accidentally sent an email to the ex but i feel better

[deejay74]

i think i have *finally* gotten over the hump i've been trying to get over for about 6 months now. i had been having a hard time really letting go of that little string that wanted nothing but to hang on.

 

well, i sent my ex a very short email last week just saying "what's up?" and i told her about an upcoming dj'ing gig i have. of course she didn't respond and i didn't expect her to even though i wanted her to. It was literally 4 lines long.

 

since then, i guess i had been thinking about it and i was getting angry and frustrated that she has continually ignored me and was cold to me if we did see each other.

 

so yesterday morning i woke up and just started typing an email to my ex that i originally had planned on NOT sending. i usually don't put her email address in the "TO" field but i did this time. well, of course i hit "send" instead of the close window button (they're literally millimeters apart) and before i realized what had happened, it was too late.

 

the email was typed in a "stream of consciousness [sp?]" way, i wasn't even thinking about what i was typing, it just came out.

 

anyway, i didn't want to get back together with my ex but i did want her as a friend. if you want to know why, it's because she was my best friend and no one has influenced me more than she has. i was hoping that after the dust settle and the romantic feelings faded, we could be pretty good friends since we have so much in common, but now i realize that's not going to happen.

 

at any rate, here's the email i "accidentally" sent. at first i was scared, but i feel relieved, more so than in recent memory. i am also sad it had to come to this too. i had been wanting to say this to her in person for the longest time and i guess i couldn't hold it in anymore. part of me thinks that subconsciously i did want to send that email and thereforeeee i clicked "send" even though i really didn't want to.

 

i hoping that if i post in the "Breaking Up..." section again, that it will be to help others.

 

i want to thank everyone on here who has helped me, i appreciate it so much. i hope i wasn't too annoying on here, posting about the same topic for 10 months now.

 

so without further adieu, here's the finale email:

 

-----------------------

Ok ________,

 

I guess it’s taken me a while to figure this out but it’s obvious you want nothing to do with me. I sent you a short email that you never replied to last week and, in fact, you’ve never replied to a single email or voicemail I’ve left you this year.

 

To be honest, I don’t know why you’re still ignoring me. If you’re still harboring anger or resentment towards me for what I did shortly after you broke up with me (at the art gallery) and for calling you on that day when you yelled at me at the top of your lungs, then that’s your problem. I apologized more than once and you never forgave me. If that’s not it, then tell me what I did that was/is so bad that you avoid me like the plague so I don’t do it again. According to you, and these are basically your own words, you broke up with me because you were “too busy” to be in a relationship and I didn’t do anything to cause the break up. So I don’t know what I’ve done.

 

I tried to patch things up with you and to be, at least, acquaintances so there wouldn’t be any awkwardness between us. But it seems that you want to perpetuate the awkwardness and it was obvious at [our friend's block] party. Does it make you feel better to treat me like you do? I mean, I feel this is a** backwards. You are the one who dumped me and hurt me very much, yet you seem to the one who avoids me. It would make more sense if it was the other way around.

 

Do you think I still want you back? Do you think I was trying to scheme you into getting back together with me? Do you think I still have feelings for you? If so, then you are even more selfish and narcissistic than I ever thought before.

 

I told you before that you were a person that I cared very much about. I obviously am someone you could care less about and that hurts.

 

There is one last thing I want to say to you, and that is Thank You for breaking up with me! Yes, I am thankful you did. Because if you didn’t, I wouldn’t be the person I am now. I am really happy with the work I put into myself this year with [my therapist] and I have come a long way. I am finally becoming happy with who I am. It really feels great even though the circumstances in my life right now are very stressful.

 

Here it is, almost 10 months later after you dumped me. I thought by now you would be over everything and things between us could at least be friendly.

 

Believe or not, I wish you the best and I hope you’re happy even though the tone of this email seems like it has a tinge of anger. It’s more accurately frustration than anger, though. And yes, a part of me misses you but I give up in trying to reach out to you only to get nothing in return.

 

Good luck, take care, and if you want to be friends, then fine. I am open to it but as it stands now, we are not friends. My friends certainly don’t treat me like you do. If you don’t, then don’t ever contact me again and please don’t even send me any text messages on my birthday or holidays because it's such a feeble attempt to make it seem like you actually give a sh*t.

