Feel Terrible, Just Want To Leave

[Dallan]

I don't know where to start...

Basically I'm a very lonely person, I'm almost 18, and I've never been in any kind of relationship, I've never had anyone like me (one exception that I'll explain), I've never held a girls hand and I'm a kind of person who needs someone to love and be loved by. And the fact that anyone I end up liking never likes me back in that way keeps me in a pretty constant state of depression these past days.

 

I've known a certain girl for years, and we started talking to each other again a year or so ago, and this last month we've gotten really close, then I found out she just got a bf. This hit me hard, especially since I was going to ask her out (and I hate rejection, so don't ask people out that often). Turns out she use to like me, so basically I missed going out with this girl that is absolutely perfect for me. I'm a pretty big nerd, and as anyone who lurks the Internet to any extent will know, girl nerds are very rare. Anyway, this got me thinking about everything, and everyone I know, and I truly do mean everyone has had more relationship experience than me, this includes people who are 3 or 4 years younger than me. All my friends have, and my friends were the most conservative at our school.

 

I don't feel like I'm doing any good at all here in Brisbane (Australia), there's one university course that I'm somewhat interested in, but the entry spaces are very limited and the marks needed are high (and I didn't do to great at school). So I feel like just walking out the door and going, don't care where, just somewhere that lacks these pathetic problems of modern western life.

 

If I stay I'll eventually have to go get a job, and unfortunately the only jobs around here are customer service, which is terrible for me. My first job was customer service and the idea of going to work made me physically ill until I quit.

 

So yeah, I just can't stand it any more, I want to leave, kill myself, something, I just don't want to be here any more. Unfortunately Australia is an island and I can only walk so far, and I don't relish the idea of swimming island to island. But I need to do something...

 

help?

[honeyspur]

Whoa! Hold on there friend!

No suicide thoughts ok? Let's just get rid of that one right now.

 

Your confidence is going downhill, I can tell, so I understand why you want to run.

I know how you feel - at 18 I hadn't been in a serious relationship and was suicidal myself. I immersed myself in music and hobbies and slowly pulled myself out.

 

Try to stop judging yourself and your surroundings. These things are a choice, not reality. Your home doesn't suck and you aren't actually alone in the world.

Leaving would be a good idea - but find a purpose and a place to go that will have a lot going on and a job.

Customer service only sucks if you decide it does. It is limiting to think things aren't going to work before you've even done them.

Courage needs to be built - you can do it! Start here and ask how to get your life going.

I know you can't help feeling bad about not being in a relationship, but while your in that, use your time wisely. Do things anyway. Your mind is in turmoil, but get going anyway. You are lonely and uncomfortable with the idea working - but work anyway.

 

Use this site and just get these things out. Ask for tips on whatever is stopping you. Want to know how to pursue someone? Stop looking only in your town. Get on the internet and get brave. Go to work and make eye contact with everyone - just to get used to being connected to people.

You might have to start from the ground up.

 

From the short thing you wrote, I can tell you are smart, interesting, funny and kind. How much of this do you hide from people? People who could be a friend or a relationship?

How appealing is the idea of not waiting anymore for things to happen TO you and making them happen instead?

Fear? Naturally! But fear only lasts as long as we stand still.

Keep us informed......I want to know whats happening even if tomorrow you say the same thing.

 

DON'T GIVE UP!

[4ever]

hi, just my two cents.

first, i didnt have any reltionship until i was 20, so you have lots of time ahead for heart breaks.

and second, wow my dream is to live in Australia, but i probably wont even be able to visit ever, so you are damn lucky.

hang in there

[AwdreeHpburn]

hey Dallan - welcome to ENA!

 

Sorry you're feeling so crappy - girls'll do that to a guy. Not intentionally of course....

 

I know this sounds like cheesey advice, but the one thing you DO have on your side is time.

 

I know, I know..."oh, you're still young" is the one line that'll make you stop reading, but it's true.

 

It's hard not to get caught up in the sadness of it all right now, but I think you should stay friends with that girl if it's at all possible. Not trying to give you false hope, but you never know what could happen in 6 months even.

 

Give yourself some time to get over this and try not to beat yourself up too much.

 

And believe me when it comes to the running thing, I've got the market cornered on this one....where ever you go, there you are.

[Dallan]

Still feel just as bad...

Found out 2 of my friends, who are both younger than me, are doing all sorts of activities with their partners now. So the fact that one of them is the girl I like (I also found out she was complaining to one of her friends that she thought that I thought she was all girly and innocent and would never grow up..that didn't help..), and the other is one of my close friends, and that they're both younger than me gets me further down.

 

I just feel like there's nothing left for me to stay here for. I guess the fact that out of everyone I've ever liked, no one has liked me back. I get on great with practically every girl I meet, but none see me in that way. I even get people asking me (seriously) if I'm gay. And I truly do feel like it would be better just to be dead, or far far away where I can basically have a new life...

 

Dunno why I'm posting again, it's basically the same thing, but you said you wanted to stay informed...

