Warning Signs / Red Flags !!!!!

[ImThatGirl]

No, no - say it isn't so! These have to be warning signs?

[annie24]

No' date=' no - say it isn't so! These have to be warning signs?[/quote']

 

what are you talking about?

[BONO]

I think a BIG warning side to on oncoming breakup is the sex stops.

 

With qualification.

 

Reduced sex drive could be for various reasons for example stress, SAD, sickness.

 

To qualify this red flag, I think you perhaps need to look deeper before drawing that conclusion.

 

 

Scruff

[annie24]

yeah, I think with any of the warning signs, you have to look at the whole picture.

 

ie, someone could be withdrawing because of an illness in the family, or troubles at work.

[BONO]

yeah, I think with any of the warning signs, you have to look at the whole picture.

 

ie, someone could be withdrawing because of an illness in the family, or troubles at work.

 

 

In fact, annie24 - some people might just get fresh on a Wednesday

 

Is it Wednesday yet ??

 

 

Lock your sons up, kids !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BONO]

1) they don't seem as excited to see you or spend time with you

2) they seem distracted while they are with you

3) they don't do things they used to - ie, if they always called on a monday night to see how your day was, that stops... or becomes not every week.

 

 

Annie ,

 

 

Just reading your response.

 

 

At what point would your points be perhaps a reaction to your behaviour.

 

 

We have looked at what we percieve as warning signs from our partners, but what if those warning signs are a *indirect* response to our own patterns of behaviour, that we are not aware of ???

 

 

 

 

Scruff

 

PS last post was a joke - soz

[majord23]

Annie ,

We have looked at what we percieve as warning signs from our partners, but what if those warning signs are a *indirect* response to our own patterns of behaviour, that we are not aware of ???

 

Mate, I think that if via some introspection you discover that this is potentially what is happening, then you adjust your behaviour accordingly (provided that you recogninse that your behaviour is unreasonable etc).

 

Your other option, if you suspect that this is the case but aren't sure, is to ask your partner.

 

I would hope that in a solid relationship, that these behaviours would be raised and discussed by 'the other half' before the red flags started appearing however.

[BONO]

Mate, I think that if via some introspection you discover that this is potentially what is happening, then you adjust your behaviour accordingly (provided that you recogninse that your behaviour is unreasonable etc).

 

Your other option, if you suspect that this is the case but aren't sure, is to ask your partner.

 

I would hope that in a solid relationship, that these behaviours would be raised and discussed by 'the other half' before the red flags started appearing however.

 

 

I agree.

 

 

Red Flags / Warning signs , can be due ( ironically ) to your own behaviour. Yep, YOU !!!

 

As such, this must be taken into account before jumping in and pointing the finger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Just read this again - not directed at YOU Major, a generic *YOU*

 

 

Scruff

[NCTuskie]

As usual, I often feel that my last situation was unique. With my ex having been in Army boot camp, it wasn't like we were together constantly.

 

When she graduated, we saw each other for only 3 days (the last time I've seen her). And we had two weeks worth of phone conversations since then. So having analyzed our last few weeks/days of contact... I deduced this...

 

1. No sex after graduation. After the break up a friend of mine (female) said that was a red flag to her. She said any woman who had been around other females for two months and deprived of sex, would have jumped my bones at the first chance. During the time we were together (which was a lot), I received little affection at all.

 

2. The day before she broke up with me, she didn't answer her phone. I had planned on visiting, her second Sunday at AIT. The day before I was working. I called her that day to make arrangements of when, and where to meet her, but didn't get a call. When sunday came around, I made other plans, because I didn't want to drive 3 hours to visit her for no reason.

 

She called later that afternoon. She cut the conversation short, but didn't end it with "I love you" or anything like that. That same night she broke up with me.

 

Looking for red flags does less for pinpointing when it went wrong, than it does bring up other instances that causes me to think.

[BONO]

Warning signs are just that.

 

You have 2 options. Ignore them or respons accordingly.

 

To do nothing will result in pouting over these pages of " getting back together "

 

 

 

Scruff

[blender]

the biggest sign for me that I DID NOT CHOOSE TO SEE, came from my own behavior, I was starting to "walk on eggshells" to keep him happy... that is a HUGE RED FLAG.... how long did I think I could keep "adjusting myself" to make HIM stay? YUK,

 

even thou it took me almost a year to get over him leaving, I am now full of gratitude that he didn't stay, "walking on eggshells" can become an addictive habit and one that is hard to break and even after he left I wish I had "walked even more lightly" but that is was only my broken heart talking...

 

Thank god, common sense and REALITY set in, and the gift of "acceptance" on my part that real, healthy, mature, loyal, respectful, long term LOVE does NOT require "walking on eggshells" to keep someone else happy...

 

so I'd have to say the biggest RED FLAG or WARNING SIGN that a break up is pending is that you are "depending your happiness on the other" and that YOU are starting to lose your sense of "self" in the relationship..

[BONO]

(((((((((((( Well Said )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Bumped for Drum4God

 

 

Scruff

[Frangipani]

I read lots of self help books way before I met my ex, I thought I was ok.

 

- no sex when there used to be A LOT, like 5 times a week

- stops doing something he REALLY loved to do sexually (eg going down on me) and doesn't do it again at all.

- says he's to tired for sex ehen you know hes a night owl

- doesn't look at you naked anymore

- doesn't call you the names he used to on a daily basis ('beautiful' was mine)

- would rather sit in the bath with a book for 3 hours at night (I kid you not) than have sex with you

- would rather sit and play solitaire onhis lapto for hours than have sex with you

- you come home from a trip away for 7 days and all he wants to do when he gets home is have a bath and read

- doesn't respond to flirty sexy texts

- doesn't reply at not many texts when you are out of town

- spends more nights out with boys

- never compliments you about anything

- you end up having to initiate holding his hand whereas he used to be all over you in public!!!

and the final clincher for me....