 

Sincerely,

R______

[Babetears]

deejay74,

 

I understand how you feel... my situation is a little different from you... i'm actually on the other side of you... I was the one who broke up with my ex... its been a year since we broke up... i just want to be friends that's it... but seems like he doesn't want to... so i'm just going to stop trying once and for all... it's not worth going through all this pain just to try to be friends with your ex...

[deejay74]

deejay74,

 

I understand how you feel... my situation is a little different from you... i'm actually on the other side of you... I was the one who broke up with my ex... its been a year since we broke up... i just want to be friends that's it... but seems like he doesn't want to... so i'm just going to stop trying once and for all... it's not worth going through all this pain just to try to be friends with your ex...

 

 

thanks for understanding. it's interesting for me to get a perspective from "the other side".

 

may i ask why you want to be friends with him since you broke up with him?

 

but you are right, if a year has gone by and he's not showing any interest, then it's time to cut your losses.

 

i wish i could have come to this point a long time ago but it's better late than never. i also think i had to really want to close this chapter and make it really final.

[Babetears]

I always want to be friends with my ex... or atleast i try to... but it's not going to work if they don't want to be friends... i guess i want to be friends cause i'm always the one who get broken up with... and i happen to be on both side before... when i was on your side i wanted to stay friends with the one who broke my heart... but ofcourse they never want to stay friends... so since this time im on the other side i wouldn't want my ex to go through what i went through trying to be friends... but it seems like it doesn't matter for me if i broke up with my ex or if he broke up with me...cause it seems like he doesn't want to be friend with me... so up to today i finally realize that it's not worth trying anymore... maybe it's better off this way... when we do see each other one day... we might be stranger to each other or we might just catch up... we'll never know... nobody knows what the future have plan for us... but atleast i know for now it's not worth getting angry, frustrated and wondering why... it's just not worth it... maybe when you leave it alone and when they think it's time they want to be your friend they will contact you in the future.... until then just enjoy life as it comes to you...

[deejay74]

I always want to be friends with my ex... or atleast i try to... but it's not going to work if they don't want to be friends... i guess i want to be friends cause i'm always the one who get broken up with... and i happen to be on both side before... when i was on your side i wanted to stay friends with the one who broke my heart... but ofcourse they never want to stay friends... so since this time im on the other side i wouldn't want my ex to go through what i went through trying to be friends...

 

wow, you seem like a very considerate and compassionate person. i completely understand your perspective on these things.

 

what's really disappointing for me is i don't have a reason why she doesn't want to be friends or even respond to my correspondence at the very least. if she said that she thinks i am some crazed-psycho-ex-bf then at least i would have an answer. but nothing... nada... it's also rude when you don't get a response, ex or not.

 

well, it's finally time for me to press on. no turning back now.

[Scout]

deejay, it's clear that this whole situation has been a monumentally frustrating one for you. I'm really sorry you've been struggling with those feelings for this long, but I entirely understand why. It's obvious this girl really meant something to you when you were together. It just sucks she can't give back what you need, either in a relationship, as friends, hell, even as a civil acquaintance.

 

Hopefully, you are discovering once and for all there's just no way she's ever going to be able to meet your needs, so you'll finally be free of the memory of her. Someone out there will be more than happy to give you the love, understanding, and goodwill you want and need. It'll happen, friend.

[Daddy Bear]

hey, deej... remember me? i'm one of the many people who have been rooting for you here since April.

 

this is it, man. this is your moment. her silence is all the answer you need. she does not want to be friends or anything else. her reasons are her reasons, and to hear them would bring you no happiness. shine it.

 

time to start living again. no more pathetic monkey face avatars, no more sad song sigs, no more composing creepy-sounding emails, and above all... no more wasting your life on somebody who doesn't ever want to hear from you again. screw all of that! you deserve a much better life.

 

the women of NYC are impatiently waiting for you. now pull your metaphorical tail out from between your legs, get on your metaphorical bad motor scooter with the Beasties blaring and your head up high, and do your swing thing!

[Scout]

Agree with SB, although I don't think your email was creepy-sounding, lol. But, it's definitely time to stop trying to figure out the puzzle of this girl. If you discovered the answer, I'm sure what you find wouldn't reflect well on her, and then you'd be left with the realization you just spent ten months trying to figure out a stupid riddle.

 

Ten months of your life. That's almost a year.

