.

 

so I know we both want to work on being somewhat closer and just on better, more laidback terms in general. i feel like this was a good step. i feel like she was being very cautious about letting her feelings out, which I can understand. to be honest, i knew that we wouldnt be reconciled after this meeting, because i just dont think things work like that. its a process that takes time, and with time we'll see where this play sout. i am just glad to finally be at the point where we can communicate and enjoy each others company again. plus, she was recptive to coming to my home, and she brought up going to a party being thrown by my friend. she'll be going home in a few weeks, so this means we'll be seeing each other a bit more before she leaves. plus, she let me knwo she be in town when its so quiet around here that people really have to search to find some company.

 

i feel good. it was a very positive step in teh right direction. as to where things will go from here time will only tell. at the very least it is good to know she and i are committed to ironing out a lasting friendship. it doesnt hurt that something more may happen. regardless of what develops, the first and more important step is to move forward.

 

thanks so much to all of you for your kindness and support throughout these months. tonight was by far the greatest healing step ive taken, and it feels good. i plan to continue using these forums to get advice on the future, so keep on posting!

 

 

with all that said, what do you all think? have any advice for me in the weeks ahead? are there any details which i could elaborate on about meeting with her taht would be helpful?

[bestfishinthepond]

Captain, we steer the same boat but towards different directions. Perhaps, we will meet at the same destination. You and your mate and me and my mate will find that same place called loving together. I'd like to row the boat with him when he is ready. Mine was a postive, sad, loving, relieving, and communicating experience with an amiable solution for the present...mutual nc for now. For more, you may read my end post "Broke ind. nc for mutual nc". I wish you peace, strong love, and future happiness.

bestfish

[Captain34]

bestfish,

 

thanks for sharing your story with mem, I am glad we are both moving forward. keep your head up and row yourself in the right direction. your ex should dive off the dock and swim after you rather than you wait for him and then have to fight against the current.

 

many times throughout my posts ive talked about crazy coincidences, and last night I had another. a woman who i am strictly platonicfriends with who i have known since first grade came into the city. she called me but i was out and dint hear her call. so she went to a bar i frequent looking for me - and ran into my ex! now my ex has met her in the past, and even told me in the past that she was jealous of her (for nogood reason though). they ended up hanging out all night and m friend drove my ex home. my ex asked for her number and wants to chill out. they talked about me for a while, and my ex was telling my friend to call and see where I was at. now when my friend first went in she asked my ex if she knew where I was - and my ex seemed to be bothered that she was looking for me...until my friend told my ex that she really wanted to see my roommate. so then my ex opens up and tells her that my roommate isnt seeing anyone. now seriously, my roommate and my ex knows each other, but they are not good friends and my ex woouldnt know or have reason to know what hes doin unless shes trying to find out whats up with me. to top it off, my ex wants to hang out with this old friend of mine, and was telling her she would hook her up with my roommate. but again, my ex and roommate dont really have a connection like that.

 

any comments?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this whole coffee thing wouldn't mean so much to you if you weren't really hoping to get back together... coffee with a 'friend' doesn't build such anxiety or wondering how to 'play' it...

 

so you say you're hoping, but at the same time say you aren't.... my advice would be to stay true to what you want...

 

chat with her a bit, then ask her if she is dating... and tell her you still would like to date her... if she only wants friendship, she will reiterate that, or talk about her feelings...

 

you could go on a million friendly coffee dates with her where all she is thinking is 'nice friend', then she goes home to snuggle with her new boyfriend... so i'd only go on these coffee dates if you are willing to use the time to either REALLY make friends and accept the relationship is over, or else open a dialogue to see if she is receptive to starting dating you again..

 

otherwise it is just time spent fanning the flames for something that may not be possible, and keeping you from looking for a new relationship for yourself...

 

so you really need to decide what you are after, and have no 'hidden' agenda there other than friends, otherwise bring your agenda out in the open with her, and play it out...

[Captain34]

i agree, i shouldnt have been wondering about how to "play it". thats why, for the first time in a while, i went into it without and prepping or thinking about what i wanted to say.

 

it was nice to see her, it really was. we had a good time. i was honest with her, but i really, really disagree with a lot of the feedback taht i get which suggests all or nothing, right now. if its ever going to work out the first step is getting comfortable around each other again and spending time together. thats what is happening now. ii have no idea where things will go and i dont wantto come to any premature conclusions.

 

so, we'll see what happens. she does however seem to want to chill out with me more and this whole deal with her spending the night out with a friend of mine is interesting.

 

but oh well, no need to think about that now. the patriots are playing...

[TheRedQueen]

Captain, oh Captain, how very happy I am for you!!!!

 

After reading your account of your coffee shop encounter with your ex, I too get an overall good feeling.

 

First off, the fact that she wanted to get a bite to eat was definitely a good sign, signifying that she wanted to spend more time talking with you than just "chatting over coffee".

 

Secondly, I'm really proud of you, and the way you opened up and expressed your feelings about her and your situation so freely, BRAVO!!!

