Why did he cheat and then leave me?

[this2willpa55]

I was madly in love with the man of my dreams. He was not the most handsome man in the world (actually a bit on the dorky side). I feel in love with him because I thought he was extremely kind, honest, caring, and overall the most decent man I have ever met. He treated me like a queen, and I thought we had a wonderful relationship. He made me a big part of his life. We did everything all serious couples do. Talk of moving in together, saving for our future together, and then marriage. I loved this man with all of my heart and made sure he was aware of this everyday. We never had major arguments, just little debates here and there. We had what I thought was a very special connection.

 

I am on my road to recovery but cannot shake these questions. I know I should not care either way, but I just really need to know for some strange reason.

 

This man wants nothing more than to start a family. Why would he cheat and then leave me (an attractive, intelligent, successful, caring, generous woman with a great personality and most importantly a good heart) for a much younger woman that is still not stable in her life. I would understand the attraction (she is very attractive as well) if he was still in his 20s, but he is approaching his 40s and is looking to start a family. Why would he give up what we had for this? I know it's not to fulfill his sexual fantasies. He was well taken care of. Plus, she is in another state. Please can someone give me an insight to this way of thinking.

[Beec]

I don't think anyone can really give you insight into what he was thinking.

 

But I also think his actions say much mroe about him that what he said he wanted.

 

The man cheated, you are better off without him.

[this2willpa55]

I don't think anyone can really give you insight into what he was thinking.

 

But I also think his actions say much mroe about him that what he said he wanted.

 

The man cheated, you are better off without him.

 

i guess i am just looking for answers. why someone would give up everything to cheat.

[Beec]

i guess i am just looking for answers. why someone would give up everything to cheat.

 

Same answer. I don't know.

 

He either did not think he was giing up much, did not want it to continue, was not thinking about the future or any other number of possibilities.

 

Be thankful it happened now, and not after the family was started.

[this2willpa55]

Same answer. I don't know.

 

He either did not think he was giing up much, did not want it to continue, was not thinking about the future or any other number of possibilities.

 

Be thankful it happened now, and not after the family was started.

 

i am very thankful of that. i thank God every night. i hope one day he realizes his mistake.

[ILovePasta]

As often happens, people tend to think the grass is greener on the otherside of the fence. After being with someone for an extended period of time, getting to know each other intimately, establishing an exclusive relationship and basically getting into a routine of seeing that person daily, the excitment begins to wear thin and you start to notice other people.

 

The short and long of it: people get bored and want to feel the rush again.

 

Generally i find that in any relationship, one person gives more than the other. The person who gives less is usually the one who cheats. why?

 

Because they know they 'have' the other person, and as I mentioned, the challenge is gone.

[this2willpa55]

As often happens, people tend to think the grass is greener on the otherside of the fence. After being with someone for an extended period of time, getting to know each other intimately, establishing an exclusive relationship and basically getting into a routine of seeing that person daily, the excitment begins to wear thin and you start to notice other people.

 

The short and long of it: people get bored and want to feel the rush again.

 

Generally i find that in any relationship, one person gives more than the other. The person who gives less is usually the one who cheats. why?

 

Because they know they 'have' the other person, and as I mentioned, the challenge is gone.

 

what are the chances of this relationship lasting?

[ILovePasta]

Well I can only speak from my personal experiences....

 

GIRL 1 - dated 2 years. I was the guy described in my previous post about finding the grass greener on the otherside. Persued another girl and we dated for about 2 months. I did tell my girlfriend that we should see other people, before I actually persued the other girl though. My girlfriend tried very hard to get me back, and I was very uncaring towards her. Realized the grass isn't that great and left the other girl. My girlfriend took me back and I was commited to her for another 3 years before she broke up with me.

 

GIRL 2 - Little different. Was dating for 3.5 years and things were great for the most part. Started neglecting her and she finally had enough. Dumped me and started hanging out with another guy. I fought to get her back and did so successfully (sort of). We are still fighting about certain things to this day. Part about her and the other guy and part about how hurt she was because I neglected her during our relationship.

 

So in short, if he loves you and if you were a great girl to him and you want him back....

 

It can be done if you suck it up and put your pride in the crapper. Take it for as long as you can then when you can't take it anymore, let him know youre 'hanging' out with someone else. He'll come running back.

 

Not the greatest advice inregards to what is really best for YOU as a person, but if you want nothing more than to have him back, my suggestion works pretty well.

[this2willpa55]

.

 

we told each other we loved each other every day. i don't doubt that he loved me (past tense). i was nothing but wonderful to him. what is really bothering me is the hurt and pain that i endured during the first month of the breakup. i know he has not felt this pain because he is occupying his thoughts with this new woman.

 

i don't know if i want him back. every day i am losing my feelings for him, but i do want him to feel the pain of this breakup. there's no justice when a cheater gets away scotch free.

[ILovePasta]

Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done about that. Your best bet is to not contact him... ever again. Do not reply to any communication from him.

[bigredvick]

he might wanted to have had someone who is young so he can support her. idk. just a guess

[tara3720]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. All I can say is keep on doing what you are doing. Do not contact him, as that's the only way to get over someone who is SO not worthy of you. You are a wonderful woman, and deserve SO much better.

