I feel like my world is crumbling--please help!

[Genesis]

I did not talk to the last ex b/c of the way we broke up. We had a calm breakup , but then had a dispute over me getting my things back. I wanted to get my things back in April and he acted like I should wait until the end July when his lease was up. Well I would call to talk about getting my things and I felt like he was being "short and rude" with me on the phone. I think he thought I was trying to beg for him back, but I just wanted my furniture back so I could move on. Well he never set up a date, I did not trust him , so I called his mother. She made arrangments for me to get my things. He was pissed that I called his mom about getting my things back. I felt like for someone who you were with for so long and now you treat me as if I am some type of stranger?

 

When I came to pick up my stuff he was not there. I guess he did not care about never seeing me again. It made me mad that I traveled two hours to get my things and he was not there. I knew he would not be there 2 day before I went, but still! My pride which I know is not good, would not let him take advantage of me by just letting him keep my furniture, or get the best of me. I was so mad at the way he could just be fine with never seeing me again, we live two hours away from each other, so it is not like we will "bump" into each other. So I never wanted to talk to him, why talk to someone who acts like they do not care. Well around the 4th of July weekend , He started sending me text mgs. and I would write back. Then a month later he calls, wants to give things a second chance? That story about the furniture is the reason I did not talk to my ex. I know it may sound petty, but I did not want to be taken advantage of. I had to hound him down to get my things, like her wanted to keep them! I think I would have contacted him one day, but I know it it not best to contact people when you are still upset with them. We talk on the phone now and have apologized to each other.

 

With my last BF (the ex from 5 years ago, not the ex I am trying to get over now), I wrote to him every two months , and I felt like I was not moving on by writing to him. I did not feel like I was letting go. We now only write each other on our birthdays. Right now I have no desire for the "next" one or I have just not met him yet. I have been on dates since the breakup, not to rush into something new but to make new friends. I always find something wrong with them even if they seem to be perfect. Even when they ARE "perfect" I still do not want them. I think about how I want to be in my ex's arms and not theirs. I just do not want to date anyone right now, I do not even want to go out on dates anymore. I feel like I am not even looking for the One. I am still trying to figure out what went wrong in the last one , so I do not make the same mistakes with the "next" one. The way I feel now, If God were to bring my future husband and place him right in front of my face I would not want him. Not b/c I am sooo in love with the ex. I just feel like I do not want anyone. IF I had a choice I would choose my ex, but the other half of me does not want to take the risk with him either.

 

You talk so much about the "next" person, but what if we already have what we want now. I am not saying my ex is the one, God knows who the one is for me, but I feel like I may never feel this way again "love". I do not understand why people fall out of love in a instant. What is real love? Why do people get married and are together for 20 years and then some bimbo or tramp comes along and all of a sudden this man is in "love" with her. If we all have the potential to fall in "love" with someone else why do we get in relationships in the first place. Why do people find their "soulmates" when they are in a relationship with someone else. Does that not show a lack of character, to CHeat? Who is to say that this person is right from the next.

[katana]

As I read your description - I would not think that your last relationship was good enough for you [or me, or anyone]....looking at it from SO far away.

 

The "next" is a direct result of the "last" not working out. How do you conclude that you have everything you need right now? How do you know the "next" one is not the best one? You don't - that's why you have to look for the "next" - even if at the end of time, you get back with your "last". Humans are silly in that we need the proof!!!

 

I do hear what you are saying - and I agree to a point. If what you have is good [good enough] and you can make it better over time with your partner - then that's the one that you need to fight for and try and get bck together - another 10 times if you have to. But life has proved to you that That statement "may" not be correct - so I ask, why is this last one the one.

 

Well - I've struggled with that last idea for 10+ years until I saw this movie that change my philosophy of life, really.

 

Have you ever seen GroundHog's Day? What that movie said to me was that "we get to practice Over and Over and Over, until we get it right and only then do we get to move on". I wish I got that many chances with the "last"....so that's the twisted-irony of the movie vs. life - We get to try, but not with the same person. In the movie, the hero gets to try with the same person but she doesn't know it.

 

That where the "next" comes from for me. That I still have not "gotten it" and need to try again with a "next" - OR- I'll never move on and be truly happy. So there has to be a "next" because I don't have a "last" to work with - I'm alone. And guess what, you also don't have a "last" to work with either - so no matter how good it is/was, it's not there for you, fighting for you, looking for you just now...is it?

 

Life has proven this to me to - every "next" relationship has been better [much better] than the "last". Do I want any more - heck no. Could I have made it work with the last - I could have, but she couldn't "see" it. Did we break up for any good reason - I don't think so - there was nothing probably other than lost attraction, bad timing, not ready...all the standard reasons. The reasons were so minor and her-sided for breaking up that it convinced me not to invest any more into this "perfect one".

