being single

[Caterina]

The past few days have been hard because I've wrestled with loneliness. But I've had some time to look around at all the people I know in relationships. They have to constantly compromise. They bicker. If one makes a mistake, the other suffers. They have to worry about someone else. They don't wonder about a future because a lot of it is solidified. I live a life where any turn could come. Lots of things could happen, and its exciting. If I make a mistake, no one but me suffers. I'm not unhappy with someone and they're not making me unhappy. Being unhappy alone is not near as bad as being unhappy with someone else.

 

I don't have to deal with a guy who doesn't understand me, I don't have to constantly explain myself or ask him to explain himself. I don't have to put up with trying to please someone who won't be pleased. Or put up with someone who is overly pleased by me but doesn't really know who I am. I don't have to figure out why I'm always picking out crappy men. I don't have to think that I have this pattern of being in bad relationships. Why? Because I'm not in one.

 

I don't have to always wonder "what else is out there" and feel dissatisfied that I will never know. Because I have the oppurtunity to go and see....nothing ties me down. Its a nice feeling to know that being single has a lot of perks to it...

[Survictor]

Being single is not an affliction. Glad you are enjoying it. I did too.

[Caterina]

Its amazing how some of the things you wouldn''t have originially chosen turn out for the best. I mean, I guess I had the choice of guys that I didn't really want...but the guys who gave me situations where feelings were unrequited...in the end that turned out for the best to.

[Batya33]

It is lovely to be single - but all the more lovelier if you enjoy it in a positive sense, not because you view relationships as so negative. Same thing for those who are in relationships (like me) - I won't value my relationship "because" there are negatives to being single.

 

Yes, relationships are about compromise. Why is it worth it to me? Because my goal - still mostly elusive, unfortunately - is to build a happy and stable life and family with a partner. I am not willing to create a child unless it is in the context of a stable loving marriage - I believe that is the minimum the child deserves.

 

Just like being single, with relationships you can see the cup as half full or half empty. Yes, my boyfriend sometimes does things that embarrass me, or vice versa - it means that even if am really tired, I have to check in with him once in the evening to let him know I got home safely and to say goodnight. It means that when his parents aren't feeling well or need his assistance, we have to change or delay our plans, and vice versa.

 

But even with those "negatives" I remind myself that it's very nice to have someone I care about to check in with, that it's nice to be reminded - when I need reminding - to be other-centered instead of self-centered. It's one of the reasons I work with homeless children a few times a month.

 

Also, the challenge is to find a relationship that lets you maintain your independence because that is what your partner wants for you, and vice versa. So, he understands how I like to have my space when I eat breakfast by the computer in the morning (we're talking pre-coffee!) and I understand his need to spend one on one time with certain friends and colleagues.

 

Compromise with another person often makes you see your own flaws very clearly. Sometimes that is enlightening, other times upsetting as in "I didn't know I could be that stubborn/rigid, etc. But it does help with growth, this I know.

 

What I liked about being single? Well, sure, the "you never know who you're going to meet" (we are exclusive but frankly I still love never knowing who I am going to meet - in a platonic sense - I get a kick out of that too!). As far as the freedom to do whatever "i want" - yes that is nice, and on the other side it is nice to know you have plans with your SO and it is fun to plan with someone else.

 

So, I choose singledom over an unhealthy relationship any day but I no longer will stay in a relationship based on "fear of being alone." (I did that in my teens and early 20s from what I remember).

[annie24]

There are some things I love about being single too. I bought my own home, and decorated it to my tastes. The process was easier because all my decisions were about me, no one else. I can take off on big vacations without having to ask someone if it is ok. It's kind of nice that I DON'T have to compromise right now, I can do what I want and take whatever job I want, anywhere in the world. Nothing is keeping me tied down.

 

I don't know - Maybe this freedom will be dull one day but for now things are pretty good!

[bikjj]

Hey, I guess being single aint so bad then. I keep feeling i ought to be in a relationship, and people wanna know why im single. This can make me feel unhappy especially when they say you're getting on abit.

 

I have had a couple of very controlling, manipulative and abusive relationships but now I am enjoying the "you never know who you're going to meet" bit. I probably prefer the single life at the moment because dont you just hate people who try to play the teasing and mind games - you know i fancy you and then go flippidy flip flop on you or cold turkey

[Batya33]

Why not respond

 

So, how much do you weigh again?

 

How's your sex life going? Multiple orgasms yet?

 

When are you going to have a child/another child/get a face lift, etc

 

or "how did you feel when you were asked that when you were single?"

