Confused - is it rape?

[nikkim74]

The other night, I was out with a girlfriend and some of her friends. We were drinking. I had taken some back pain medication (stupid, I know) and I guess it didn't mix so well with the alchohol, because I became extremely intoxicated. When we were leaving the party we were attending, we had to take two cabs, as we wouldn't fit in one. I ended up in the cab alone with this guy (friend of a friend, and I had met him several times before). We were supposed to meet up again with everyone else, but somehow they went to a different location. The guy asked if I wanted to go to an after-hours club with him and his other friend, and I did. He was still giving me drinks at the after-hours place, and that's when I started having black-outs. I mean real black-outs, where I must have been awake, but have no recollection of what was happening.

 

I do recall him kissing me at the club, but it was very hazy, and when I "woke up" we were having sex at his place. But hours had passed. I don't have a memory of agreeing to go with him or sleep with him. But once I woke up, I didn't stop what was happening for a while and I didn't say anything. I just kind of went along with what was happening once I regained consciousness, mainly because I was confused and embarrassed.

 

I've never had that happen before. I feel like it was just a drunken mistake, but have some nagging doubts in the back of my head. There are bruises on my arms, where it looks like someone held me down, and there's a bruise on my back. I feel depressed, but I don't want to blame him, because he was drinking too. I think he's a nice guy, but I'm not sure how nice someone can be if they had sex with a woman who was that intoxicated. One of my friends suggested that maybe he had slipped something in my drink, but I can't see that happening. I definitely don't want to cause trouble, so I probably won't say anything. I just had to get it off my chest. I know it was stupid to agree to go with him to the after-hours place when I was that drunk, and I feel really bad about myself.

 

Any advice?

[cichlid]

I think he might have put something in your drinks. I would not just let it go. Possibly contact the police...remember bad guys don't let you know they are bad until it is too late.

[avman]

Technically it sounds like you were unable to consent. Intoxication has a way of doing that. If you had something in your drink that makes it even worse. I don't know how long ago this was but maybe you should get tested to see if there is anything left in your bloodstream.

 

Don't feel bad about yourself. He had no right to take advantage of you like that.

[snowy_princess]

depending how long it's been, you might want to go for a blood test to see if you were slipped anything you shouldn't have been. If you were slipped drugs then yes, it was definitely rape. If you were blacking out, then it's a hard situation to judge.

 

For example, if you were passed out, then yeah, it's rape.

 

if you just were blacking out and don't remember, then it's possible you could have consented and not rememberd - he can't be responsible for knowing whether or not you will remember what you said.

 

It's really hard to judge. You should go for a rape exam just incase... there are ways to tell if it was forced intercourse, even if there isn't any biological proof left from then.. chances are any trauma wouldn't be healed if it wasn't long ago.

 

I understand this is a tough time. You feel guilty because you don't want to get him in trouble, but you're feeling really ashamed of what happened. Regardless of whether you consented or not, you shouldn't blame yourself for this - you were drunk and while that's not an exuse for behaviour, it does explain it. I agree that a guy who would take advantage of a woman who was obviously that drunk is probably not too nice.

 

Depending on where you live, the law might be on your side or against you. In some places, a woman who is intoxicated can't consent, but in others a man who is intoxicated can't be held accountable. it's a tough call.

 

In any case, don't blame yourself - you didn't cause this to happen - no amount of alcohol or drugs gives anyone the right to take advantage of you. Go see your doctor and talk to a counsellor if you need to - most places have anonymous sexual assault crisis lines you can call for someone to just talk to. I used to volunteer at the one in my community, they do excellent work.

 

hugs

[rose2summer]

It is considered rape if one party does not consent.

 

I am so sorry you had to go through that.

 

He may very well have put a "roofie" into your drink and that would explain your black-outs.

 

There are many services available to you, please check the link below in my signature.

 

Rainn provides excellent help to those in a situation like yours, link removed.

 

I too was raped 3yrs ago while under the influence of alcohol, and it's very terrifying.

 

It was in no way your fault and talking a rainn counselor may be a great help to you, it's free and confidential.

 

Hugs, Rose

[TheRedQueen]

How wasted was the guy?

[Maverick32x]

hmm... I'm simply going to say, you should get some tests done to determine if he slipped you anything, or if he forced himself on you....

