the past..

[jmantra]

Not sure where to put this but..

 

 

I was bullied, shunned, and ostracised throughout school growing up. It hurt me so much I became suicidal in high school and had to be hospitilized for depression.( You start really believe the things people say about you after a while) To this day it still haunts me. I still suffer from depression, and often have nightmares and flashbacks about it.In fact one of my more crueler tormentors works for the public works department in my township, he was doing leaf collection to get the piles of leaves off the street, he drove by and made a remark while I was out having a ciggy. The administation and teachers were no help because it was mainly verbal. Even a few teachers were ignorant to me. It really makes me sick to my stomach that this is allowed to go on schools and sometimes in workplaces. People are fugged up.

 

Another issue I am having is I was molested by a female babysitter when I was 7. Whenever I would get intimate with former girlfriends, I would have this anxiety, this repulsion about it even though I wanted to do it. (I am a male after all )

 

So in essense, because of all this I don;t trust people now. I don't know if I can trust people, I don;t know if I can move past this... I think the scars are too deep..

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Hi there- it sounds like you are very aware of the problems surrounding you and what makes you sad. That's lucky in one way, many people never face why they are miserable.

 

Understanding is one part of the process though- action comes next. It's so easy to just identify with who we think we are and then use that to define us. Childmolested victim?? It makes things safer. But you are more than that I think. These are just past experiences and personality habits you are talking about. You can walk away from all these feelings- you will always have trouble believing good things about yourself. You are 23 and those ideas of your selfworth arent going to disappear. or at least certainly not overnight- I guess I'm thinking along the same lines of myself. I beat myself up, I think I'm no good. Then I do something good and I start to feel better.

 

Action does more than philosophizing. The more you think "I am a childmolested victim" the more your head is going to keep you down. Do something radical physcially I reckon- go somewhere or start something. If you 're stuck in a town surrounded by things creating bad thought processes - then go elsewhere. You may feel entrenched where you are- but safe as it is- do you really want to continue feeling like this?

 

My two cents. Just don't give up and stop victimizing yourself I reckon!!!!

[robowarrior]

link removed

link removed

 

Why is one person bullied and another person left alone? Its all about the signals you send out. A person doesn't bully you for no reason, every person sends out signals, consiously or unconsiously you are sending out a signal that triggers dislikement. In the eyes of the person or people who are bullying you.

 

There's two things you can do, if you are strong enough you could stand up against that person/people who are bullying you. Or prevent that you are sending out signals that causes dislikement which results in bullying. In your case, you have to admit that you are to weak to stand up against all this bullying, thereforeeee it would be wiser in my opinion to change the signals you are sending out to your environment. Think of yourself, what would be considered the primairy dislikement of my attacker about me, how could i change that signal into something less unfavourable. Also reading those links could be helpfull.

 

For instance when a person is fat , or dresses differently. And gets bullied as a result of that, what would the reaction be if that person changed into someone beautifull or dress occasionaly, well the person might still get bullied, but it would be far less, then how it was before.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Thanks for the link. The link also talk about work place bullying. I had been searching in bookstore and library about how to handle bulllying at work place.

[Caterina]

I don't know what to do about the babysitter, thats so horrible...

 

I do, however, understand the terror that originates in the instability of being a child who was not protected from the cruelty of other children. The fear and shame starts partially you, but is more certainly derived from the circumstances you faced while a student. One thing that has been very difficult for me and yet very clarifying is to think of all people as being severely flawed, including myself. See, my temporary, freeing way of coping used to be to point fingers...but to realize that a part of me is also cruel (perhaps not naturally in the same way as they are, though) makes me realize that forgiveness is the best way to freedom. Since I want to be forgiven for the terrible thoughts/things that I casually/not so casually did in life. However, if you can separate from people like this, DO IT. If its possible to stay away from them, you'll be a lot healthier and a lot less anxious. People like that are evil and they are everywhere. If you can't get away from them, you have to be tough, but if you can avoid it, its even better. Never resort to being like them...make sure you are always a kinder person...always the better person. The shame is something that they made you feel but it originates in no true thing. You have no reason to feel ashamed of anything.

[Juliana]

Guest, believe me, you are not sending out signals. You did nothing to invite attack. I was also bullied, raped, beaten -- the works. What bullies, rapists and child molestors all have in common is a need to establish a relationship with the person they are attacking, but they lack the social skills to do it, so they attack, attempt to dominate and abuse their "victim." And please understand, when I say "relationship," I do not mean love or friendship. The relationship they desire with the world is that they get what they want, whenever they want, at whoever's expense.

 

You are not wrong to understand that you were damaged by what they did. You are not wrong to know that you did not invite these attacks. They made the decision to behave that way; you did not force them to it by being a certain way. Nothing forces anyone to attack anyone else; they choose those behaviours. There is something in them that tells them that they have the right to interact with others in a power-driven way, as opposed to an empathy-driven way.

 

"And I say this because what sociopaths envy, and may seek to destroy as a part of the game, is usually something in the character structure of a person with conscience, and strong characters are often specially targetted by sociopaths." -- Martha Stout, the Sociopath Next Door, pg 51.

 

Some people admire bullies; less so rapists and child molestors, but they are all one and the same, really; people who cannot empathize with others. And that is a hallmark of sociopathy. One of the central problems with mental illness like sociopathy is the belief that one has no choice, that there are no other options, and that one must act as one does. Having no insight, and confronted with a situation that puts pressure on them, either externally, or internally, or both, the ill person will react as their wounded mind demands. Then feeling trapped by their unperceived inability to find optional solutions, they will throw blame onto the victims of their behaviour, for "forcing them" to act as they did. Child molestors thereforeeee seem to truly believe that the child is seducing them, rapists and batterers claim "she was asking for it," and bullies blame their targets for being "weak," or "different." The astonishing thing is how often society agrees with them.

 

You've been traumatized, and the best thing you can do for yourself now is to ensure that you have no further contact with anyone like that. That's the wonderful thing about adulthood; no matter what anyone does, they cannot actually force you to have to associate with them anymore. Your life is still your own, it was always your own.

 

You should read, as well as material on the internet, things that look at the psychology of sociopaths and child molestors, so you can better understand how emotionally empty these people are, and how driven they are to try to relate with others in the only means open to them -- abuse and manipulation. Andrew Vachss has a really good site, called The Zero, that looks at child molestation. It's invaluable (as is he). Barbara Coloroso and Martha Stout have written, respectively, of bullying and morality, and sociopaths versus non-sociopaths. These are life-changing writers. Once you understand the sociopathic character, you will understand how there was nothing that you could have done to invite the attacks, other than be standing there at the wrong time. There is nothing wrong with you; there is something profoundly wrong with them.

[Caterina]

Wow that was interesting...thanks for the great insights.