I feel like my world is crumbling--please help!

[shellie12345]

Please help---I can't deal

 

I posted a message a few days ago and had some great advice given to me. however, I am afraind that I am in need of some more

I will explain my situation again.

I am in love with the guy I have dated for almost 4 years. We were eachothers first loves and best friends. However, when we entered University our first year we began fighting and decided to break up. I wanted to get back together and for almost a year he kept telling me he did not know. I waited out of love for him and he decided that he wanted to try again. However, after a couple of months of seeing eachother he decided that he could not love me the same anymore. I am finding this so hard to deal with because I know that we can be so good together. We know all of the mistakes we made in the past and if we both wanted to it could be perfect. I know I cannot force him and I can't show him what it would be like unless he opens his heart and lets me. So I am trying to accept the fact that we are not together but for the first time it is actually real. It is so hard because he is my best friend and we talked everyday. We belong to the same group of friends and I see him everytime we go out. Also he goes to the same University as me so I see him all the time. I want to be with him so badly but it kills me to see him. I am so hurt that he would let me go after all I have done for him and after all that I know I can give him if he would let me. I just don't know how to deal with this. I am losing my lover, best friend, and a life that i loved so much. I am so scared that he will start dating someone else when I still feel this way, I don't know how I could handle that. I am also scared that if I try to date again I will never find someone that I like as much as him. How do I deal???

[mermayd]

I hooe that my reply doesnt come off as harsh in any way. I do not mean for it to, I only feel that the truth and honesty are what need to be favored here. And as we all know, the truth often hurts.

 

I know you love and care deeply for this man and will do anything to be with him again. Please consider WHY you two broke up in the first place. There is a reason and often that reason never leaves in the future which makes getting back together difficult. If you see everything is fine and wonderful with him now, maybe he is having a problem getting back together with you because something about you has not changed. This doesnt in any way mean you should change yourself! You are who you are and you should love every part of you! As ideal as you would like this relationship to be, maybe it is just not meant to happen.

It is so very difficult to accept a truth that hurts, but maybe it is time or you to accept that the relationship will not be what it once was.

 

You do not have to lose a best friend or a life you once loved so dear. Sit down and talk with him and tell him how much you care about him AS A PERSON and that you can handle not being together in a relationship but you still would like for him to be in your life. He may not be ready for this right away but if you show you are serious and are there for him when he wouldnt expect you to be, things may turn around for you. Just dont pressure him or constantly talk to him about it. Tell him once or twice, and then leave the ball in his court.

Meanwhile, I would like to see you concentrate on yourself and try to build up your confidence and esteem. YOU make yourself complete. No one else can do this. Cherish who you are.

[massinova]

This is a very touchy subject. Many people go thru this type of situation and I agree it is very hard. I myself had a relationship of 3 years just fall apart about two months ago. And I was basically in the same position as you. I wanted nothing more to be back with her, and if only she would open her heart I could show her everything (the world)....

 

But, in my situation, this girl is very stubborn and selfish, and so after having everyone (even her friends) telling me how badly she was treating me, I just finally let go. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I had to convince myself it was for the better. I didn't want to start dating again because I felt that I would only have feelings for my ex, and that would be no fair to anyone else. But, because my ex basically went out and started dating someone else 2 weeks after she left... I just told myself I was going to try, and I just happen to get very lucky and found someone that I feel very strongly for... and we connected instantly.

 

Now, I don't know your situation, because I don't know you, but like you said, you can't make him love you or anything like that. And thats what's hard to think about. I believe that things happen for reasons, and we are meant to learn thru these experiences. Although they cause pain and heartache, no matter how badly your heart hurts it will keep beating...

 

I don't want to be like, "just give up on him." Because that was the last thing I wanted to hear myself. But sometimes you have to let go in order to see the world and see if it was meant to be. Take the quote, "If you love something, you sometimes have to let it go; but if it comes back to you, its yours to keep forever." And sometimes, when you do let go, you will find out later, that it was for the better. And, you will be more happy in the future. As for dating others, thats just something personal for you. Do it only if it feels right to you.

 

I hope some of this helps... I would be willing to give you more advice, or just to talk if you need that. Because I feel the only thing anyone can do for anyone else that actually means something, is to be there for them in times of need.