[easyguy]

Taking up new interests, helping other people through volunteer work, and adopting Buddhism has completely transformed my life in a short amount of time. I am 20 years old, but was a depressed, lonely person all through my teen years and even wrote a couple mock suicide notes. Then things quickly changed as I started doing new things.

 

Metaphorically speaking, sometimes everyone needs their window cleaned. Perhaps you can give it a shot. You never know what it feels like unless you do it. Take a chance. If you want to feel happier, you have to take some initiative, take control of your life. And it does not mean making dramatic shifts... but instead, taking baby steps is sometimes best.

 

Hope you feel happier soon. I've gone through much of what you've gone through, and am about the same age as you. I've never been in a relationship either, but I don't dwell on it. I am happy as is because of that. That would sure be a waste of mental energy depressing your mind over one thing, right?

[honeyspur]

Well I'm glad you are back, even if it is just for our sake.

 

Everyone here is right about what they are saying. But just getting a job, learning to like your environment and choosing to like yourself seem too vague an explanation for a totally individual experience.

None of us have been through your experience exactly, so it is hard to believe what we're saying.

Unfortunately, you have to try it out more than a few times to see if it really works.

 

I must say - I'm not sure why "getting on" with other girls, without the promise of romance, is such a terrible thing. Why is that?

Why have you allowed yourself to choose those limits? What is it about friendship and patience that is not good enough?

 

I was excited to see your post. Your style of writing is interesting and it makes me even more curious about your life and how you started out in this world. I'm just some lady on the other side of the earth, yet you have enough in you to catch my eye - that is a far cry from being so meaningless you should end your life.

 

Depression is a lot like wearing sunglasses that are so dark, you can barely see through them. Just like you choose to put the glasses on - so you choose depression.

Something safe about depression. Something sure about it, wouldn't you say? You can command it - keep it going - keep it deep. I can't do it to you. The silly girls you fret over can't reach in your heart and mind and do it. Not literally anyway. Only you can.

 

Thats whats so unfair about being an adult. We've fully developed physically now, so there are no more excuses. As children , the injustices we went through were NOT our fault - and unless we were compensated for those somehow, they are never resolved and they become habitual.

That's why it might not feel like you are controlling this. Because it's now a habit.

It takes 28 days to form a habit. If you've been feeling even slightly bad about yourself for longer than that, you can see why it's so hard to get out.

Most people can't make a habit in a month, even with that knowledge, because the fear of success is greater than the fear of failure. Success means we will have to live up to something and what if we just don't feel like it someday? What if we try until our head hurts and we still don't get what we want?

 

We make another choice. Obviously, the choices we're making aren't working (feeling depressed is not getting you a girlfriend and neither will committing suicide) so we must choose happiness and positivity. Even if we don't feel it right away.

 

I think you should write another post here - you have sucked me in now - so I hope you won't leave me hanging.

I also want to know who it was that first told you that you weren't that great/interesting/nice whatever....I just have this burning feeling that it wasn't any of these goofy girls you keep mentioning, I think it happened a long time ago.

 

Come back Dallan.....I'm just itchin' to know.....

[karenin]

Taking up new interests, helping other people through volunteer work, and adopting Buddhism has completely transformed my life in a short amount of time. I am 20 years old, but was a depressed, lonely person all through my teen years and even wrote a couple mock suicide notes. Then things quickly changed as I started doing new things.

 

some good ideas. maybe you cant get on that course now, but is there something else you can do oto get you onto the course next year? an activity or something to enable you to meet a new circle of people?

i moved cities a few months ago and joined a local drama group which has helped build my confidence, especially as the people at my work arent so socialble after-hours.

 

please dont think so negatively. i know its cliched but there's always people worse than you and there's always a way to better a situation.

 

also, a lot of people dont get anywhere near the opposite sex for a long time after your age

 

chin up and good luck!

[karenin]

i must also add, dont preoccupy yourself with meeting women. they'll come in their own time. focus on being you and developing you and be proud of who you are. its confidence like that that the ladies like

[Dallan]

well I'm back again...

In response to some of your posts:

 

No one said I wasn't wonderful or interesting specifically that I can remember.

 

Depression comes and goes, it wasn't to bad the last couple of days...I dunno if it's habit or something more, my dad suffers from depression so yeah, hereditary? lol

 

Getting on with girls really well is terrible because, uh well it's like holding a toy above a kids head, I see it, it's great, but I'll never have it. Same with relationships, all my friends have them but I just can't get one...

 

And about this girl I like, well we were talking and she admitted that she likes me, which made me insanely happy for a couple of days. Her and her bf are having problems though, and I was helping her trying to find out what was going on...

 

She had suspicions that he only was with her for her body, and he hadn't talked to her for almost a week. So that made me a bit mad, especially when I found out he was talking about her like she was a trophy gf to his friends and eventually her best friend told me to tell her about it. We hung out for a day and that was heaps and heaps of fun, we both said it was the best day of our holidays so far. Anyway that night I told her and she wrote a letter to her bf and stuff, and he ignored it for a day then today they talked briefly, and now it's all better. It's depressing because I really don't think he deserves her, and all he had to do was say he didn't mean it and she forgave him.

