longer to heal than the relationship!!

[shikashika]

I feel stupid even posting this!!

 

I only went out with my ex for a few months... I came on her almost right after, speculating every reason under the sun...

 

I feel bad posting this because I hear of people who have lost partners after marriage or being together 5, 10, 20 years!

 

I can't imagine the pain of that!

 

Now it has been about the same amount of time since the breakup as the time I was actually going out with him.

 

I know I will never find my answer. I tried going completely NC... I even left the country for a few weeks, I came back.

 

I don't know why getting over him is this hard... Everyone tells em things like " he was immature', " he was incapable of having a relationship", " he sounds like a loser"

 

50000 more people can tell me these things but it oesn't make a difference how I feel about it.

 

I still keep analying things in the relationship, like" but whay would he have said this or that if he really didn't like me, ..... why would he have done this, only to break up with me a few days later.

 

Since I see him sometimes at the gym I go to... I figured I wasn't going to stop seeing my other friends or stop doign whats important to me just because he might be there..

 

We've had the occasional hello and polite conversation, but I just can't believe that he doesn't give a crap about anything. Why can't I believe this?

 

I tried NC, I couldn't sleep because thats all I was thinking about. I see him briefly and say hello.. and it still sucks..

 

I was better at one point, but this past weekend I feel as bad as I did when we broke up.

 

I don't know if its just my pride thats hurting... I just can't believe he never even called me or contacted me ( not to get back together) but to apologise for how he ended things so immaturely. I see countless posts on here of exes contacting the dumped and even though they don't get back together, at least they got SOME contact of well being.

 

The only thing that my ex has said to me was when he asked what was new and I said "I got a new phone" and he said" well at least you have friends to call you... nobody calls me on my cell phone".. adn was acting lonely.

 

I honestly can't understand why, even though it was only a few months, he has no desire to even find out how I'm doing? We didn't have any big fights or cruel words slung at each other during a relationship...

 

I run into people I knew even way back in high school, people I was friends wth, and I can go and have a conversation with him.

 

I know this is bad... but I WANT to tell him how angry I am... and why he can't even comeand have a decent mature conversation with me...

 

why not, why can't he do that ?!?!?!?

 

bla, I've gone way off topic... but I don't get why this is occupying so much of my head and it hasn't got any better..

 

I am busy, I've got a new job in this time, I'm out every night of the week.

Some friends have said, " Why are you STILL thinking about him?" liek I have an answer for that.

 

if I go talk to him now and ask WHY... I will only look like a psycho... I HATE that!!!

 

why am I feeling just as bad now as I was the first week of the breakup period.... why am I still inthe denial period... when its now the same amount of time that we've been broken up as we were together??????

[nadine_3110]

How long were you together and how long have you been broken up for?Not that it matters that much, cus when you're with someone and you feel it in your heart that they care and you're important to them, it's hard when it's time to let them go. I think that if you are still hurting really badly (like if you burst out in tears suddenly, etc...) you should try your hardest not to talk to him. But if he approaches you frist, then just respond politely to his questions, but please try to not see him, maybe go to the gym at a different time than he does.

 

I know you got your heart broken and it hurts BAD, but he's gone and YOU'RE STILL HERE!!! You survived, oh my goodness, you did it. Now all you have to do is figure out that this guy missed his chance with you. And now all the other guys in the world can have a shot with you. I'm trying to give you some encouragement here, I hope it worked and made you smile a bit. Be strong and keep posting.

Good luck!

[annie24]

I think it depends on what nerves were hit during your breakup. I had a guy break up with me for another girl, and for some reason, I got over that relationship fast. But if you don't have any easy answers as to why things went downhill, you can wind up spending a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong, trying to fix things, etc...

[shikashika]

What plagues my mind is that I don't know why we broke up. he said so many things,

 

First of all he said" I think you like me more'... then after we had NC for 6 weeks, he just said "We're too different" and then it got down to things like " well my brother had a bad breakup once and a friend i of mine wss divorced at 27"

 

What also plagues my mind is that He was the one who was running after me the whole time, yet broke up with me saying that he wasn't as into me.. then he said ' of course I was into you'...then when we broke up he said things like" now you can go hook up with other guys'

 

this is what plagues me... I have no friggen idea... of course, the reality is that if he wanted me, he wouldn't have broken up with me.