 

Now, you've been doing some good things in this year, and I applaud the therapy. Stick with it. But also, you should ask your therapist for some techniques to undo habitual thinking patterns. At this point, you're a little habituated to thinking about this girl, and this could be more about the fact you've been doing it so long, rather than any actual feelings for her.

[deejay74]

thanks scout and slightly bent - i always appreciate your responses.

 

yes, of course i remember you SB! i added that funny monkey pic to add some humor to my posts because i was so depressed when i first started posting on here. but perhaps you are right about the lyrics - it's just that JD and NO are my favorite bands.

 

scout, thanks for recognizing the good things i've been doing this year. ironically i have worked on trying to get myself out of the mental "loop" that ive been on for so long. we've tried almost every technique but nothing lasts. so, we have some more work ahead of us. i am assuming there's something way deep inside me that keeps me on that loop. perhaps it is just pure habit, i have thought about that before. and thanks for thinking my email wasn't creepy. SB had me worried for a second.

 

you're right, this is it! (i feel like i should be hearing some sad violin music right now, LOL! and it feels like some 80s sad romantic movie is ending).

[Daddy Bear]

sorry much, i didn't mean that the emails you've posted about WERE creepy, just that she will likely read them that way.

 

i also should have congratulated you for getting into therapy and for declaring that it's time for you to move on--slightlybent bad!

[deejay74]

sorry much, i didn't mean that the emails you've posted about WERE creepy, just that she will likely read them that way.

 

i also should have congratulated you for getting into therapy and for declaring that it's time for you to move on--slightlybent bad!

 

no worries! it's all good. again, thanks for your support and your responses to my posts!

 

you know what would be the funniest thing about all this? i have NO IDEA if she ever had her email program to filter my mail to go straight into the "junk mail" folder. wouldn't that be hysterical?!

[crvers]

Hey Deej,

 

I appreciate the responses you have provided me over the past couple of months. In retrospect their some similiarities between our situation. Maybe not in the duration of our relationships or how they ended, but more in how we are both dealing with the repurcussions of it.

 

I believe we have both followed one anothers postings, and have both seen ups and downs regarding our significant others. In so long, we have both fought with our own selves over the why's...we have both battled with a ghost who is no longer existing in our lives...And for whatever reasons we have both held onto a thread of hope, believing that maybe one day they will realize that we are good guys and want to be with us....

 

To let go of it all is difficult, and it hurts. Because the relevance of finally giving that up, means that we have to continue our lives only looking to the future and believing someone of such greater proportions will enter our lives.

 

As you know, I saw a photograph of her the other day. And it shook me to the core. It shook me because it was the first time in many month that the contact I had was visual. I hadn't seen her in a long time. But the thing is: I was upset at first. She looked happy. She looked beautiful...she had this new hair thing that looks sensational on her....she looked happy...And for some reason seeing her like that evaporated something that I couldn't let go...I don't know how to describe it but something that night finally clicked off...

 

Seeing her happy, made me realize that I am not the one doing that for her anymore. We both have our own lives to live. We both have our own futures to look forward on. And if we're meant for anything in those futures...then when it happens..friendship...it will. And we'll both be happy for that to happen. If it doesn't...then I know she is doing well and thats all that matters. Months back I had said that tI wanted her to be happy, but I was lying then. I wanted her to be with me and I didn't care about anything else.

 

I guess the point I am making is Deej, eventually we both have to let go. Like really let go, and look forward. I don't know what the future holds, but we should both do it looking for our own happiness. Because we're the only ones able to achieve that. Goodluck and Godspeed my friend. You have made leaps since I first began speaking to you. Its unfortunate that this woman doesn't truly know what she lost. But this experience will hopefully push you in a direction that'll place you to someone who will.

 

-Chris

[Scout]

Beautifully said, Chris. You've made your own leaps in the past several months, too. I mean, seriously. You have come a far, far place from the guy who was only seeing things in one narrow perspective.

 

And deejay, you're gonna be ok. I know this has been an often upsetting last ten months, largely from frustration due to her inexplicably cold manner after the break up, but it also triggered going to therapy, learning more about yourself, all things that are invaluable tools in life.

 

Well, I've been following both your threads for some time, so I look forward to even bigger quantum leaps from you two in '07!

