My boyfriend has this really bad habit of being dishonest with me.

[englishpeony]

It's not even little white lies, at least not to me! He is loving and caring and we have fun. But- there's SO MANY THINGS HE LIES ABOUT! I'm convinced he must be some sort of pathological liar or something.

 

Right now I'm particularly angry because my birthday was October 29th. He's always talking about how he can't wait for birthdays and holidays with me because it will be "so special." Well for weeks now he had claimed he had reserved a $150 hotel room so we could celebrate (and drink at the bar, 'cause I was turning 21.) He kept talking about how much fun it would be and said he was gonna take me out and take me to get a tattoo (which was to be one of my presents) and get me some other stuff. Now I'm NOT a materialistic girl and don't judge by what I get from a man. But why the need to lie??

 

Anyhow a few days before my birthday he kept teasing me with stuff like, "you'll never guess what I got you, you're gonna love it!" and etc etc. Well, my birthday comes around... and all he does is say happy birthday (he called from work.) When he got home he never mentioned going ANYWHERE and didn't give me ANY present. Okay. Fine. Later his mom came by and brought me a cake she had made (it was very sweet) and two lovely candles. He tried to boast that he had given her the idea for the cake. (Um, perhaps but, she made the actual cake AND actually thought to buy me a gift. Again, it was very lovely.) After she left he presented me with a card, it was sooo obvious his mother had bought the card because she knew he wasn't gonna get me anything.

 

I had bought myself a bottle of vodka to celebrate and finally got the tipsy nerve to ask him about what happened to all those great things he was promising? He said the day before he went broke paying the light bill. Um, okay, but didn't you supposedly ALREADY get me the supposed present? Didn't you already pay for the room? And EVEN IF you HAD gone broke the day before, if you really considered me so special, wouldn't you have gotten something weeks ahead anyway???

 

It irks me SO MUCH, because he was making himself out to be so wonderful when it came to birthdays, and how much he wanted to do for me, and how special I am and how much he 'loves' me. Well, he told me in the beginning of our relationship that he had bought really fancy and expensive things for his wife, like a $400 coat. And he bought her a nice car, which is still in his name. I know this stuff to be fact. I don't WANT any $400 thing or a car or anything like that, nor would I expect it. I would have been so perfectly content with a quiet celebration at home, with even a damn $5 gift from Walmart. It's not the amount of money, but the fact that he cared enough to do something special like he lied and said he was gonna do. Why couldn't he be honest? ANd why did he slack so much? Why is he always lying about stuff? I told his mom about this and she just said, well he's always been like that, he always lies about little stuff. Little stuff? My butt.

 

I rather view this like a slap in the face. Am I overreacting?

[robowarrior]

The bottomline is:

 

YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH A LIAR!

[rmpavlock]

That's annoying. He doesn't sound very reliable, and you are not overreacting. How long have you been with him?

[SarahRose]

His mother gave you a very very strong hint about his true nature if you are willing to listen to it. His own mother knows he is a liar so what does that tell you?

[englishpeony]

I've been with him 10 months. Also, his mother said that though he tends to lie a lot (like his father, who she's divorced from), that he's goodhearted (Unlike his father). But of course, that's a mother's loving view...

[peterrabbit]

i think lying is a sign of weakness in character generally. Especially lying about things like these. And it inhibits the growth of trust, which you need in any successful relationship.

 

Sometimes people grow out of it, but I wouldn't hang around hoping for that day to come. Essentially, you've been around long enough in this relationship to have a inkling of what you are dealing with, and I think you know that it's not good for you.... otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it.

 

Perhaps you should confront him about his lying. He may be defensive at first, but see what his reaction is when he calms down. That should tell you whether this relationship is worth saving or not. If he admits he has a problem and wants to work on it, I would say give it a chance (if you really love him, that is). Any other answer is anathema.

[englishpeony]

Thanks for your input, and it was really awesome advice. I actually did just that the other night; talked to him about it. I gave him an ultimatum. I told him the lying stopped and he got some sort of help for it, or I was out the door. I told him that if we're supposed to be a couple, and he considers me a 'best friend', then he needs to trust me enough to be honest with me. He listened and he agreed with me and said he wants to be honest with me. He said he wants to go to counselling for it and asked me if I would go with him.

 

Of course, he could just be saying that cause he thinks it's what I want to hear... but maybe not.