[shellie12345]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I have all my friends to talk to but none of them have ever been through anything close to this. I agree with everything you all have told me but I just thought I would ask a few more things. I truly believe that if something is meant to be it will be and that is helping me a lot to get through this. I know that I need to let him go and if he was meant for me he will eventually be with me again. I am just having so much trouble dealing with seeing him all the time. And when we are out at bars and I see him talking to other girls it makes me so upset. I was never the jealous type and it frustrates me so much but I just can't ignore my feelings. I try to hide it but inside it is killing me. How do I deal with him being around? And when will the hurting stop?

[massinova]

I know the feeling of jealousy very well... Having/knowing the ex is talking to, or even worse, dating someone else will always cause jealousy. I have dealt with this one big time. Its like the others have said, though, it's part of the healing process. It's not wrong to be jealous, it's human nature.

 

Now, on the matter of having him around all the time... that is a tricky situation. You might want to just talk to him. Like mermayd43 said, just tell him you care for him as a person, but tell him how you are feeling being around him all the time. Tell him it is very hard for you. Get his input on the situation. And, unless he is a complete A-hole (which I doubt he is, otherwise you wouldn't want him back) then he will understand how you are feeling and should respect these feelings. Maybe you can work something out where you don't have to hang around in the same area all the time.

 

All problems in life, in my opinion, are best solved thru communication. If you communicate with each other, things should work out for the best. That doesn't mean you will get back together, it just means, things should work out to where everyone, in the end, is ok and happy.

[katana]

The trouble/or/beauty of love is that it is a two way street. If it doesn't exist coming your way, then it's unlikely you can deliver it.

 

What I can tell you that is - it ALWAYS gets better. As bad as things got before in my life, I am grateful for those thorns...because just having broke up recently - I am truly proud of myself and how I [for once] represented my own dignity and self-respect and CHOSE!!! to not be with someone...for many reasons similar to your situation.

 

The worse you feel now, the better your life will be because of it - pretty corny, huh?! - but it's true. So my advice is to feel every lousy, stinkin' emotion you are feeling and really, really embrace it - get in tune with it. It proves you are Alive!!!! and Living!!! and wanting to Live!!!!! life. The object of this is to become "affectionately detached" to you guy. Love him, keep loving him - but just feel how good it feels to love someone - not how much you will miss him. It proves!!!!!!!!!!!! you are capable. [many people cannot love].

 

As for the guy who cannot see what it is that he will miss in his life [how you feel about him, what you could show him, where you two could be together] - he's likely not in-tune enough to appreciate you. Maybe he's just not ready for true feelings pointed towards him.

 

Now - there is a secret I want to share with you - people always seem to want what they cannot have....so let's assume you can wait this guy out and try and win him back.

 

What he needs to see from you is that you are happy, living, productive and smiling, laughing and totally content. It could be the biggest lie you have to live, but that's what's going to a) heal you and b) give both of you another chance. Ex-ex, especially, are attacted to folks that "move on". Trust me - he'll call, but when you have moved on. There - you will be in a very strong position to decide what to do.

 

Why will you heal? Because you are going to practice what it feels like to be happy - you don't have to be, but try and experiment with your mind on what it WILL feel like once you are happy. This is called "visualization". When people set goals in their heads or on paper, they almost always achieve them.

 

Why will this give both of you another chance? Believe it or not, everyone around you senses your "crumbling world". And people - instinctively - run from disasters. No one is going to run to you to save you - not your friend and most certainly not the possibly-the-best-guy-you'll-ever-meet. Postive attracts positive. Smiles attract smiles.

 

Do NOT - give up ANY aspect of your life...mutual friends or not...protect your life as if you are the only one that is living it [right about now, you are living for "him"]. Your dignity and self-respect are worth more than ALL the men in the world and then some.

 

We all come out of these storms just fine - no matter how much we love, loved or miss the connection with other people - sometimes our Ex-es are just too dense to see the light - it takes time for them.

 

If you can love and want as much as you say you do towards this guy - I can tell you that there are plenty of us out here that appreciate it and seek it and know when we see it. And there is nothing better than being appreciated for what we offer...

 

Write again if you need to..

 

S.

[massinova]

First of all... Let me just say, I could not have said it better...

Katana just hit the nail on the head.... So perfectly said!

 

 

Now - there is a secret I want to share with you - people always seem to want what they cannot have....so let's assume you can wait this guy out and try and win him back.

