Stupid Argument with b/f over women

[hope123]

he once told me it should only be every few months or something..i really dont know what planet he is from--and it really confirms the fact that he hasnt been in many long term relationships..2 including me and is not a kid like 23 or 27. No conflict whatsoever for months and months really just shows convience and a short term thing to me personally--ever hear the saying not caring enough to fight with you? or the couple is pretty much made for one another and they see eye to eye on mostly everything.

[caro33]

Yes but hope, if the fights are always about the same background issue, and he can't see a way to fix things, it might be getting too much.

 

There are fights about silly things like who didn't do their chores, who assumed the other would call and didn't make the effort, who said something rude to the other person's mother, who is taking far too many calls from the ex. These can be unrelated to one another and do not relate necessarily more to one person than the other.

 

But if the fights are all one person criticising the other for their tone, or their absense, or their friends or phone habits etc and the gist of each issue comes down to the same thing, something big like:

 

"If you really loved me you'd do what I want you to do"

 

or

 

"I don't trust you under most circumstances"

 

there is a much bigger problem. It is possible that that is what he is getting at?

[Scout]

It does seem there is a little more going on here. I didn't catch the first part of your post where you said he never compliments you. And if you two are having friction every couple of weeks, that's actually rather frequent, especially if you've had more than one or two "Don't want to talk to each other for days" fights on top of that.

 

Are you two really compatible? Might want to be something you give serious consideration to.

[hope123]

No--not all the issues are related to just one thing...sometimes but not always..and when i thought about what just happened...i really actually believe if he complimented me more on a daily basis..and then i heard him say she was cute..i actually believe it would have just rolled off my back and i would have dropped it then saying whatever...but the fact that i rarely ever hear, you look good tonight, or you look cute...i dont wanna hear him pick out some sleezy girl in leather and calling her cute and saying she has a pretty face.

 

I think thats the frustrating part and the main thing of whats going on here.

[Scout]

What do you get out of this relationship, then? You two have regular conflict and you say he never compliments you. What is it that is making you stay with him?

[hope123]

There are good things too. But conflict of course would arise when i dont get compliments but some sleezy bartender gets called cute or a pretty face by my b/f. It took me til today to figure out why it got me soo angry..and i really believe if he complimented me more--i wouldnt have reacted so much to that.

 

I guess i need to tell him this but apart doesnt wanna call him. I tried last nite--and he ignored my call and wrote he doesnt wanna talk, i will talk to you tomorrow. So frustration is big with me right now.

[caro33]

I don't know how to say this without sounding really critical, but hope, do you realise how defensive and unwilling to accept blame you sound?

 

Yes, perhaps he should compliment you more, but you should also be trying to make him feel good about himself too. The way you wrote about how you don't compliment him because he thinks he's hot already just sounded...well, sorry but it sounded really lacking in generosity.

 

Perhaps he should also not have called the girl 'cute' from your perspective, but it sounded like you then helped inflame the situation where perhaps it just didn't need to get like that. Do you think about these things in this way at all, do you think 'oh perhaps I could have handled that better?'.

 

You can address these issues more constructively, and in a way that ultimately serves you better. Being open to what he's saying to you about trusting him and doing your part would perhaps help things a lot. So much of what we ending up talking about with your posts are about the failings of your boyfriend and how he doesn't do 'X' the way you want him to, and then you seek validation from us that you are the one in the right. I have asked you to try and see things from his perspective, so that even if you don't agree with him it will help you to engage with him better on these issues.

 

For example, he says 'there's too much conflict for me' and your response to what he's saying is 'that's ridiculous, he has unrealistic expectations about conflict'. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but the message he is sending to you is 'listen to me, I will end this if we can't improve this issue'. So if you want this relationship to last, you should be trying to understand what he is saying so you can respond to it.

 

I really would not talk about any of these issues with him again until you have worked out an approach that takes his concerns into account as well as reflecting your own concerns. You also should try and articulate to yourself, and then to him, what it is EXACTLY that you are looking for from him. Not based on what he should have done before, or his failings, but what you need to hear from him from here on, and what you need to see him doing. And you really must be prepared to do the same for him. And perhaps this needs to be accross all the main sources of conflict, not just each one as it arises. What do you think?

[hope123]

Yes i agree--probably could have handled it better. And i do want a decrease in conflcts. But it took me a night to realize why i was sooo mad and why i reacted the way i did.

 

How would you feel if you have only received a handful of compliments in a year and a half and then hear your b/f say she was cute after you say she was disgusting. And you asking in disbelief how is she cute? And then he tells u what do u want me to say then, she is unbelievably hot?

