Open relationship...maybe?

[Linda19pr]

I've been on a long distance relation for almost 5 years with and Indian guy. On these 5 years we've met 4 times, and in total lived together for

3 months this year when I went to Brunei (where he was working) to visit. He said he wants to get married next year and bring me to his country for the wedding and for me to convert to Hinduism and later make the arrangement for him to move to the USA, if possible. My dilemma is that now that I've returned from those 3 months, he's been

acting weird telling me that is okay for me to kiss and fondle other guys as long as there is not penetration. I asked him if he wants an open relationship but he said that I'm not allow to have sex, but I can do other things like "make out". I'm really sad, because after all these years he is saying I can go and do all this things with other guys. He is always saying he loves me very much, but now I have doubts about it. I need your opinions, what do you think? Should I dumb him now before is too late or what? I'll appreciate your comments.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

did you ask him if he's been fooling around with other women?

[Linda19pr]

Thanks for the welcome!

 

Well, once when I was super drunk suggested (as a joke) that now that we are going to be apart again, he should go out with other girls to gain some experience, but later when he commented back to me I told him I was just kidding. Sometimes, when we talk on the phone or chat he tells me that he will take my word and do it, and when I’m very mad, he will say he is just kidding. Almost everyday he asked me if I went out with someone and what happen, he said that as long as I talk about it then is okay. It’s a bit annoying and I feel like breaking up, but it’s been so long and we’ve made so many plans, I really don’t know what to do.

[annie24]

why don't you just talk to him openly, something like, "I am devoted to our relationship as we have plans to marry. I am not interested in other men, and if I were, I wouldn't be planning to marry you."

 

do you think maybe he has been seeing some women casually, and his way of alleviating guilt is to suggest you do the same?

[HellFrost666]

I have known a few people who have tried the whole open relationship thing. From what I have seen it never works out. Just be warned and be careful if you decide to try it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it really sounds like he may be considering seeing other people himself and is testing that out with you... i.e., if you do it, then it must be OK if HE does it too... long distance relationships are really hard to begin with, and you also have cultural issues to work through as well, such as him wanting you to convert to another religion to please him.

 

regardless of the amount of time you have already invested in the relationship, if you have only met 4 times in 5 years, you really haven't spent much time together, and who knows what he has been doing during that long times you are not together. and it is never a good idea to just go through with plans because you have invested time in them... it would cause MUCH more upheaval if you did go ahead and marry him, and he expected to be able to continue to date other women etc., or the cultural differences proved too much, or you discovered he only married you for a green card, and has another 'true' love lurking in the sidelines waiting until after he has obtained legal immigration status waiting period and can divorce you and stay a citizen and bring her over later as his new wife... i have heard of this happening to lots of american women, so please be VERY careful about marrying a man from another country who is showing interest in immigration, AND in being able to fool around with someone else at the same time he is talking about marrying you.... (same of course applies to men who are contemplating bringing women into the country for marriage...)

 

so until you really investigate this or spend more time face to face with him, i would not suggest marrying him or agreeing to an open relationship. you also might tell him that if he is considering dating other women, it is best for you both to break up and see how it goes with other people, and if you really miss each other, you can find ways to be in the same country BEFORE a marriage to get to really know one another before taking that big step...

[Linda19pr]

I’ve never thought of the immigration factor and green card. That’s a new possibility for me to investigate further; after reading this post, lots of things makes so much sense; his constant calls asking me to check about ways I can bring him here with a fiancé visa for instance. I’m not saying that’s his motive, but I don’t know, I thought I knew him so well. Even thought we didn’t meet for a long time, we talked all the time and email each other every single day. I just cannot believe that someone would go thru so much to get

a green card, all the emotional aspect of a so called relationship. He calls me his best friend, the one he wants to spend old age with, I’m really sad now. I feel like confronting him, but that’s not a good idea, I will take your suggestion. Thanks everybody for your opinions.