 

I think like you - I love the idea of finding a good one and just working through everything for the rest of our lives - that's perfect for me. But it takes two people to think like that. If one has a wandering mind, then the break up will happen sometime.

 

Like you - I do not find people appealing-for-life when I date - not good enough, this flaw, that issue - but the more I date, the more understanding I get for others and can start to relate where in life they came from - just like where in life I came from. So I chose to get back on the horse because there is someone out there on a horse probably looking for me - could it be my ex-, sure I suppose - but she's gotta get back on the horse too ALL BY HERSELF [not because I wish it] - she has to go through date after date - she needs to explore her "next" - she has to conclude the same stuff as me.

 

Even with you - I predict and will bet money that you will and so will the other writers - have a "next". Minds seem too small to comprehend this; but I have all the faith that our hearts are SO big, there is plenty of Great loves left still...even better than the last.

 

So when you get "tired" of being alone, you will find the reasons to find the "next" [and yes, the next can be the same as the last - but they have to try too].

 

Frankly, I got tired of being alone the first week of separation and started dating everyone in sight with no expectations for anything - mostly to get my "happy face" back.

[Genesis]

I think men are different than some women, they can just go out a date right after the breakup like it is nothing. I have dated but I still feel like I am not ready yet, the desire to be with someone else is not there. I enjoy being with my friends and family so I am not lonely. My point is that I right now I am at point were I do not want to date. I am not saying my ex-boyfriend is the only person I will ever love. I think that it would not be fair to lead poor guy on (rebound) , when I am still thinking about or "in love" with my ex.

 

Relationships do seem to get into some type of routine, and people bodies change over time, so I guess at some point we will all loose attraction to our partner. I think it is the persons spirit that keeps one with the same person. My ex is making an effort in trying to be a better person. My question is should I move on or save this relationship. Should I give us another chance? NO RELATIONSHIP is stress free! I have seen many couples of all ages and every on of them experince adversity at some point in the relationship. I think people just take each other for granted after being together so long and they do not know what they had until it is gone.

[katana]

Trying to be a better person is VERY different than trying to be with you again.

 

If you will try again, make sure you know and have heard for yourself, that he is willing to try with you [not just be a better person].

 

Similarly, make sure he hears from you that you will try and work it out with him.

 

Make each other a "witness" to what you have to say - make it clear. Keeping intentions unclear or one-sided will not help you.

 

My advice to everyone I have spoken with when they ask is "try again". Only through closures will you either be with one again or move on without regrets.....but remember, time is un-recoverable.

 

If you have to ask if you should try again, then you [the singular you] still have to achieve closure.

[Genesis]

Right now we are working towards trying again. We have been apart for five months, I do not know if that is long enough to achieve closure, but we both want to try again. It is not just me who wants this , but the both of us. I will give us one more try and if it does not work out that is ok. I still live my life to the fullest regardless of any relationship that I am in. I have been on my own , and I was happy. I think my life can still be happy if I do not have alove interest in it. I can be ok with or with out him. At least if it does not work out this time, I will have no regretes. I meet charming men every day, and if one of those men is meant to date me, I know that we will date sooner or later. Love is patient and kind, it should not be rushed. If I really loved this man, like I said that I do, I think I should at least try one more time, not 2 or 3 more times but just once. A man will not make or break me.

 

I did have closure with this person. I was ready to see him, in the after life(never see him again). It takes a long time to heal from being in such a long relationship. I think even if I did not get back with him, I would not be open to dating others right now. You can be happy with out dating everyone in sight. It would not be right to lead someone on, until I am ready. I take our relationship day by day, and if it does not work out, then I know it was not meant to be. I only have one life I have faith in the Lord to order my steps and guide me. The only time I feel is a waste is when it does not benifit my career. I plan to have a successful life on my own regardless if I have a man or not. I do not spend that much time with him anyway, so It is not like I will be wasting to much time. I am not the type to stay in a relationship that is not working anymore. I will give us a chance, I think destiny happens regardless of what happens along the way. Even if the ex is not the one, I will be ok. God will show me the person who is mean to be with me.

[shellie12345]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been reading everything you have all written. It helps a lot but I am at a very bad place right now and am struggling to get out of it. Since me and my boyfrined have broken up we have arrived at school for our 2nd year. I got here about a week ago and things have completely gone downhill. I am dying inside. I have no control over my feelings and all I do is cry. He is always with his friends and everytime I see him at bars he is hitting on some girl. Yesterday I was having the best day ever and me and my friends decided to go to a bar. Right when we were getting there I see him leaving with some girl and his buddy and the girl was all over him. I was so upset I just stormed off. I could not control myself. He has not even called to see if I am o.k. He is changing so much and it is killing me. I feel so depressed and I am scared. How will I make it through the year?? I just want to go home. I am so upset constantly that I feel sick. This is so bad. Please help.

[katana]

You always have this fall back - go visit your school's Docs - they can help with counseling and guidance [yes, psychologically as well] - face to face guidance is probably better this virtual guidance....and they'll keep checking up on you.

