Urgent, Need Answer B4 Tonight Help

[nubspeace]

 

Please advise… My boyfriends daughter of 5yrs old had been mentioning to her mother about he and I getting married and he finally after 3-4 weeks of holding this in told me about it and wanted to know if I had been talking to her about it. (he and I have only been together 4 mos.) I told him no way that I would never talk to the daughter like that behind his back and we had not even said I love you to each other yet and that not at all is what I’ve been thinking. This is the truth. We came to the conclusion because he said his daughter adores me that it is probably what she wants and thinks it’s what should happen next like what happened with her mom and husband. Then he said he was thinking I was also making all these plans for the future and planning on moving into his home.

 

Now…when he and I had only been together about a month we were up at his dads camp and I was thinking at the time of selling my home and getting a home on the lake and he made the comment of “yeah, then you could move in with me”. I was freaked a little since we had only been together a short time and said “yeah right”. Worried I sounded rude I just kind of dropped the subject and hoped he didn’t take offense. (which he did not seem to at all…things progressed fine). Than when it was getting closer to me making the decision of selling my home or not, he made the comment of “well, where will you live?”. And I said in just a off the cuff remark nothing serious “I’ll just move in with you”. And he did not answer. Subject dropped and I’ve been just moving along with things. So when he made this comment after the daughter thing….I said, “no, this wasn’t my intent but you did make the comment first”. which at this point he said he did not remember saying and I reminded him of where we were and what was said. He still didn’t remember but said ok accepting what I said as the truth. Then he said “he felt after what I had been through with my previous relationship (drug addict x-husband and me not being able to have kids of my own). That he thought maybe I was clinging on to him cause he had kids and he was responsible and was trying to push things along too quick.

 

I said that was defiantly not the case and I was hanging on a little to tightly cause I felt hime pulling away the past 3-4 weeks. (which was happening cause he was thinking all these were going on and looking at me in a different light for the past 3-4 weeks….damage done). He said he has feelings for me and we have a good time but then the feelings don’t stick…then we have a good time and he thinks this is great and then the feelings don’t stick and that by now he feels he should be having more feelings than what he is having. (again….only together 4mos. And looking at me in a different light for 3-4 weeks due to him not talking about it with me sooner.) Up until the few weeks ago we had a great relationship and time together….alot of fun, same interests etc….Well after hearing this I said “well if this is it than there is nothing more to say and I’ll just get my stuff from your house and he said I’m just trying to be honest and then I said ok then keep the stuff or throw it out it was only deodorant and a toothbrush and some perfume and he got huffy and said that’s why I don’t like having these conversations and I said well you can be honest that doesn’t mean I have to like what your saying. And then he says “and that is it ?”. well at this point I said “well, it is what it is. I can’t force you to be with me”. And he says “well, it wasn’t my intention to come here tonight and say this and never see you again”. And I said, well I can’t force you and it is what it is”. He said “well don’t you think I should have more substantial feelings by now?” “shouldn’t you know something like that when you first meet someone or if you’ve been friends for a long time and then realize that’s the one?” I said….”well, I’ve been in those situations before and still here I am single and I’ve been in situations where it took a while for feelings to grow and I think if your holding on for it to happen just one way, you may end up alone. There are so many different variables on how people get together and end up together that you just can’t predict these things.” He said he was just trying to be honest because (due to the above issues) he felt I was at a place in the relationship he was not and he didn’t want to hurt me or waste my time. Well at this point he had to leave and go meet his kids and I said take this stuff your daughter left and give it to her. And he said “no, you can come over tomorrow and give it to her yourself and do whatever you want”. I said I didn’t think that was a good idea for her and I too see each other anymore to carry this on and make it harder. He said he didn’t want to hurt me and was feeling pretty bad. When he left he didn’t take the stuff and said he would talk to me tomorrow. (I’m thinking…for what?), but didn’t say anything.

