Baby questions

[mokajava]

Good day all,

 

Me and my husband are planning on having a baby in the next year or so...but first, I'd like to hear from the parents out there.

 

What I'd like to know is how much does having a baby change your life as a couple? Did you have problems because the baby took so much of your time?

What are the positive aspects for your couple of having a baby? What are the biggest problems? What is the best advice you can give someone like me?

 

Basically, I want to make sure I've looked at all the aspects before jumping in the water so to speak. A baby is for life and cannot return it if I don't like it.

[melrich]

There is no getting away from it, a baby changes your life big time. How much? In one way more than you could imagine and in another way, as much as you let it.

 

Babies are 24/7 and they completely flip every priority you previously had in life. But at the same time they are very adaptable and if you take the attitude that you are going to continue to do the thing that you enjoy, your baby will fit in. Just some of the things you do will take a bit longer, be a little less convenient.

 

Every response I give you here has two sides. Yes they reduce the time you have together alone but in many ways they enrich the time you have together.

 

The positive aspects. I don't think there is anything that can bring two people as close as having a baby together. I certainly found a whole other level in my relationship after our first was born. It is a very humbling experience but also very empowering.

 

The biggest problems? Probably the adjustmenst you do have to make and the amount you have to learn. You have to find another degree of patience.

 

Best advice is nothing more than enjoy the experience. You will see the world completely differently after you have children, suddenly you will realise you are not quite as smart and all knowing as you thought you were. But the changes for us anyway were for the better.

[mokajava]

thank you so much for your post, especially coming from a man.

 

I guess I'm not still mentally prepared, and being 33 I don't have much time left. I just wish I would spend more time alone with my husband b/c I know how much having a baby changes your life.

 

I know it's a lifelong responsability, a big one, and worst part is your stuck with the baby whether you want it or not! I know it will also bring a lot of joy, gosh, am I complicating this more than it is?

 

Basically I don't think I'll ever be mentally prepared, but I have no choice, my biological clock is ticking and all I know for now is that I DO want to have children...but it has come so fast and I'm like "omg, already? can't it wait a little more?" and I guess the answer is NO.

[melrich]

I know it will also bring a lot of joy, gosh, am I complicating this more than it is?

 

No I think it is good you realise it is not all delicious cooos and soft focus photos. There are plenty of times you wish you could have a break from being a parent...and of course you are right, you can't.

 

Basically I don't think I'll ever be mentally prepared,

 

I'm not sure anyone really, truly is. You can read all the books, attend all the classes you want, it will not be the same as the reality.

 

I doubt that there would be too many first time parents who weren't scared witless, didn't wonder if they'd make good parents, haven't nearly accidentally killed their baby at least 3 times. There are moments in those first few months when it is plain scary.

 

But you do get there eventually.

[mokajava]

thank you melrich! My problem is that up until now, I NEVER really thought seriously about having a baby, and suddenly, I'm 33 and thinking that I don't have much time left to have one.

 

Problem is, physically I'm up for it, but mentally NO. Yet, I have no choice, cause I'm getting older and don't want to have a baby too late (I actually want 2). I just wish I would be 25 again, so I would have more time to get mentally prepared.

 

I'm sure what I'm feeling is normal, b/c a baby is such a BIG responsability, and also I want to be a good parent. But I think there's no getting out of this one, yikes!!! If I do want to have a baby, well, then, I have to go throught it!

 

But I'll remember what you said: just relax and enjoy the whole experience, cause if I don't enjoy I'll make it worse.

Thank you!

[melrich]

Well you are not quite at the the end of the line. For sure the longer you leave it the more risk and harder to get pregnant but I know plenty who have first at 35 and second at 37/8. So don't feel too much like time is forcing you to do something you are not ready for.

[justpaisley]

Something I've noticed with a lot of my friends is that having a baby just amplifies their relationships. That's probably not the right word - for example, if they had a good relationship, having a baby makes it better. If they had a bad relationship, or a relatively good relationship with a LOT of unresolved or ignored issues, having a baby makes their relationship worse.

 

My husband and I have a good relationship, so while yes, having a baby has changed darn near everything, it hasn't changed the quality of our relationship. And we can bounce back pretty easy from those nights where we're EXHAUSTED and snippy with each other, or even the times where we're exhausted and outright yell at each other a few times. We can stop and say we're sorry shortly afterwards. People who aren't really good at communication probably don't do that, and just dig themselves into a silent treatment hole.

 

I'd say that if you and your husband have a healthy, open relationship, then you don't have much to worry about.

 

As far as me and my husband go... Like I said, we do have those nights where we've had an hour of sleep and our son's screaming and we get snarky. But mostly, having a child has made me fall even deeper in love with my husband because while I knew he'd be an awesome father, I had no idea how attentive, loyal, helpful, or loving a father could be until we had a baby. My husband is so amazing at fatherhood, I just can't believe it. I also feel like we were only half a family, and we needed a child to complete our family. Now I feel like our family is totally complete, which makes me really happy.

 

I can't explain specifics on how much a baby changes your life because a baby really changes everything. You really have to think about literally everything before you do it. I mean, down to going to the bathroom. If my son is sleeping, and he's accross the house from the master bath, I have to consider bringing him with me and putting him on the bed while I'm going. Sorry for being vulgar, but it's amazing how a baby will insinuate itself into the most minute spaces in your life. My husband and I went out of town with our son a few weeks ago, and whereas before we could do a weekend with one, maybe 2 bags, we had our car (a mid-size sedan) so packed to the brim that we could barely move!

 

All the rumors about having a baby changing everything are true, but often for the better.

 

Sorry I've gone on so long - I just really, really love being a mom. And please don't worry about not having much time left - my mother-in-law had my husband at 42. Wait till you're completely ready, not when society tells you to be ready.

[justpaisley]

No I think it is good you realise it is not all delicious cooos and soft focus photos.

 

This is so true... so many people think it's all roses and sunshine having a baby... truth is, it's HARD! It's good that you're so in touch with reality, mokajava - you'll be so much more prepared that way.

 

I'm not sure anyone really, truly is. You can read all the books, attend all the classes you want, it will not be the same as the reality.

 

This is also true. I was as ready as anyone can be, but there are still some nights where I say to myself "What in the HELL were you thinking?" LOL... When my husband and I brought our son home, we were both so daunted by the task ahead of us - we kept going "shouldn't there be licenses for this stuff?"

[Batya33]

I have several friends who had their first child in their late 30s/early 40s and their second and third children in their 40s - all are fine.