I think I may have scared off a friend?

[bsp_kjm]

This is long, please bare with me...

 

Months back when my ex left me, I decided to take the money I had been saving for a wedding ring and treat myself to something nice. Im really really into cars so I decided to get my car a new motor - a performance motor at that. it was something I had always wanted but never got because my ex believed it to be a waste of $$$ and felt I should save it towards our future together. In a way, buying this motor was a way of me saying "F U" to the ex.

 

Problem with the purchase of this motor was I didnt entirely know how to completely install it. I could do the basic stuff, but needed help with a couple things I didnt entirely understand. I'm a part of a couple auto enthusiast forums and one guy that I met through the site offered to help me with the engine swap, completely free, since he had the same swap. Ive know the guy through one of the websites for about 3 years, met him about half a dozen times in person, once or twice on the phone, chatted with him many more times online. Really nice guy, my age, really smart guy when it comes to cars, lots of the same interests, always hit me up to hang out. Overall good guy. He had also met my ex on several occasions and they talked online a couple times. Anyhoos, he said if I drove the 4 hours to his home, he'd help with the install free of charge. Couldn't pass that up.

 

So I got a day off from work, stuffed the motor in the back of the car, and made the drive to the guy's place. Im about 2 hours into the drive and he gives me a call to let me know that apparently a surprise party got thrown at his house, but to come anyways because the motor swap wouldnt take very long anyhoos and afterwards we could party it up. I let him know that its no big deal if he cant do the motor swap that day and he said it was no problem at all.

 

So I get to his place, and we let the car cool down for about an hour before tearing out the old motor. We BS a bit, go grab something to eat, come back and start wrenching away at getting that motor out.

 

To make this short and avoid details, we came accross problems with getting the new motor in. We had to do some custom work to get it in, and the guy said it was a bad idea to do this. After 6 hours of trying other methods to get it in, the guy suggested putting the old motor back in since we both had work the next morning and I still had a 4 hour drive home to make. I was beyond frustrated at this point and my heart dropped when he said that. Throughout the whole project, his friends from the party kept coming in and out of the garage, asking when he was gonna join the party. I felt terrible about this. I admit that I become very very frustrated when it comes to stuff like this. So we began putting the old motor back in and came accross more problems. What was supposed to be a 3 hour project turned into a 14 hour project.

 

We were both tired, frustrated, and I was really down about it. In the process of putting the old motor in, we broke a really expensive part and I guess it hit the wrong nerve because I started cussing and grabbed a rubber mallet and hit the valve cover on the old engine a couple times, letting out some built up rage, I suppose. In my burst of anger, I blurted out, "Gawd man, Ive always wanted to do this engine swap and never did cuz of my ex, then i finally get it and waited forever to get this motor in and now it all went wrong and we're stuck here trying to put this goddamn car back together. why cant i just do something nice for myself once and have nothing go wrong with it? i just wanted to do this to help cheer up my spirits over losing my ex!"

 

The guy just stares at me like this backs off a bit, and says, "man... you'll be ok." I felt so pathetic letting that all out in front of a guy I barely know...

 

Anyways, we finish up getting the old motor in and I drive the car (which is running like crap now) straight to work (which I barely made it to). He's calling me every couple hours, asking me how the cars runnin, apologizing like crazy for not being able to get the engine in. I tell him its all good, not to worry about it, none of it was his fault, that I really appreciated his help and time and the such. I even sent him a huge email thanking him and apologizing for my outburst of anger/frustration/sorrow that he witnessed.

 

Flash forward a couple days and I find myself with a day off. I decide to tackle this project myself after researching the problem we encountered the first time. Fast forward 8 hours later and I have the motor in and running like a champ. I couldnt believe I had figured out the problem and done the install myself. I called up the guy and let him know I got the motor in. He was quite happy to hear. And that was the last time I heard from him.

 

After that, he began ignoring my messages through the website and my emails. He'd post a thread and I'd post in it and hed ignore my post. I learned through some mutual friends that live near me and he'd be in the area and would visit them but not even let me know he was in the area.

 

So its been like that for the last couple months and I'm just really a bit hurt about it. I mean hey, I'm posting a thread here about it. I think I may have freaked him out when I blurted out that stuff about my ex. I've asked the mutual friends if he's ever said anything about me and they said no. Guess I scared off a potential friend

[robowarrior]

Its not about the ex thing you blurted out, he's afraid of you, that you are angry with him for ruining your car like that. It was inconvienent timing, and well to be quite honest i don't think he feels that he can cooperate with you anymore, so that's why he's just dropping it.

 

Just send him an e-mail, with the title: no hard feelings , then write how he doesn't have to be scared, or frightened of you, and that you don't really care about that thing what happened, that you let it go completely and tell him that he doesn't have to tell you why he's been ignoring all your messages. Then say something like , sand over it, im happy as can be with my car and still enjoy your insight into the whole thing.

 

If it indeed comes to a reconsiliation, be sure that you actually do enjoy his insight, otherwhise reconsilidation should be out of the question if your not going to like what he's going to suggest or do to your car in the future.

[bsp_kjm]

thanks for the reply, robo...

 

thing is, is i did send him an email couple weeks back telling him i wasnt mad at him or anything. the engine install was NOT his fault AT ALL and I let him know this. it was the design of a mount that needed to be ground down and a part of the block had to be modified. i stressed to him that there were no hard feelings and i really appreciated his help and insight. still no reply though...

 

guess ya cant win everyone?

[madcar52]

I'll share with you what someone shared with me...let it go. It hurts, it's frustrating..but if they don't want to discuss the real reason why he is avoiding you, you can't make him and I actually think by trying too hard to mend it, it makes it even weirder because it's those exact kind of confrontations that make them uncomfortable in the first place.

[bsp_kjm]

I'll share with you what someone shared with me...let it go.

yeah, thats what i decided to do. thanks for the reply...

[Don_Eduardo]

Hi, sounds like you're hurting pretty bad over this. Try not to take it to heart. Have you tried phoning him? Email and MSN are good but there's nothing like a good phone call to set things straight.

 

When you do eventually reach him on the phone, by all means talk about where you think you may have scared him off, just don't suddenly lay it on the line. Approach the sensitive subject tactfully and respectfully, while also being mindful not to 'rob' him of any of his experience. In other words, don't change the focus of the subject by relating what he is saying back to yourself. Yes, by adding a personal flavour this is a good way for you to understand what he is saying, although it may be best just to keep these thoughts in the back of your mind to better allow the topic at hand run its course. However, don't pretend even for one second that by staying relatively neutral you're being altruistic, this is reconciliation here after all. Okay all the best. Hope all goes well with your friend.

[bsp_kjm]

thanks Don... i tried the call but just got voicemail, which he never returned. if i do get a hold of him, ill keep in mind what you have written. thanks for your time