Childhood sex abuse confrontation

[lucye]

I was sexually abused when I was four years old by the son of my parents' friend. He was a teenager at the time of the abuse. I am now thirty-four years old, and I have lived with the pain of the abuse every day of my life. I have done self-destructive things, used alcohol and food to numb the pain, and engaged in unhealthy relationships throughout the years. I have just recently started to break out of these negative patterns through sheer force of will and (finally) a wonderful, supportive man who knows everything about me and to whom I am getting married.

 

I have always envisioned my abuser as a monster--the boogeyman under the bed. Through therapy, I have just started to realize that he is just a normal, though flawed, human being. As such, I am becoming less afraid of him and more angry with him. I have been reading The Courage to Heal and other books about healing from abuse. I have decided that I really want to find and confront my abuser. I have not seen or heard of him in twenty years, but I think I could probably track him down through my parents.

 

I am wondering if anyone has experience with confronting someone who perpretrated sexual abuse on them as a child. I think it would make me feel better, but I am not sure. I also don't know how to approach him or what to say. I want him to acknowledge the terrible things he did to me, but I realize that this is not likely to happen.

 

Please let me know if you have any suggestions.

Thanks

[chai714]

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

First of all, let me say that I'm proud of you for having taken steps toward healing. The book, "The Courage to Heal" is a good book and is one that I have browsed through. I had a girlfriend who was sexually abused by her older brother. She ended up confronting him one day about it, to which he did not say much. Did it help her? I believe it did some because all of the anxiety and wondering over the years took a toll. Should your abuser have to deal with something that happened so long ago? Yes, but don't expect anything positive to come out of this for him. Confronting him would be something that you would do for yourself and not for any other reason. You likely wouldn't get a "I'm sorry" from him so be sure not to expect anything from him.

 

Good luck in whatever decision you choose.

[BellaDonna]

Hi an welcome to enotalone.

 

I have just recently started to break out of these negative patterns through sheer force of will and (finally) a wonderful, supportive man who knows everything about me and to whom I am getting married.

 

First of all- I am so happy to hear this. Good for you!

 

Although I have never had direct experience with abuse, my own mother did- and she found great peace when her abuser passed away.

 

Confronting him might make you feel better- but also prepare yourself for the worst.

 

*he could insult your intellengence and deny that he did those things

*he may be unresponsive all together

*he may not show any empathy

 

Keep in mind- he abused a child and that makes him a huge coward, so don't expect too much.

 

An actress and independent film maker, Angela Shelton. was sexually abused by her father all of her life. She finally confronted him in her adult years (after years of not speaking to him). She just showed up on his doorstep on Father's Day & gave it to him verbally. She found it very healing, even though he denied it the whole time. Her confrontation with her father is in her movie, she also highlights the experiences of other women. It may be of interest to you: link removed

 

I do suggest that if you ultimately choose some kind of confrontation in person with him, that you bring a loved one along to support you, like your fiance.

 

BellaDonna

[flower99]

Wow, first congratulations on your progesss & all you've overcome.

 

I was sexually abused when I was young, but there is no way of finding the men who did it too me.

 

My friend on the other hand, was sexually abused by her uncles when she was little. She confronted them 2 years ago, to tell them she forgave them(though they never asked for forgivness)....since then she's been happy, freer & has been able to move past it.

I admire what you're doing & wish you luck & peace

[vesper]

I was also sexually abused as a child by a neighbor boy, I was six and he was fourteen. They moved away and I moved away and there is no possible way of ever finding them again and Im kind of glad that its like that.

 

There are pictures of him at my birthday parties from when I was a kid, so sometimes I just look at them but really its really in the past and ive dealt with it and moved on. mainly through therapy and confiding in a friend about it. it helps when someone listens.

[rose2summer]

Hi -

 

I am very sorry you had to go through this ordeal.

 

I do worry about confronting the abuser as there is one path this person will take.

 

He will deny the accusations and may be very inconsiderate of your feelings.

 

No one who commits such a horrendous crime would ever admit to it.

 

If, however, you want to vent, please be aware of what will transpire.

 

I noticed you have sought therapy, I am not sure if this was generalized therapy or by a rape and abuse counselor.

 

If it was not by a trained rape/abuse counselor, I recommend seeing one as the one I met with really helped me work through things that I was going through that are similar to yours ~ control methods.

 

Please see the link below in my signature to find a counseling center in your area.

 

I think joining a support group and/or seeing an abuse counselor will benefit you far more than confronting him.

 

By confronting him, you will only open back up your wounds, instead of healing them, and he is guaranteed to deny it, why put yourself through that, it's time to heal, not time to hurt.

 

Hugs, Rose

[AwdreeHpburn]

lucye - you are definitely not alone in this subject.

Welcome to ENA - I'm glad you posted!

 

I have confronted an abuser and watched a very close friend do the same. I just want to tell you...it's not pretty. Don't expect sympathy, empathy or even acknowledgement. He was young. He may not think it was anything more than dumb, teenage experimental stuff.

 

In my personal opinion, confrontations are a good and important part of the healing process but have little to no expectations of an apology or anything of that nature.

 

I am not trying to discourage you from finding and discussing this with him. One never knows. Maybe he has carried gulit his whole life. Never know. I just want you to have realistic expectations.

 

Will you keep posting throughout? I'd like to hear how things go for you and/or be here for support for you while you continue through this process.

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I know its a difficult one to tell.

