longer to heal than the relationship!!

[Aschleigh]

shikashika

I know what you are going through. I was with a guy who said he loved me but his actions; not being honest with me, not working on our relationship, says he doesn't love me the way I need to be loved.

I think I'm really great and that the right guy for me with recognize this.

My ex is a good guy but not ready or not smart enough to get how amazing I am.

You really do deserve a guy who see how great you are. This guy couldn't for whatever reason. He saw some of your greatness but he just didn't get it. There will be a new guy who really gets it. Go out and find him.

[shikashika]

shikashika

I know what you are going through. I was with a guy who said he loved me but his actions; not being honest with me, not working on our relationship, says he doesn't love me the way I need to be loved.

I think I'm really great and that the right guy for me with recognize this.

My ex is a good guy but not ready or not smart enough to get how amazing I am.

You really do deserve a guy who see how great you are. This guy couldn't for whatever reason. He saw some of your greatness but he just didn't get it. There will be a new guy who really gets it. Go out and find him.

 

Thanks Aschleigh,

 

sometimes reading things like that can make me feel better... but I think its also important NOT to think I'm 'so amazing' or 'so great'.... then this can lead to false confidence and we wonder "why didn't it work out...I'm so amazing and great"... and this is why we wonder why the heck we were dumped.

 

I think when we are dumped we too are at fault for the demise of our relationship

[Scout]

sometimes reading things like that can make me feel better... but I think its also important NOT to think I'm 'so amazing' or 'so great'.... then this can lead to false confidence and we wonder "why didn't it work out...I'm so amazing and great"... and this is why we wonder why the heck we were dumped.

 

I think when we are dumped we too are at fault for the demise of our relationship

 

Agreed. And if you're having realizations like this, you really don't have to worry about walking on eggshells in every relationship you're in. It sounds to me like you're gaining a really mature view of things, and that always effects how we start to choose our partners, and how we choose to act in our relationships. Both are usually for the better. You're gonna be ok, Shika!

[shikashika]

Agreed. And if you're having realizations like this, you really don't have to worry about walking on eggshells in every relationship you're in. It sounds to me like you're gaining a really mature view of things, and that always effects how we start to choose our partners, and how we choose to act in our relationships. Both are usually for the better. You're gonna be ok, Shika!

 

Thanks Scout... I guess I never thought I was SO amazing and SO great...

 

I just worry about finding the compatible guy, which a lot of people seem to be telling me my problem is.. I can SPECULATE what I did wrong... but maybe 5 years down the line, I may find out that it wasn't one of those 1001 things I thought was the problem but something that I'd never even considered.

 

I was telling my mum about this whole saga, and she said before she emt my dad , she dated a guy who broke it off with her and she thought" is it my sarcasm, is it my moodiness, is it my neat-freak-ness and a million other things....

 

a year later she runs into him and he said " You weren't enough like my mother'

 

Bad story... but maybe all these things that I've been thinking about all my 'faults' and the have nothing whatsoever to do with the breakup.

 

Which is why I wonder if all these things I know think of us 'negative' or 'reasons for the breakup' might not be such a negative thing after all... or it could be... I dont know..

 

I guess with my most recent ex, I really really thought things were honest communicative, and felt like I was in such a 'natural' relationship... which is why I still find it hard to think "am I doing the right thin' when (if) the next one comes along!

[shikashika]

oh ... and sorry but another question..

 

I don't think i've been immature in my relationships... and probably when i'm 65 i'll look back to when i wa 40 or 35 and saw that i dealt with things as immature.

 

how am i supposed to know what was wrong? its not like HE was perfect either..

 

I realise that i'm not perfect, but i accept people for their 'faults (for lack of a better word)... and i'm never going to be perfect... i'm sure that in any future relationship there will be times when i'm in a bad mood, could have handled things better or was rude....or whatever reason,

 

i guess i still don't understand why the little things i did CAUSED a breakup... rather than someone telling me what bothers them..

 

i guess i see so many friends of mine with problems in a relationship... but they get dumped over it...

[Scout]

i'm sure that in any future relationship there will be times when i'm in a bad mood, could have handled things better or was rude....or whatever reason,

 

i guess i still don't understand why the little things i did CAUSED a breakup... rather than someone telling me what bothers them..

 

All I can tell you is that what I used to view as "little things" in how I handled my moods and communication, now that I look back, I can see why they drove certain people away.