 

I love this about people. Because sometimes it comes back to bite them in the rear. I did basically what Katana said, made myself happy, just by lying to myself for a while, but as time went on, I actually began to BE happy. Then when I found the girl I am with currently, I WAS very happy. And then I come to find out my ex is very jealous and upset. hehe

 

This happens all the time. You make yourself out to be happy, and then finally become very happy, and they may end up coming back. And like Katana said, you will be much stronger when/if this happens. And, whow knows, by that time, you ay not even want your ex back.

 

This is how life works. Its weird and unexplainable, but we keep on living.

[Genesis]

I feel very sorry for you b/c I went through the same thing when I was your age. When I was 18 I broke up with my high school sweetheart and it hurt me so bad. He had cheated on me ( kissed some whore) with a girl. Well we were together for almost 4 years and it was over when we both went to College.

 

I thank God, that we did not go to the same school b/c I would have kicked the little bitches ass if I ever came within ten feet of her! Anyway, I felt like he was my one and only, he was the only man that I would ever love, but I knew that I had to get over it! We tried to work things out, but the long distance thing at two different schools was not going to work. 4 years later we still keep in touch but we both know that romance is not in our future. I think the best way for you to get over him is to avoid him. You can still speak to him if you bump into him somewhere or send him a birthday card but try to avoid him! Until you heal from this it is not healthy to be buddy, buddy with him right now. Do not call him or write to him, if he does come back you must make him miss you. If you see him at the bar just go to another bar. All of my ex's live in a different state or city, so thank you Jesus that I do not have to see their ugly mugs again. This is just a part of life we will all go through. You have to move on and try not to think about him. That is what I did and now I really do not think about him at all! It took me about 1 year to be able to give my heart to another man with out having him in the back of my mind, but you have friends and a famliy that will help you get through this.

 

Just let him go, He will date again he will have sex with other women that is something that you know will eventually happen. If you tell yourself that it is time to move on, it will help you alot. If I can make it, I know you can! I just got out of another 4 year relationship and my ex of 4 years ago is a thought of the past! Good Luck! YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN

[shellie12345]

Thank you guys so much!

 

I have never heard such good advice before. I will truly listen to what you guys have told me. I think I can be happy even if I have to pretend sometimes. Some days I feel fine like when I have all my friends around me and I am not thinking about it, it really comes and goes though. But when I feel o.k I know that deep down inside things will end up fine. I can't thank you all enough though you were such big helps! I am going out tonight and I know he will be there but your advise will help me through the night!

 

Thanks

shellie

[massinova]

Thank you guys so much!

I am glad we could be there for you. Go have a good time... and be happy

I always like to say, "You can't feel down with a smile on your face!" ;-)

[LuckyDuck]

shellie12345,

 

Your first love is always the most difficult to let go of. Since you are each other's first love, you both have a special bond together that no one can replace. Right now, he is in college, there will be more girls for him to meet. I know what I tell you will hurt you but you should start thinking and preparing for the "what if". You will be seeing him alot at school. Right now, if you still love him, let him be and be there as a friend. College life will bring many tough times and he will always turn to someone he feels comfort with most. It should be you. You had fours years with him, use that to your advantage. Be there for him as a friend. (man, I wish I can listen to my own advice) I know it is tough to be friends with someone you love so much and see them with another person. But that is the highest chance to maybe get him back in the future. You have an advantage over other girls already. Support him.

I wish you the best of luck shellie12345

[shellie12345]

Hi again everyone,

 

I can't thank you all enough for all the advice. A few more problems have come about though. Last night I went out with my friends and he was there. I really did not want him to be there because I was feeling so much better and then as soon as I saw him and talked to him all the hurt started to pour back in. I can't keep doing this, I need to go out and have fun with my friends but he is always there! I wanted to act normal around him like nothing was wrong. I was having fun and I did do that for most of the night but it left me feeling worse than better. I felt so fake and like I wanted to run out of the bar crying !

I could be myself and have fun with all my other friends and he noticed that and even asked me why I was having so much fun with everyone else but him--what do you think that means? I told him that OBVIOUSLY he and I are different from everyone else there. But I really did not want to get into it with him there so I dropped the subject immediately. I want him to see that I am happy and don't care---but I just suck at doing it. Can any of you give me some tips on how to do that? I try and try but he knows me so well that he sees right through it. I can never lie to him so how the heck do I do this? It is so frustrating because I want to do it so badly. But everytime we start talking I can't pretend anymore. I know he knows that I am hurting all I want is to make him think that Iam happy without him.

