what to do when someone likes you but is still incredibly vague and indecisive!!

[SarCareBear]

okay here's the deal. me and the guy i like have known eachother for like 2 months, go to college together live in the same dorm. we've basically been mutually into eachother since day one, but earlier on talked about holding off any relationship until things were more settled in terms of this whole brand new environment and such. in that time we've become pretty good friends adn my attraction to him is as strong as ever.

 

so flash forward to two months later... we were both a little tipsy and i made a move on him, just a kiss, and he basically turned away. he text messaged me as soon as we had parted ways to say, basically, not to take it personally and he thinks its for the own good of not messingup our friendship.

 

so flash forward to one night later... i told him i really needed to talk, and he was cool with that so we went outside to talk. i told him basically how i feel, and told him i was interested in starting something with him, and he was extremely wishy-washy, saying he doesn't know, but he doesn't want to say no to something happening in the future, that it's not me and that i'm great and awesome and he knows we'd basically be great together. but that he just can't say yes right now, that he's 50/50, can't decide.

 

so i told him, obviously i'm not going to sell him on me, if he's not into me then he's not. we went back inside and hugged goodnight like usual before some people interrupted, and that was that.

 

do his words mean just that?? i really like this guy so much, and he even knows he was giving me BS reasons for not wanting to get involved, so what's the deaL?? he is such a sweet guy who is also very high-strung and tends to worry about everything. what can i possibly do here??

[KissMe_KillMe]

man that sucks..

i would make sure he sees what he would be getting in the relationship...

like just kinda show your true colors around him.. smile alot, hang out with friends.. make sure he sees you with guys

 

i dont know its a tuffy.

[Fisch]

Are you both freshmen? Ill play devils advocate, not gonna lie, most freshmen boys want to leave their options open because they are entering a time where there is going to be a loooooot of girls around, thus it is often harm to "tame" this species at this time in their life. Granted he doesnt seem to want to use you for sex which is a good sign. I am obviously making assumptions and this is just one possibility. Maybe there is someone else he is thinking about, or maybe he just does not want a relationship at this time in his life. I was simply giving one very common reason among guys (and girls) in college why this might be true. My advice: keep friendly, keep flirty if you feel that it is right. Enjoy life and dont save yourself for this guy, he wont blame you (assumption, but a good one I think). Youve made your case, the ball is probably in his court now, you dont want to pressure him, you want to seduce him. Just dont make it too obvious lol. Be yourself and enjoy whatever relationship you have, dont make too big a deal of things with this guy as hard as that may be. Good luck

[annie24]

I think fisch has a good point - he may be feeling like a "kid in a candy store" with all these women around, and he may not feel strongly enough about you to want to "settle down" with you in a relationship right now. he probably wants the freedom to be able to go out to parties, meet other girls on friday and saturday nights, and he's not yet sure if you're the one for him. ie, "he's just not that into you" - or not enough to call you his at this time.

 

you know what... I'd move on. I mean, stay sort of friends with this guy, but write him off for now. when he says he doesn't want to close any doors, it's very wishy washy. it's like saying it may rain next week or it may not. who knows?? you can't rule anything out.

 

i also think now you should go off and meet some other guys. hang out with others. sometimes, (and I've had this experience), if he sees that you are moving on and not waiting for him, that may be enough to make him want to "claim" you before some other guy snags you up.

 

good luck!

[Batya33]

In general if a man is truly interested in you AND emotionally available, he will ask you out on a proper date. Here it sounds like definitely the second part is missing - he is not emotionally available for a relationship with you - he wants to keep his options open. Also in general, listen to what people say, not what you hoped they said. He told you he is not sure, so walk away completely from any idea of dating. If you have to keep being around him because you are in the same dorm, do so but I would keep my distance so that in the event he changes his mind and dates someone else and/or hooks up with someone else you won't be devastated. You continuing to be flirty will not change anything and might drive him away.

 

Also, in general, I don't know of any long term happy relationships where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning stages. I think you've done enough of the pursuing here and the ball is in his court.