That right there gets me angry when i think about it. He does not compliment me but is so quick to point this out. I really can guarantee if i was complimented by him more--i wouldnt have responded this way. He has a right to his thoughts on what he saw. But I need to tell him next time--if you are not going to change how often you compliment me, don't make a comment about the cute barmaid. It's frustrating and somewhat annoying to hear when i hardly ever get those words from you.

 

And sorry--i can not continue complimenting someone if it does seem to be feeding their ego. This goes for anyone. Giving a compliment i dont think is meant to be generous. I think its supposed to be b/c u noticed something about them u like and u express it and that person appreciates the comment. He did not appreciate the comment with his response.

 

As of yet, we have not talked on the phone.

[caro33]

How would you feel if you have only received a handful of compliments in a year and a half and then hear your b/f say she was cute after you say she was disgusting. And you asking in disbelief how is she cute? And then he tells u what do u want me to say then, she is unbelievably hot?

 

I would probably feel a little disgruntled also, I do get what you are saying. But he may well have just been a little thoughtless, he might have been trying to get a rise out of you. He might have seriously thought he doesn't need to compliment you because 'he's with you isn't he' - some people are like that too. I guess I would feel the frustration, then have a think about why the conflict on that issue happened and what might have been motivating him. Your initial reaction from the start of this thread has tended to assume the worst, that is, he's saying to you 'I'd sleep with her'. That may well not have been his intent or even his perspective. Think about it in the terms of a non-threatening issue - you see a cat in the window of a petstore and you think it's creepy and hairless and has bug eyes, and you say so. He then says actually he thinks it's cute. It's a statement of taste, that's all. I do think the progression into 'so you want me to say she's hot then' from him was probably because you made this into an issue for him and he was putting you in your place.

 

Anyway, let's just agree that it was a silly series of events and it made you feel bad, it probably made him feel bad, and that you guys just need to get past this and learn from it. Hope, seriously, so you really think that your boyfriend complimenting you more would have made you immune to him commenting on the barmaid? I am not so sure. Even if you absolutely believe this, you do need to be more explicit with him about what you need to hear - the chances are 'you need to compliment me more' isn't going to mean much to him if he's not wired that way to start with. You will need to give him explicit examples and real guidance about what you need to hear. You then need to be prepared to accept that if he starts saying what he thinks you need to hear that he might not be saying nice things for what you believe are the 'right' reasons. It will take some time to be natural.

 

And I disagree that you don't have to return the favour. You are in a relationship with this man. If you see something you like in him, tell him. Not many other people will, you are the one who is supposed to love him and find him sexy. He needs to hear why you like him as much as you need to hear from him why he likes you. Holding back because you don't want to feed his ego is fair enough SOMETIMES (yes you don't want them getting too full of themselves ) but to not give compliments at all does seem small and petty and not at all within the spirit of a happy relationship.

 

Furthermore, it makes you much less able to 'compete', if you know what I mean, against those potential REAL threats who WILL compliment your man and make him feel good. This is the real world. People like being with people who make them feel good.

[hope123]

I really need advice.

 

He called and we talked but started arguing again b/c i told him what i felt..TheN he brought up that issue of me saying oh you shouldnt be turning ur head to the left when in the car if its a girl. (For those of you who read my post) He started saying i look at everything but if its a girl i must be checking her out. I said you are rationalizing your behavior b/c you are not looking at an old man crossing the street or a construction worker the same way as a girl crossing and i said its not right when i am there next to you. He basically just said whatever and he disagrees and has caught me doing the same. I can pretty much guarantee if this is true--its not nearly as frequent as him turning his head in the car to the left when driving.

 

I feel its very disrespectful when i am there and if its a girl and there is a more subtle way to look. He doesnt like do a 360 but he does turn his head..and i gave it a lot of time before i spoke up b/c at first i thought it was me but then the feeling never went away and i had to say something. I still stand by that its rude if its a girl. A glance once in awhile but every girl who passes by is another and to justify it by saying well i look at everyone so its ok seems immature..i hope someone agrees with me on this...i started to get really upset and told him i had to go.

[annie24]

Have you ever read the Mars and Venus books? if not, you should. they have very good tips on communicating with your partner.