There is another problem that I should probably explain. When we were "trying" these past couple months I could not totally be myself because I was constantly worried that he would tell me no (like he did before) and break my heart (which he ended up doing). I tried to let loose and have fun with him but that fact overshadowed all of our time together. He knows this too and I told him that he never got the chance to see the person I have become. I know I have changed since we broke up and I know it is for the better but I have not had the chance to show him that. He told me he wanted to stop trying because it was going nowhere and basically we both do not know how I can actually be myself around him. I know that there is no way he could fall in love with me if the real me is hidden inside. I just want to show him that I am so worth loving without actually telling him or deciding that with him--how do I do that?

I know this is confusing and may sound crazy but I thought that if someone could relate to me then it is worth posting up.

 

SOrry for rambling on

Thank you for listening!

Shellie

[katana]

Hey hey... I think you are getting this!!!!!! Great work on going out last night. Most people withdraw and go into hibernation until they get out of this.

 

Just your words and sentences you wrote sound intelligent and non-rambling. Your thoughts are clear and concise and you are not rambling at all.

 

Listen up, girl - you're not "lying" internally so than no one knows what you are going through. You do not need to "hide" anything. We want him and everyone around you to know that you are suffering internally but are "strong" and "willing" and "capable" to lift yourself up and start running AGAIN!!! - not "helpless" and "feable" and "woe-is-me" stuff. Brush the dirt off your knees and start running - full speed.

 

The FACT that he noticed you and talked with you AND asked you questions [related to himself] is a great sign of interest-level from him to you. Maybe even more interest level now. Again, most people tend to separate and not talk and forget the other...

 

BUT!!! forget about him, please. Everything you asked is "how can I behave whatever way" with him around. That is not the point here - it's how can you behave and contain yourself around YOURSELF. This really has nothing to do with external items [him included]. You fix this aspect of your life and you will be richer for it in this and every other relationship you might have.

 

I am truly amazed that you took the words written to you and worked with it - and were of sound-mind to respond with new inquiries.

 

How do YOU feel about yourself? What did you like about last night? About you? About your friends? Do you recognize that from your first message to the last that you have managed to take control of your own world? Do you see the possibilities? I am asking because I want to know...

 

Alas, turning back to you, I cannot help but hear that even you have a problem being "something or someway" while you were with him. As I do not know what that is - could it be that you are/were jealous, insecure, walking-on-eggshells, looking for "his" acceptance? Those things take a toll on both people and cause both you and he to cause the next step - which is separation [at least for a bit]. What we are doing with any advice we can give you is working on YOU and ONLY YOU - so you can really be 100% yourself in a [any] relationship - that's what YOU deserve. And if you can get that, everyone can be happy too.

 

I'll repeat - your interaction with your friend was just the start of making your life EVEN BETTER than it was in the past. Lay low, play low, make your interactions with him more "happen-stance" than planned out. You shouldn't know [right now] if he is going to be there or not - so don't make it a point to find out. If you find out, say "great, I get to see him - looking forward to it".

 

Also, you do not need to hide anything from anybody - we want him to know your feelings for your-sake and his-sake. No drama - don't use it against him. Tell him [iF HE ASKS] without asking anything in return - as if it were a fact. You seek a way to successfully "lie" - we were not suggesting that literally only to help you visualize [practice] happiness - I suggest that you become the worst lair the world has ever seen. Don't think about this stuff - you suck at lying - great!!! use it to your advantage. He will see and he will come around.... but so will a dozen other choices... [the benefit and curse of fixing yourself...].

 

Well done Shellie12345..... don't let up.... think and "visualize" exactly what you wish to happen and your entire being will make it so - with him, without him - any which way you wish. It is magic what we are so capable of enduring and evolving into... enjoy the moment.

 

S.

[Genesis]

I would just avoid him for right now until you heal, what you are saying is all about you trying to get him back! He must come to you for it to work out. Move on and let him go. Who cares what he says about how you are acting around him!

 

Stay away from him for two weeks. Do not talk to him, avoid him like the plague!!!!!!

[shellie12345]

you have all made me feel so much better. I am certain that I will be okay. I am just trying to deal with the fact that he may eventually want to be with someone else. Right now that is the only thing that worries me. I have no clue how I would even begin to deal with that. Right now I am trying my best to just focus on me--I just think about that a lot. I guess it is inevitable---how have you all dealt with that reality?? I have never been faced with this before seeing as he was my first love.