It also plagues me that he was crying and so upset when he broke up with me and when he ran into me just a few weeks ago, he made it sound like he was lonely adn nobody called him... didn't win my sympathy.

 

I think a lot of people are fine with moving on or doing things without knowing the 'WHY"

 

My parents make the joke, that the first thing I said for the first two year of my lfie is "why , mummmy, why??"

 

not just in relationships but in EVERYTHING...

 

I have tried avoiding him and not talking to him, but that doesn't work.. Everyone around me agrees that I should not stop what I'm doing, w hen I did it ( at the gym ) because of one guy.

 

It may sound like a lame excuse, but i don't have too many gym options and don't have a car... I don't want to sit around getting fat because of him!!!

 

I'm angry because of the way he did it... and I just don't think that he was never into me... and how it just DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!! He WAS INTO me... We were dating about 5 months... tis hard to say the start, because we knew each other a bit and hung out a bit before we were 'dating'

[itsallgrand]

Well, you sound angry and that is a good sign. It means progress.

 

edit: posted at the same time as you answered the q!

 

Yeah, I understand the urge to go back simply to tell him off. Since you recognize that most likely is not going to accomplish anything and will cause problems for you, the next best thing is getting it out on your own.

 

This may sound really silly, but having a little role-playing session sometimes helps.

Someone or something be the ex - and you have that convo with him. Gotta get this up before it is no longer relavent..lol

 

You're going to get through this.

[shikashika]

I think it depends on what nerves were hit during your breakup. I had a guy break up with me for another girl, and for some reason, I got over that relationship fast. But if you don't have any easy answers as to why things went downhill, you can wind up spending a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong, trying to fix things, etc...

 

 

I agree Annie, I had some guy dump me because I wasn't good looking enough... I think it took me not even a week to get over him.

 

If he had dumped me, egven out of the blue as he did... but acted like he wanted out that would have been different..

 

but he was crying and sad, and even when I saw him 2 weeks ago he talked about how blah he was... eg the time he said nobody ever calls him... nobody would go to his party if he had one.

 

or only 5 days ago, he saw me at the gum, when there was about 10 peopel ther, so it was almost compeltely empty.... adn he chooses to walk right over to where I'm doign my exercises, a dn do his standing about 5 feet away... but not offering any conversation... who the heck does that?!?! if he really didn't want to talk to me there are other places even in the gym he could go to!!!

[Scout]

Shikashika, is it possible you're just refusing to accept the reasons he gave you?

[shikashika]

Shikashika, is it possible you're just refusing to accept the reasons he gave you?

 

Scout, but he changed his mind on all the reasons? how am I supposed to accept it when one minute he says becauuse" I think you like me more than I like you"... next minute he says " its not that at all!!" when I asked him about it later, after we'd done NC for about 6 weeks, he said "We're just too different' and then he said "I have no concrete reason" and now he is acting very strange ...do you think its strange for him to not talk to me, but then come stand right next to me and do his excercises in silence? or see me... walk accross the gym stand 3 feet in front of me but turn around before he says anything and walks away... or telling me that 'nobody calls him' or 'nothing is new in his life'

 

I guess I still look back to the fact he broke up with RIGHT before a trip I went on telling me that 'now I could go hook up with other people' while crying his eyes out.... ugh!

 

and, he never never never gave any indication that he didn't dig me... I dont think 100% of people who met him were wrong. EVERYONE thought he was well into the relationship.... he was the most affectionate guy I've ever met...

[shikashika]

Maybe you find he contradicts himself with his behaviour? Maybe you should just come out and ask him? I probably would...it would drive me nutso if i did not!

 

prettyview... don't you think I would sound like a psyho dwelling on the past if I brought up our relationship without speaking to him for the past 4 months??

 

I questioned this when we broke up and he just said things like " I felt I was obligated to be nice to you because you were my girlfriend' but I call bull.... he went above and beyond any ohter guy I'd met...

 

its like those people who say " I just know" (about their bf or gf)... well I felt I 'just knew' too.

