Royal Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I ahve an ex-girlfriend. I still love her and she still loves me. We were really close to getting back together and I find out she went to a party and got drunk. She had sex with some guy but she says she doesn't remember. I believe that she doesn't remember doing it and I still wan't to go out with her. Do you think that is the right thing to do? Do you think it is possible she didn't mean to? What should I do? Link to comment
chai714 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Sounds like your feelings for her are causing you to rationalize this and excuse her wreckless behavior. She made the choice to drink and she likely made the choice to sleep with him. How did it make you feel to hear she slept with some guy while drunk? Link to comment
Royal Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 It kind of makes me want to die. Someone else told me I am talkign myself it to thinkign it's ok. I know it isn't ok but all I wanna do is be with her. I just don't know what to do. Link to comment
blender Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 That depends on how YOU feel.. ask yourself, "is it respectful and okay for you to choose to be with someone who has makes a choice to get drunk and then claim no responsibilty for thier actions and say 'oops, don't even remember it"... is this something you admire in her? Can you trust her? Are you wanting to get back together with who you "think" she is, or who she is actually "revealing herself to authentically be"? Sure we all make mistakes, but this is a "red flag" in terms of her character.. don't you think? What happens the next time she gets drunk and she's out without you there? Be careful and respectful of your own heart here, and cherish yourself enough to have the confidence and reflection on why you are considering trying to build a loving, loyal, respectful relationship with someone who claims NOT TO BE RESPONSIBLE for thier own actions... if you really think it was a 'one time" occurrence and she is truly remorseful, not only because you know about it, but because it's not something she is proud of and would never let happen again.. that is up to her to convey to you..right? Link to comment
southerngirl Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Keep in mind though when placing judgement in this situation that the two of you are not going out right now. Shes not your girlfriend. Also, one very big point to me is that she was honest with you about it. She didnt hide the fact that she did this. I personally dont think you should allow this to stop you from reconciling with her if its what your heart wants to do. Link to comment
ForAnother Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I'd just tell her "I'll go out with you again when you grow up". Drinking and getting drunk and hooking up while she has "feelings" for you... proves nothing but distrust/dishonesty/careless. If she doesn't care about herself... how do you think she could care about you. Just run IMO. -ForAnother Link to comment
Royal Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 I am extremely angry but she has been crying for like 4 hours and I truly believe she doesn't remember it. It isn't an excuse I am just wonderign if it is worth salvaging. I'm not going out with her so I don't really think that I have the right to be mad. I honestly just have no idea what to do. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Y'know, there is always the chance she was raped here, while you're all sitting there talking about how loose she is. She's not your gf, so tehnically, she hasn't done anything wrong here (assuming that she was having consentual sex), if you want to get back with her you have to decide if you can get past it. Royal, if she's had sex, and she doesn't remember it then it does sound like someone took advantage of her. Get her to the doctors for std checks and the pill if need be. If someone is going to have sex with someone who is unable to consent then it's a good assumption that they didn't care to use protection. She may also want to speak to a therapist about it. Link to comment
Royal Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 I know. I told her that drinking is stupid and it only makes you do bad things. I think if I go out with her that is all I will think about. Everytime I kiss her I will just think of some other guy. I know I have to get use to it but she was my first EVERYTHING and it just seems like some guy is violating my memories and my girlfriend. Link to comment
blender Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 Okay, for now just breathe, be kind to her, and more importantly be kind to yourself.. it's okay, if she made a mistake, and it wasn't while you two were going out.. then she has to work on this HERSELF, it has NOTHING to do with you.. this is about how she is choosing to respect herself, her heart, her body, whether it's with you or another man... She doesn't need YOUR forgiveness, she didn't do this to YOU.. she put herself in a less then respectful situation, drunk, with a stranger, no memory of it.. yuk, I'm sure she is hurting inside... and so now she needs to FORGIVE HERSELF, and learn that this "FEELING OF REMORSE" she is having, is a valuable lesson, and she can remember that her heart, mind, body, are precious and she can choose actions and behaviors that reflect the type of character she herself can be proud of... So really it has nothing to do with YOU.. this is about her feeling "okay" about herself... tell her you care about her, and would want to take "baby steps" towards dating each other again, and that she does not need YOUR forgiveness, but instead she can forgive herself, learn, and YOU can offer her your "understanding" and "encouragement" to let go of this "mistake" and "choice of behavior" and to heal by making a mature respectful choice to NOT LET this happen again.. for HER sake.. not yours.. but for HER... Link to comment
