Breaking Up: Update

[LostInMyThoughts]

I posted yesterday about my dilema (here: ); I just thought I'd share what happened.

 

After work, I went over to my girlfriends house and told her that I didn't want to continue the relationship. She didn't understand, and was upset with me. She said some mean things, but I knew it was because she was hurt, and even though breaking up sucks, I was doing the right thing by being direct with her.

 

She politely told me to leave; I did. End of story. I'm sorry things ended the way they did, but I'm proud that I did the right thing.

 

Later that evening my coworker (the one I have had feelings for) came over, and one thing led to another and now we are together.

 

Breaking up was tough, but I'm now with the person I really want to be with.

[BillyJean714]

I think you were a jerk for leaving her the way you did. Emotional affairs are the WORST. How can one person do that to another?

 

If you're going to get into any relationship, at least give it your best shot. Sounds like you never had the same intentions for your ex. She DESERVES better. She didn't deserve someone who would string her along, then gets a dumping just because their partner wasn't being HONEST with them from GET GO.

 

But, if you feel you made the "best" decision, then good for you. I think it's a TERRIBLE situation for anyone to have to put up with feeling as though they've been used and thrown away.

[ILovePasta]

I think you were a jerk for leaving her the way you did. Emotional affairs are the WORST. How can one person do that to another?

 

If you're going to get into any relationship, at least give it your best shot. Sounds like you never had the same intentions for your ex. She DESERVES better. She didn't deserve someone who would string her along, then gets a dumping just because their partner wasn't being HONEST with them from GET GO.

 

But, if you feel you made the "best" decision, then good for you. I think it's a TERRIBLE situation for anyone to have to put up with feeling as though they've been used and thrown away.

 

 

Can't disagree with that.

[Dako]

Lost,

So you pretty much changed horses midstream and now have a workplace squeeze, all in one fell swoop.

 

You've got chutzpah.

[Firedancer03]

eeeech. You're "now with the person you really want to be with"? And after 3 weeks of stringing your ex along? Wow. I feel so bad for the girl you dumped.

[CarnelianButterfly]

What happens when the next friend you really like comes along?

Will you ditch the new GF for a new fling?

 

I feel sorry for your ex and I feel sorry for your new GF.

[annie24]

well, you only dated your gf for 3 weeks, you were still in the "getting to know you" phase. and well, you got to know she wasn't the one for you. i think it's better you told her now, rather than 3 months or years from now. now she can move on, and you can be with this other woman.

 

I don't think what you did was bad at all.

 

good luck

[LostInMyThoughts]

I think you were a jerk for leaving her the way you did. Emotional affairs are the WORST. How can one person do that to another?

 

If you're going to get into any relationship, at least give it your best shot. Sounds like you never had the same intentions for your ex. She DESERVES better. She didn't deserve someone who would string her along, then gets a dumping just because their partner wasn't being HONEST with them from GET GO.

 

But, if you feel you made the "best" decision, then good for you. I think it's a TERRIBLE situation for anyone to have to put up with feeling as though they've been used and thrown away.

 

Thanks for judging me.

 

I guess being honest with her and telling her I didn't see a future in the relationship was a real jerky thing to do. Next time I'll just continue forward on with a relationship that's not working, because thats the "nice" thing to do.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Wow a lot of negative responses...

 

I'm sorry I don't posses the ability to know that relationship is going to work out 10 seconds after meeting someone. It took me 3 weeks to figure it out.

 

I'm also sorry that in 3-weeks I hadn't made a strong-enuff attachment to my gf that would force me to work through problems in my relationship.

 

I should have waited until we fought like cats and dogs, and grew to resent each other instead of being honerable and telling her to her face that I didn't see a future in it.

 

The funny thing is my ex sent me a message saying she was glad I told her when I did, and wanted to still be friends; while some of you think that she, and apparently my new gf are victims.

 

Please get off your high and mighty soap boxes.

 

I doubt none of you have the courage to stand up for what you know is right in your heart and do what I did, so instead you sit here and judge me. Who are you to judge me?

 

It was a 3 week relationship; what did I owe it? If in 3 weeks I was already having doubts, think that the relationship would have done well?

[LostInMyThoughts]

Lost,

So you pretty much changed horses midstream and now have a workplace squeeze, all in one fell swoop.

 

You've got chutzpah.

 

Yeah it's crazy. Work so far has been okay; we have code names for each other.

 

Part of me was worried, but I read some statistic about the percentage of people meeting their signifigant others at work, and to me its worth the risk.