 

As I said, when I spke to him about it afterwards, he said "of course I was into you... I just don't have a concrete reason and said things like "you probably won't want to talk to me now anyway"

 

So the original reason he gave, he later said that wasn't the truth anyway...

[Scout]

Well, you are saying that his words are conflicting. Just like his behavior seems to conflict. So maybe the guy's feelings just swing back and forth. In one of your first threads about him, you said he told you at the time of the break up he was never sure about his feelings for you. It seems this is a pattern for him, at least in the relationship you had, and he's just continuing to send conflicting feelings afterwards.

 

Yes, perhaps he has his moments where he second-guesses his decision.

 

But don't you want someone who is absolutely sure about how he feels for you, and sticks to it? Wouldn't it be better to be with someone that you could trust not to be wishy-washy?

 

I just don't know what answers you want, Shikashika. We really can't tell you what's going through the guy's head. All we can do is look at his actions, the primary one being that he broke up with you.

 

If you can't get past this, I suppose you could talk to him about it...but what would be different about this conversation than the last ones you two have had about this? What is it you would need to hear him say that you could accept?

[shikashika]

Nope! If he is a decent guy & he goes out of his way to be near you at the gym...considering your situation...I'd bring it up!! But that is just me. When something eats at me i need to have it clarified. If you don't think you're going to run into him anymore...DON'T.

 

If he can't give you a straight answer...ask him to work-out on the other side of the room. I mean, he knows you still have feelings SO why would he do such a thing?

 

Actually I don't know if he thinks I still have feelings.. I have been pleasant the

last couple of times I've seen him.

 

when we first broke up I was soooooo angry at him I told him he was a coward for acting the way he did and incerdibly immature and I couldn't possibly be friends with him when he acted like that.

 

then when I see him I couldn't just act like an angry child ( even though HE was the one who tossed em out like a piece of trash) because I wanted to be the mature one... I never said I would hate him... but then he gives me the 'nobody calls me' line..

 

I just thought it would be more effort going up and telling him to go somewhere else, just because he is in my vicinity at the gym

[annie24]

did you read the book, "He's just not that into you?' It's a good book. What I liked about the book was that it drums into your head, that no matter what the reasons he gives or doesn't give, the fact that he ended things instead of trying to work things out, or seek counseling, etc.... that speaks volumes about his lack of feelings for you.

 

I know it can be hard, and the tendency to overanalyze can be great, but if a guy choses to end things with me, the basic fact was "he just didn't like me enough" and that's all I need to know.

 

really, get the book. it will set you free

[shikashika]

did you read the book, "He's just not that into you?' It's a good book. What I liked about the book was that it drums into your head, that no matter what the reasons he gives or doesn't give, the fact that he ended things instead of trying to work things out, or seek counseling, etc.... that speaks volumes about his lack of feelings for you.

 

I know it can be hard, and the tendency to overanalyze can be great, but if a guy choses to end things with me, the basic fact was "he just didn't like me enough" and that's all I need to know.

 

really, get the book. it will set you free

 

thanks I read that book 2 years ago...

 

I know you mean well, but for the past 3 guys that didn't like me, why does everyone tell me to go read some book?!?!?!?

[annie24]

thanks I read that book 2 years ago...

 

I know you mean well, but for the past 3 guys that didn't like me, why does everyone tell me to go read some book?!?!?!?

 

well, because in some ways, it's kind of pointless to overanalyze. I mean, yes, you should examine your actions, deterimine if they were good or bad... but it can help you let go of your exes if you just go, "ok, they weren't that into me" and move on.

 

you really can't count on an ex to give you closure. only you can give closure to yourself. nometimes, it is easier if you walk in on them cheatin on you, because then you at least know 'why' the relationhip went downhill.

 

but many relationships are more complicated, there probably wasn't only one reason to end things, it could have been a combination of things, and you probably won't ever know the answer because exes rarely give you the 100% of their side at the end.

 

for that reason, if you can accept that he just wasn't the one for you, and move on, it can really help speed up the healing.

[shikashika]

I know I know..... I guess I thought I've tried everything under the sun to give me closure..

 

I still can't believe that he ended it. If he was a jerk-loser then yeah it would be sad... but my ex was the kind of guy who 'everyone likes' and everyone thinks he's such a great guy... I don't think he's ever had an enemy in his life... and when he broke up with me he said, "gosh... I 've never had to break up with ANYONE before until I met you!"

