lucye

Thank you both for the responses. I don't think I should contact his parents. They knew that something happened to me back then, but they didn't know all the details. After several incidents of abuse, I finally told my parents he "kissed me," and they told his parents, and then I never saw him again. I think he must have had a lot of problems. I heard at some point that he was placed in state custody as a delinquent when he was an older teen. My wonderful husband helped me look online and we found the basic information--full name, date of birth, date of death, and place of death. It did not tell how he died, but we have ordered a copy of the death certificate. I think it is a great idea to find out where he is buried and visit his grave. I feel like that might give me some closure...I could finally tell him how I feel about what happened, and maybe even try to forgive him. Thanks again for the suggestions and for caring. Take care, lucye

I recently started EMDR--eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy for disturbing memories. You might want to give it a try if this memory is bothering you a lot. Your therapist could probably refer you to someone who does EMDR. Even though it might not be anything sexual, if you felt guilty about it (then or now), it might be affecting you. EMDR helps you process memories that have gotten stuck in your brain in a negative way; it lets you put these memories in perspective and gain some understanding of why they have affected you. It basically simulates REM sleep, which is when you really process things that happen in your life. If you have a distinct memory of the shower, it probably caused you some confusion that you never processed. Even if you don't do EMDR, I highly recommend that you talk about it with your therapist. Even if your cousin didn't "abuse" you, the fact that you have this memory is significant. Best wishes, lucye

Here is an update on my sex abuse confrontation: My memories and thoughts about the abuse started getting more vivid, so I talked to my therapist about doing EMDR-eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. She thought it was a good idea. I have had one session so far. While it seemed to help some, it made me want to write down everything in a letter and send it to the abuser. I decided that would be better than confronting him in person, because I didn't want to have a new memory of his face to haunt me. I wrote a letter that included all the details about the abuse and expressed my anger at how it had affected me. I finally got up the nerve to send it to him. Yesterday, I called his father...he was my parents' friend years ago, but my family has not spoken to him in over 20 years. I blocked my caller ID number and didn't say who I was because I didn't want to worry his parents about it--I just wanted to make sure my abuser was still alive, not in prison, and find out where to send the letter. I asked for his son, we'll call him "Jim Smith." He said, "No-this is Sam Smith." I said, "Do you have a son named Jim--I'm an old friend of his?" and he replied "I used to." I said "I'm sorry, did he die?" and he replied "Yes." I asked when and how, and he said that Jim died in 1994 from "an accident." I didn't ask for any more details. He started to ask for my name, and I said, "I'm so sorry, I have to go" and hung up. I broke down. Jim died in 1994, so he only lived to be 30 or 31 years old. In the letter I wrote I told about how all these years I wished that he would die because he was "too dangerous to be in this world." Now I will never be able to send him the letter or tell him how the abuse affected me. I have to wonder--did he start using drugs and overdose, did he drink too much and have a car accident...did he kill himself? I don't know how I'm going to deal with this news. It makes me so sad for his family and even for him. On the other hand, I am still angry and have not forgiven him for what he did to me. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks again, lucye

I was sexually abused when I was four years old by the son of my parents' friend. He was a teenager at the time of the abuse. I am now thirty-four years old, and I have lived with the pain of the abuse every day of my life. I have done self-destructive things, used alcohol and food to numb the pain, and engaged in unhealthy relationships throughout the years. I have just recently started to break out of these negative patterns through sheer force of will and (finally) a wonderful, supportive man who knows everything about me and to whom I am getting married. I have always envisioned my abuser as a monster--the boogeyman under the bed. Through therapy, I have just started to realize that he is just a normal, though flawed, human being. As such, I am becoming less afraid of him and more angry with him. I have been reading The Courage to Heal and other books about healing from abuse. I have decided that I really want to find and confront my abuser. I have not seen or heard of him in twenty years, but I think I could probably track him down through my parents. I am wondering if anyone has experience with confronting someone who perpretrated sexual abuse on them as a child. I think it would make me feel better, but I am not sure. I also don't know how to approach him or what to say. I want him to acknowledge the terrible things he did to me, but I realize that this is not likely to happen. Please let me know if you have any suggestions. Thanks