being compared to her ex

[shep88ner]

i just want to tell you a couple of things my girlfriend does that drives me crazy. i just want to know what everyone else thinks about it.

 

sometimes, if we're arguing or whatever, she like, compares me to her last boyfriend. for instance, she randomly got sad out of nowhere one night, and i asked what was wrong and she said she thinks she's ugly. so i asked why she thought this and she said it was because i didnt call her beautiful very often.now, it's not that i dont think she is, i just dont say it A LOT. i dont mean anything by it at all. then she starts in by saying "well...andrew would just walk up behind me and hug me and whisper i was beautiful in my ear". so i was just like, what the ? who says that? then we were at a little party thing about 3 months into our relationship and i heard her talking to another lady friend about her ex, and she mentioned how he wore a cut off tshirt and then she said "i just thought, ahh...dont do this to me now!" and i was sitting right beside her. and the thing about that is, i am not muscular at all, im 6' and only weight 140. then again when we argue, and i argue back she gets all upset and once told me "i think it was because andrew would just beg me to forgive him right away and give in"

 

they only dated for 3 total months. they started dating back september of 2005 and broke up dec. 10 2005. we've been dating now since january 6 2006. so it's been nearly 11 months now.

 

 

is this something i should just be annoyed at only? or do you think i should be more than just annoyed? other than her comparisons i really have no real reason to believe otherwise, but i just want to hear what you all think. thanks

[kittysaysmeow]

My ex would do the same. His ex-gf looked like me, we studied the same thing in school, even had the same background. It was so bizarre. And he would always talk about her and how she broke up with him.

 

I was unable to see that he was doing that because he never got over his previous relationship. He always compared me...physically, sexually, emotionally...it didn't matter, his ex was on his mind not me.

 

Talk to her and tell her you don't appreciate it. I would also ask her if she's really over him. If she is then tell her that you don't like being compared. If it doesn't change then maybe you should move on. Who wants to be compared to an ex constantly?

[RayKay]

Does she do this currently? Or did she stop? Is this really frequent? Have you said anything to her about it?

 

It is very classless for her to compare you to her ex, indeed. Because you are NOT her ex and you will never be her ex. You should NOT have to try to be either!

 

Next time she does it, tell her that if she misses him that much, you are going to leave so she can go back to him. Let her know it is NOT acceptable. If she does it again, then take a stand and walk.

 

 

If she feels a bit "unattractive" there are other ways to frame it to you then saying "you don't do what her ex did".

 

If she is not with you for YOU, it is not worth staying honestly.

[shep88ner]

she doesnt do it as much anymore...like, after she mentioned his arms that one night, i deffinatly let her hear about it. she's apologized and all that. but id say the past few months she hasnt really done it. i just get really cautious of it because she's in marching band and so is he. and at our school the band is what most call the "horniest group in school". and up until me, she dated primarilly within the band. and now that schools back in session i just get nervous sometimes i guess. because i do not fit the "band kid" personality at all. i was more of the preppy jocky kids. and i didnt really ever pay attention to band kids

[Dako]

I'm with RK on this.

If I got compared to the ex, I'd be livid.

[Jayar]

This one time, at band camp...

 

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

 

She's not over him, that's all. Did he break up with her? If so, she probably didn't take enough time to move on and get over him. Just remember, you can't stop someone from feeling a certain way about someone else or you... You can only look at the clues she's giving you. Which clearly state she is more into him than you.

 

You won't CHANGE that, you just have to decide for yourself whether you can accept that.

[DN]

She sounds as if she is trying to manipulate you into doing things that she wants. e.g.:

then again when we argue, and i argue back she gets all upset and once told me "i think it was because andrew would just beg me to forgive him right away and give in"

 

Don't give in to her. If necessary just give up on her.

[dogheadma]

If I were in your shoes I would feel that she was disrespectful to the relationship and not over her ex. I would request that all comparisons cease or I would walk. You don't need to spend your time and emotions on someone who's telling you they wish you were someone else.

[HellFrost666]

Was he her first serious relationship? If he was, then she might expect all relationships after him to be alike.

[shep88ner]

no...the guy she dated before him they dated for 6 months. i just think that this one was the first to actually know what he was doing in a relationship. and yes, he broke up with her on the day of their 3 month anniversary. then 2days after we met they kind of "fooled" around some on a bus ride for band. then we started dating a week later. (i did not know about this bus ride until about 4 months into our relationship)

[lost1607307474]

Comparing to ex's is just NOT ON in my opinion. It's really upsetting.

I think she needs to realise that not all relationships are alike and no guys are going to be identical.

[caro33]

Comparisons with the ex are really poor form and can sometimes indicate the person isn't over that ex. However from what you've said this just sounds like she's not aware of what poor form it is, not that she's necesasarily carrying a torch.

 

Whether it's right or wrong, she has built a model of 'best practice' in her head about what should happen in relationships, and some elements of that are based on what Andrew used to do. It's probably not about him at all, but that she remembers how nice that thing he did felt for her, and she wishes you would do the same.

 

If we are honest, surely this happens to all of us, on the odd occasion we think either consciously or inadvertedly, 'hey this [whatever] has felt better for me in the past' but a mature and considerate person just rationalises around that as 'but really, that other person was awful in such and such a way, and my current squeeze is 1000 times better at X and Y and they are the one I love now'. You don't share it. Or if you need to say anything at all you say 'I like it when you do X and Y, but I would love it if you did more of A and B as well'.

 

I would be upset too, she's being inconsiderate and she's also perhaps trying to emotionally blackmail you, as someone has already pointed out. But if this hasn't happened recently, or for a while, try to move on. I can certainly see why you'd feel a bit threatened, but I don't think her moments of 'but andrew...' necessarily mean anything more than poor choice of words.

[Survictor]

It does sound as if she has something for him, even if she isn't actively persuing him. It is quite possible though that friends would mention to the wx that she spoke of him from time to time, which is quite humiliating for you I think.

 

I think I would give her a warning that if she continually compares you to another man, then it is obvious that she believes you lack something and thereforeeee, you think it might be best if she is allowed to persue him and ask her if she wants to end your relationship.

 

She probably doesn't but just as a previous poster said, is trying to manipulate you to behave a certain way. You're You and she should be happy with that.

[need2bme]

It is very classless for her to compare you to her ex, indeed. Because you are NOT her ex and you will never be her ex. You should NOT have to try to be either!

 

Couldn't agree more. I think I would ask her about it. I would ask her to stop doing it. If she didn't, I would leave.

 

I think this is exactly how people project things on their relationships. This is part of what the girl I was dating did.

 

Why? Who the hell knows? Maybe it is a way to not have to deal with what is wrong with them.

 

Do you enjoy being compared to someone else?

[Momene]

I think the adult in us realises that most people have a past but the child in us expects our partner's exes to be better than us in every way.

 

It doesn't do well for our security.