 

My current boyfriend and I, as you know, have reconciled after a two-month break-up. Previously, I had yelled and raised my voice when I was upset. Or, I irritably snapped out snippy comments. I simply cannot ever do that again. It really freaks him out and he feels attacked. So, I've made a promise to myself I never will again. Ever. If I'm mad as hell, even, I will walk away, busy myself with something until the worst of the angry energy is channeled elsewhere more productively, and only then will I attempt to communicate my feelings.

 

My point is what you view as little, someone else may view as major. It's important to learn the fine of art of putting ourselves in someone else's shoes, as it's the only way to learn how to empathetically communicate and behave.

[shikashika]

Good point, but everyone has things that drive me crazy.. but i dont' dump then over it..... my ex hadthings about him that drove me nuts... but i wasn't going to break up with him... I used to get annoyed by them.

 

i know that somethings i think of are no big deal, someone else may think of as a deal-breaker.

 

At least you know what you did 'wrong' i can think of a million things, many of which may not be the reason at all... i really have no idea... because the things i may THINK are the reasons, may not have been what bothered him .

 

some people love Sarcasm... some people dont' appreciate it at all... i LOVE it, i like a very dry sense of humour, other people hate it and find it offensive.

 

did your ex give you that as the 'reason' for the breakup"?

 

I really have no idea... that is why i don't really know what to do for next time... i could be holding back on acting 'who i am', when for the new guy he would like that about me... or it could be the reason for ALl my breakups... i have no idea....

[Scout]

That wasn't the reason per sec, which I don't want to get into details about. But because I had raised my voice or even yelled in the past, it made him less inclined to want to work through the eventual incident that occurred, which was somewhat related to me losing control of my emotions.

[shikashika]

That wasn't the reason per sec, which I don't want to get into details about. But because I had raised my voice or even yelled in the past, it made him less inclined to want to work through the eventual incident that occurred, which was somewhat related to me losing control of my emotions.

 

sorry, wasn't trying to make you give details....

 

I guess like i've said a million times, i can GUESS what the reasons are, but i may be so far of the mark.

 

i'm glad you were able to assess what the 'problem' was, how to work with it and are now better off for it!

[PAL06]

I think I've been in a similar situation to you where I never really could work out why my ex dumped me twice.... the reason she gave was because I came accross as a nervous bundle... I've given up trying to think of reasons why and accepted it.... I just put it down to the fact that she is very immature when it came to relationships and although she is 30 she still has a very romantic view of a 'perfect' relationship.... there was no element of trying to see passed these faults I may have....

 

I think deep down I don't think she was ready to settle down, where as I was.... I know that the split really had nothing to do with me but her.... and her romantic view of love which will leave her disappointed... it definetly sounds like the reason has nowt to do with you whatsoever.....

[Scout]

I think I've been in a similar situation to you where I never really could work out why my ex dumped me twice.... the reason she gave was because I came accross as a nervous bundle... I've given up trying to think of reasons why and accepted it.... I just put it down to the fact that she is very immature when it came to relationships and although she is 30 she still has a very romantic view of a 'perfect' relationship.... there was no element of trying to see passed these faults I may have....

 

I think deep down I don't think she was ready to settle down, where as I was.... I know that the split really had nothing to do with me but her.... and her romantic view of love which will leave her disappointed... it definetly sounds like the reason has nowt to do with you whatsoever.....

 

But....maybe there was something to the reason she actually gave you. If she saw you as a nervous bundle, that could have meant she thought you were overly intense, unpredicable, and it made her feel uncomfortable. One wants to feel comfortable with their partners.

 

I think some of us make a big mistake by dismissing what our exes try to give as their reasons. Sure, some of the reasons might not be the exact truth, but there's usually some truth to what they tell us, and if convince ourselves we had NOTHING to do with the break up, I don't think we're serving ourselves well. No one is perfect, no one.

[PAL06]

But....maybe there was something to the reason she actually gave you. If she saw you as a nervous bundle, that could have meant she thought you were overly intense, unpredicable, and it made her feel uncomfortable. One wants to feel comfortable with their partners.

 

I agree to some extent with that, but the conserquences you have given weren't the case ... we were very comfortable together.. I didn't say that the other reason was down to an imbalance in our lives where she is Miss Independent and feels the need to be out every night, whereas I'm quite happy stopping in more often.... as I said in our case it was just down to being in different palces i our lives and ok proabably a fault on my part I came accross as much to keen... that she may have found uncomfortable.....

