My break-up story.. Am I wrong??

[Riggz41510]

We've been together 3 years now. She asked me how did I feel about getting married? I told her that there is no benefit in marriage for men, and if we don't work out that she would be able to give me a nice raping in court. She gave me the oh "well I'm not that kind of girl".. Well I wouldn't know if you are until we are in divorce court.. I would rather not take that chance.

 

She's not a religious buff and neither am I. I then ask her to tell me what the benefits of marriage are, meaning what can we do MARRIED, that we can't do just being TOGETHER? Here is her list:

 

1. someone to grow old with

2. someone to lay with every night

3. its the ultimate level of commitment

4. Security

5. Love

 

All of the above with the exception of "someone to grow old with" can be achieved without marriage. You can still even get that(growing old together) without being married, but for argument sake I will give her that one!! Just because we get married there is no guarantee its going to work and we are going to grow old together.

 

Some may say the tax benefit. Well if you make good financial investments, and have great write offs the money you will save from the tax credit will all even itself out anyway..

 

Lets move on to the stupidest thing ever invented "Alimony".. Why in gods name should someone still have to give their ex money after a break up?? Could you imagine your wife waking up saying "oh honey, I'm not in love with you anymore, I have a new guy friend and I want a divorce" but you still have too pay her $$$$$ every month until she remarries.. Huh???

 

Well I'm 29 I make close too $150,000. I own a few pieces of property and I'm a pretty well rounded decent guy.

 

She makes $48,000 she has 2 children and lives in a apartment. Who do you think would benefit most? Sure she loves me, but love doesn't pay bills.

 

So she told me that she could no longer be in a relationship with a person who is so fixated on finances. So I suggested well lets sign a prenup, she says "real love shouldn't come with a contract". Well last I checked a marriage license is a form of a contract, isn't it? I asked her if financial security plays no role in you wanting to marry me, why wouldn't you sign a prenup? Its no different than insurance. You get insurance "in case" something happens. All I want to do is protect what I have worked so hard to achieve.. Its so funny how I'm the bad guy because I want to protect my finances.. Why should I have to go broke just in case we don't work out? Statistcally, men make more then women. So if divorce does come up 8 times out of 10 the man is paying alimony, or splitting property etc.. I feel I should leave with what I came with!!

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I think when the time comes, I'll also sign a prenup, as I have property now and money in the bank.

 

I think that a good case can be made either for or against marriage.

 

ultimately - do you love her? want to be with her the rest of your life? do you want to take care of her and have her take care of you? if the answer is no, then it would be best for you two to part ways.

[jimthzz]

it looks like you are doing just that--leaving with what you came with!

 

You make some valid points about marriage strictly as a financial question. But you fail to get the female mind, the woman who's ended her relationship with you over this.

 

You can protect what is yours and build a future with a woman even in a marriage. You can even get a prenup signed. But you need finesse to accomplish that. You have to give her something that will prove to her she means something to you. Otherwise, the next girl and the next girl and so on will always be insulted about the prenup.

[annie24]

I know that you are trying to protect your finances and all.... but you just lost a woman. how much does she mean to you? if not so much, then it is good she left.

 

you can't put a price tag on true love though. if you found someone who loves you and makes you happy, are you really willing to let them slip away so easily?

[rose2summer]

Wow, since when was marriage all about who gets what in terms of finances?

 

I think you may have already decided on a life of bachelorhood and cannot see how marriage fits into your master plan.

 

If that is the case, it's best to let her know, as she was the traditional sense of a marriage, a communion between two loving individuals, that is not based on finances.

 

How do you feel about her? I just wonder if maybe you are not that in love with her to take the next step, but of course I am just speculating.

 

I personally would never sign a pre-nup and have made that clear to those I get remotely interested in for the long-haul as it feels as though I believe in divorce in my future (and I have had more assets than those I have dated), but that's me, and definitely not the opinion of others.

 

I hope you find a happy point you can meet her at.

 

Hugs, Rose

[rose2summer]

Statistcally, men make more then women.

 

That's really an average (so some men will make more, some less, to give that average), I have made more than my exes, so it really depends on the two individuals involved.

[itsallgrand]

Did you two break up over this?

 

I don't think either one of you are right or wrong. But, now you're arguing about it instead of communicating. So, you are both wrong! (or right, if you like).

 

She wants to get married.

You don't.

 

She sees marriage as security.

You see it as a threat to your own security.