 

But assuming you want to get through this on your own - which is cool...

 

Do a little research on the Internet .... St. John's Wart and Ginko Biloba - two herbs that may actually help you through this. These are nothing you can get hooked on - available everywhere - and tend to work for many people [but not everyone]. They are nutritional supplements - not drugs. You have to find out if it works for you...

 

You are in your down cycle and the mind is just too amazingly strong to "let things go" just now....but it will with some coaxing on your part.

 

One thing you need to take care of is your body - your mind will follow when it is ready. Keep eating good stuff, no crap - take vitamins and supplements just for a week at least - then see how you feel. Stay away from Alcohol - it doesn't help at all at times like this. [the body is indeed connected to the mind - since you cannot influence your mind well right now, but you can influence your physical body which will help your mind...].

 

Definitely go work out at the gym instead of going to bars - even if it is just 10 minutes at a time - the act of doing is what is important now. All the stresses are building up and quite frankly, you are at school to go to school, not be in disfunctional relationships - Priorities!!! set some priorities.

 

Fun follows above advice... almost guaranteed.... what do you have to lose anyway?

 

The only bit of hopeful advice for you that I can offer is that "the cumulative we know how much better you will feel Once you get over this - as painful as things are now - they get So much better once you get through it - almost a magical-high that last well through ALL types of your future relationships".

 

Another thought - let's assume there is a guy you meet in your near future - he doesn't probably know enough to say this - but if he did, he would say to you, "i'm glad you experienced the stuff you did back then and you are the way you are now - I like being with someone wiser and strong like you".

 

Much hope for you... it's a piece of cake [in hind-sight, of course].

 

S.

 

p.s. I'm going through much of the same as you, and I AM following the above advice and it is working. I'm walking the talk, sista'

[shellie12345]

Hi again...

 

I know I have not replied for a while but I have been having such a good week. I did not see or talk to him for almost 8 days and I was building up so much hope and strength. I saw him the other night and totally blew him off. I know it was not the most mature thing to do but I was just doing what felt best for me at the time. Now 2 days later I feel like the good feelings are all being swallowed up once again. When will this all end? I just want to be able to see him and feel nothing. I know that that is impossible but I wish for it so much. How can I make myself stop loving someone? At this point I feel like that is my only option here. I have so many thoughts running through my head like if he has been with any girls etc... still drives me insane. I feel like this will never end. I have been so good this past week and never called him or anything but I feel like I need to talk to him so bad. What should i do? Should i fight it? Or call? I hope this gets better and soon....

[Genesis]

He has not called you so why call him. Go talk to a therapist, get some meds if you need them.

 

You are going to have to fight this. If anyone had the magic answer to all your questions we all would not be here. You have to let him go. Yes, I am sure he has been with other girls. If he wanted to talk to you he would call you. I think he wants to move on and so should you.

 

You must live in a small town b/c I do not see why you keep going to the same bars as him all the time. You have to be strong. He is already dating and trying to move on with his life. You should start to make new friends also, keep yourself busy. You spend too much time thinking about him when he is not thinking about you.

[shellie12345]

I know I must sound like a sad person who can't let go. But to be honest I want nothing more than to be able to let go. I want this pain to go away. I want to be able to make it through the day without wanting to call him but the truth of the matter is that I can't. I try and try and try. I love him more than anything in the world. I cannot stop loving him no matter how much I wish I could. I know he is not thinking about me and that is why I am still writing to everyone. Because the pain of knowing that the guy I love more than life itself has not picked up the phone to call me at all, is just too much to bear. I am writing because the pain is so unbearable that I am embarrassed to keep asking my friends for advice---over and over. I am writing because I need help and the responses truly make me feel better. If I could stop thinking about him and erase all of this pain like you tell me to Genisis then I would have stopped writing a long time ago. Thank you for the advice but I guess I need a miracle more than anything. I am dealing but I hurt so much inside. I need to move on. It just seems like every time I try I end up in the same terrible spot that I started out in. I know you are all probably sick of hearing from me and find me very annoying but I can only be totally honest. I need to get through this but it seems to never end. I will stop writing after this but I just wanted to thank you all so much for your help---it means a lot.

[Genesis]

I do not think you are a sad person, you are just hurt and we all go thought this stage during the breakup process.

 

The thing that helped me alot to cope with my breakup, was to read my bible, and watch sermons on TV. INSP and TBN.That is what helped me and it gave me a lot of strength to help myself cope and try to move on.

I do not know what will be the best outlet for you to move on, but I know that asking your friends for advice all the time is not going to help you at all. People get tired of you whinning about your ex, I know b/c people were tired of me whinning about my ex. You just have to find some type of outlet to express your feelings and let go of things. My outlet was praying and worshipping , I do not know what you will chose to help you get over this pain. The first few months are hard, but things will get better if you try to let go.