 

-Theresa

[lucye]

Here is an update on my sex abuse confrontation: My memories and thoughts about the abuse started getting more vivid, so I talked to my therapist about doing EMDR-eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. She thought it was a good idea. I have had one session so far. While it seemed to help some, it made me want to write down everything in a letter and send it to the abuser. I decided that would be better than confronting him in person, because I didn't want to have a new memory of his face to haunt me. I wrote a letter that included all the details about the abuse and expressed my anger at how it had affected me. I finally got up the nerve to send it to him. Yesterday, I called his father...he was my parents' friend years ago, but my family has not spoken to him in over 20 years. I blocked my caller ID number and didn't say who I was because I didn't want to worry his parents about it--I just wanted to make sure my abuser was still alive, not in prison, and find out where to send the letter. I asked for his son, we'll call him "Jim Smith." He said, "No-this is Sam Smith." I said, "Do you have a son named Jim--I'm an old friend of his?" and he replied "I used to." I said "I'm sorry, did he die?" and he replied "Yes." I asked when and how, and he said that Jim died in 1994 from "an accident." I didn't ask for any more details. He started to ask for my name, and I said, "I'm so sorry, I have to go" and hung up.

I broke down. Jim died in 1994, so he only lived to be 30 or 31 years old. In the letter I wrote I told about how all these years I wished that he would die because he was "too dangerous to be in this world." Now I will never be able to send him the letter or tell him how the abuse affected me. I have to wonder--did he start using drugs and overdose, did he drink too much and have a car accident...did he kill himself?

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this news. It makes me so sad for his family and even for him. On the other hand, I am still angry and have not forgiven him for what he did to me.

I would appreciate any advice.

Thanks again,

lucye

[chai714]

Wow.

 

Lucye, there's not much you can do except wonder now. If you want to achieve inner peace, then you can come to forgive him in time if you so desire. I don't think contacting his family again would do any good.

 

The process of achieving inner peace is tricky because we often tend to believe that doing things that involve other people is the way to inner peace, when in reality inner peace only involves you.

 

You might experience a roller coaster of emotions for many years to come - anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety but I think it's quite normal given your situation.

 

If I were you (if you're religious) then I would pray about it. In addition, I would write in a journal of how I felt, as often as I needed. I think getting these emotions out of your head and onto paper or computer is something that can benefit you. Otherwise, there isn't anything else you can do as far as communicating with him (obviously). So, you might be able to achieve more inner peace by praying and/or keeping a journal as well as continuing therapy.

 

Hope this bit helps and hang in there.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey lucye - weird turn of events huh?

 

Right, well, I guess first off I PERSONALLY get back in touch with his family. They may be very happy to hear for you - as a representative of your family, being that they were once friends with your parents - feel relieved to share the loss of their son, and just be back in touch.

 

I would want to find out what happened to him and how he died.

 

I guess one temptation I suggest you avoid is telling his parents what happened. All they can do is apologise to you on his behalf and then be left with tarnsihed memories. That's not really fair to them.

 

But one thing you could so is find out where he's buried and visit his grave. Maybe you could leave the letter in an envelope on his gravesite or even read it aloud whilst there.

 

Either would, in my opinion, be very therapeutic.

[lucye]

Thank you both for the responses. I don't think I should contact his parents. They knew that something happened to me back then, but they didn't know all the details. After several incidents of abuse, I finally told my parents he "kissed me," and they told his parents, and then I never saw him again. I think he must have had a lot of problems. I heard at some point that he was placed in state custody as a delinquent when he was an older teen. My wonderful husband helped me look online and we found the basic information--full name, date of birth, date of death, and place of death. It did not tell how he died, but we have ordered a copy of the death certificate. I think it is a great idea to find out where he is buried and visit his grave. I feel like that might give me some closure...I could finally tell him how I feel about what happened, and maybe even try to forgive him.

Thanks again for the suggestions and for caring.

Take care,

lucye

[Kumiko]

I knew somebody who was in a situation similar to yours. Her name was Francis, and she was my counselor when I was in court-ordered drug rehab. Anyway, Francis told my group about how she had been raped by her father when she was a child. Years went by and she never confronted him about it until she was forty years old. Two weeks after she confronted him, he killed himself.

 

I imagine her mixed feelings of anger, guilt, and sorrow might be something like what you're feeling. I think one thing that really helped Francis was her work at the rehab facility, helping addicts get sober. I don't know if that's the kind of thing anyone ever gets over, but Francis was able to find some peace by aiding in other people's recovery. Maybe something like this could help you, too. (Sorry if this suggestion sounds too Pollyanna-ish)

[little red]

Thank you both for the responses. I don't think I should contact his parents...... I think it is a great idea to find out where he is buried and visit his grave. I feel like that might give me some closure...I could finally tell him how I feel about what happened, and maybe even try to forgive him.

lucye

 

 

I have been through a similar situation to you. I was abused by someone in my family for a number of years. I didn't tell anyone for a long time and then spoke out about it while I was away from home at uni. I worked through a lot of feelings and effects that I was experiencing, but he died before I was ready to confront him and ask some questions. I was at the funeral with all my family - none of whom knew or know anything about it to this day.

 

I made the decision to keep the information from my family so as not to be faced with all the questions and ruin their memories. If he was alive the dilemma would be different but as he is unable to do it again, I think not talking about it with them is best for everyone.

 

Just before Christmas, following the death of another member of my family, and after a year of finally letting go of the last (i hope) part of the abuse and finding freedom to be me, I visited my abusers grave for the first time - he died ten years ago now. It was very helpful and I think it marked the beginning of a new time in my life. A time of being in control, taking independence and claiming the freedom that I deserve.

 

Really hope it works out for you and that you can know peace and freedom too.

 

Keep us informed of how things go for you.

 

Take Care

 

LR