 

 

[annie24]

"gosh... I 've never had to break up with ANYONE before until I met you!"

 

 

 

harsh! ouch!

 

well, it seems like he is missing a bit of tact.

[shikashika]

harsh! ouch!

 

well, it seems like he is missing a bit of tact.

 

ouch is right!!

 

this is why I don't get it... he had girls in the past who left him to go back to their exes... had major body issues, smoked ( he HATED it) dint' enjoy the same activities

 

he really doesn't have much relationship experience

 

one girl left him for his BROTHER who he lived with at the time!!

 

and he breaks up with ME?!?!?!?...f or what? he woudl rather have girls who treat him like crap?!?!?!

 

I don't get it!!

[Scout]

He gave you many reasons for why he broke up with you. He said you two were different. He said he was never sure of his feelings. He said he didn't know how you would act overseas on your trip.

 

It seems you are doing everything to gain closure except to take at face value the exact reasons he gave you for the break up.

 

Honestly, this is not serving you well. You could actually learn from this, if you would be willing to take into consideration what he's told you. But it seems you are having difficulty with this.

 

Personally, I think he really did feel incompatible with you in the long run, and there was something preventing him from feeling he could give you all the details on why. Perhaps he had good reason to suspect you would lash out at him. Or, maybe it is just that he's a nice guy and didn't want to hurt your feelings any further by telling you every last single thing that bothered him about you.

 

If you really want to push for that, you could ask him flat-out. And just tell him you're not putting him on the spot, but you aren't happy with your track dating record, and maybe someone would be doing you a favor by telling you if there are areas you need to improve on. And promise him you won't get defensive, you'll simply listen and take it all to heart.

 

Will that give you closure?

[shikashika]

thanks scout..

 

I don't know what will give me closure... I asked him for a reason... I've thought of every little 'bad' thing about me.. I ask all my friends what do you think I could improve on, my family... adn they are honest.. yes he gave me many reasons, but then he said later that those weren't any of them... adn the way he acts towards me now... and the fact that it came as such a big shock.. i've always been pretty good at knowing how compatible I am with people...

 

I don't think he's a nice guy at all by not telling me everything single thing about me that bothered him... thats just being a lying coward!!! has the courage to break up with me but can't tell me why because it may make him look bad?!?! give me a break... can't dump and still expect the person to think of you (him) as a saint!!

 

Its his behaviours that I don't get.. why acting the way he does... even now...

 

I have listened to everything he told me... but to just believe everything he says is the truth??

by that logic if someone told me I was ugly and stupid, should I just believe that too??

 

I asked him that very thing when we were breaking up.. I said,

"look, you said you at least like me, then I ask you think... you say you dont' want me to be upset or greive, well the least you could do is please just give me an honest reponse as to why it didn't work... if you want me to move on with as little grievance as possible I would really appreciate it"..

 

and he said nothing

 

six seeks after, 6 weeks of NC.. we talked again, and I asked him exactly what you suggested..

I said, "I would really appreciate it if you coudl give me a straight answer. please get back to me when you can.. and he just said

 

"there is no concrete reason why I ended it'

 

this is when he went off on a tangent about how his brother had a bad breakup or his friend got divorced from his wife who stolehis money and that his friends who are married 'just knew' after 10 days... and said you should 'just know' after a couple of weeks if you want to be with that person.

 

in the very next sentence he said" it would be best if you were friends for at least a year with someone before dating them"

 

When I asked him what he wanted out of a relationship or what he thought was lacking he just said" I don't know' or gave examples of his friends relationships that worked... or relationships that didn't work.. not what HE wanted....

[shikashika]

The one message that is clear from his actions and words is that he doesn't want to be with you. I am not sure why you insist on hanging on, on needing to know all the details.

 

Perhaps nothing is wrong with you at all... maybe he's just confused or maybe there just isn't that "spark" or chemistry between you two... maybe that is what he is looking for?

 

In any case, I really don't know why it matters, since it seems clear that he doesn't want to be with you. As for the "mixed" messages at the gym or when you see him, maybe he's just lonely.