[crvers]

I know this may sound very cliche, but after all the garbage, the emotions, the rage, and feelings of abandonment and better yet the feelings of betrayal...if you love that person, if you really felt that they impacted your life so much, then the only thing you can do is give them exactly what they want...

 

...if they ignore you, or tell you to move on, or begin dating someone else...that request is apparent. So...when your ready...as most have shown in this forum...when your ready to let that person go in your heart, realize that that can be the most loving thing you could ever do for them, and you.

[deejay74]

hey crvers, thanks for that eloquent post. and i do appreciate your responses as well.

 

i don't know why it was so hard for me to finally get to this point. as scout pointed out, i have put 10 months of my life into trying to maintain some kind of relationship or connection to my ex.

 

it's both painful to finally let go and to never have gotten a response from my ex, even now after a long time.

 

i think that after all i have been through this year, me finally letting go and basically "giving up" is not going to be as hard as i expected. i am exhausted emotionally and mentally and i simply don't have anymore energy to devote to that girl. and i guess that's what i had to do for myself in order for me to move on.

[deejay74]

so i got a response from her, sort of what i expected. but she mentions that i called and hung up at 3am, but that hasn't happened in months. i did that a very long time ago and i hung up cuz i got scared.

 

anyway, here it is. please let me know what you think:

 

Its obvious that you need closure further than what has already been given

to this situation so this is an attempt to give that to you so that you can

move on.

 

I don't hate you but I do have boundaries that I feel need to be in place

because, while you may have made progress and gotten better, I don't know if

you are fully over it. Your emails show me that, while it may be my

narcissistic tendencies and self-absorption making me think this, it is

possibly otherwise. I don't respond because I feel that will make the

situation worse. I don't try to make the situation worse. I just try to deal

with it in the way that I feel is best. Maybe it isn't best for you, but for

me it is. We are not friends, Rich. We have not been friends since the phone

call when I asked you not to speak to me. I know that you have an impression

of me that I cheated on you and if that is what you need to think so that

its easier for you, then fine. Think whatever you want. I know what is true

and I can feel comfortable with myself with no guilt.

 

Over time, I have come to realize that while it is my stuff that ended our

relationship, I feel you began to smother me. This is what ultimately keeps

me out of relationships now because I do not want to feel like I am

exhausting my energy in a relationship that just goes in circles when I have

no time to invest in that. And even now, almost a year after things have

ended, I feel like I still have to put forth energy into helping you to

understand things. Even more so than when we were together, my time is

limited. Because of the fact that I want you to move on and be happy, I am

writing. The only bad feelings I harbour towards you are when I get the same

emails twice, hang up calls at 3 or 4am, and feel that you are grabbing onto

something that is not there. I am not really sure how much more clear I can

make it other than by not replying or responding. And I had planned on

responding to your email, I just needed to find the time to do it when I

would not be replying from a place of anger. I appreciate you sending me

invites to hear you spin, but that is your thing and you should own it

without me being there. Its great that you are doing what you love again.

And sure, you can be angry and resentful. Its life and if those are your

feelings, then feel them.

 

I know that when we make progress within ourselves, that even the smallest

step can feel great. I do also know that it takes a long time to truly make

a dent in old habits that are hard to move away from. So, keep on keeping on

and eventually, all your issues with your mom and me will end up being a

distant memory and you will open up your life to healthy relationships with

people who are willing to give what it takes to make you happy and give you

what you need. And don't worry; I won't send you messages anymore.

[Deserted1]

Just something I thought of, for a man in your position, something your ex doesn't seem to understand, but it's her loss. Even though it seems that all you ask for is her friendship. The HOOK "why can't you see" always seems to ring out. This is for you D. Keep on Healing!

NEW ORDER

 

"Confusion"

 

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you mean to me

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you cannot see

 

You're hiding from feelings, searching for more

Sharing and hoping, untouched for so long

Our lives still change from the way that we were

And now I'll tell you something I think you should know

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you mean to me

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you cannot see

 

You cause me confusion, you told me you cared

He's calling these changes that last to the end

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies

The past is your present, the future is mine

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you mean to me

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you cannot see

 

You tell me you need me, I'll make it this time

The thread won't divide us, the sensation survives

I was sure that I told you it was good from the face

You've caused me some problems, you've taken my place

 

Why can't you see what you mean to me?

[jenny_mcs]

so i got a response from her, sort of what i expected. but she mentions that i called and hung up at 3am, but that hasn't happened in months. i did that a very long time ago and i hung up cuz i got scared.

