Can it work?

[Lovely8466]

How many of you believe a relationship can work when you both are opposite, but in the sense that you don't share a lot of the same interests and such?

 

I'm in that situation... it's been a very very tough year with my bf. We fought a lot b/c of our differences, and I'm starting to believe things may never change for the better. I don't enjoy his main interests and he's not much into mine. We do things for each other to make each other happy, but in my head I'm not sure how much longer I can accept this. It's not my scene... so I'm just confused if this can even really work in the long run.

[annie24]

i think your core values may be even more important than shared interests. do you both want the same things out of life? similar viewpoints? religions?

[Honey Pumpkin]

I agree with Annie, I think core values are intrinsic to a relationship. But as for having different interests - I think that's not a total barrier. It depends how you handle it. I know quite a few of my married friends who are completely different, and yet it works.

 

I think it's about being open and non-judgemental; and also taking pleasure in what the other likes doing, although it might not be what you always like doing. So, say you like a beach holiday and he likes mountaineering (bad example, but I'm tired!), then maybe take turns, but take turns with a good heart and willing to get the most out of the experience, rather than just going along with it.

 

What ways are you different?

[friscodj]

I think this really, really tough year you alluded to will tell the tale of the future should you keep getting deeper into this relationship. Can you make this work? Yes. Will it be like it has been or even tougher? Yes.

 

I've dated women who I would consider to be in many senses completely the opposite of myself. Those relationships invariably became emotionally draining rollercoasters and I get that sense here with your mention of the fighting.

 

I think the bigger issue here is why are you in this relationship besides that you love each other? What else are you getting out of it? I don't see any hint of these answers in your post and your choice to leave out such information is very telling.

 

As far as the "long run", imagine yourself married, with children, owning a house together. What does this picture look like to you?

[rmpavlock]

It's good to have different interests, but not to the point where you don't enjoy each other's company. Do you share the same goals? Do you want the same things? Is this someone you can see a future with?

[annie24]

what are the differences you two fight about?

[Lovely8466]

Well the reason I am still around is because for the most part, he treats me well. When we have good moments, it is so much fun and I'm very happy. We do both want pretty similiar things in the future, but I have tried picturing him in the future such as if we were married and had children. I can see some of it, but I'm not sure how it would be because of our differences. I don't know how to explain some of these differences... let's see...

 

Well, he is 2 years older than me... and I feel I am the more mature one in this relationship. Sometimes it bothers me how childish he acts. He's not as responsible as myself. He makes poor decisions. These are some of the things I have been starting to notice. It's weird, because I have noticed them before, but for some reason I thought he was starting to change, for the better. Especially after being with me and seeing my ways. I was expecting too much. His main interest/hobby is cars. I have no problem with that, but it's almost like an addiction with him. EVERY day he has to check the same car forums, at least 5 times a day. Even over at my house, or wherever we are with the damn internet. He wastes his money on the most ridiculous things for his car, (and he really can't afford these things!) He attends stupid car meets, which in my opinion is stupid (because most of the kids are high school boys!) Anyways, that's been a big burden on me because I will never be interested in that, and he doesn't care to help me understand why he is so fascinated by some of this stuff. I just don't want to be involved in that lifestyle... especially that late at night. All of this stuff... is just showing me that maybe I should find someone who is more like myself.

 

I have never been in such a situation before... where I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before... but I'm beginning to feel it may never work the way I would love it to. It's so hard...

[DN]

There is no reason why you can't have separate interests. But there is also no reason why you can't develop additional new interests together.

 

BTW - he is not immature because his interests differ from yours anymore than you are immature because yours are different from his.

[Lovely8466]

I never said he was immature b/c of his interests (i.e. cars) but he is for other reasons, a few I mentioned. All I know is that if I had this huge fascination for something, and couldn't get my significant other into it with me, then I wouldn't be happy. I would want to share some common interests, especially the main ones you love yourself. And we don't share that... which is why I feel stuck right now.

[DN]

What is your major interest?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

one thing that everyone should consider in a relationship is that marriage will NOT change the person, they have to want to change and make their own changes to themselves. and if you think his interests are so divergent from yours that you are already disgusted with him about it, that won't change either if you get married, it will probably get worse.

 

i married a man who was quite different in goals/interests than mine, though i felt i loved him and we could overcome these differences because i had plenty of my own interests, but we spent 8 futile years trying to 'adapt' to each other and ended up divorced.

 

the main problem was he was totally obsessed with sports to the point of turning on ESPN the second he got home from work, until 11 p.m. each night, then starting at 10 a.m. Saturday morning and going thru 11 p.m. Sunday night. So he was either watching sports, or attending sports events. his father had been a football coach so football and sports was religion in their family, but i was (and still am) TOTALLY uninterested in sports and the thought of spending every free minute in watching spectator sports horrified me.

 

before we were married he did spend time with me doing other things besides sports, but after the marriage, he 'reverted' to his family's normal behavior, watching sports constantly. he would also complain and pout if i suggested going out to dinner or doing anything else that was not sports related, because there was always some 'important' game or another he couldn't miss, and ALL games in ALL sports were important to him. so eventually i just quit asking him to do things with me to reduce conflict in the marraige.