 

As she obviously just thought that 'Mr Perfect' does exist and was happy to spend more time looking.... she may find him.... but I'd be very surprised if the grass is greener as I know how good we were together...

 

... it's down to very romantic expectations some people have in my opinion in todays modern society (this doesn't only apply to relationships) or whether they are ready to settle for something that is very very good, but may be not the perfect expectation they have.

[shikashika]

Hey PALO6,

 

I , like you, find it hard to believe' what went wrong.

 

as i've said, I think when we are dumped, its a good idea to do a bit of self-analysis.

 

which i've done to death ](*,)

 

but, i guess what bothers me, is that my ex probably thinks it was all my fault.

 

As you've said with your ex, i know my ex seemed to believe relationships should be a sparkly bowl of cherries with happy fairies waving their magic wands the entire time.

 

one thing he said to me (was this a warning sign??) was..

 

"You shouldn't have to work too hard at relationships... they should just happen naturally"

 

hmnnn.. i dont' know anyone , even in the most loved-up full of splendour relationship that hasn't had to work at it....

 

it sounds like your ex doesn't wantto have to put any effort in.. she just wants it to 'happen'

 

this is how i felt with my ex...

 

sure, there were things that lead to the breakup, due to ME, but i think because he had only had ONE relationship in his entire life and hadn't had one for 7 years before he met me, i dont' know if he knew what he was looking for.

 

yes, i'm still making excuses for him

 

i do believe i contributed to the breakup.... i guess i feel that he should feel he contributed to it as well.

 

i feel like i've had to make a lot of effort to move on, assess what went 'wrong' but i doubt he is doing the same thing.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Shika,

If I may chime in here:

I know exactly why me and my ex broke up. BUT that does NOT make it any easier to get over the break-up. Why? Because *I* am not letting myself get over the break-up ...

 

I hope you don't think I am attacking you (excuse me in advance if this appears to be the case. It is not my intention at all) but I have highlighted above what, to *me* (and I acknowledge I may be off base), appears to be the issue.

 

To *me*, it seems as though it is NOT so much that you don't know his specific reasons for the breakup.

To *me* it seems as though you're more upset bc he will NOT acknowledge his part in the breakup.

You speculate that he is placing the bulk of the blame on you.

But if you analyze HIS reasons for breaking up w/ you, you can locate some of his contribution to the break-up.

 

I don't think you're trying to make excuses for him above; again, in *my* opinion (and admittedly I may be wrong), you are trying to identify his contribution to the demise of your relationship (i.e. due to his lack of experience in relationships, he did not know how to successfully be in one).

 

So maybe you can ask yourself this: could it be that what's bothering you is that you feel like he's placing all the blame of the break up on you when you feel like he contributed to the break up just as much?

 

So as long as he acknowledges his part in the breakup, you perhaps would not care so much to delve into his reasons for breaking up w/ you?

 

Just my two cents worth ....

[Scout]

Ellie raises some good points. I would only add...how do you know he isn't actually acknowledging his contribution to the break up? Perhaps he's given it thought, and perhaps he even said a few things to you at the time of the break up regarding this. And how would he know you if you are/or aren't acknowledging your contribution, for that matter?

 

Since neither of you are mind-readers, I'm not sure how either of you would be able to figure out the answer to this question.

[Ellie2006]

And I just wanted to add: just as it take two people to be in a relationship, it usually takes two people to break it up ...

Even though he may not acknowledge it, there cannot be a way that he did NOT contribute to the ending of your relationship ...

But does it really matter if he acknowledges his fault or not?

[shikashika]

Hi Ellie,

 

I know i did something and I know he did something to contribute towards the breakup.

 

I think my pride hurts too.... and the fact that HE dumped ME.. ugh!

 

Maybe he feels bad about it... I don't know... he has certainly been miserable playing his 'woe is me' violin when I see him.

 

I know, I know, i'm just making assumptions, .... that is what is SEEMS like to me..... just like it SEEMED to him that we weren't a good match... and our own perception is our reality, so we are both right and wrong... if that makes any sense.

 

maybe because when I see him i'm happy and bubbly and say "yeah things are great with me!!! went to an awesome party this weekend, bought a brand new snowboard!! yeah!!" he may think i'm all happy and over it... when people on here know, and a few friends and family know I'm not!

 

i know it takes two to break it.... i just wish he'd even wanted to put a little effort into making it work.... although i really liked him, i felt i had to put a bit of effort in , even in the first few months of dating.... and i felt he didn't even try at all, when the magic sparkly fairy of lust left, so did he..