 

anyway, here it is. please let me know what you think:

 

 

I think she could have not been more direct. I am so sorry for the pain this obviously brings, but now you know. And now you can finish your journey of moving on from her.

 

I know it doen't feel like it, but she is giving you so much more respect than the exes that call up to cry on an exes shoulder, play with their emotions, and string them along.

 

You will get past this. (hugs)

 

jenny

[deejay74]

there are 3 more emails that went back and forth. honestly, i am happy she said the things she said because i never got her answers. so i feel a bit of satisfaction but at the same time, i am a little aggravated by some of the things she said:

 

Me:

Why couldn't you have said all of this a long time ago? You always gave me these vague and ambiguous answers that just led me to more confusion.

 

Why didn't you tell me that you felt I was smothering you? I had asked you many times, when I sensed you were pulling away, what was wrong and you never could tell me. I think I began to smother you because you were pulling away, and I didn't know what else to do. And near the time it ended, you really weren't putting any energy into our relationship. I was the one going in circles, you were the one who wanted out.

 

Why did you feel responding would make the situation worse? Perhaps a few months after the break up it would have but so much time has passed since then. And treating me the way you did at Frail's party made you feel better? I tried twice to talk to you in a nice way but it was you who made things really awkward.

 

I know we aren't friends, so again, I don't know why you sent me a lame text message on my birthday? I wished you hadn't because that little msg confused things even more.

 

I know these are a lot of "whys" but unfortunately, that's how you left things.

 

How in the world are you still putting energy into me? Does it really take that much energy to respond to an email?? I mean, c'mon.

 

I am not angry, but I was frustrated. A lot of what you have said in this email is news to me and I really wished you could've expressed these feelings when we were together because I definitely would have made an attempt to correct things. It saddens me that you weren't able to express your feelings to me.

 

I sent you an invite to come hear me spin not because I "need" you there, but because I am proud that I am out there again and because I thought you might enjoy the night out.

 

I didn't want things to be this way, but I feel that while I may have been a part of making it like this, I also tried my best to correct the mistakes I made so that we could at least be friends. But again, you can't seem to forgive me and it's obvious that you are holding a grudge based on that last call I had with you. I am sorry for what I did, I cannot apologize anymore.

 

I am sorry you don't want to be friends but that's your choice and your loss. I know in my heart of hearts, I did my best when I was with you and that I loved you a great deal. Probably more than you know.

 

I resent the fact that you think I haven't moved on. I have but I really wanted to keep you in my life because you did mean a lot to me.

 

What really blows my mind is that I distinctly remember you literally running to steve when you saw him at PS1 when you were with me. And also the fact that you were so upset that he was moving to china w/o even telling you. Also you were constantly calling Chris your "Soul Mate" while we were together. How do you think that made me feel and why I am I so different than steve? I guess I'll never know.

 

You know, it's not that I don't want you to send me messages, I do. But don't if you don't really mean any of it.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Her:

This is why its energy. Because I am working and I have to answer the why's.

It is energy when you have to think about what to say and how to say it so

that it does not inflict hurt on the other person. I said that after time

has passed, I realized that I thought you were smothering me. After time has

passed. How could I have spoken to you about it at the time if I don't come

to the realization until after?

 

About Frail's party, those were my boundaries. You left and came back, which

made me feel uncomfortable so I felt like I needed boundaries. I am allowed

to set my boundaries. I don't know why I sent out a message on your

birthday. Perhaps its because I was sending out birthday messages and you

were one of the july birthdays. I know 8 people with birthdays around yours.

I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. My apologies.

 

As far as Steve, he was my best friend for 2+ years and still continues to

be one of my good friends that I can talk to about anything. He was also,

even more so than luke, the person that I love more than anyone that I have

been with. I was with him for 2 years and there was a lot that happened

between us to make the situation what it was. And after a long time, I did

not want to continue going back and forth with him so I ended it. It was a

difficult decision and at times I wish I hadn't but it was for the best. And

I didn't run to him at PS1. I had the option to go out with him afterwards,

but choose not to. Our relationship was not even 1/4 of that. As far as

Chris, he is my soulmate. That doesn't mean that I think we should be

together. Far from it. But the connection will always be there and even

though he is married and living in san francisco, we still talk and are

close. But neither of these relationships is you and you should not compare

yourself to them. I made it very clear when I met you that I was trying

something different with you. You said that you were scared you would get

hurt, yet you still consented. It wasn't a good fit and unfortunately in

relationships, that is a possible outcome. I am sorry.