 

So yeah...

 

I had my training shift at the job, and I really don't feel like going back, but I'm going to end up doing it anyway because I really need some money.

 

Well yeah, all of this makes me feel terrible, and once again I feel like leaving. But yeah I just don't know what to do...

[revitalized]

hey Dallan I never dated anyone until I was 20 and it turned out to be a heart breaking experience! value the fact that you got freedom bro. You're young, you can chill and have some fun man. Don't kick yourself because this girl has a bf. Think about how many women are out there!! Billions man, billions. Just stick with what you enjoy and live your life to the fullest. Go out and talk to people and make some friends and have some laughs. One day u will have a nice relationship when u least expect it. Trust me, theres much more to life than dating. So we're all here to help you back up man. Everyone gets down and a lot of people have the same issues with you. You're not the only one and thats why this site is called enotalone! We're all here for you bro. If you ever need anything just keep us posted and we will be glad to help out!

[trjarstjornur]

Well, obviously Dallan, one thing you could do is go see a psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm not sure if anything actually beats professional help - after all, if you had a broken leg, say, or chronic headaches, seeing a doctor is probably more productive than talking about it on an internet forum. Not that forums aren't helpful - very good for venting, getting general advice and such. Of course, that may be a bit too expensive right now - and then internet forums like this ones are a good second-best.

 

Anyway - at 18, it's a bit too early to start thinking that life ain't worth living, that you'll never get a girlfriend, etc. Sure, if you keep telling yourself these things, they'll probably end up coming true - so maybe you could try telling yourself something else? For example, you could make up some affirmation-type things that you'd repeat to yourself every day. Like just write them down on a little piece of paper, maybe only ten or so of them, and look at it once a while. Or make a bunch of them, the size of a playing card, one affirmation on each, and when you're feeling down, you pull one out and read it (aloud or quietly, I guess it doesn't matter). A friend of mine did a similar thing to stop smoking (among other things) and he claims this helped a lot with that.

 

Well, it's an option - and there's an awful lot more of those lying around, waiting for you to pick one (like the many that have already been suggested above). The main thing is to get rid of all this negativity (preferably without drugs, unless a doctor has prescribed them) - it really does have a tendency to turn into some kind of nasty self-fulfilling prophecy. It might also help to get rid of this "I'm a kind of person who needs someone to love and be loved by" idea. I mean, of course, we all (or most of us, at least) need other people around us to love and touch and all that. They make life better. An old analogy may be appropriate: These other people may bring spices (like pepper or cinnamon or whatever), but we gotta supply the meat and potatoes ourselves.

[Dallan]

Dunno if any of you want to hear about this anymore...I just can't seem to be able to take any of your advice.

 

She admitted she liked me and that was probably the happiest I've ever been (yay endorphins). And we were getting along great, I was hanging out with her alot more than her bf (as usual) but they were going good. Anyway I felt terrible the other night and just talked to her about how much I liked her and stuff, and she said I was emotionally wearing her out because of it. Basically we had a fight with her saying she doesn't like me anymore, and just wants to be friends.

My problem is that I can't just be her friend, I want to get to know her inside out and I can't do that just as her friend. Now I'm extremely jealous of her bf, envious even. I can't stop thinking about her, it's keeping me depressed all day, I really need to get over her. I had work for a couple of days (its not as bad as I thought it would be) and I didn't see her (or her best friend who went off at me about the whole thing) for awhile. I blocked them on msn, trying to isolate myself from her since I seemed to just be causing her harm.

 

Today I was out xmas shopping, and as I came out of a store she was there with her friend, and she saw me before I could get away, and her best friend made me go shopping with them. That was probably the most awkward terrible time I've ever had.

 

I spend all day thinking about her, I can't concentrate on anything else at all. It's making me crushingly depressed. I can't just be her friend because when I'm with her all I can think about is how much I love her and basically stew up spiteful feelings against her bf (I even dreamt about punching him in the face).

 

I'll never be more than friends with her (as she told me) and I can't stop loving her, so I need to get over her. just help, please, for the love of god help cause I can't live like this.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Dallan,

 

Sorry you're hurting right now.

Have you considered trying to distance yourself from your friend?

If you cannot be happy with simply being a friend, and if she has not yet broken things off w/ her bf, and if contact w/ her is depressing you, then how about taking a step back to reassess the situation?

 

IMO, your happiness and emotional stability should be of utmost priority; as much as you care for your friend, if she is disrupting your ability to be happy and emotionally stable, then distancing yourself might be best, for now.

 

What do you think?

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[_Jaffa_]

Yeah, distance yourself. Avoid her completely for a while. Tell her you have to to get over her and then throw yourself into other things to distract you from thinking about her.