[Genesis]

I dealt with it by keeping myself busy going to church praying for the strenght to get over this mess! I also started to date and make new friends. I told myself that he will date have sex and do every nasty thing under the sun to some other slut, but there is nothing i can do about it! I just dreamed about my dream guy which was not him.

[mfurb33]

Hey girl...

Man, emotions of the heart sometimes stink, don't they? Trust me, I know it all too well. My girl and I split up after 3 great years. My best friend, my love...the person that couldn't wait to marry me told me it was done, and I haven't heard a word from her since. (Which has been about a month or so.) She left for her senior year at college 2 weeks ago....when I told people this, they all said, "Well, that'll be easier for you." I thought, "How could that be easier!? She's gonna' be up at school, not thinking about me, around other guys, drinking, etc..." But after reading about your encounters with your ex, I think the people telling me that it would be easier for me were right! lol....Well, I can't tell you anything that someone else hasn't already said on how to deal with this. Stay away from him. Don't talk to him. Choose a different place to go out if you know he's going to be there! As sad as it is, you have to tune this person out in order for you to heal. Everytime you see him, you may fill with hope that tonight, he's gonna' come accross the club, wrap his arms around you and tell you how much he loves you!...lol...well, maybe not, but you know what I mean! Enough about that though, I'll address your latest post, cause I've been going throught the same things.

 

Ahhhhh, the dreaded thought that your ex may hook up with someone else. Just makes the pit of your stomach churn and churn, doesn't it? I mean, after all, you don't want anyone else ever again, right? This guy is the last person you ever want to date/kiss/sleep with for the rest of your life, right?! WRONG! You have to remember that your ego has taken a serious blow....and your confidence is more than shaken. And the idea of him with someone else would be the nail in the coffin. How could he kiss anyone else but me? How could he have feelings for anyone else but me? Well, because that's just how it works. And until you distance yourself away from him, it's gonna' be tough to get past the point of being so scared about him being with someone else...and start saying to yourself, "Who will I fall in love with next!!" It's exciting to think about! But, like I said, it just takes time and patience to let yourself heal from what's happening. There is no easy way around this. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “Mind over Matter”? Well, that’s what it is. When you start catching yourself thinking about your ex hooking up with someone else, you just have to stop yourself. Think about something else…tell yourself that really, it’s none of your business if he does or not. Cause, the harsh reality is, it’s not. What you two had is (sadly) over, and it’s gonna’ take some time and a lot of pain to realize that. Trust me, I’m nowhere near ‘healed’ from my break-up, I still have a lot of sad days, but you have 2 ways to deal with it. Be sad and miserable days on end with no hope, or be happy that you had that relationship, learn from it and live your life. At first when my girl and I broke up, everything I did with my friends or family just sucked! Cause all I wanted to do was be with her….now, those same things are starting to be so much fun again. And trust me, this wasn’t a ‘high school type fling’ that me and my girl had. I’m 25 years old, and we were going to be moving in and getting engaged within 9 months time. But I can’t stop my life because she chose to leave it. (And by the way, I had a dream about her last night talking about dating some other guy, and it hurt!) But I’m just pointing the reality out that those feelings aren't going to stop at a snap of a finger. Those thoughts aren’t just going to disappear one day. It’s a process…a long, hard process that your mind and body goes through. You have to realize and accept that…then you’ll figure out how to be happy again on your own. I promise! You can message me anytime….It’s sometimes easier when you talk to someone who’s going through the same things…take care Shellie12345!!!

[shellie12345]

Thank you all once again for all the replies. I guess I could keep asking more and more questions as my emotions keep jumping up and down. I know that I am gonna have to find my own way to deal with every thought and question that runs through my head. I just feel like I can't just let go. Like I still think I can get him back or something. I know deep down inside that if he wants me back he will come on his own but I just feel like I need to keep trying. How do I just let go? One day I am fine and feel like I wil be o.k and then days like today I am the total opposite. I feel like calling him up and begging him to reconsider--or trying to show him that he is wrong. How can I stop myself from doing that during these hopeless times? I have no one here to distract me and all my friends are busy. It is a battle against myself I am so scared that I will call him and make things even worse. How do I stop myself?!