I too am trying to get over how a man can be be so loved, have a wonderful girlfriend who treats him so well, yet leave that to be with someone else. I'm in my early 20's, and my ex is in his thirties, so it doesn't matter. It hurts, it hurts bad, but I believe that we will find the man of our dreams in time who will NEVER do this to us. It will take time, but he is out there. =)

Please remember what a wonderful woman you are, and any man who doesn't see that is just not worth your time.

[this2willpa55]

thanks tara,

 

i have not contacted him in 5 weeks, and i feel really good about that. i believe one day these men will regret what they did to us, but we will not be there to take them back because we will be with better men that deserve the love we have to offer. it's taken me a while to get angry about the situation, but i am now there. even after he broke up with me, before i knew he cheated, i wished him nothing but the best. maybe i was just too easy and too kind-hearted. but that's me, and i will never change that.

 

you hang in there as well.

[Juliana]

If I can add, from my experience, sometimes these guys are rather cold-blooded and are just looking for the "best deal" on a wife. So when they get a chance to "trade up," they do. That's just how they look at it; they had a chance at something better, and they took it.

 

The guys that have done this to me always end up in some kind of unfortunate situation. It's not that I'm happy that things didn't work out so well for them; but I could've told them, there are drawbacks with any choice -- nothing is ever as good as advertised. I try not to say that, though, when I talk to them. I congratulate them on their beautiful (dumb) wives.

[this2willpa55]

If I can add, from my experience, sometimes these guys are rather cold-blooded and are just looking for the "best deal" on a wife. So when they get a chance to "trade up," they do. That's just how they look at it; they had a chance at something better, and they took it.

 

The guys that have done this to me always end up in some kind of unfortunate situation. It's not that I'm happy that things didn't work out so well for them; but I could've told them, there are drawbacks with any choice -- nothing is ever as good as advertised. I try not to say that, though, when I talk to them. I congratulate them on their beautiful (dumb) wives.

 

oh, i had the what does she have that i don't have pity party just 2 weeks ago. i have to keep reminding myself that i am an attractive, intelligent, kind-hearted woman. i'm the whole package, and i treated him like a king. he made the mistake, not me. i just wish i could get into a mind of a man to figure out why they cheat.

[Hope75]

oh, i had the what does she have that i don't have pity party just 2 weeks ago. i have to keep reminding myself that i am an attractive, intelligent, kind-hearted woman. i'm the whole package, and i treated him like a king. he made the mistake, not me. i just wish i could get into a mind of a man to figure out why they cheat.

 

Hey There,

 

If I had a guess, I'd say that this relationship did not mean as much to him (at least at the time he cheated) as it did to you. Maybe his age and that time in life scared him so he latched onto someone younger and dysfunctional so he wouldn't have to think about marriage right now. By doing this, the pressure is off.

 

It's hard to hear, and I've been in a similar situation where I loved a guy who wasn't as into me, and it was really humiliating, because for awhile he played a good game.

 

At this point, wondering and seeking answers is only holding you in the past and in the pain that much longer. Sometimes we just don't get the answers we so long for.

 

You are a good person, and it's his loss. Remember that.

[tara3720]

Good for you. You've stayed strong, and that's what helps. It gets hard to think of them with someone else, but as Juliana said, they will most likely end up in an unfortunate situation.

We know what builds a healthy relationship, we are able and want to give that love which builds a strong bond, so I truly believe without a doubt we will be happy with the right man in time.

I know the feeling of frustration and anger of giving it all, giving so much love, then having it just gone. It really does get easier with time though doesn't it? The key is to move ahead, and smile and be happy you didn't find this out later on.

Stay strong, you are doing great!

[Rabican]

why do people cheat? who knows.

 

Sometimes no matter how much a guy (or girl) loves a good steak.. they are just in the mood for some chicken.

 

Maybe he was weak, and just didnt have the cahones to say no to the situation.

 

I heard a comedian once say that a man is only as faithful as his options...

 

And another comedian said that a man only has enough blood for one head, so he can either think with his brain, or use his.. ahem.

 

Bottom line, you will probably never know 'why' it happened. Whatever reason you get, will not satisfy your pain... so I think its best to put an x on your headboard and realize that he is yet another one that bites the dust. Move on and find someone better.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

some people are not always honest with their feelings because they want to avoid confrontation. he could have been telling you he loved you, while out looking for someone else.

 

it is totally unfair to the partner who is being honest, but if he was willing to leave you for someone else, he was obviously looking and not being honest with you about his feelings.

 

sometimes people leave perfectly great people to pursue a horrible person, for their own strange psychological reasons. so to try to go inside his head is not really possible, unless he tells you himself what his reasoning was.

 

regardless, it is good that you are not blaming yourself for his own desire to stray. and if he was someone who was telling you every day that he loved you, when he was out chasing another woman, this is someone you will never be able to trust, because he is two-faced. so count yourself lucky, and recognize him and his behavior for what it really is.

[this2willpa55]

i think the fact that he hasn't had much experience with woman has a lot to do with it. let's call him an extremely LATE bloomer. a sweet, young thing is giving him the time of day, and he is eating it up. i can only hope that she is not using him for money.