[finewhine]

Batya - a college guy does not have to ask a girl on a proper date. I have no idea what kind of college you attended, but at my school, we hung out in groups, hooked up, what have you. There were no rules, really. Often, people coupled up, but I don't even think they went on proper dates then. At least I didn't! My boyfriend would take me to McDonald's sometimes, and he loved me more than anything. College is exempt from adult dating rules.

 

SCB - lay off this guy. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend. I'm not saying he doesn't like you, but he's playing the field any you should be, too. Do me a favor and enjoy college life, OK? There are so many available guys in college!

[bighair]

 

 

, and he was extremely wishy-washy, saying he doesn't know, but he doesn't want to say no to something happening in the future, that it's not me and that i'm great and awesome and he knows we'd basically be great together. but that he just can't say yes right now, that he's 50/50, can't decide.

 

so i told him, obviously i'm not going to sell him on me, if he's not into me then he's not. we went back inside and hugged goodnight like usual before some people interrupted, and that was that.

 

 

Hi - I read your post...and it reminded me of my college and grad school days, and well my recent adult dating experiences. I'm sure this dude sent you a lot of mixed signals. I've learned that when a guys is ambivalent about me it is best that I distance myself from him and let him take the initiative about pursuing me. Yes, it sucks that this guy just can't date you and act on his attraction towards you. But, he can't. But, I suggest that you back off and you know what...be insulted! Yes, be insulted. YOu're great, you have a good time together, he clearly sent signals he was into you, and now he says he's not sure about you. Forget him. The only way you're going to know if this guy wants to date you is to distance yourself, and let him pursue you. Men need to feel your absense in order to desire you.

 

Batya - a college guy does not have to ask a girl on a proper date. I have no idea what kind of college you attended, but at my school, we hung out in groups, hooked up, what have you. There were no rules, really. Often, people coupled up, but I don't even think they went on proper dates then. At least I didn't! My boyfriend would take me to McDonald's sometimes, and he loved me more than anything. College is exempt from adult dating rules.

 

SCB - lay off this guy. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend. I'm not saying he doesn't like you, but he's playing the field any you should be, too. Do me a favor and enjoy college life, OK? There are so many available guys in college!

 

Next, I agree with FW...go, have fun, meet guys, party (while maintaining your 4.0 ...I miss college for thse reasons...the constant social intereaction, learning new things, and feeling like my possibilites were limitless. Don't stress over this guy. there are others out there for you to meet.

[SarCareBear]

by the way, the way i work is that i can't play the field. it's just not my thing, i tend to have a one-track mind. not necessarily in an obsessive way, and i mean i know it's a good idea to hypothetically move on, but i am superr picky and it's not very often that i'm really into someone. so i guess this guy is just kinda important to me.

 

and yes, i am a freshman. any other comments and advice are still definitely appreciated, i can't help but be in a bit of a funk over it. i spent a couple months ignoring my feelings the best i could, throwing myself into work and school clubs and other friends and stuff, only to end up feeling kind of numb inside (he and i are in the same group of friends so he's always around anyway). and now that everything is inconclusively on the table, i guess i just don't know what to do.

[Batya33]

Batya - a college guy does not have to ask a girl on a proper date. I have no idea what kind of college you attended, but at my school, we hung out in groups, hooked up, what have you. There were no rules, really. Often, people coupled up, but I don't even think they went on proper dates then. At least I didn't! My boyfriend would take me to McDonald's sometimes, and he loved me more than anything. College is exempt from adult dating rules.

 

SCB - lay off this guy. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend. I'm not saying he doesn't like you, but he's playing the field any you should be, too. Do me a favor and enjoy college life, OK? There are so many available guys in college!

 

Then I think it should be something analogous that shows that he wants to spend time with the woman one on one in connection with an activity that he plans. When I was in college (mid 1980s)I dated several college guys who asked me out on proper dates in advance. There were also hookups that sometimes led to relationships for people but more often not.

