Falling for this man, should I allow myself to?

[ashleyyy]

How do people usually go from dating/seeing each other to being bf/gf? I don't have much experience with this, so please read and help if you can.

 

I am currently seeing a wonderful new man, funny, responsible, caring, intelligent, and sincere. We have seeing each other since September (moveis, bars, dancing, and of course just chilling at home). I've known him for a few years before this, so he's not a random person. Things are going very well, it seems like both of us are enjoying each other. We recently had sex, I lost my virginity to him last week. He was very caring and made that first time way special, plus made sure that the next times were just as nice.

 

For me, making out and sex are very emotional, and I'm happy that I waited to lose my virginity to him, since we both feel so good together. He's told me that he too, places a lot of emotional value on sex, and it was sooo visible in his actions. I am just wondering if I should be expecting to be asked to be in a relationship, or do most people not ask that, and just let thing happen, or is there so "talk"???? I'm asking because I'm definitely falling for him, and I'm scared that if he's not planning on a relationship, I might not be able to catch myslef in time.

 

Thanks for your help!

[Beec]

I think if you could read his mind, you'd probably find he already thought he was in a relationship.

[ashleyyy]

I think if you could read his mind, you'd probably find he already thought he was in a relationship.

 

Thanks for the reply. Do most people voice those thoughts, or is moving into the bf/gf stage kind of an unspoken thing? I mean, will he voice these thoughts?

[Batya33]

For me it has typically worked this way with my long term relationships. In the first few dates, the man says that generally he is looking for a long term relationship. Within the first month he initiates a discussion where he wants to make sure I know he is not dating anyone else and wants to be exclusive. I would never have s_x with someone before confirming exclusivity both for emotional reasons and health reasons (no matter what protection is used, I would want to make sure he was tested for STDs and had been celibate for at least the past 6 months.

 

I would talk to him today and find out what his intentions are. If he is as great as you say he is and you were willing to be that intimate with him you should feel comfortable asking that question. Next time, I would ask before having s_x.

[ashleyyy]

Hey, thanks for the reply! I think that I'll talk to him today, it's not that I would be uncomfortable talking to him about that, but that I didn't know how things usually progress, esp. in the US, baing from a different culture and never really having been dating.

 

You have a good point about not confirming exclusivity, I need to be sure that he's working towards being exclusive, for pure emotional reasons. I had the health ones checked out before sleeping with him.

[Dako]

To me it's unspoken until one day you both realize you're a pair.

A natural progression, and I prefer it that way.

 

I guess I'm an idiot romantic.

[Beec]

Thanks for the reply. Do most people voice those thoughts, or is moving into the bf/gf stage kind of an unspoken thing? I mean, will he voice these thoughts?

 

I have rarely had such discussions or voiced such thoughts or been asked the question. Normally, it just is.

 

If you want to ask, phrase the question as an either or type of thing: am I your girlfriend, are we in a relationship; OR are we just dating, and I can date whoever I want.

[ashleyyy]

Daco and Beec, thanks for the advice!

 

I like to think that things will progress naturally as well.

 

Would it be ok to have to talk to kind of see where he thinks this is heading, not exactl a commintment talk, bu more to see what I can expect? Or, are there actions of his I should be on the lookout for?

 

Sorry about all these questions, but after a long failed relationship, I want to be sure that this time, it will be better for both the people involved.

[Beec]

I think it's not any specific action, it's about how much he puts into the relationship, which already exists. If his effort and thought is put inot making you feel loved, then what else should you be looking for? If he does that, what else is there?

 

Also, few men have sex with a virgin multiple times, unless he wants them for more than just sex. If a man wants to just break you in and notch the bed post, once is enough.

[Dako]

To me, asking for some indication of where it's going is fine once things are progressing, but to nail down every point would put me off.

Lots of that info is offered up voluntarily by a caring guy, and shows his sincerity. If not, maybe he's not all that.

[ashleyyy]

I think it's not any specific action, it's about how much he puts into the relationship, which already exists. If his effort and thought is put inot making you feel loved, then what else should you be looking for? If he does that, what else is there?

