Wife dumped me

[waslovinghusband]

This is my first post. I thought this was a good site so hopefully someone can help me. My wife left me for another man. It's clear to me now that he was in her heart before we broke up so her initial argument of "incompatibilities" and "marriage is not fun anymore" have fallen to the ground. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I fell in love with her immediately(not my first girlfriend-far from it) and we were lovingly married for 10 great years. Over the last year we have both been eating well and excercising and we both began looking great but she has become extrordinary. A stunning beauty. dressing well and getting a lot of compliments. I always loved and respected her since I first met her but since the transformation I have been doing my best to be the best husband any woman could have. I always looked forward to coming home from work seeing her/holding her and cooking her dinner. We have 2 kids and they are both amazing people. We have already separated and I see my kids once in awhile. everything is agreed on and the estate has been split. No lawyers anymore. BUT I still feel very sad all the time. Even the kids remind me of what once was so I feel terribly sad when they are with me. It's not good for kids to see that. I keep thinking about her with him and how happy and beautiful she is and I'm filled with grief. I know I don't want her back but she still has control of my heart. I just want to move on and be happy but I'm constantly lost in this vicious cycle of pain and despair. I'm devastated and right now I cannot even feel happiness at the best of times. My cousellor is helping me with some of this but I guess I just need to know that someone out there knows what this feels like and if anybody can give me a little hope.

 

[markfromark]

welcome to enotalone. Many people are and have been in your situation. My wife left me for another man 4 month ago and I still get sad several times a day. But it does get less and less but as I know myself I will continue thinking about her for a long time. Sometimes I have to force myself to look at what she did and then I get angry at her but the sadness always comes back.

At this point I would recommend for you to get to a point where your children enjoy your company again. Whenever you feel sadness creeping up on you think about something funny and try to chase those thoughts away. I know from my experience how though it is but like all wounds it will heal eventually.

[rocio]

I'm not sure what the breakup was really about. But alot of it sounds superficial. Don't buy into that. She's still the same person that you married, regardless of what she looks like. She's no better and she's not going to be any happier.

 

All I can say is that she wasn't the best thing that ever happened to you. Your kids were. And if this breakup had anything to do with the fact that she changed her appearance and suddenly thought she was hot enough to deserve better, then she is lost and confused and never deserved you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is always devastating when a marriage breaks up, especially for the partner who was the one who wanted to stay in the marriage. It will get better, but you have to first recognize that you were married for 10 years, so it will take a while to work through your feelings of loss.. so be kind to yourself and recognize that it will take some time to establish a new life that feels as comfortable and nice as you think your old life with your ex-wife was...

 

but you also need to work on adjusting your thinking to match the circumstances, in that you seem to be idolizing a woman who cheated on your and left you for another man! so you are focusing on what good things you saw in her, like her beauty etc., while ignoring a HUGE flaw and problem, that she was an unfaithful wife, and was willing to destroy a family to chase someone else. And the guy she ran off with is no prince either, considering he was willing to help destroy your family, so picturing them as a happy family neither good for you not probably realistic. most relationships that started as affairs are not the greatest, since the relationship is composed of two very selfish people, with a built in reason to distrust each other, they both know they are cheaters since they did it themselves... so your 'princess' did not run off with a prince, because she really is NOT a princess, nor he a prince, just a couple of garden variety selfish cheaters...

 

so what you are lacking is perspective on her and need to try to stop reminiscing on who she once was, not who she became, which is a cheater who was willing to disrupt your and your childrens' lives to pursue her latest crush or whatever. you also need to recognize that your kids have been victims of her decision to cheat and leave, and you need to focus your attentions and time on *them* and helping them adjust to these changes, not in spending all your mental energy dwelling on some memory of a family life that no longer is possible with her. you are still their father, and they need you to be a loving parent to them, rather than a mooning ex-husband thinking more about your ex-wife than your children.

 

there is a saying i read somewhere which paraphased said, 'if you find yourself in hell, then better to keep on going...' so you should remind yourself that thinking about her nostalgically is doing nothing but feeding and continuing your sense of loss and grief and pain, and much better for you do everything to stop that and to try your best to keep moving on towards finding other things (and people) that will help you recover and again find pleasure in your daily life.... so next time you find yourself mooning about her pick yourself up and do something else... or else give yourself permission to spend 10 minutes in the morning and the evening thinking about her, but turn it off the rest of the day and spend time doing anything but dwelling on past memories...

 

divorce is something lots of us have gone through and it is painful, but you will come to a time when you don't think about her much at all, and then without the pain you feel now. time is a great healer, but time and healing goes more quickly if you fill your life with people and things to do rather than dwelling on the past that you cannot change...

 

hang in there and keep seeing your counselor, it will get better! and i suspect that your princess will develop feet of clay, and her prince will turn into a pumpkin...

[kuhaaica]

Hi... alll i can say is awwwwwwwwwwww...big warm hugs to you.

 

I dont have advice i am sorry for that, in difficult situation of my own.

 

I hope things brighten up a bit, and keep on the councelling it really can work wonders with time.

May sound dumb, but try self help books, or surviving divorce, they are helpful.

 

Take care

[Cadence308]

Your thread is so sad. I agree with one poster that your ex wife was not the best thing that ever happened to you, your kids were! I'm glad that you have a therapist to help you through these tough spots. I hope that you can get over this grieving and move on and be able to spend time with your kids and not think of your ex. You deserve to be happy with someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Take care of yourself and keep up the exercising and eating healthy and some woman will notice how great you are and hopefully you can feel love again!

[waslovinghusband]

Thank you all for the guideance. And the kind words.

You are right, BeStrong:

I need to change my perspective on her. She is what she is. Not what she once was to me. I need to do some more writing now...once again put my thoughts in a journal. These words will be different, though.

 

...I get my kids tomorrow on Halloween !!!

[JoeWho]

Thank you all for the guideance. And the kind words.

You are right, BeStrong:

I need to change my perspective on her. She is what she is. Not what she once was to me. I need to do some more writing now...once again put my thoughts in a journal. These words will be different, though.

 

...I get my kids tomorrow on Halloween !!!

 

You are on the right track now. I know your pain all too well and I will tell you it does get better. Once you stop thinking of how she once was and concentrate on who she turned out to be you will feel more angry and less sad. I was with my ex for ten years and she pretty much did the same thing as your ex. I was pretty upset when I found out everything and shocked to the core. After about a month I was thinking of how I could stop thinking of how she once was and focus on what she did and who she turned out to be. I came up with this and it has worked for me.

 

 

I thought about our ten year relationship as two separate relationships. The first 8 or so good years as one relationship and then the last 2 or so years as another. I knew given what she did and how she did it, I would eventually come to really dislike her and resent her and the time we spent together, but I didnt want to feel that way about the last ten years so I spilt it up. I think of her as two different people and it works because basically she changed into such a different person the last two years from what she once was. In fact now I am starting to feel lucky that I am no longer with her. I do miss the good old days and the girl I fell in love with, but that is long gone. I dont miss the lying and cheating and the person she turned out to be.

 

It does get better though and the pain gets a little duller with every week that passes.