 

One thing I definetly think you have done right in is in being clear that you do not want to get married to her. You don't trust her. That is what you are saying. Obviously, with marriage comes the kind of trust that things will work out....can't imagine going into a marriage right off the bat with doubts of 'just in case it doesn't go out, just in case she cleans me out'.

 

Real security obviously isn't just about money. Not in a relationship. It's about trust. A deep deep trust in the other person. Yes, that carries over into every aspect of your lives - including your money. And you seem to be the type of guy who values his dollars (I am not saying that is a bad thing at all). It carries a certain emotional currency as well.

 

You could ask yourself why you don't trust her. And she could look at the situation seeing you do not trust her, and either decide to leave the relationship completely or to stick it out if it is workable.

 

Is there any particular reason you do not trust her to act in your best interest - in any regards?

 

p.s. 'you know how women are...they live in fairy tales'. Umm, ??

 

Is your gf bad with money or a space cadet or something? Do you date moochers? What are you basing that on?

 

Women do not live in fairy tales. Though there are some people in the world who are out to lunch regardless of gender.

[PittItaliano]

To me, it sounds like you don't truly love this woman you are with right now. Everything you have mentioned has been very superficial. I can understand wanting to protect your finaces but they are all you talk about.

 

If you would rather grow old with your money than grow old with another person then that's what you deserve. Personally I would find that very lonely, money isn't the only thing that matters.

 

I agree with jimthzz. It seems like you didn't really show her that you care enough before presenting her with the prenup idea. I would be offended if my boyfriend said he didn't want to get married because of finaces and THEN approached me with a prenup. It sounds kinda like you went up to her and said that's the only way you'd marry her, with the prenup.

 

I don't blame her for wanting to leave your relationship to be honest. Maybe you should rethink your priorities.

[annie24]

p.s. 'you know how women are...they live in fairy tales'. Umm, ??

 

Is your gf bad with money or a space cadet or something? Do you date moochers? What are you basing that on?

 

Women do not live in fairy tales. Though there are some people in the world who are out to lunch regardless of gender.

 

yeah, I have known just as many men that badly want to get married and women that don't have any desire to.

 

and plenty of people are out to lunch, yep.

 

maybe you are dating the wrong women? maybe you should consider dating women who are in your income bracket, who are powerful women? maybe you'd feel they are less likely to take you for everything you have?

[rose2summer]

I have to agree with the others here as well.

 

You have to look at the long-term, do you want to be married and happy with your wife as she can care with you when you are older, women tend to live 8yrs longer than men. OR

 

Do you want to be a bachelor into old ago, taken to the cleaners in a nursing home, never have any visitors because you never had children, but have a big fat wallet?

 

You have to decide where your priorities lie.

 

I go the nursing home often and I see how sad it is to see these old men all alone there, with no one who cares about them, and the government gets their money when they leave this world, as they had no children to give it to or a wife to leave it to.

 

I think marriage is more than a financial investment, it's about love.

 

When you leave this world, do you say, wow, I was so successful, my bank account is filled with money that I can take with me or do you say I left a good mark on this world, I have wonderful children or I have made a great contribution to society.

 

Please look at it from all sides of the issue before deciding what is best for you.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Riggz41510]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I think when the time comes, I'll also sign a prenup, as I have property now and money in the bank.

 

I think that a good case can be made either for or against marriage.

 

ultimately - do you love her? want to be with her the rest of your life? do you want to take care of her and have her take care of you? if the answer is no, then it would be best for you two to part ways.

 

Why is it that whenever a man wants to protect his things, women get upset and say "its not true love", "you must not care about her" etc?? Women always say marriage is about security. So whats wrong with a man securing his financial future?

 

She is a great woman. I want to be with her and support her while we were together. I just don't want to get married. I love her dearly, but I simply have more to lose financially *IF* we don't work out. So whats wrong with me wanting to protect what little I have? Its obvious that people get divorces. So why not be protected if that does happen??

 

I will give her my all when we are together, we can share it all, but *WHEN* we or *IF* we split, it should be a clean break. Why should I still have to compensate her at all financially? Granted whatever is accumulated during marriage we can spilt, but if I had it before we got married, I should walk away with it..

 

You guys want us to sign a contract(marriage license)saying we love you and will be committed forever. For security right?

 

So whats wrong with a man wanting a contract saying, that he can leave with what he came with?? Just for our security?

 

In the great words of Chris Rock. "I'm supposed to move back home with my momma, just because you aren't in love no more"?

[Riggz41510]

it looks like you are doing just that--leaving with what you came with!