Royal Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 Am I right to be hurt by this? Do all you guys out there get bothered about the number of guys your new girlfriend or previous girlfriend has had sex with? I just don't know how to handle it. I can't get over it because I love her. It can't ever be un-done and I don't know how to handle something that can't be changed. Link to comment
ForAnother Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 I'd just listen to her... Don't reply with anything. When you say things you give her something to chew on/think about. Just say "ok, let me think about it". Then think about it. -ForAnother Link to comment
ForAnother Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 I don't care who my ex sleeps with. That is her perogative. But if we are considering re-entering our relationship... then I would consider myself "taken" until a "yes or no" is confirmed. So in your situation, I'd be hurt and rather upset/angry. I'd just avoid the whole situation. I hate "I was drunk" excuses. So although u 2 aren't "dating" you are still "thinking about it". During this gap time, you are proving yourselves to one another that you wish to be in the relationship again. By what she did... things tell me that she doesn't HONESTLY care about it. -ForAnother Link to comment
blender Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 You stated you "can't let go of this because you love her".. well then "love her" and "let this mistake of hers go".. it had NOTHING to do with you... she now has to forgive herself.. and if you think that it will continue to bother you that she might have had experience with other men when you two were broken up, well that's your EGO.. so be sure to clarify it for yourself.. you are feeling jealous, insecure, okay..so feel those things, and then decide if you have the maturity, love, and understanding to embrace that she made a mistake, she is sorry, and she wasn't your girlfriend at the time, and now if you LOVE HER.. then you hug her, tell her it's okay, and that she has to forgive herself, because this is about HER, not about YOU... does that make any sense to you? I hope it's helpful... Link to comment
Royal Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 I am talking to her on the phone. She says she doesn't remember doing any of it and she wouldn't have done that to hurt me. I just don't know how to coap with this. I wan't to die. All my memories with her are violated and I just don't see how I can get past this. I'm not even mad at her I just want to be with her. But in all good sense I can't justify it in my head. I don't know why I'm not mad but all I wan't to do is talk to her. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 Its possible she really doesnt remember it. Whoever did that took advantage of her if what she is saying is true. Just because a girl is drunk and too messed up to say 'no' doesnt mean she has said yes either! Makes me sick that some people would do that and take advantage of someone. What if this person put something in her drink? If that was the case, she may not remember it. Ever heard of date rape drugs? Roofies??? CAn cause blackouts! Link to comment
ForAnother Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 Royal, i get in those situations all the time too. I don't know what to do other than let more time pass. Just tell her "let me think some more figure it all out". And just think about it, try and get mad, try and get sad... do it all, experience it all... then come back. You are not in a position to attempt the relationship again... nor would it be a good beginning to. -ForAnother Link to comment
ForAnother Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 southerngirl, if this was an in college party... its kind of doubtful a date-rape drug was involved. Although it is a possibility... I wouldn't consider it. -ForAnother Link to comment
Royal Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 I guess when they were doing it they left the door open and a bunch of people saw. They said she got up and left and screamed she was done or something. Some girl came in and called her a wwhore for what she was doing or something. Does it ever get better? Does it ever go away. All I can think about is him violating her. This party was a little while ago so is it too late for a date rape test or something? I just wan't to believe so badly she didn't do this. Link to comment
ForAnother Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 just let it go Royal. Just relax, and smile knowing YOU haven't done this to yourself. Let her figure herself out first, then tell her to come say hi when she isn't crazy to get obliterated at a party -ForAnother Link to comment
southerngirl Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 Oh, just because it was a college party does not mean it couldnt happen. If there was alchohol then its possible. It does happen. Its not always an excuse. Royal you know her well. If this is out of character for her, hello the door was open? This guy sounds like a total jerk! She may be feeling very violated right now and disgusted with what happened. To whoever is judging her, you dont even know her... neither do I so no reason for one to presume she is being dishonest here... Link to comment
Royal Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 Have any of you ever had to get over soemthign like this? I know we weren't going out but it just feels so bad that she would do this. I just don't know how I can ever forgive her. Am I wrong for not forgiving her? Is this something that can ever be fixed? She can't take back what she did with this guy and I just don't understand. I am the most confused person right now. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 Time is going to have to pass for you to ever get past it. Others gave you good advice. This is something that she has to forgive herself for, not you. Link to comment
Royal Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 But why does she have to forgive herself. I am the only one who is hurt. I think the noly reaosn she is hurt is because it ruins her chances with me. Link to comment
Royal Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 Is it normal for me to feel like I wan't to die right now? I can't coap with this. Link to comment
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