Need Urgent Advice Pleeeese ...

[futychick]

Hi all...

long time since i been on here...

the story is......my husband left me suddenly 7 mths ago....he having some kind of midlife crisis / depression....??? has a lot of other issues apart from us..eg fear of dying and scared to live with anyone as cant cope with responsibilities...

he is now having counselling....been 3 times so far..

we had a lot of problems in our marriage due to his EVIL ex wife who blackmailed him over the kids etc....

he recently admitted that if not for the trauma she put him and us through then we would be ok and together...

we have been seeing each other for walks, meals out, cinema, etc...once a month to start with and now weekly...we kiss and hug and hold hands and outwardly are just a normal couple except we arent as we live apart...

he has mellowed towards me recently and every now and then I see the husband i used to know ...not this one that seems to have been taken over by an alien...!!!!

he told me he still loves me and fancies me but is stuck into coming back to our marriage fully....

he told me that if he didnt think there was a chance for us to reconcile then he wouldnt be seeing me like he does...

so far i have given him the space to think ...

HOWEVER tomorrow we are meeting and going for a walk...and are going to talk more seriously...abt his feelings / us etc..../ the future ...if any....

and i gues im scared cos i want to handle it well so i dont scare him ....

I know he still loves me..i can see it in his eyes..and last week..when i told him i still loved and cared for him he broke down in tears in the restaurant and hugged me so tight ....

have any of you got any advice for me ???? so i dont mess it up ????/

i would be SOOOgrateful cos my head hurts thinking of all this....

 

love and hugs to you all....

 

futychick xxxxx

[avman]

Sounds like taking it very slow is the way to go. From what you have described, going quickly or asking for some sort of timetable would scare him away.

 

If he's only been to counseling 3 times then he is really just getting started. He has a ways to go before he really gets to understanding what is going on with him.

 

Do you think suggesting some joint counseling would be beneficial? That gives you both a safe place to have some discussions about where things are going and discover whether there is an opportunity to reconcile.

[Beec]

Urgent advice? I don't know what's so urgent, because, quite frankly, you seem to be doing fairly well right now. From what you describe, you have a man who is pretty attached to you emotionally, and what more could you ask for from him. Yes, something more, a real marriage and a man who acts like a man and a real husband.

 

Seeing as he seems to be heading in the direction of wanting to be that, don't change too much of what you have been doing. However, I would let him know that you will have some expectations if you do get back together. What those are, that's up to you. How do you think a man should act as a husband? I think you should read my signature below, and think about it. Love is not jut how you feel. It's all about how you treat people, and how you treat him, and how he treats you is also important. And he need to know that you'll expect him to live up to some set of criteria.

 

And after you let him know you have expectations, follow that right up with you knwoing he can live up to it, because you know him.

 

Good luck.

[gemsie]

I really don't know!!! I agree that taking things slow is probably the best option. I just wanted to say I hope things go well for you tomorrow and your husband is very lucky as I don't think many people would be so understanding. Hopefully your husband will come through this shortly and you can get things back to normal

[papalazarou]

I had a similar thing happen to me with my girlfriend it was on an earlier post. I did get this which I found extremely helpful:

 

pap,

 

As for depression...be careful. Been in a relationship like that and became an enabler (I had no idea what to do) and made it tremendously worse for her. Stepping back and taking care of yourself is paramount. Go here: link removed

 

As for her pushing you away...in depression sometimes, her coper is broken or failing. Coping with a relationship can sometimes be too much to handle...even dealing with the little things in the day...all too much. She's pushing you away for a reason..self preservation. Back away. Support her...be as unobtrusive as possible.

 

-Y.