 

And as far as a birthday message, I don't see anything confusing about

saying happy birthday. Its not like I wanted you to have a horrible birthday

or I would have sent you that message instead.

 

I hope that answers the whys. I have a ton of work that needs to get done so

I am back to it. Goodnight.

 

 

and my final response:

You respond when you feel like it, so if you decided to respond right now, that's your decision and not mine. You chose to devote some "energy" into responding when you did and not because I was holding a gun to your head telling you you'd better respond right away. So I am not to blame for this. I don't think you can say or do anything to hurt me more than you already have.

 

You were obviously feeling something before you dumped me so your lack of being in touch with your feelings is another thing I cannot accept responsibility for. I feel that you are trying to blame me for a lot of things that I had nothing to do with. But that's your prerogitive if it makes you feel better about things.

 

At Frail's party, I never left. It was you who left with Lisa and Krista and then came back to that bar later on. I was there the whole time with Frail and we went straight to the bar afterwards. You didn't show up until much later. I remember you saying you were going to Love with the other girls. Again, don't try and blame me for something that didn't happen. You can ask frai if necessary to substantiate my statement. Yes you are allowed to set boundaries but honestly, what are you afraid of?

 

Yes you did run into him at PS1 when you were with ME and JULIE! I can't believe you don't remember that. Yes, you literally RAN up to him. But whatever, I should've seen that red flag and acknowledged it. And I never talked about other girls that I was with in front of you that would make you feel uncomfortable.

 

You never made it clear with me that you were trying something "different". All you said was you needed a lot of attention and that you would be busy with school when it started. I was okay with that but I had no idea that you would basically ignore me when things got busy for you.

 

You say that we weren't friends after the phone call. Well my birthday was months afterwards. I don't know about you, but I don't send happy birthday wishes to people who aren't my friends or who I don't care about.

 

I hope you get your work done but don't blame me because you chose to respond when you did.

--------------------------------------------------

 

There - it's so done and over with. I am finished!!!

[deejay74]

she responded once again but i am not going to post it. it doesn't really matter what she said in that last email but with each email she sent, her tone got worse. i guess i really can't blame her but a lot of what she said about me and what she was feeling was all news to me and it makes me a litle frustrtated that she couldn't tell me all of these things.

 

to me, based on her responses, is that she basically dumped me for unknown reasons. she said, in her email, that she didn't know at the time what was bothering her. so to me, she just dumped me because it didn't "feel right"? that's really lame.

 

correct me if i am wrong, but she seems like someone who isn't in tune with her feelings and just likes to leave people when she's not sure of her feelings. i guess she's not good at communication?

[jenny_mcs]

Oh, deejay. I think she is very good at communicating her feelings. I think she has told you over and over that she ended the relationship because she was not feeling it for you. I think she is very much in tune with her feelings.

 

She writes clearly and to the point. At this point you are arguing and picking apart when's and where's and who's, and that is never a pretty picture.

 

This girl was not feeling it anymore, so she ended things. I'm sorry this has hurt you so much, but she seems very clear and very direct, and very much not wanting to have these kinds of conversations with you anymore.

 

I think you need to stop contacting her, and really, remove any future relationship, including friendship, from your thoughts.

[deejay74]

Oh, deejay. I think she is very good at communicating her feelings. I think she has told you over and over that she ended the relationship because she was not feeling it for you. I think she is very much in tune with her feelings.

 

She writes clearly and to the point. At this point you are arguing and picking apart when's and where's and who's, and that is never a pretty picture.

 

This girl was not feeling it anymore, so she ended things. I'm sorry this has hurt you so much, but she seems very clear and very direct, and very much not wanting to have these kinds of conversations with you anymore.

 

I think you need to stop contacting her, and really, remove any future relationship, including friendship, from your thoughts.

 

 

right i hear you *but* she is telling me these things 10 months later. 10 months!! it took her that long to figure out her real feelings of why she didn't want to be with me?

[deejay74]

all this information i have rec'd from my ex is both informative and aggravating. i am not hurt by anything she said and in fact, i went to look at her myspace page for the first time in months, and i didn't see anything that hurt me. i think i am beyond that stage.