[hope123]

Maybe i will but for right now--he brought up something i said awhile ago bothered me..How is justified that b/c he looks at everyone else when driving--when its a girl it doesnt count as checking them out. I don't feel thats an excuse. Does anyone else? Like i said he doesnt do a 360 but when driving he is turning his head to his left...and its not the same as looking at an old man. It cant be compared when you are looking at a person of the opposite sex and ur g/f is sitting right there holding ur hand.

[caro33]

hope, it seems that 'advice' to you means active agreement that what you have already done is right. Or perhaps there's someone else you would like 'advice' from because I feel that I, and we, go to some effort to give you real advice and it gets ignored.

 

Look, I know you don't like people bringing up your past posts but I can't see any way around it. This sort of stuff seems to happen constantly, where he does something that you think indicates disrespect or a lack of commitment to you, you get upset with him, it some how gets paved over, then the next example of his disrespect or lack of commitment to you starts up. Can't you see the issues here are bigger? And now it's HIM raising this stuff with you because he is starting to get sick of it.

 

I really don't think that arguing about him turning his head, or the degrees to which it's turned etc is the way to go. What we keep coming back to in your threads is that while you seek black and white 'proof' that you are right and he is wrong, we cannot give that to you. It's a combination of us not being there to see it, that we are not really able to see how big an issue this is, and also we all have different views on what is appropriate. It's also because the fact is there is no right and wrong on most of these matters, it's just about how it makes you feel and what you do to improve the situation.

 

Once again, I ask you, what would it take for him to be everything you want him to be? Can you articulate what that would look like? Do you think in your heart of hearts that he can be that man? If the answer to that last question is 'maybe not', then please just move on. You guys are just not compatible enough and need a chance to be happy elsewhere.

 

I'm sorry you're upset, I really am, but aren't you sick of these doubts? Do you honestly think you could not be happy with any other man (or by yourself?) It just doesn't seem worth it. Relationships should be fun and not riddled with worry that the other person is using you, or lying to you, or looking elsewhere etc.

[RayKay]

I agree with caro's last post.

 

As much as you are trying to keep the thread issues separate, they really are all part of the same issue and that is the insecurities and dynamics between you two.

 

And yes, if you really DO want this to work out you need to stop trying to figure out whom is right and whom is wrong, and work together MUTUALLY to solve issues, even if means that you aren't RIGHT! Relationships are not about whom wins what argument, or the most fights, or whatever. And if you do have that attitude about it, resentment WILL grow, and conflict WILL increase, and someone will have enough eventually and realize that is not what a healthy respectful relationship is all about.

 

I can't say if this relationship can be turned around or not, it seems there is a lot of long term resentment and negativity by now, and maybe you just aren't compatible, but you do have to really figure out whether you are fighting against him, or wanting to work in partnership WITH him on it.

[hope123]

There is not much to work with when it comes to some issues. He wants less conflict--i can see that and have been trying to do better and to avoid certain problems. It definitely wasn't like it was. But when it comes to turning your heard to look at girls and saying i look at everyone so its ok--its not an excuse. And the only way to work with him on that is for him NOT to do it when i am around. Do it as much as you want when i am not there.

 

And when it comes to hearing him talk about an attractive girl--i don't want to hear it if he can't compliment me more. Like i said if he had complimented me more--i really dont think this would have happened. Either way--yes the situation could have been handled better.

 

Sometimes it is about working together, but when it comes to what a person needs to feel respected--sometimes it can't be like that.

[caro33]

Okay hope, so we find ourselves in the same situation we always find ourselves with one of your threads - there is that usual lifecycle that is all too recognisable.

 

I am asking you seriously, and I mean no offence, but what do you get out of posting on this forum? Because I can't help but think that we are just not making a connection here, not in this thread and not in any of the many previous ones about the various concerns you have had. We all talk past you, and you past us; I find myself at the end too weary to bother continuing because it feels like banging my head against a brick wall. (But for some reason I try to break through the next time you start a thread.)

 

What is going on here? Are you absorbing what we're saying? If you do not agree with our advice then why do you seem to value our opinions by coming back? What can we do to break through this, how can we better meet your needs?

 

It would seem to me that you continue to post in the hope that someone just says 'hey girl, you're right, he's cheating, he's a dirtbag', and we generally don't because the things you post about are not black and white, and because we have no way of knowing. We always end up with a combo of 'this doesn't sound like fun/you need to reassess this relationship/you have trust issues/talk to him/perhaps you're not compatible'.

 

Why do you need to hear that he's disrespectful or untrustworthy so much, and why do you not think that the fact you feel like that generally is the real problem? Am I wrong?

 

Oh well, I don't really expect an answer. See you on your next thread.