slightly confused, but will play along

[Mark82]

My ex and I of 6years broke up at the start of the year, pretty much a day after new years. We tried to leave things on good terms.

After that we had a period of nc for at least 2 months... we started talking online and about 8 months later we caught up in person. Things were a little uneasy (for me) and I wasn't sure what her intentions were, so I kept my distance. Anyway after seeing her in person twice (in a period of 3 weeks), we didn't talk for a while. After 6 years its hard to put down all your old feelings etc and just be friends.

 

Anyway so a month or so went by, we spoke maybe once or twice on the net, only when I initiated the conversation. So I stopped to see if she would make an effort.

 

Today she called me out of the blue, asked what I was doing for christmas and asked if I would like to spend christmas day with her and her parents. At first I didn't know what to say, so she said i'll let you think about it... I called back to tell her that i'd love to spend christmas with them (I was close with her parents, I lived them for a year.. big mistake). she said thats great and said she didn't want to spend christmas alone this year, saying she doesnt have any brothers or sisters and that it was fun last year with me. (strange considering we broke up soon after).

 

based on what she has said in the past when we broke up, about feeling more like a sister to me... it seems she just wants someone so she isnt lonely. This kinda gets to me as I dont know if im over her, at first I didn't know her intentions but after I accepted her offer, her intentions were clear. I am still just a brother to her.

 

So i'm thinking about going along with this, i'll try not have any expectations (which will be hard) and will enjoy myself with her and her family.

 

my question is, do you think she purposely mentioned the brother/sister thing to make it clear that she isnt interested romantically in future? Did I just make my christmas suck by allowing the past to come up again? What are your suggestions in this situation?

 

I want to move on but things like this keep coming up, I can't be just a friend with her because for 6 years we were more. I feel akward not being able to hold her when i'm with her.

[need2bme]

I want to move on but things like this keep coming up, I can't be just a friend with her because for 6 years we were more. I feel akward not being able to hold her when i'm with her.

 

Exactly. Then don't do it! I miss the girl I was seeing too. However, now she is controlling it all. I don't know if she is seeing someone else and quite frankly, I don't care.

 

Back to your issue though. Why would you want to be with anyone who does not want to be with you?

 

I think the girl I was seeing is sexy, beautiful and probably going to make someone happy. IN THE FUTURE! Right now, she is even unsure about herself. So, someone can sit and tell you that you may be friendzoned, but if you don't want to be, then don't be.

 

I will always have a soft place in my heart for all of my exes, and I think that is ok. I am good friends with my ex-wife even. However, there is a time and place for that.

 

Being just a friend with someone you love, in hopes it is more, is simply telling yourself you are not worth anything.

 

You are worth more than just being there when someone else wants you to be. It is a two way street. Even casual everyday street acquaintances are a two way street. If you are willing to give of yourself, shouldn't others? Shouldn't you require no less than that?

 

If you are just with her to get a little pat on the head or to have some sex, fine. If you want to be more, then tell her and if it is not the same with her...WALK!!!!

 

Good luck.

[dogheadma]

If you're going on the basis of just being friends it's fine but if you're hoping for more you could be setting yourself up for a disapointment. Keep your perspective and be realistic about why you want to be there. If it's because you hope to rekindle something then I would advise against putting yourself in that position. On the other hand if you just would like to spend time with friends and that's all you see it as then all is well. Only you know what your intentions really are. Be honest with yourself and don't set yourself up to be hurt.

[Survictor]

Perhaps you should speak to your ex g/f directly about this and explain how you feel and if it means that Christmas Day is not spent with her and her family as a result of your conversation, then it is probably for the best.

[melrich]

Oh man, this is not going to be a fun day for you. All those memories coming back in one room. If I were you I would be trying to find any excuse I could to get out of this one.

[Layword]

I agree man, you seem like you want to rekindle a long gone flame.

[Mark82]

I don't think I want to rekindle the flame as I don't feel like I need or want her, sure I have some moments when I think it'll be easier to go back to her then start over. I think the thing that is getting to me is the hurt is coming up again, and the only way to heal that hurt is for her to want me back, or to have a clear understanding of her intentions.

[Cloud802]

Well, just do what you feel is best, just please consider what you are doing by going to dinner with her family. Like you said, it brings up hurt and possibly a hope that has no place, it might be best if you don't do it.

[need2bme]

It would be WAY too awkward for me man! I know that if I ever had dinner with my exes family, at least I could finally be truthful about her father and sister using her.

 

Come to think of it, that might actually be fun.

[Mark82]

hrmm, I've changed my mind. In a week i'll call up and say I have to go visit my parents for christmas, thanks for inviting me etc... I just realised i've forgotten about her, not gotten over her. So i'm just going to hurt myself.

 

I want this next year to be my year, if I go it'll start the same way as last.

 

thanks for everyones help!

[Mark82]

ha, well plans changed. I called her up, asked her why she invited me because we arent friends, i'm not her brother as she used to put it and we are no longer in a relationship. She completely ignored what I said and said "just come, it'll be fun..." I ended up re-iterating what I said and she said "you are reading too much into it, " get ready for it... she said "Even strangers come to dinner on christmas". So I said, i'm not a stranger. She said, yea I know but just come!... I said no I'm sorry, please thank your parents for inviting me.

 

Anyway, there was a lot of silence during the conversation, obviously akward, I struggled to find words to explain how I felt. She reconfirmed how she feels by saying "I miss you, it'll be good to hang out with you then she said, oh you'll probably read into that too much as well... you overcomplicate things. So I said to her, things are simple to you because you don't care (maybe a bad thing to say)... she said I do care, why can't we just be friends?

 

anyway, after more silence I said I better go, thanked her and wished her a good day. I then called her mum and thanked her for inviting me.

 

End of story. I didn't get as much closure as I wanted but its enough. Now I feel worse than before, but i'm sure i'll get over it. I seriously don't think i'll get over what we had, but I do have to move on... and being friends isn't going to help.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there Mark,

For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision; hanging out w/ an ex as friends is one thing but having to hang out w/ her parents as well ... frankly, that would have been too uncomfortable, IMO.

 

One good thing now that you've RSVP'ed is that you don't have to think about this any more! You can focus on making better plans for the holidays!

 

Best wishes to you and happy holidays!