[mfurb33]

It's just a matter of your own will power, Shellie! Think about the days when you feel great...you have no urge to call or try and 'fix' things. You're happy, you're confident...you know you're gonna' be o.k....Well, on those bad days and those weak moments, you just have to tell yourself, "Hey, I'm gonna' have moments like this. But as time goes by, I'm gonna' have more and more good days, and I just got to get through this bad one." Like I said before, bad days, bad thoughts, and overwhelming feelings to reach out to your ex are GOING to happen, and they're going to happen a lot. And that's part of the process of letting go. So, in reality, when you think that you're hopeless and down in the dumps, you're actually getting better! Cause you said yourself, you have good days along with the bad! So you are healing! Just resist with allllll you can to do something that you'll regret, like calling him and pouring out your feelings when you know it's not going to change anything...it'll make you feel worse than you do already, trust me on that one. Nobody can tell you how to stop these thoughts, you just have to find the strength to do it yourself. And that strength is in there...it's time for you to find it!

[katana]

This is really for everyone but Shellie brings up a great point...

 

What do we do with those feelings of missing someone and wanting them back and "knowing" we could be happy together if we "just tried".

 

Most everyone responds with "fight it", "mind over matter", "strength"...do without...

 

I think I disagree. So let's try something in the theoretical world - first see if it works in our minds before we actually try it out.

 

Shellie, I would suggest to you to call your ex [yes, we are calling him your ex now] if you feel you need to discuss something or try and win him back or whatever you wish would happen....but with the understanding that you expect NOTHING in return. NO DEALS, NO EXPECTATIONS, NOTHING.

 

I contend that the bigger, better, wiser person in the relationship can and does do this today [trust me, I'm not that person yet]. Especially in those relationships that I have seen break up but the principals were not so shatterred afterwards - I kept asking myself why they were that way and I was always broken-hearted. I think the common theme was that they keep talking to each other about everything and slowly ween themselves off the dependency of the other

 

I also think that the person that does the calling - probably feels so much self-embarrassment and I guess humility that they see how their thinking and feeling is so out of place for the person they chase in their minds - that they finally get that the relationship is OVER and maybe the other person just doesn't see or care to have the "initiator/caller" anymore.

 

I suppose this is along the lines of CONFRONTING your feelings head on and seeing what becomes of it - instead of the common response - run, hide, ignore, do without. I think that advice messes/has-messed us all up.... I'm ready to try something different, there's got to be a better way to part-ways which is as natural an act as breathing for us humans.

 

Just wondering outloud. What about your thoughts??? Shellie, wait for responses to this before actually trying it out. Maybe someone out there has done this...

[mfurb33]

There's definitely many ways to go about this, and I don't agree/disagree with anything that anyone has said, cause it all boils down to what the individual wants to do....but I must speak up on one comment that was made in the last post. That would be "- instead of the common response - run, hide, ignore, do without. " When those of us in this situation choose the path of cutting contact from a person who initiated a break up, this is not running from it, it is not hiding from the pain, it is not ignoring something that is there and we're too hurt to face....it's called "getting on with your life." When you're heartbroken and 'dumped', you don't see things the way that they truly are. You see through a distorted vision through your heart. You don't see when someone is hanging you on a string with little lines to keep you there, in case what they want doesn't work out or they need a 'booty call'....you don't see how you're being used and torn apart emotionally while the other person does whatever they want, and you're left waiting, putting your life on hold for (9 times out of 10) NOTHING. Cutting contact is not cowardly act. It is not running, nor hiding...it's about having respect for yourself and taking your life and happiness back from someone who, if they truly wanted to be with you, would be with you.

[Genesis]

I do not understand what you are saying. Call your ex until you ween yourself off of them? what do you do to get over this?

 

Moving on or just not keeping in contact is the same thing. I think if it brings someone so much pain to be in the saem room with someone they should do what ever action they need to do to feel better. I know If I just broke up with my ex and I saw him out with another girl I would feel sick to my stomach. Yes I may be acoward for running but, I just do not want to see it. I hop eyoucan give me other ideas to get over the ex.

 

I moved on with my life and a part of that was not keeping in touch b/c it was too painful at first. Now my ex wants to get back together but How do Iknow that this is just not a "string" as you say. I have the right to do with my body what I want. I choose not to sleep with the ex, so if all he wants is sex then I think he should move on to some one who will give it to him.

[katana]

Yes - I concur with the problems with my "theory" that were pointed out.