 

Last but not least, her mentioning coming back early from the holiday break, as well as her agreeing to go to both upcoming parties where you will be either hosting or attending, is a HUGE indicator of her still having deeply held feelings of love, friendship and warmth for you.

 

From my outside perspective, I feel strongly that both you and she share some type of bond. Who knows where the future will take you guys, but for what it is worth, I've got a good feeling about this one, and especially you, i.e. your future in particular.

 

Captain, you're awesome. Keep doing what you're doing.

[Captain34]

thanks RedQueen...

 

I thought it went well because it was just plain and simly enjoyable spending time with her. we laughed a bit, opened up to each other.

 

What a coincidence that my ex and old friend hung out...especially because the exact same thing happened last winter before things heated up between us. I dont believe that the coincidence really means anything, but it made me laugh.

 

BUT, from what I was told about what the two of them spoke about, it really reinforces my positive conclusions from meeting up with my ex.

 

You see, I came into school literally 3 weeks out of state custody. I worked my * * * off to get by, but I was stuck there. I didnt want to face the issues with my family, or opening up for that matter. Then one day I started another job on campus and I met my ex - I knew from literally second number one that something special was there. Seriously, I told a friend of mine who also worked there about it when she stepped out of the room. Maybe no one can empathize, but this woman brought love into my life that I never felt from anyone - she really broke down the walls I put up before I even realized it. But it didnt stop there. I finally had something valuable enough, so worthwhile, that I realized I had to confront the past and start working double time to really be a man. Dont get me wrong, I was a mature and tough assed kid, but I wasnt yet a man. I look back on the past two years and cant believe the progress I have made. I owe it to a tremedous amount of determination, honest relfection, and just plain hard work. But I dont think I would have manned up like I did had she not come into my life. She was a catalyst for so much, and thats why I dont want to lose her, even if it may just be friends.

 

I thought about it a bit and realized - I dont just care for her because of how she helped me, I love her for who she is. I never in my life have met a woman so wonderful.

 

Alright, enough of spilling my guts.

 

So from here on out I plan to give it a while and see how it goes. I'll invite her to my place and I'm sure run into her at this other party. BUT, I'm not going to now go into overtime trying to make something happen. Know what I mean?

[TheRedQueen]

thanks RedQueen...

No problem Captain.

 

You see, I came into school literally 3 weeks out of state custody. I worked my * * * off to get by, but I was stuck there. I didnt want to face the issues with my family, or opening up for that matter. Then one day I started another job on campus and I met my ex - I knew from literally second number one that something special was there. Seriously, I told a friend of mine who also worked there about it when she stepped out of the room. Maybe no one can empathize, but this woman brought love into my life that I never felt from anyone - she really broke down the walls I put up before I even realized it. But it didnt stop there. I finally had something valuable enough, so worthwhile, that I realized I had to confront the past and start working double time to really be a man. Dont get me wrong, I was a mature and tough assed kid, but I wasnt yet a man. I look back on the past two years and cant believe the progress I have made. I owe it to a tremedous amount of determination, honest relfection, and just plain hard work. But I dont think I would have manned up like I did had she not come into my life. She was a catalyst for so much, and thats why I dont want to lose her, even if it may just be friends.

 

I thought about it a bit and realized - I dont just care for her because of how she helped me, I love her for who she is. I never in my life have met a woman so wonderful.

Man, oh man is this girl lucky.

 

BUT, I'm not going to now go into overtime trying to make something happen. Know what I mean?

I do know what you mean, keep it cool and honest, and of course I wish you the best of luck.

[Captain34]

a part of me is genuinely relieved. its the part thats been weighing on me these past months.

 

i feel ive done well getting ove rthe breakup - as far as adjusting to not having her around and being generally well again. but, ive never had to face her potentially being with someone else. plus, just seeing her this weekend brought back a great deal of desire for her.

 

look, i know im running a risky road committing to wanting a friendship. but i dont necessarily know how to best go about it. i was very honest with her, and i did mention dating others, but i did not expressly ask if she was seeing someone seriously. partly because im not try to be concerned about that, partly because i didnt want to pry, and partly was because i wanted to keep things light and cool. i wasnt intending meeting her to provide me with a final answer to whether things will work out. i dont think either of us can that it will. both of us can say that it wont - but neither of us did. regardless, i cant help but wonder if she is seeing someone right now.

 

another question - how do i approach dating other women now? i want to reconcile, but i dont want to hold my love life hostage over this. i do have interest in other women, and its been healthy to date around for me. at the end of the day though, these women really just dont do it for me like my ex does. i really try not to compare them, just how they all amke me feel.

 

but the thought o fmy ex seeing someone else gets at me. flings that dont mean anything and dont develop into anything i think i can handle. but something meaningful, now, after seeing her this weekend.....this is all on my mind.

 

whats the right way to handle this? a friend tells me to not think about it because it isnt my concern. i dont know if thats best. should i have asked her straight up about this? i feel things need to move slowly so i didnt ask. what do you all feel is best about this? should i try and talk with her about it or just let it go?