[timlondon]

eeeech. You're "now with the person you really want to be with"? And after 3 weeks of stringing your ex along? Wow. I feel so bad for the girl you dumped.

 

pfffff... 3 weeks? Yeah, she's going to be disappointed, but it's barely even a relationship. I've been out with a girl a few times over the past 3 weeks, but in no way do I consider her my gf.

 

LostInMyThoughts did exactly the right thing, he was completely honest about what was gong on.

[scsavino]

how could you possibly move on to another relationship and not get over the one you were in?

This is selfishness and you doing what you want to do.

I feel sorry for your ex.

But $ 50 says she'll find someone better.

Not judging ya - just calling it.

[LostInMyThoughts]

pfffff... 3 weeks? Yeah, she's going to be disappointed, but it's barely even a relationship. I've been out with a girl a few times over the past 3 weeks, but in no way do I consider her my gf.

 

LostInMyThoughts did exactly the right thing, he was completely honest about what was gong on.

 

I definitely screwed up by moving forward in a relationship with my ex; I thought I could bury my feelings with my friend. I was wrong.

 

But how could I have known unless I tried? Once I realized I was being dishonest with myself, I ended the relationship.

[LostInMyThoughts]

how could you possibly move on to another relationship and not get over the one you were in?

This is selfishness and you doing what you want to do.

I feel sorry for your ex.

But $ 50 says she'll find someone better.

Not judging ya - just calling it.

 

Because I had known her for all of 3-weeks. Perhaps you're one of those people who believes they've met their soul mate within minutes of talking to someone; I ain't. I still care about her; but I care about myself a whole lot more.

 

Doing what I think is best for me; yes that is selfish. I should have given up my happiness for someone I had known for about 3 weeks.

 

I agree; she'll meet someone better--better for her. I wasn't the right person.

 

So, what should I have done instead?

(BTW I posed this question in a previous thread and the overwhelming response was to end the relationship)

[BillyJean714]

Thanks for judging me.

 

I guess being honest with her and telling her I didn't see a future in the relationship was a real jerky thing to do. Next time I'll just continue forward on with a relationship that's not working, because thats the "nice" thing to do.

3 weeks is what you tell us. The point is- if you KNEW how you felt all along, then why even get into a relationship with her? It's called convenience, and it's wrong.

 

You expect us to sympathize with you? You came here for the truth right?

 

I'm not going to sugarcoat things and say what you did isn't wrong, because clearly, you know that you hurt another soul. Sure, you may have gone out with her for 3 weeks (we don't know that for sure), but you clearly KNEW what HER intention was, and you KNEW what YOUR intention was from the VERY beginning. It doesn't justify hurting another person, just because one has selfish needs.

 

If you had a daughter, and some jerk hurt her, I'm pretty sure you would know what I'm talking about. If it happened to your mother, or your sister, I'm pretty sure you would want to knock his teeth out. What you did was intentional. You know it.

 

You wouldn't know would you? You weren't the one who was hurt, so I guess to you, it doesn't matter. I'm just putting this nicely.

[BillyJean714]

So, what should I have done instead?

Don't go out with her in the first place. Save her the heartache. It feels like crap to be used, and have someone have emotional feelings for another person. It doesn't feel good to be with a partner who isn't completely there with you and for you, because they're crushing on someone else.

[finewhine]

I really don't understand those who are mad at you for dumping someone after three weeks. What is three weeks? Three weeks is a blip on the radar of life. Heck, three months is a blip.

 

I just dated someone for like seven, eight weeks and got dumped. Well, I wouldn't even call it getting dumped because it was under two months and I didn't consider myself this guy's girlfriend because, well, it was under two months.

 

Let me tell you, I in no way resent the guy who dumped me. Like your ex, I thanked him for ending things because they weren't working for him. I can say with all honesty that if he's dating someone else right now (and it's only been a week), I would not be bothered in the least. If he met someone the day after he dumped me, I wouldn't have been bothered. He didn't owe me anything.

 

Frankly, you don't owe anyone anything until you've built a relationship with them, something that takes longer than a few weeks or even a few months. Dating isn't about obligation, it's about figuring out whether or not you want to pursue a real relationship with someone.

 

Oh, and you don't need any time to get over a three week relationship. What's there to get over?

 

You did the right thing. No doubt about it.

[ILovePasta]

I think the 'problem' is that this forum is populated by alot of people who have been in the shoes of your ex girlfriend. We (collectively speaking) feel her pain, and while you have moved on to another person, we were left wondering about her.

