having a hard time....

[fridagrrl]

it's been an ongoing SAGA for myself and my ex-husband ( together on and off since 1992). we split up AGAIN (rather i told him it was over and never explained why...cuz he'd just lie and make it better) in september.....because i suspected that he was with a woman (again) and his lying, drug use and newfound friends. my children are sad.....on and off almost everyday....i try to explain that it's just like before (because he'd only visit on weekends and "play house" with me). but i have to see him when he comes to see my kids and it hurts !!!!

 

i know he's not good for us, and that being with him again would be a BAD decision AGAIN, not only for me and my mental sanity but for my children and their future. i KNOW he's a loser but i still love him and he's the love of my life. i can't accept his "new life" because it's so different from what "we" were all about years ago.

 

i feel helpless....sometimes i want to break down and tell him how i feel but i know it'll start the viscious cycle all over again.... when we first split i made it through 1 year without him....but i don't feel strong....feel very lonely and as sad as it is to admit he was ( up until 9/2006) my best friend....HELP!!!

[rose2summer]

Hey frida -

 

Welcome to ENA!

 

Sorry you are going through such a tough ordeal.

 

Your ex-husband didn't seem to be a good catch - he cheated, lied, and abused drugs.

 

It becomes very hard and hurtful to let go, but hun it sounds like he is only heart-ache for you.

 

I realize it's a strange situation for you because your children must see him.

 

Can you maybe let the kids go with him on weekends instead of have him hang out at your place?

 

Spending any time with him will rekindle feelings and you want to move on.

 

I don't suggest to tell him how you feel as he may just turn it on you, and right now it's really about your children, not reconciling with him.

 

We are your friends on here and you can always turn to us.

 

Hugs, Rose

[fridagrrl]

thanx for your hugs

i don't let him into my house....he just picks them up.

i have full custody of my kids so they don't go with him on weekends....it's just a couple of hours ....

he's not much of a "concerned" father when it comes to actions, even though he proclaims LOVE LOVE LOVE to them on the phone....

it's hard for me because i KNOW how he really is, but i NEVER want to bad mouth their father to them....

 

and EVEN though i KNOW all of these things and could write a LONG LONG list of reasons why i should NEVER be with him again.....i still feel this way...sometimes i just say i'm addicted to him....but i need to do what's right this time and not give in....

it's just so hard......

[fridagrrl]

so he just brought back the kids....they tell me that they had lunch with a woman...

i called him and said i had a question for him....he said " you want to know if i have a girlfriend?...yes, i do"

i'm soooooo destroyed....it's one thing to cheat on me just for the sake of screwing around, but this is an actual relationship....

i can't stop crying.....i've lost him forever....it hurts too much!!!!

[fridagrrl]

i'm still feeling out of sorts.....the last time we were together was beginning of september....isn't it too soon to start a new relationship?

 

i'm still processing everything we've been through....i can't believe that he's ready to move on......

please help.

[Vynde]

Hang in there.

 

It might be to soon to start another realtionship for you, just because he has, doesnt mean hes even ready. I dont think you are.

 

Im sure the pain you are going through is very hard, it always is, but understand that your husband isnt good enough for you, I know sometimes its hard to hear, but its true - You deserve someone better, who loves you and cares about you.

 

I know having kids involved isnt easy, but focus on them. Start thinking about you and what you need and what it will take for you to be in a good place. Its so very hard to let someone you love go, even knowign that that person doesnt treat you well and knowing all there flaws. It will not be easy, but is it possible.. Hell yea. It will take time.

 

I know I miss my wife very much, even after she cheated on me, somedays I even wonder if Ill take her back if she tried to come back.. I knwo its not the right thing to do, but its hard to let go, as Im sure your feeling now.

 

As far as dating or looking for another realtionship, I have tried it, and I know for me its way to early, I know you think it will make you feel better, but truth be told, it may only cover your feelings, feelings that you need to deal with rather than cover up. You will be ready to open your heart again, but first, heal, take the time to love yourself first and focus on your children.

 

In time, your heart and mind will be ready - but dont rush it

 

We are here for you, stay the coarse!

 

(((hugs))))

 

jOHN

[debsea]

Hiya Frida,

 

I've just read your post and it threw me back to all the emotions I had when my husband said he wanted to end it. Only it turned out that he already had "just a very good friend" who then surprisingly became his girlfriend. On several occasions I had to take my kids to my old house where he was and drop them of with her there. It hurts so much, the only advice I can give you is cry your eyes out and give yourself permission to be sad and hurt. You will find that gradually you cry less, and the old cliche of time heals is true. I used it like a crutch and used to think hey I've made it through another hour, another day, another week. Don't try to make yourself hate him or find all the faults that you know are there and everyone else can see because you still care for him and its not always rational. But gradually you will start to be more interested in you and doing what makes you feel better. A good "optimistic" friend of mine said "hey you've got a shot at a new life!". It takes a while to realise that and the road is long and hard, give yourself time to get there.

 

Huge hugs for you

[fridagrrl]

thank you john and debsea,

i'm soooooo glad that you both are so caring.

 

in my rational mind i know that all the things you say are true....we've been split up before....we divorced in 2003!!! but we got back together to "try and make it work".....and everytime we split up it always seemed that we "might" try again.....i was always the one kicking him out because he'd lie, cheat, or some other dishonest thing....but i KNOW him.....he's been the ONLY man in my life for almost 15 years....NEVER did he EVER have a girlfriend...

 

i guess the greatest pain is thinking that this time THIS IS IT!!!!.....i don't know if i can handle that this is REALLY the end....i miss him and i think i've really lost him this time....he got sick of me, when it should be me thats sick of him....am i making sense?!?!

 

i just find myself crying all the time....i'm crying as i type this....

it feels sooooooo much worse this time....

i don't know what to do......

[debsea]

I think one of the hardest things is not knowing whether its completely over. Sadly when you've been with someone so long your brain just won't accept that its really over, and your heart doesn't want to. But somewhere deep down you know you'll have a better life if you can leave them behind.

 

Its really hard to move on when you have to keep contact with them for the kids and I think it slows the whole healing/moving on process down. I still wonder whether I will get back with my ex, and some days it feels like torture although I know that it wouldn't be for the best.

 

I so completely understand how you feel but I really think if you can be strong, stick it out and resist the temptation to go back to him if it arises you will be much happier with your life in the long run. Sometimes I feel that the security and contentment of being with someone you know so well is what we crave with them rather than actually still being in love with them.

 

And you deserve so much more than someone that lie's and cheats. You have to believe that this is the start of a new exciting life.