[caro33]

Sorry that this has affected you like it has, and yes it can be difficult to contemplate getting out there or getting interested in someone else. I guess the overriding message here is do your best to not waste any more minutes of your life worrying about this guy or hoping he will change his mind. There really are plenty more fish in the sea, all the more because you're in college and there is so much to do, so many people who you get thrown together with that you can bond with. So do whatever makes you happy for now, and just try and be open to new people - see where it takes you.

 

No easy answer for feeling better here, particularly with the shared friendship circle, sorry. Doesn't help I assume to say we've all been there? It definitely sucks. But you will move on in ways you can't even imagine right now, so believe in your future self and your worth and try not to compromise with this guy, even if he changes his mind. That cycle of hanging around with someone in the hope they'll change their mind about you is crushing to your self-esteem - do what you can to avoid it now while you can.

[MissDashwood]

So this is entirely my whole situation just about. Fisch is right. I also don't trust everything Batya says because I think there is a fine difference between 19-year old college guys and 20-somethings or older men who know how much time they can devote to someone and are actually interested in devoting their time to someone. In my case, I have been told recently by someone who knows the guy I like, that he is showing the most interest in any girl ever as far as she's seen (interest is in me) and yet feels he's probably not ready to start anything officially and doesn't want to be serious yet when there is such time constraints with homework and classes and various activities; not to mention the convenience of being so nearby.

 

It's given now that he's probably definitely interested in me but isn't sure if he wants to proceed further than friends now because of what I outlined above, and especially because he is rather different in that it has become clear he has never dated and is definitely a virgin and has specific standards he wants to live by when it comes to dating. I respect the fact that he views it as courtship basically and that you don't "court" someone unless you intend to be serious about it and take it as far as the relationship will go, quite possibly even if it leads to marriage.

 

That is how I am - I don't believe in casual dating and so if I am to "date" him, it has to be serious "courtship" in that it is allowed to lead to love and potentially marriage without any exceptions, such as "needing to see other people" or "not ready" or "never intended to get that involved." My guy is against such escapes from relationships because he believes in being "committed" to the person, and so it makes it difficult because he clearly has interest in me but isn't making moves to further anything. He believes in frienship first before anything else which I agree with, and so I'm content if that's the path we're going down because it could lead somewhere eventually. What makes it difficult is knowing how to judge whether or not it's all in your head or whether there truly are signs that he's possibly interested in more later and also wondering when it will happen.

 

In your case, I'm going to guess that perhaps he just doesn't feel like he has the time or energy to devote to "relationships" and that he may really be into you but is completely scared to get involved now when he's still sorting out other priorities. I'd say give it time and stay "friends" and all, but NEVER completely sever ties. I think that's silly because if he's truly a decent guy, why would you want to end all contact when you could have a very good friend otherwise? But don't scare him off either.

[Batya33]

I totally agree with you - I said from the beginning that if a man is interested AND available (and emotionally stable) with few exceptions he will ask you out on a date, or to go steady, etc. In this case you believe he is not available for a relationship - and that could very well be the case. The problem is as a matter of your ego you are concerned that perhaps he is not interested in you and that is the reason. Unfortunately, you cannot know and relying on what other people say is a little foolish particularly since you seem to know a lot about his standards.

 

I dated several men 19 and younger when I was your age including several college men - as did my friends. They were all driven and intelligent and ambitious - but found time to be in serious relationships if that was a priority. It's cool that he's not into that but I do not agree with your generalization.

 

Just be prepared that he may start dating someone else or change his mind about not wanting a casual date or fling - do not let yourself get emotionally attached and accept that no matter what the reason - availability or interest level - he is not interested in dating you at this time. I would move on and be self-protective. And I am not sure where you arrived at the conclusion that college grads can manage their time better or can figure out how much time they have to date. Most of my friends work intense and unpredictable hours - myself included - and somehow those of us who proritized relationships found the time.

 

I know it is hard to keep your ego out of it - I learned over time how to do that and it was very freeing to accept that a person might not be interested if he wasn't asking me out.