What do I have to lose...

[redsuede]

This is the problems I faced.. Things I need to see with my eyes and not try to pick apart in my head... I have posted before but only really scratched a bit of the surface. I also have around 8 diarys, however, they all have eventually been found and read, so I have learned not to write much of anything in them. None of them have more than a few pages written in them because I would buy a new one in disguise.. of course it would get read eventually.. I gave up on the diary idea.

 

 

Back tracking....

 

Since 5th grade, I knew I was attracted to women. Since then, I hid it, and I hid it well. I dated a ton of guys, and ended up having 2 kids (with the same guy).

 

11 years ago, I met the woman of my dreams. We became very close very quick. We saw eachother every day. She would come to my house in the mornings and wake me up. She would write me pages of intimate letters, but she was taken already and she was straight. This didnt stop her from teasing me sexually "as friends" for the first 4 years. We didnt have sex those 4 years and because I fell in love with her, I couldnt date. I just wanted to be with her. No one else interested me, and honestly I didnt have the knowledge of the danger of what this would lead to.

 

4 years later, she confronts me with that prospect of her and I. It was a purely sexual proposal, and I was by then far in love with her, and I didnt want to get hurt. I said no to her everyday that week. She would then send me emails about how she loved my body.. which made it hard. So, yes, I finally said yes. My gut was saying NOOOO, but my heart won. I really did well at first by viewing us as "friends with benefits" because she moved in that weekend. I still tried to maintain my usual life, seeing my friends, and seeing my family. She would call me however where I was and say very sweetly to come home soon, she made dinner and she is going to wait for me.. That felt good. Soon after that, she wanted us to buy matching rings and put them on our left ring finger.. I loved that ring.

 

The first year, she met someone at work. Granted he was just a friend, but she would come home and admit to me she had feelings for him. For that whole year she was inseperable with him. Our sex life very early became stretched very thin.

 

Second year, she met some guy at a bar, brought him home and made out with him on my couch... then broke up with me in front of him when I walked in the room.. (this one still hurts a lot)

 

Third year, she didnt work anymore, she found someone on the internet, "started feeling feelings" and started in with internet sex. I didnt know this for months, but my gut did. She eventually fessed up, but she had to make sure she did it one last time, told me she was "breaking things off", went in the room and "Chatted" one last time.. Then she left me shortly after, and left me with all of our bills, stranded, in a very very bad situation.

 

Fourth year (I know...) She fell in love with a married man. We werent living together, we had gotten back together, and conveniently she broke things off with me right before things got going with him. That is what she says..

 

Fifth year, Was just me.... .. We moved in together again, bought a house.. Problem was I couldnt do it. All of the hoops I was trying to jump through for years.. plus the new hoops. She wanted a clean house, yet I was really the only one cooking or cleaning, or mowing the lawn, or shoveling the walks, or even grocery shopping. I was worn out and tired. She complained so much.. I wanted so much to say then get off your a** and help me, but I was scared of her. She started very early with hard core emotional abuse, verbal abuse. There was some physical abuse too, but in fairness, the physical stuff wasnt more than a handful of times. I just kept trying harder and harder. I even consciencely would tell myself, I would do it right, I have to do it right.. Of course, I could never do it right for more than a few hours. Something was always wrong, and I found I couldnt keep up.

 

Sixth year.. She had a full affair with a work relation at a hotel. She stayed out the whole night, I worried the whole night.. Inside I knew, but I was worried because she also has epilepsy. I was scared she was laying on the side of the road..

 

That was 2 months ago. She told me about it a month and a half ago, and then she left me again.

 

Since then I have sold our house, moved me and my kids in our own place, and I have the prospect of my own business deal I have been working on that looks promising.

 

I feel like I cant function inside anymore. I used to be so attractive, always having that kind of attention, now I feel so old, and easily tossible.

 

I was mostly so lonely. I wanted so much to be held or touched too. I gave backrubs very regularly, or foot rubs..But I wanted that too. I just felt so lonely and alone. I learned not to talk about the big stuff. Just surface stuff. That was hard enough.

 

Please before anyone posts anything harsh, please realize that I am pulling myself to better ground. I have pulled off the rose colored glasses, and found imitation strength. Now Im left feeling like I am constantly needing to shake off, almost like I am covered in dirt.

 

I really loved this woman, she was my "first", I shared my whole self with her. I thought she loved and cared about me too. When things were good, no one else would do. It was like we fit like a glove, and I found during those times, I wouldnt even think about the bad times.. I thought they were finally in the past, and we would move on to better things.

 

Now I am left here trying to function, and she is off somewhere, seemingly happy...

 

I am ready for the fight inside to begin to health and happiness.....

[robowarrior]

Its wonderfull how much you left out , you see having secrets is a bad thing, if you pile up your closet with skeletons and corpses one day they will fall out and that gives a horrible mess for everyone to see. It says something about your life style. Nothing what you do is a secret EVERYTHING is known. So the best thing what you can do is clean up the mess, and start a pure lifestyle.

 

What on earth happened with the guy who you had two kids with? Where you married with him? Did you cheat on him to be with that woman? Regardless of that you have a lot of life lessons to learn. Hey im not out here to destroy you, i commend you on having taken off the glasses and starting to see things for real as they are.

 

Especially in a harsh environment where people would condemn you for being a lesbian , its possible that you tried to cloak your actions and putted your feelings into your diary as an outlet. I don't know if they had on-line password protected diary's during those times as they have now.

I think that its also time that you need to stop being ashamed for who you are. But a bit of advice here, you have to act like a castle gate, close yourself to bad people/things/events and push them out of your life, and open yourself up to good people/things/events and pull them into your life.

 

If people bring you misery, even if you are in love with them, its NOT healthy to have them in your life. Well you've seen how horrible it has been, you have been treating her so good, and as a reward you got a kick in your face. No wonder you are emotionally devestated. However you best get over her, although you can always love her, you fully need to realise that what you did was not healthy. Its time to put off your mask and show the world who you really are. And what you see might not be what you like, however, the only thing in this universe that can make you happy is loving and helping other people. Which is the meaning of life, and the work that we are here to do on earth.Say to yourself 'i can change my life' So you can work hard to turn yourself into a person who spreads love and light, by loving and helping other people. Don't let people abuse you, stand up for yourself and what you represent.

[redsuede]

I havent cheated on anyone in my life. I opened up to my x husband and told him that I wasnt straight, that was long ago, but now we now are the best of friends.

 

I appreciate your feedback.. I am in the process of finding myself again.. As far as the skeletons in the closet, I am not sure why you wrote that.. I guess I did leave bits and pieces out.. but pretty much, I am an open book... The only things that are secretive in my life is what I have been through. I thought it would be healing to get it out somewhere.. so I chose here.

 

Anyway, I am trying to do NC. It is best for everyone. I havent ever fully done NC. I have thought that my job in life is to make sure everyone is taken care of first, and then I can try to focus on what I am going through. I am now working on this too.

 

My kids btw really loved this person I was with. She was in their life a long time, and didnt see what was really going on.

 

As far as "my lifestyle"... I am not ashamed of my sexuality. I really havent encountered any harsh judgements from anyone.. especially ones I thought might judge me.. I am just like anyone else, with feelings for people of my same sex.. I just wanted to clarify that is no longer an issue with me..