 

what i did see, was a blog entry that she posted last night after our email exchanges. in it she says:

 

"Two, what is up with the crazy ex's??? Calls all night long, hang up voice mails and multiple random text messages. Last week I heard from or saw each one of my ex's. Nevermind that it just happened to be my busiest week so far with school and I was sick. The added drama of these ex's just makes me never want to have a relationship again. Why does life post break up have to be all dramafied? I have too much energy to crawl into a hole of darkness and hide out. Just leave me alone or be cool!!!!! To the ex's that were actually cool, thanks. I appreciate that I didn't have to deal with any stupid crap during my insane week."

 

umm, i really don't know who she's referring to because i haven't called her in months, haven't seen her in months, and haven't sent any text messages to her in almost a year (if i remember correctly).

 

and i know that she had 2 exes before me and neither of them live in new york. sooooo, that must mean she dated someone after me and that just confirms my speculation that she left me for someone else. I remember one of my first posts, Relationship Coach said it looks like she did leave me for someone else.

 

what makes me mad is if she is talking about me, she is the one who created all the drama, especially after the dust had settled. in her emails, she even said she is the one who was putting up boundaries, not me.

 

anyway, i am not hurt at all. i am pretty angry at her and i am holding onto the anger so that i can push her even further away from me.

[Scout]

deejay...this girl has a perspective of things that you are not going to be able to change. That is just the way it is with people, sometimes. She has made up her mind that you're "smothering" you're a "crazy ex" you're giving her "crap," and so on and so on.

 

She has also made up her mind that some married guy is her soulmate.

 

Instead of feeling confounded by her, why not just feel some sorrow for her that she has an unbending stubborn streak that doesn't serve her well and tendency to sum people up in a less than kind way - and then send a little prayer to God thanking him you didn't end up with her for good?

 

She is not an emotionally mature person, it's that simple. If she was, she would honestly acknowledge that sending you a birthday email was completely out of step with her previous behavior, and it was, simply put, a dumb, not well though out thing for her to do.

 

This is a girl who externalizes that everyone else is crazy, everyone else is sapping her energy, everyone else is preventing her from work, and so on. (And the only good guy is the one who is married to someone else...think about how unhealthy and out of touch this girl really is, deej!)

 

I'm no shrink, but she honestly sounds like she has some narcissistic tendencies. Which means you are never, and I mean NEVER going to be able to get through to her.

 

At this point, I think you've done what you need to do to get closure. I find no fault with you for saying the things you did or asking the questions you had. I also give her some credit for actually answering, I really didn't think she would.

 

But I also stand by my comments above. I think you actually have all the answers right in front of you, but you're taking all this so personally. You're overlooking many things she's done and said that I can guarantee she's done to others before you (or else, she wouldn't be talking about "crazy" exes in the plural sense).

 

I think it says a lot about her, by the way, that she refers to a couple of calls and email invites as "crazy." That's a drastic label to apply, in fact, it's nonsense. Again, it indicates how out of touch this girl is.

 

There is going to have to be a point where you realize you are expending an enormous amount of energy and thought on such a person and it's draining you. I hope you can let go. You seem like a bright guy, but you are also being a bit unbendingly stubborn yourself by holding onto this grudge against her. Instead of realizing that you two were mismatched, she's emotionally immature and possibly narcissistic, and it's over - and it's GOOD it's over.

[deejay74]

scout, as always, you are absolutely right. i really want to thank you for your wise responses to my posts. i wish i knew you so i can give you a gigantic hug and i wish i could show you my appreciation for everything you've said.

 

i am glad i got all this information out from her and i will try very hard to do what you've said above. i know i have wasted a lot of time and energy on this girl and i don't have anymore to use.

 

sometimes it takes hearing (or reading) it from someone else to make it sink in.

 

thanks again scout, it really means a lot to me what you've said above.

 

and thanks to everyone else who either have followed my struggle this year or who have offered help and advice.

 

what's really funny and somewhat irritating to me is that all her friends and people that she hasn't been in a relationship with all think she's some wonderful, generous (yes generous!), and genuine person that people seem to love. and i don't get that. why can't they see how selfish she really is? it's not that hard to tell. just read the comments on her myspace page. (oh wait, you don't know what the address is, pm me and i can tell you if you want).