[lollipop3]

I really admire the way you feel now. I've had one boyfriend for many years and no others besides him. It's been a little over a month since we broke up and I really wish I felt the way you do, and I hope one say I will

[quietgrl]

I've alway been single all my life so i can't compare singlehood with couplehood but i love being single because i don't have to answer to no one but myself and my chihuahua.

[Caterina]

Wow,thanks all of you for all the interesting thoughts!

 

Batya, it was really nice hearing from you...I liked your insights/bits of wisdom. I think I struggle a lot with the fear of being alone right now, like you did in your twenties. I'm not really against relationships...its easier for me to weigh the advantages/disadvantages of situations sometimes to cope with my surroundings. To me, looking at the negatives of what I could be in versus what I am in are a way of seeing the positive since I'm always out to find the best situation for myself that i can manage achieving.

 

Bikjj, you sound like a very nice guy. Don't settle for the first girl that comes along. Try to find a nice girl, also...get into your interests and enjoy being single...it will probably make you more attractive to women as a result!

[Batya33]

Hi Caterina - of course, whatever works for you. For me when I tried to rationalize the negatives of relationships it didn't resonate with me or help me feel happier about being single. But that's just me. Also I am in a different place than you - I had years of partying, dating countless men, being single with my single girlfriends - had so much fun (and I never got drunk, tried an illegal drug or had casual sex) - but at this stage although I do have several single friends I have no interest in the singles activities I used to like - club med, going to dance clubs (some famous ones!), singles weekends, singles religious activities.

 

All the best to you.

[Juliana]

I had periods when I was single and feeling great. Actually, being happy isn't about whether or not you're in a relationship, it's about how you feel about yourself, and how you are relating with other people. I remember one Christmas in particular I spent completely alone where I was very happy, opened my one gift (from family), and watched Scrooge on my portable black and white tv...and was happy.

 

If you're moving forward in your life, taking it one day at a time and accomplishing the most you can at any given time, I think you have every right to enjoy your life and not call it "rationalizing." Each time in your life, no matter how challenging, contributes to who you choose to become. No stage is necessarily more valuable than the others.

[Caterina]

I agree that no stage is more valuable then others. I was thinking about the extreme need/significance my generation and I put on finding a romantic partner. I was content as a child and as a child you don't have romantic partners...it can still be the same later...just because you blossom sexually doesn't make the wonderful poetic living of life more special. When I'm old, whether I have someone or not shouldn't matter if I am at peace and one with nature and God and myself. I should always strive to better what is around me and that is how I will find peace...not whether or not I am in a relationship.

[Juliana]

I think it's helpful to remember that Christ said there is no marriage in heaven. I can't believe that's because people in heaven do not love enough. Being in a married state is not the be-all and end-all of giving or receiving love, and certainly not the fulfillment of everyone's life. You are a unique and valuable person just as you are, and God sees you that way.

[Batya33]

I agree that no stage is more valuable then others. I was thinking about the extreme need/significance my generation and I put on finding a romantic partner. I was content as a child and as a child you don't have romantic partners...it can still be the same later...just because you blossom sexually doesn't make the wonderful poetic living of life more special. When I'm old, whether I have someone or not shouldn't matter if I am at peace and one with nature and God and myself. I should always strive to better what is around me and that is how I will find peace...not whether or not I am in a relationship.

 

Yes- there are many "shoulds" as in "I should want to find a partner" or "I should be content to be at peace with myself" etc. My advice - get rid of the "should" and the abstractions and get to the core of precisely what you want - not in abstract terms either. Such as "I want ___ career and I want at least two children but want to live near a city." I find that the more abstract people get in what they want, the less they are willing to face what they truly want - the abstractions help them to avoid it. Same with "shoulds." Look, I "should" be content with being a successful career woman living in the middle of one of the best cities in the world. I "should" be content with being healthy, having parents who care about me, being reasonably attractive, etc. I don't live by "shoulds" because it has little to do with listening to my true wants and deciding whether they are gettable or whether I really need those things.

[glegend]

They say "Enjoy Single Life" 'cause once your taken then everything changes. I enjoyed life while I was single but after I got bored of being single and once I started dating my girlfriend then I was happy. And I'll tell you I'm still in love with her today. I look at my friends they are enjoying single life of course they would love to have a girlfriend but they know they are not missing much since me and my girl are with them alot. All I can say is if you are enjoying life while you are single then thats good. Also once your taken its nothing special only means you have a boyfriend/girlfriend your still the same person.