 

so for years i went about finding ways to fill the evenings and weekends i spent alone while he followed his own interests, until one Saturday morning i woke up and realized i had 48 hours ahead of me listening to the TV blare sports from the basement TV room, and that i was more alone and lonely being married to him than when i was single! so we divorced, and the marriage died with a whimper rather than a bang because after 8 years whatever common ground we thought we had because of 'love' had eroded from under our feet due to lack of interest in any common activities, and his refusal to pursue any activities that weren't his own personal interests.

 

i am not sure what happened later with him because we did not have children to keep in contact over, but i do know he remarried and my hope is that his second wife is a female sports junkie, or the poor thing is in for some lonely times, just like me...

 

it is normal and very healthy to have some of your own private interests that are unshared with your partner, but in moderation, and there should also be some common interests that you are both excited enough about to do together. otherwise if you marry him, you will just grow increasingly resentful of the time and resources he devotes to his interests that take away from you and your marriage (and your future children if you have them).

 

so i suggest that you tell him you need to share some common interests (and find out what those are), and if there are none, or he refuses to take any time out from his own car interests to pursue other activities that can please both of you (or alternate taking turns doing things the other person wants to do), then it is hopeless and you better to nip it in the bud before doing a marriage and all the mess that a divorce brings...

[friscodj]

What an amazing post BeStrongBeHappy...very, very well done...

[Ms. Babydoll]

I'm in a relationship that is quite the same. My boyfriend and I have many differences and yet we are still going strong and we've nearly been together for 7 months now. The way we worked through our fights etc was by communicating and understanding what is most important, the love we have for one another. Differences can be complicating and get in the way but when times get rough you've gotta remind each other of the one thing you both have in common, love for one another and you can pull through whatever gets in the way.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

oh babydoll, 7 months is a nanosecond in a lifetime of a relationship... don't confuse the infatuation that lasts a year or two in a new relationship with enduring love... you and your boyfriend may indeed have enduring love, but the infatuation that helps one 'overcome all' in the face of disagreements evaporates a couple years into the relationship, not at 7 months.

 

enduring love is built on common goals, interests, respect, and mature decisions as to what benefits both the individuals and the relationship. and for many people, a huge gap in interests will eventually erode the common ground you stand on. the best of marriages and relationships are built with people who do NOT have to fight it out all the time and spend a lot of time dealing with differences, so don't let a haze of hormones in a new relationship blind you to major differences and problems that may not stand the test of time... just saying... if you still are going strong *without* a lot of fights in 18 months or a couple more years, THEN i would think it is true love that can overcome all differences.

[blemished]

I agree with bestrong & Frisco. You're not going to want to address this issue thoroughly, because no one ever does while stuck in it. But one day you'll wake up like beStrong did, or you'll just resent your partner for the duration of your time together, as sad as that sounds.

[Lovely8466]

Thank you bestrongbehappy... I think you had a great post. And I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, but it helped to read that b/c honestly, I have pictured myself married to this guy, and that's how I pictured it. Which is why I've had so many doubts about this relationship. I'm not happy, which is the bottom line. I do think it is important to have separate interests, but it's also good to have common ones. He will never change b/c of his car interests and this crazy obsession he has with them and I will never be into it like he is. I don't think I will ever accept it on the level he does, and we both deserve someone that has more common interests. It's very unfortunate... and this has been built on my shoulders for months... as a matter of fact I blurted some of it out tonight (while he was at another car thing) and I said some things...

There is just never time where I can sit and talk with him--- I've been at the point with him in this relationship where I have given up, I don't even want to try anymore. I've been unhappy and depressed for too long... letting go is the hardest part

[BeStrongBeHappy]

the fact that you don't even have time to sit down and talk with him (i presume because of his car activities) should tell you he has not made you a priority, and has already chosen what is most important to him over you, the cars. it is very very hard to leave someone you have invested yourself in, who may have lots of good qualities, but not the qualities you need to be happy, but staying longer won't fix that situation and just prolong the pain.

 

you do not need to rush into a breakup if you are not emotionally there yet, but i would suggest that you just stop doing the work to try to maintain the relationship, and see what happens... does he try to see you and stay in contact with you, miss your attentions, or just continue on his merry way ignoring you while pursuing car interests? there are some people who are perfectly happy in a relationship where the only time they meet up is for sex and an occasional sandwhich (some humor there), but don't really want/need to spend much other time with their partner once their more primal needs (food/sex) get met...

 

so he may be perfectly happy with the situation as it is, but you obviously want (and deserve) more from a relationship than babysitting a car junkie... l don't regret marrying my sports junkie, because we both had the best of intentions, i just regret that i wasted so much time on someone who obviously was not that interested in anything but sports, even me! i pretty much knew one year into the marriage that i was not happy, but it took 7 years of beating my head into the wall to realize i did NOT have to live with someone who made no effort to connect with me on any real level...

 

so good luck, and i'm sure he will get over it, always another car show or whatever for him to see... meanwhile, you can be off persuing things that make you happy, and find someone who enjoys those same things (and your company) as well.

[uofaboy9]

oh babydoll, 7 months is a nanosecond in a lifetime of a relationship

 

Hmmm...7 months out of 24 months would be 29% of time allocated. Certainly not a nanosecond in many respects. No one in any relationship will ever get to know another person 100%. It is a continuous commitment where there are no time ranges. In my opinion, what matters is the mutual respect, love, understanding and care that a couple possesses and shares to endure whatever obstacle they may encounter. Just my two cents. Good-luck!