 

Also, few men have sex with a virgin multiple times, unless he wants them for more than just sex. If a man wants to just break you in and notch the bed post, once is enough.

 

Well, he makes me feel loved and wonderful for sure, whatever it is that we do. You are very right. I think that I just realized that this is an issue I have from the past. This is the first time that I'm feeling thes things, that I feel loved by someone other than y ex...and I guess that it's a feeling that I want to be sure of. You're right though...I analyzed out "relationship" and maybe I should just let it be, grow etc? Thank you!!

[Beec]

There's an excellent analogy I read by the guy who maintains the link removed site. He liken stages of a relationship to different types of residences: just staying the night; renting for a year; and buying the house. ON a first date, we are only there for the night, enjoying the place, doing whatever, but not hanging pictures, painting the walls, moving in furniture. When we rent, we being to improve the aptartment for ourselves, we put in some effrt. On a first date we enjoy each toher's company, not much else. When we begin planning future dates, putting in effort to make the person feel a certain way, working at it, then we are more like renters. When we begin to think about marriage, we are looking to buy.

 

Is your guy just visting or is he renting? If he is renting and improving the apartment, then you should be too.

[Batya33]

I have rarely had such discussions or voiced such thoughts or been asked the question. Normally, it just is.

 

If you want to ask, phrase the question as an either or type of thing: am I your girlfriend, are we in a relationship; OR are we just dating, and I can date whoever I want.

 

In my humble opinion that is taking a huge risk with your health if intimacy is involved.

[ashleyyy]

Wow, this indeed is a great analogy! When I read that, I realized that this guys is renting, that he is past the " staying the night" stage. The way that he acts, alks, and cares,makes me want to make him feel like I feel when I'm in his company. Thank you for this analogy!

[Beec]

In my humble opinion that is taking a huge risk with your health if intimacy is involved.

 

Batya33, I'm not telling you not to have such conversations, only that they have in my experience usually never happened. When someone acts like they are committed, they usually are or will tell you so anyway.

[blueangel]

Thanks for the reply. Do most people voice those thoughts, or is moving into the bf/gf stage kind of an unspoken thing? I mean, will he voice these thoughts?

 

For the most part, it can be an unspoken understanding. If he's there, he's commmited. From what I've read, he's REALLY there on many levels... so you have nothing to worry about.

 

Accept and celebrate what is happening. Don't try to control it or reason about it. I did that and almost lost someone very special to me because I kept thinking too much into it. You will understand a relationship as it grows, but there is no way to really know what another is thinking. You just have to trust your own heart... and follow the passion within.

[NJRon]

I have had enough experience to be pretty explicit in my delaings. That means that, if each one of you have not said that you are exclusive, then you have to assume that you aren't. I have had too many "miscommunications" happen to not want to nail down some basic things... namely, exclusivity.

 

Outside of that, it's fine to let the relationship progress without checking on exactly where things are for a while.

[Batya33]

Batya33, I'm not telling you not to have such conversations, only that they have in my experience usually never happened. When someone acts like they are committed, they usually are or will tell you so anyway.

 

And I have had and known of the opposite experiences, many times over. Typically the woman says "but we talk every day and see each other every weekend - he can't be seeing someone else!" - but without "the talk" of course he can and he may or may not be at the moment. It doesn't mean the person actually is seeing others - but they may like the benefits of acting like a couple while still wanting to keep options open. That is fine as long as there has been no promise of exclusivity.

 

I will never understand why someone would have s_x with another person without confirming exclusivity or at least monogamy if that person did not feel comfortable with casual s_x.

[Batya33]

Wow, this indeed is a great analogy! When I read that, I realized that this guys is renting, that he is past the " staying the night" stage. The way that he acts, alks, and cares,makes me want to make him feel like I feel when I'm in his company. Thank you for this analogy!

 

Despite what your impression is I hope you confirm that it is true, for the sake of your health (and your heart).