 

now i guess its best if i assume she is seeing someone, no? regardless, i really felt when meeting with her that she was glad to see me and genuine with what she said and how she acted. I'm dating others but I want my ex, could it be the same for her?

 

Its only been a day, i guess I need some mfurther reflections and feedback to get a better handle of how I feel about it all.

[Captain34]

i should remember that it was taking initiative to get some resolve over all this that made me feel betetr about it.

 

i need to keep doing that. it seems to be clear at this point that a friendship is possible and desired by both of us, so i need to develop that. but i also need to see what happens between us. i dont think i should pry into who she may be seeing. i think i should pursue. she may be dating, but i have been as well. plus, i dont want to get ahead of myself from meeting with her, but I do think its fair to say the door is open to see what happens.

[Captain34]

sh*t

 

so I checked her facebook page. she messaged with her friend on her wall tongiht.

 

her friend: i love it, you like a frozen steak on the counter waiting to be eaten. mm meat"

 

her: the big thaw 2k6, you in?

 

now this has to do with her love life. what does this all mean?

 

should i just contact her again and get things settled? or if things still do have a chance should i just play it cool.

 

after that talk we had, would she write anything as a shot? is this her way of telling me shes seeing someone? am i just being devils advocate here? could this be referring to me? oh my, i need some thoughts on this?

 

i take it as her friend knowing we met and i still want her, as well as others wanting her. i cant let this play out and not know where I stand....but it seems like I am still in the picture, so should I just play it cool and pursue?

[melrich]

Captain, I read your account of your coffee etc. just now. I read the signals you are trying to pick up. My immediate reaction is you are way over reading what she is saying.

 

I really fear you have set yourself back by meeting her like this. I hope I am wrong but I am feeling that you two are at two totally different places at the moment.

[Captain34]

i know what you are saying and i am concerned about this, but i admit there is a possibility taht i am simply worrying too much.

 

i do feel like it was a good idea to meet because a lot of things were resolved. i really feel like she would have told me she was seeing someone, or at least communicated to me taht she wasnt interested in me more than friends. but she didnt do either. if thats the case and we were both honest with each other, do you really think she would put it out there that shes being intimate with others in such a way? that seems to be really cruel, and i dont see her doing taht. plus, why would she start daing others and declare it so now right afetr we met?

 

should i try and eet with her again and get a flat out answer? iknow many of you would suggest yes, but i still see her open to reconciling. that makes me think i should do what requeen suggested - play it cool and feel things out.

 

now say she isnt interested me as anything more than a friend, and i read into things too much, and she didnt say that, and her interactions with my friend last night meant nothing.....wouldnt it still be wrong to let the cat out of the bag so to speak in such a manner? that just seems cruel to me, i dont see her acting like that. again, should i bring this up? should i breach the whole facebook topic? i mean, she brought up the fact that a friend of mine wrote something on her wall, which i had nothing to do with.

 

 

could this just be her friend commenting on the fact taht she is desirable, and her firing back acting that way to spurn me on? make me feel the need to chase harder? could it be her just trying to get a reaction out of me to see how much i want her?

 

her actions make me feel like tehre is still something there and she wants me to pursue. i mean cmon, i sat down with her, told her she wasnt obligated to owe me anything, asked for honesty and gave honesty. id accept it if she wasnt into me anymore, but she just didnt act liek that.

 

now granted, the problem lie sin the fact that somethingliek this causes a reaction out of me. i shouldnt take something like that as meaning what she didnt say or communicate to me. she seemed to do the exact opposite.

 

i think im just making a bigger deal out of this than i should be. im just going to let it go, give it some time, play it cool but still pursue, and see what happens.

[melrich]

i really feel like she would have told me she was seeing someone, or at least communicated to me taht she wasnt interested in me more than friends. but she didnt do either

 

Captain, here is what I think you are ignoring in all of this.

 

My partner went out for a girls Xmas lunch last weekend. The lunch went into dinner and all got very merry. My partner was talking late in the evening to her best firend who started to unload that her marriage was over and started to list all the reasons why. Apparently this conversation went on for an hour or more.

 

My partner got sick of this. So she asked "P, do you still love J?" and she answered "yes". And my partner said "well then you can work it out."

 

Captain, the problem with your situation is your ex no longer loves you like that. She cares for you and she is interested in what happens to you. You were a big part of her life. But she does not love you like she did. How do I know? Because people in love do not stay apart. Peopel in love, even if they are having a rough time in their relationship will find a way to stay together. They do not break up for 5 months and have extended periods of "no Contact". Life just doesn't work like that.

 

So there is your problem Captain.

 

She cares about you, she would love to be your friend, she is interested in you but she doesn't love you. If she did she'd have expressed it to you by now. She'd have made an effort to let you know in some way she was missing you like crazy and she wanted you back.

 

People in love don't stay apart when there is no good reason to. She is not sitting around waiting for you to change. She is moving on and she thinks you have somewhat too.