 

I am also about total self-respect; and I want to get back to self-respect faster rather than slower. I contend that our dignity suffers for TOO long after a break up. I do realize that amount of time is different per person, but when the break up hurts for more than two or three weeks, it gets down right ridiculous - to dignity and self-respect and moving-on.

 

Understand, I am trying to get on with my life faster - not trying to save the relationship...

 

So I am looking for a new way to cope with breaking up. One way [my suggestion] is to immerse youself in your situation to experience ALL the feelings. If your gut says, it can work - there is something inside representing that view that needs to be experienced and at least attempted....maybe only for the sake of learning for the "next time" - WHICH we all have experienced or will experience, unfortunately.

 

So, after the first time you see your ex- with someone, the gut wrenching is awful - I agree.

 

After you see your ex- for the 10th time with someone else, I propose that your gut won't wrench at all. And the quicker I can get to the 10th time, the better for my self respect, dignity and my own life movement.

 

I do think turning away is acceptable, and time does heal Everything - but not with thoughts still running in my head about the ex. If the thoughts are still in my head - am I really turning away? I suggest, I am not - that I am dwelling and that the effect is the same or worse than just picking up the phone and calling and dealing with the ex- on a more "instant" level.

 

Doing this - I see/saw how crazy my notions of getting back together really are and I truly feel like I am starting to move on - thinking less and less about the ex. There are good reasons why people break up - we just have to remind ourselves of that reality while we are stuck in depression-mode.

[Genesis]

Well I agree but I do not know how long you were with your ex, but I was with my ex for 4 years. I do not think you can forget four years in 3 weeks, some people do but I can not. I am the romantic type full of love and when I love someone or loved someone it is hard for me to forget them. When I broke up with my ex from high school, I thought about him for at least a year. Some say it will takes half the relationship to heal. Ex: 6 month rel. = 3 months of healing. I was not sad or would cry, or could not function and go on with my life , but I did think of him from time to time. Now with my recent breakup, (not the same guy) I told myself that I would not put myself through all the pain I had with my High school sweet heart.

I did not call or write. Then four months later he calls me and wants to get back together, and I am almost (but not all the way) right back where I started. The fellings just came flooding back in. I told myself to move on get over it, and I was!! He still was on my mind alot but I felt like I can get over him! Now I am right back into this game of Love wondering when it will end again or if it will last forever.

 

I have a question for you Kantana. If you have to guard your heart is that really love. I think in some way we have to guard our heart with everyone so will not get hurt. The bible even tells us to Guard our heart.

[katana]

There is nothing wrong with thinking about someone - forever even. I still think about all my loves/lovers - but the one I am with gets my heart and mind fully. In truth, I don't remember a single conversation with my previous ex-es, but do with the last one.

 

So I'm not saying forget about someone that you have known - I am saying that we need to get them out of that part of the mind that keeps us from finding the next one to get our time and attention...to me, that is moving on, and preserving dignity and self-respect.

 

Do I miss my ex- absolutely, every day, without question. This last one was the best one so far. And after every break up [in retrospect], the next relationship always got better....like it was another level - well above the last "love". Would I have ever thought we wouldn't be together - I did all the time - the break up is almost unreal.

 

Now you ask - after 4 years how can you forget ..... I amazed on how two people could possibly break up after 4 years. [i'm in that boat, asking these questions]. What on earth were we thinking that after spending 2 years together, we could [not suddently though] break up and then not talk to each other ever again - how absolutely crazy is that!

 

So to solve that problem, I think the last 3 years, and then the last 2 yrs. before that, and then the last 4 before that - they were the most painful practice sessions until the next "best" one comes along. I have to believe that one day I'll figure this out and I'm turning over every possible stone and emotion at the moment...but you can't turn over new stones until you have put the previous stones down.

 

In your case, why did you not call or write? What's the big deal of calling or writing - is it ego, pride.- you are not promising anything, there is NO message in your calling or writing... and that brings us to this thread - if you have feelings welling up inside you, why not explore them - maybe one of the answers is that you'll actually never be with that person, or the answer could be that you just needed 4 months in between to sort things out one last time. Not dealing with the ex- has nothing to do with the ex-, it has to do with the self not being allowed to explore EVERY possibility.

 

The [only and] best reason I have heard to let the ex- be is that maybe she is happier now and that thought actually comforts me and prevents me from calling...so I write here instead...which actually helps quite a bit in moving on.