 

The next day I didn’t call him and he didn’t call me. The next day I called and asked him if we could get together and talk and he said “sure, when would you like to do this”. So we came up with a time. (should be tonight). In the meantime I had to borrow his truck to go get some wood for my wood stove and when I returned it he was showing me some tree’s he had been cutting down and asked me if I would help him move a couple doors he was painting (which I did). And when we were walking back from the woods he saw a turkey feather on the ground and picked it up and stuck It in my hair and said “there, you look like a little Indian”. We laughed and kept walking. When we got back to the house I said well I’ll talk to ya and he said ok and that was that. We will probably talk tonight. I’ve gotten many opinions on this and a lot of people are saying they think he was just trying to clear up where we were at and that I acted to hastely in ending things. I now do not know how to handle this conversation tonight. And I really don’t know where things stand or if I did act hastely or if he was trying to end it.

[Beec]

It seems to me like he was trying to let you know where he was and was not, and that did not involve ending things. However, the three preceding weeks probably did affect things a lot. As he thought you were pushing him, he withdrew. As he withdrew, you clung on. If I were you, I'd be asking what he wanted to do. It seems to me like you were a bit hasty.

[krnswte143]

you guys been together for only 4 month or so...that is like the beginning of learning how u and him are and what u both want.. to proceed and step forward or leave.. u guys should sit down and talk and see where u both stand.. if its going anywhere or if its just going no where. ask him what he really wants.. if he wants to be with u or not.. and ask urself if u want to be w/ him and if he is the one? i mean 4 month its kinda hard to tell where the relationship is going.. for some ppl it takes time to know if the person is the "one" or not.. so my suggestion is...have a serious talk to him and see what he wants and what u want..if u both match and are in the same page..then proceed and step forward. if not then u know what u need to do

[arwen]

Hey there,

 

I paragraphed your post to make it more readable so people won't stop half way and not reply!

 

I think it wasn't his intention to break up, but to slow down. I can see why he was scared things moved too fast, but some of the things seem really miscommunication. That is an issue by itself I think- he joked about the moving in thing at first and I can see why you thought things were too fast there, on the other hand it's strange that when the joke was on him he didn't take it that way

 

As for his daughter, I think he should realize that kids can say a lot of things-- she probably said this because she really likes you and her idea is if two people are in love they get married-- didn't we all think that when we were five? I think it's sad that a little sweet incident like that led to so much misunderstanding between the two of you. I wonder if this is a sign of just not understanding each others way of communicating, but i think it's too early in the relationship to really tell.

 

As for his feelings, that is the part that would concern me. First of all, feelings can change over night. For me, I have realized that this happened especially in the relationships I had that were short but 'fast' in the beginning. One time it took a guy 2 months to go from 'I want to marry you' and 'our children will... etc' to 'I realize that there is no spark'. Yeah, that was a slap for the ego.

 

His concern about you hanging on to him because he has kids, that must have been painful for you. I mean, you surely fancy him for other reasons, and a man who didn't want children could say the same thing, right? So I wonder why he felt he should say that.

 

Anyway, I think it's best to go with the flow. He can be scared of moving too fast, but I don't particularly get the idea that you in FACT see him as The One at this point either, right? Maybe you can address the miscommunication and take it from there. But keep in mind, on the long term a relationship full of misunderstandings and miscommunications can form a problem on itself!

 

Ilse

[krnswte143]

good job isle! , haha it was a bit hard to read it .

[dogheadma]

It sounds like you are both interested in continuing to see each other but have just had some miscommunication. Just discuss the issues with each other openly when you meet and between the two of you you should be able to get them sorted out. Both of you should take away from this that you need to be a little bit more open in the communication dept. Other than that, don't rush things and it looks like things could go well between the two of you. Best of luck to you!

[nubspeace]

you really think so? Wow. I thought i was being dumped and was not letting this go. I'm not sure how to start this conv. I'm leaving work in 1-1/2 hrs. and stopping there on my way home. Don't know at all how to start.