 

If you were taking medication that SAYS not to mix it with alcohol, and you got completely wasted, I'm going to have to say that was your own fault in making a bad decision... HOWEVER, I do think the guy should have a bit more class than to try to take advantage of some girl that is blacking out.. he defintly isn't a "nice guy", he seems kind of like a creep...

 

I would be careful to immediately accuse him of rape, if he was really drunk, and you were really drunk.....

I would just hate for someone's entire life to be destroyed because of some random hook up with a drunk girl...

 

but if hes a rapist.... Go get'em!!

[rose2summer]

Well, when he chose to take advantage of her without her consent, he decided to accept the repercussions of rape, and that was in no way the fault of the poster.

 

She just happened to fall prey to his ways and alcohol or not, she was not a willing participant.

 

I encourage you nikki to report him as what he did to you was against the law and at the very least a report should be filed under his name with the police.

[someguy69]

It most certainly sounds like he put something in your drink, especially combined with the other aspects of your story -- him getting you alone with him, him taking you to a different club, him giving you lots of drinks, him not commenting on your "blacking out", and especially the bruises.

 

It's called "date rape", and unfortunately has become far too common.

 

What he may have put into your drink could be a number of different things, but most likely GHB (as it is very common right now), buy maybe also possibly Rohypnol (although less common these days). Ketamine is also sometimes used.

 

Please visit this webpage: link removed

[annie24]

I definitely think you should go to the police. it is rape if you are unable to consent. if you are blacked out, wasted, then you cannot agree to sex, thereforeeee, it was rape.

 

he may well have slipped something in your drink. i don't know how much you had to drink, or how many pain meds you took, but I've never blacked out from mixing (but that's just me).

 

I don't think what he did was right. I think you should talk to the police and a therapist.

 

the bruises make it seem like you put up a struggle, even though you don't remember.

[notsurewhatsnext]

Okay giving you both the benefit of the doubt--you mixed alcohol with pain medication and that probably made you blackout--it is possible that you even fell sometime during the night which could have caused the bruises. He was probably drunk to and may not be thrilled with what happened either. I do not necessarily think that he put something into your drink, but maybe you both made bad choices that night. Everyone makes bad choices sometimes. Try to use better judgement next time and always stay with your friends when you go out--take care of each other. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and if you can not remember if he used any protection get some tests done for STD's.

[TheRedQueen]

Okay giving you both the benefit of the doubt--you mixed alcohol with pain medication and that probably made you blackout--it is possible that you even fell sometime during the night which could have caused the bruises. He was probably drunk to and may not be thrilled with what happened either. I do not necessarily think that he put something into your drink, but maybe you both made bad choices that night. Everyone makes bad choices sometimes. Try to use better judgement next time and always stay with your friends when you go out--take care of each other. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and if you can not remember if he used any protection get some tests done for STD's.

If he also got pretty wasted (which I'm thinking he most likely did), I agree with this advice.

[Juliana]

You can go and get tested to see if there is anything in your blood, but from what you're describing, I don't think he put anything in your drink. I think you were drinking heavily, and that, combined with the medication, caused you to have blackouts during which you were apparently functioning (to the people around you), but actually weren't. This happened to my cousin once; she woke up, fully clothed, on the floor of some guy's apartment in New Jersey, with no memory of how she got there. The guy and one of his friends were sitting there, waiting for her to wake up. They hadn't done anything to her, in fact, they might even have prevented something bad from happening to her. But she was terrified when she realized that anything could have happened, and never drank like that again.

 

And that's where things get dicey for you, because something did happen. The question is, what was his state of mind?

 

I'm thinking he knew you weren't able to give consent, but then, he was also drunk, and so his judgment was impaired.

 

You have to decide what to do about this one: What would make you happy about this situation? When I have been in circumstances like these, I have contacted the guy and told him in no uncertain terms, that I consider what happened to have been not consensual, and that he is lucky I don't go to the police. I have also let other people know what happened, and that I wasn't in a frame of mind to consent to it; a rough justice that exacts a cost in that other people are now aware. You have to do what you consider appropriate. I will say this: I hear far too many stories of women who are taken advantage of in this way when they are drunk, and if I believed that this guy had been sober, there would be no doubt in my mind about whether or not he knew you were consenting.