 

It is good to know that she is 'glad' that you were honest, and I think it's equally good that you were in fact honest with her. Part of me knows that overall you did the right thing, given the circumstances. No sense in stringing your ex along, only to break her heart in the future. You were aware of your feelings for the other person, made a decision and moved forward. I commend you for at least taking action whereas it seems many others are so indecisive and end up in a worse situation months or years later.

 

However, the other part just feels for your ex. I think alot of us can relate to that situation and it blows rocks. You never went indepth into your relationship with her; granted it was only 3 weeks... which is honestly an incredibly short amount of time to have any serious emotional attachment (imo). But this is a relationship forum, and sometimes we tend to ignore that fact. All we see is: guy has gf. guy meets new girl. guy dumps gf for new girl. guy is scum.

 

My initial irritation with your post had more to do with putting myself in your ex's shoes. Regardless, you did in fact do the right thing. It is easy to criticize when you are an outsider looking in, but honeslty....

 

I'm willing to bet that if alot of the people who give advice/opinions were in the same situation as you, at least half wouldn't have even had the moxy to be honest with the ex about the whole situation. So I give you props.

[Dako]

LIMT has a new challenge.

Dating a co-worker can be complicated.

 

Total togetherness!

[finewhine]

Pasta - it's true. The ex must have been hurt. Even when the guy I discussed above dumped me, I felt terribly hurt for a couple days.

 

But - and here's the big but (and I have a big butt, isn't that convenient?) I got over it in about a week, and my "relationship" lasted well over twice as long as theirs did. What's a week of pain? Absolutely nothing.

 

Maybe I'm just not that empathetic towards the girlfriend 'cause I've been through far, far worse breakups, the last one leading me to post on message boards and the like. If this is the worst breakup this girl ever experiences, she's an incredibly lucky individual. It sounds like a win-win situation. Who wants to date someone who's ambivalent about them, irrespective of their reasonings?

[BillyJean714]

I'm not saying that it was wrong for you to break up with her. You did the right thing.

 

However, based on the previous thread he provides, to me, when someone clearly knows what the other person's intentions are from the beginning, and they still pursue the relationship KNOWING they don't have the same intentions as the other person, I just think it's wrong.

 

It NEVER feels good to feel betrayed.

[finewhine]

Is that really a betrayal? That's a little harsh. Yeah, he probably shouldn't have pursued that relationship. It also sounds like they got serious a little too fast. Live and learn, right?

[LostInMyThoughts]

Get of your high-horse. You're making a whole hell of a lot of assumptions, and they are all bogus.

 

I didn't get into a relationship having any intention of ending it. How dare you accuse me of that.

 

When I met my ex, I wanted a relationship with her. After some time, I realized that was a mistake and I ended it. How is that wrong?

 

I didn't start a relationship thinking "Well I'll try this out just cuz I can't have this other person."

 

You don't know anything about me, so don't you dare say I don't know what it's like to be hurt. I know very much the pain of *REAL* betrayal; like finding out my ex-wife had an affair while we were still married.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I understand that it was painful. Life is painful. I tried my best to not make it worse that it had to be. People get dumped, it sucks, but I did what was best for me.

 

I wasn't a jerk about it. I told her my feelings and was honest with her.

 

I didn't use her at all. I *wanted* to make a relationship work with her. It was a struggle for me to end things; but in the end I chose what I chose.

 

It sucks, and I felt really bad doing it; but in my heart I *know* I did the right thing.

 

What I don't like is being called a jerk for standing up for my feelings and being honest. If you don't like what I did; fine you are all entitled to your own opinions; don't judge me and trash me on this forums.

 

Especially by saying I'm a user, jerk, inconsiderate, etc. Cuz thats BS and anyone who spends 5 minutes with me knows thats the case.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I'm not saying that it was wrong for you to break up with her. You did the right thing.

 

However, based on the previous thread he provides, to me, when someone clearly knows what the other person's intentions are from the beginning, and they still pursue the relationship KNOWING they don't have the same intentions as the other person, I just think it's wrong.

 

It NEVER feels good to feel betrayed.

 

I never had that intention from the begging. I never intended to break up. Breaking up with someone is something that is really hard for me to do.

 

I'm the type of person who would rather sit in an unfulfilling relationship, instead of hurting the person by breaking up with them.

 

But I knew that if I stayed I would have ended up either unhappy, or end up really hurting her later in life.

 

I manned up and did the right thing. I never dated this girl thinking I was just waiting around for someone else. I had every intention of giving it my all. I found that no matter how hard I tried; I couldn't. So I ended it.

 

It sucks. If my ex is *that* devastated; I'm sorry, but it was only 3-weeks.