- goes out with the boys on a Friday night and doesnt get home til 10am on Saturday morning. Doesn't even bother to call when i have been up worried half the night!!!

[Zorba]

The drop off in sex is a big red flag. Like others have said a drop off in contact or interest is another. I've seen them all, I've done some myself.

 

 

 

You can still be caught out though. I have been before on two occasions and as it's halloween I'll I shall fill your hearts with tales of horror and woe..... Muhahahahahha.

 

[Cue organ music]

 

 

Sometimes there are no signs at all. Nada. Zip. Rein. The big zero. I looked back and looked hard and I couldn't see it and I would be the analytical type. Neither could her friends or her family. Completely out of the blue. One day great/normal/love you's/I'll be with you forever, etc, 24 hours later with someone else who she knew for less than an hour. Then she was "confused". I'm not bloody surprised in fairness to her!

 

the second one a few years back and this is a beeeeuuuaty. 1 year relationship. All going pretty good. No major issues. All good stuff. One night I'm over in her place for the weekend. Make love, very sweet and tender stuff, light on the gimp masks. All very nice. Lots of "I love you's" and "you're my life" etc. I had to meet someone the next morning so off I went after breakfast together and more of the naughty stuff.

 

We were to meet up later that afternoon. I get a phonecall late morning. She needs to "talk". Now normally that would send up flares, but I didn't think anything of it because of no other signs at all. So I meet her as arranged and everything seems fine and then she drops the bomb. She met someone at a business meeting and thinks she may be in love with him and that she's meeting him later that night and it might be better if I go home for the weekend...... Hmmmmmm says I. Well actually what I said at that point would fill this post with red asterixes(asterixi?).

 

Of course she came back 8 months later out of the blue as they do. I think my response was Goodbye, but more using two words involving sex and travel......

 

Another one. A friend of mine was going out with this woman for 3 years. Engaged to be married. Wedding date set for the next year. Lovely couple, perfect together. Very nice. They go away for a weekend, with both sets of their parents. They have a romantic meal and go to the hotel bar and stare into each others eyes for a while. He's been driving all day and he's very tired, so he goes to bed first. The parents are still around so she's in conversation with them. She says she'll see him upstairs very soon. "Love you, Love you too baby" etc. He falls asleep. he wakes up from a deep sleep in the early hours of the morning worried about her. Goes downstairs and can't find her. The parents thought she went up to bed soon after.

 

An hour passes and she finally shows up. She tells him she can't marry him now as she's met someone else.[Cue organ music again]. Yep she met someone at the bar earlier. the barman as it turned out. She "falls in love" and dumps the fiancee on the spot. can't explain it to him, her parents and friends or even herself. She claimed she still loved my friend, but.....

 

She lived with the barman for 2 years. She finally left after he beat her up just one too many times. You would think the first punch might do it but....

 

Of course she contacted my friend the ex after that, looking for a second chance. I'm proud to say he told her to take a long walk off a short pier. He's happy now with a great woman. Even horror stories have a happy ending....

 

Tune in for more tales of woe from the broken heart crypt of love...

[tushboy]

For me it was weird, it didn't seem like RED flags but now I can see them glaring in my face

 

- When you are the one travelling to meet them, they never come

 

- You are the one who keeps calling and checkin on them

 

- They still talk mention their EX when you together

 

- They are not too excited about the Sex

 

- They are flirty with others when you around

 

 

Sigh, just reminds me how I could fall for some one who so WASNT in love with me , just pretended to be

[Zorba]

Talking about or being still in contact with the ex is a big red flag, especially if they go straight to you soon after. It usually means they're still not over the ex and the slightest hiccup and they will often go back to them.

[papalazarou]

Talking about or being still in contact with the ex is a big red flag, especially if they go straight to you soon after. It usually means they're still not over the ex and the slightest hiccup and they will often go back to them.

 

CAVEAT

Very true mate but sometimes when kids are involved you have to be in contact with the ex!

 

But I do know what you mean!!

[Eastend_Chic]

1) they don't seem as excited to see you or spend time with you

2) they seem distracted while they are with you

3) they don't do things they used to - ie, if they always called on a monday night to see how your day was, that stops... or becomes not every week.

 

Bingo. Yep.

[emalkoc]

1. If they look not smiling in their last fotos anymore...

2. if they start having private conversations or hiding computer screen - big no!

3. The arguments increased for no reason, and you dont understand why they are irritated.

 

that's what I learned.

[Optigan]

This is an excellent thread (though it might be more frequented and useful on Healing and/or Breaking Up sections.

 

I guess most of the typical red flags have been already metnioned here, and it's stunning to see how typical these things are.

 

You name it, I probably had it waved at me.

 

Irritability.

Nothing I do seems right.

Flourishing of interests outside the relationship and problems synchronizing.

Lack of affection.

Lack of sex.

General innovations in behaviour, not good ones (drinking and stuff, for example).

Losing interest in my interests.

Losing respect for my work.

Associating with people I can't stand, or at least find questionable.

Disregard, or questioning of, my general values, especially concerning relationships.

Wantning to turn me into something I'm not.

(...)

 

But the queen red flag is the following:

 

 

Or, perhaps, let's put it this way:

 

The greatest red flag of all is if the relationship starts making you feel like crap, although you are sure you are in love with, and love, your partner.

 

However weird it may sound, perhaps this one is the easiest to not see.