 

You make some valid points about marriage strictly as a financial question. But you fail to get the female mind, the woman who's ended her relationship with you over this.

 

You can protect what is yours and build a future with a woman even in a marriage. You can even get a prenup signed. But you need finesse to accomplish that. You have to give her something that will prove to her she means something to you. Otherwise, the next girl and the next girl and so on will always be insulted about the prenup.

 

Why can't we just be together and be happy??

[annie24]

Why should I have to pay her for past vagina use?

 

it's statements such as these that show you have little regard for her as a human and a partner.

[Riggz41510]

I know that you are trying to protect your finances and all.... but you just lost a woman. how much does she mean to you? if not so much, then it is good she left.

 

you can't put a price tag on true love though. if you found someone who loves you and makes you happy, are you really willing to let them slip away so easily?

 

Look.. All this true love talk sounds good in theory.. I love her, but I love myself more!! I'm not willing to put it all on the line and hope things work out..

 

Would you buy a new car and drive off the lot with no insurance.. I may sound like a jerk, who doesn't know *true love*. I guarantee it doesn't feel like love in divorce court!!

[rose2summer]

I don't think the posters here are saying anything about protecting your finances.

 

We are trying to get at the psychology of you both.

 

If you decide to not get married, it's unlikely some woman will want to remain around into old age to care for you.

 

Realistically speaking, most women want that sense of security that comes with marriage, as we were raised that way, it's a psychological evolution that's difficult to battle.

[rose2summer]

Riggz -

 

I think we need to dig deeper here, there is a reason you feel this way.

 

I have some questions:

 

1) Have you ever been divorced before?

 

2) Did your parents get divorced and you had to see the repercussions of it?

[rose2summer]

Why should I have to pay her for past vagina use?

 

If that's your train of thought, why not just pay someone through your life, so that they will never ask for marriage?

[Riggz41510]

Why is it that people automatically assume its not true love if I want to protect my assets?? I am totally confused.. I love her like I said.. I am willing to give her the world while we are together, but I feel that we should be able to have a clean break, if we happen to not work out..

 

Love is one thing, but you cant argue with facts. And the facts are that the divorce rate is over 60%.. I'm not willing to take the chance.. Would you jump off a 10 story building just because 2 people survived??

 

I'm all for love and relationships.. Whats the point in marriage??

[annie24]

Why is it that whenever a man wants to protect his things, women get upset and say "its not true love", "you must not care about her" etc?? Women always say marriage is about security. So whats wrong with a man securing his financial future?

 

I am not arguing with you. I personally will insist on a prenup when the time comes, because I have property and money to protect, and I would rather it stay in the family than go to him!

 

however, I'm just pointing out, it doesn't seem like you guys are a good fit. like you said, you love yourself more than you love her. your own words. so I don't think marriage is the right step for you then.

[Riggz41510]

That's really an average (so some men will make more, some less, to give that average), I have made more than my exes, so it really depends on the two individuals involved.

 

I'm talking about surveys.. Yes there are exceptions to every rule.. Just like sometimes there is a case when "man, bites dog" but generally speaking "dog, usually bites man"

[Lady Bugg]

I have to say reading this post COMPLETELY made me cringe. Sheesh.....

Nothing kills romance like the words" Finances, prenup, divorce court". Sounds to me like you basically want someone to screw and make you dinner. Why bother with the rest??

 

It's funny.....money does not make ANYone more OR less attractive at the end of the day.

 

Marriage is still sacred to many people...and YES some people still believe in true love. I am one of those people.

[annie24]

well, like I just said on another thread....

 

maybe from now on, you should only date women who make more money than you.

[rose2summer]

Would you jump off a 10 story building just because 2 people survived??

 

Yes, I would, because if it meant that 4-5 marriages/10 survive, I sure would take the plunge for someone I love. And no, I am not jumping off a building, but I would do anything for a person I truly cared about, I would be willing to lose all my assets as well. But to each their own, this is about you, not me here.

[rose2summer]

Marriage is still sacred to many people...and YES some people still believe in true love. I am one of those people.

 

I agree 100% with LB, it's all about mindset, and where your priorities are, to me money is not a priority, I have been the happiest when I have scraped by with barely enough to eat, and been in love.

[Riggz41510]

Well I'm basing this on past experiences, and other people I see around me.. It always starts out happy, trusting and loving.. What happens when one party cheats or decides they want out..

 

Even if someone cheats, they still shouldn't have to financially compensate someone after a divorce.. Like I said before the FACTS are over 60% of marriages end in divorce.. That's more than half..