 

maybe it was a huge effort for him to even date me, who knows.... i still don't see it but maybe one day i will..

[Ellie2006]

Hey Shika,

 

First off, hugs to you ...

I know how you feel... I wish my ex had put more effort into making things work w/ me too ...

But what can I do now? I can't change what's already happened. I've just accepted the fact that you really can't make your heart feel what it doesn't feel ... and the fact is that he was not feeling me, y'know?

 

I can only take comfort in the fact that *I* did all that I possibly could do and IMO, that's all that anyone can ask for, really ...

 

Hey, I read some of your other posts and you sound like a wonderful, intelligent, outgoing person with a lot to offer. So please don't be so down on yourself, okay?

 

Shika, to be honest with you, I don't have any magic answers to make you feel better ... If I knew, I would be over my ex too already!

 

How does that saying go: Fake it until you make it?? I guess it's all about tricking (?) ourselves into believing that we're okay. And reminding ourselves that who we are as a person cannot and should not be determined by one guy's inability to recognize our worth as gfs or as good people, y'know?

 

Let's hang in there together, Shika!

 

Best wishes to you ...

[finewhine]

Shika - I think I see a recurrent thread in these posts - you're blaming yourself. QUIT IT.

 

When I was a little girl, my beloved grandpa would hold me on his knee and say, "There's nobody better on this earth than you." He would make me repeat it. He'd say, "Who's the best?" And I'd have to answer, "Me!"

 

This sounds really silly (and it was awfully sweet of him), but you really do have to think this way. I know that we can't blunder through relationships hurting people and acting like jerks and such, but it seems to me that you're a thoughtful, respectful person who did all she could.

 

At some point, you have to stop analyzing yourself to death and just accept yourself for who you are. Once you take this tack, no relationship can crush your self-esteem again.

 

I think there's some wisdom in what your ex was saying about relationships being "natural." E.G., your only obligation is to be a good person and the rest should fall into place.

 

In other words, DON'T beat yourself up, lady! His loss, his loss, etc. Once you believe there's nobody bettter than you, you'll see the wisdom in that.

[Juha]

Shika, you come up with posts that hit home for many people...

 

One thing that I have not seen said yet is... He seemed to be at least somewhat immature, especially when it came to relationships (according to you) He seems to not be very good at picking women until you...

 

I would say that maybe he thinks you are to good for him and he does not deserve you... Anyway why dwell on him when talking to him again about the relationship would probably give you more things to be confused about...

 

I have been in a similar situation and still have never talked with the ex..

SHe ran away from me, would not talk to me about the relationship then told me she would talk when she was ready... A year and a half later guess she still is not ready, lol...

 

So let the anger out, especially at the gym...I would work out and when I did I would think of her and that would push my workouts...

[pirateabc]

shikashika,

 

you should actually be a little relieved that you know for a fact that your ex just doesnt have feelings for you anymore. you can face reality a lot easier than some situation where the dumper still has some feelings for the dumpee and it just ends in more heartache.

 

You said that you arent getting any solace in the fact that your ex doesnt really contact you now...but let me tell you this is actually a HUGE BLESSING in disguise. all the ex contacting the dumpee does is prolong the heartache. I'm not just saying this, ive been through it, i dated a girl for 4 months...it lasted for almost a year after we broke up...she would contact me... talk to me on the phone.. ask me to hangout..tell her friend that she hoped we could work it out..tell me to come visit.. flirt with me..go crazy when i tried ignoring her...then i wouldnt hear from her for a few weeks...it killed me cause i still liked her and told her that more than once post-breakup...and we never got back together, it ended up destroying me inside and i spent a HUGE amount of time analyzing things to death and blaming myself for not showing her 'that i changed' or some crazy crap to make her realize she wanted me back. the silly, sad hope i had (cause she still contacted me, even tho i told her not to) all came crashing down when i heard she had slept with a kid in my group of friends (all the while asking me to hang out in the process). now its a year (!) later from the breakup and im finally coming out of it.

 

So maybe what im trying to say is you're actually quite lucky. You can start healing now rather than later. Use this as an opportunity to make the changes you want to make within yourself (if you feel there were certain qualities that helped ruin the relationships) and do your best to put it behind you. I cant help you with the overanalyzing part beacuse i do the same thing, but i really would suggest changing gyms or avoiding him as much as possible.