 

I KNOW he doesn't want to be with me... but I don't understand me... and thats whats driving me crazy... and why its 4 months later and I can't get it out of my head.

 

Why do people say" I don't get why you still think about it... he doesn't like you"

 

i know when I've been dumped that someone doesn't like me.... but I have no idea why!!!!

 

Why are people so surprised I want to know the details??

 

I know why I dont' like people

they could be

annoying, rude, boring, tedious etc etc..

 

and if I dump somone because I don't like them I dont' act like an idiot when I see them if I was completely comfortable with my decision

 

Why is it so hard to understand why I'm ad about it... Relationships aren't logicel math equations... although I wish they were, because then if I do things right I could get the right... or wrong answer

[Scout]

But he is not you. In fact, it is very clear he is quite different from you. And therein lies why you two probably broke up. The basic compatibility just doesn't seem to be there. You cannot stack up how others do and relate to things the way you do. We are all unique and have unique wants and desires and characteristics. Just because he is not giving you the answers you want, doesn't mean his answers aren't valid. Just because his feelings aren't the same as yours, doesn't mean they're not valid.

[annie24]

shika - haven't you ever met a guy who was good looking, nice, smart, educated, kind....but you just didn't want to be with him? maybe a few dates you didn't mind, but for whatever reason, you didn't want to wake up next to him every single day for the rest of your life?

 

I think he just didn't like you enough, and you should take that as your reason.

[shikashika]

scout, annie...and everyone else in this thread..

 

I appreciate your reponses

 

I know he doesn't like me..but I hate it...I really do... and I hate that I can't quit being upset about him after 4 months...

 

I hate the fact that he thinks he can find someone better.

 

I hate the fact that he had a look at me, and is basically saying... nope.. not good enough for me..i want something else

 

I hate the fact that everything I have to offer just doesn't stack up.

 

i hate the fact that I can't offer him something he likes...

 

I hate the fact that I was mislead to believe that he might actually like me too, considering the way he acted around me for the ENTIRE time we were dating..why coudln'the just slip up once in a while and act like he was only so-so about me..

 

if it was 3 or 4 dates maybe... but we did quite a lot together, trips away, outings, had the same kidn of laugh-about-it-until-we cry situations and those things that we could joke togetherabout.

 

and I hate the fact that there is just no chemsitry..bla!

 

maybe I shower too much and have washed away all my phermones??:

[Scout]

Well, now we're getting to the heart of the matter: you hate being rejected.

 

Welcome to the club!

 

Look, I think he obviously liked a lot about you and saw some great qualities, or else he wouldn't have dated you for several months. He did give it a shot.

 

What I think you have to understand at some point, is that people can like us very much, but that doesn't guarantee they think we're their soul mate. It's not that you aren't good enough for him, it was that ultimately, you two weren't compatible enough for each other in all the ways needed for him to pursue to the next level. That is not a personal indictment against you. It's just the way it is in the dating world as we all try to find someone we really fit with.

 

Granted, some people are too picky, and we can often be the victims of those types of relationships, too...where the other person's expectations are completely unrealistic.

 

But you WILL find someone who you fit just right with! Almost all of us will. I finally did (I think). And if it can happen for me, it definitely can - and WILL happen for you!

 

ahem, especially if you use your time wisely before then...work on areas you need to improve and make an effort to date guys you're likely to be more compatible with.

[shikashika]

thanks Scout,

 

of course I hate th rejection... who doesn't???

 

I think we had a thread like this before about me not dating guys I was compatible with..

 

I guess I feel I will be learning until the day I die... I was talking to m y mum about this recently, and although she has been married for 35 years, she says she is always learnign about herself and my parents' relationship.

 

I'm never going to be perfect, so I feel like I'll be walking on little eggshells every time I'm around a guy, trying to work on those 'imrpovements' because I may think "this is what ended it last time.. better be careful!"... but the new guy may just laugh ( whatever that is) off as one of my little quirks.... or even find it endearing

 

I guess I'll never know if somone's not compatible with me until we breakup... and I don't want that to happen... thats the hard part... how do I know who I'll be compatible with... I've been kind of picky in the past, thinking I dated people I was compatible with... but then look what happened

 

anyway, THANK YOU for your support!