Terrified of facing the truth, and I have nowhere to turn.

[Julie8580]

This is my first post ever. I have spent the last few days reading a bunch of the threads and it has been somewhat helpful. I called my health care provider and the soonest I can get in to see a counselor is three weeks. I'm having a difficult time right now so I thought I would try posting.

 

This is a complicated situation, it's almost too overwhelming to try and sum it up in one post. I'll try.

 

I met my husband when I was 19. We immediately fell in love and were spending every day and night together after the first week of dating. I met him only a month or so after I broke up with my first love, who I had been with for just four months. I'll call my husband "John." Okay, so John proposed to me the summer before my senior year at University and I accepted. I remember being a little hesitant, but not wanting to break things off. We got married 2 years later.

 

We started living together officially about a year into our relationship. About a year later, things started to feel stale in the bedroom. At the time, I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

 

We have been married for six years now, and together for nine, almost ten years. He wants to start a family, has wanted to for several years. I feel that I got married too young and I don't want to make the same mistake with getting pregnant.

 

I have started thinking about other men, men who I've been intimate with in the past. That's limited to 2, maybe 3 guys. One of whom, I have been emailing with and we've always had a flirty kind of relationship. He is also married. We met up a few weeks ago and there was a clear attraction but we just talked. We live in different states and I don't think we'll see eachother again any time soon.

 

I am no longer attracted to John. I love him, and I can picture us growing old together, but it scares me that I am 29 years old and having sex only a couple times a month. And it's not that I don't want to have sex more, but my husband just doesn't do it for me anymore. We were in counseling but I always felt that we were kind of putting on a happy face for the counselor. John said he didn't think it was helping, but then, he doesn't really think we have any problems. I know he is tired of being patient with me. It is kind of scary to me that he seems happy with how things are going, maybe he is in denial.

 

If we weren't married, if we didn't have a mortgage, I would definitely break up with him just to give myself some time and space to think about what I want in my life. But because we are married and I can't afford to move out and pay the mortgage, I feel totally stuck. It is hard for me at home because I can tell he wants to "make up" and yeah, that would be so much easier to do. We had a huge falling out last summer and he has referenced it, saying, "I hope you're not going to have another quarter-life-crisis, like last summer".... but the thing is, the feelings I had last summer were real and they weren't ever resolved since I'm feeling the same things now.

 

Okay I know this is getting long, and there's really no point that I'm getting accross. I don't know if I'm asking for advice, but it does feel better to get it out there. I made an appointment to speak with a professional but like I said, it is going to be three weeks. I am afraid that by the time three weeks rolls around, I will have re-buried these feelings because it's easier that way and I will cancel my appointment because I don't want to deal.

 

I know I must sound really immature, I mean, even when I read these words, I'm kind of rolling my eyes, and thinking, "Just leave him already!" but the reality is that I am not that strong. I have never broken up with anyone, and it is difficult to think about hurting him and living my life without him. We have a very comfortable life together, we know just what to do for eachother to make ourselves feel loved and safe. I can see myself living this way forever, but always in the back of my mind, I'm going to be thinking, "Is there more?"

 

John is the kind of an every man's man. All my friends love him. My family loves him. I do fear that I will always regret losing him because I honestly can't imagine there is another guy out there who is as thoughtful and sensitive and generous as he is.

 

Thank you for listening, and I would love to hear anything from you. I'm sorry these thoughts are so jumbled, but maybe some of it makes sense.

[Goldfish6888]

This is a tough one. It sounds like a mid life crisis - 10 years too early! You are hitting 30 and you are looking at your life and re-evaluating things.

You sounded trapped in your post and I'm sorry to hear you are torn.

 

Its only natural that a 10 year relationship will start to become routine and less passionate as it was in its early years. But think about the positives you have with John:1) A sensitive loving man 2) generous and kind. This is a fabulous foundation. I wish I could find that. I think I could work on the passion as long as I had that!

 

You're wondering if the grass is greener and let me tell you it's not! Its hard to find someone like John - so your fears are well founded there - you probably would regret letting him go! Let me tell you, the guys out there who are truly decent are few and far between. So count yourself LUCKY!

 

Secondly, you really sound like you do need some space. I'm not sure whether thats a 2 week holiday away or a "trip to your long lost friend" in North Carolina (I'm making these up), but maybe you do need to clear your thoughts. Have you two ever been apart for long?

 

I'm not sure what other advice I can give as this is a hard one. There is no easy answer. You have to decide ultimately what will make you happy. What do you want?

Do you want kids?

Do you want adventure?

Maybe you want to travel the world with John before you settle down?

 

What does he think? Is he still really passionate about you?

Have you ever thought about getting outside of your normal environment? eg; Paris...on a romantic week....(I'm biased! of course), a quickie in a motel some Friday night? Maybe you are bored with the normality of your life...maybe you need some excitement and you both would benefit from it? Some new experiences might be what you need to jostle up those old feelings again. Everyone has doubts. True Love is never 100% all the time, True love is everchanging, its all about dealing with reality. You have everything that a lot of us gals would love.....Maybe you just need some space to value it more?

 

Just a thought. Hope some of this helps!

Hugs...

[Stambler]

Wow Julie,

 

I am intrigued by your situation because my wife of 5 years tells me she is no longer attracted to me. We used to have an unbelievable sex life. She has tried to explain the reasons to me, but I'm still very confused. She asked for a divorce several times, but when I tell her I will support her decision and I will move out, she freaks out and says not to rush into anything. We've been in separate beds for 4 months, no sex in 5 months.

 

I wonder if you two are going through the same thing. I would not only be interested in hearing your explanation, but I would love to be able to help by telling you what my wife is going through.

 

Hang in there...

[jimthzz]

do both you and your H and favor and break it off with this other person you've started th cheat with. OK, you get points (I suppose) for having not slept with him yet, but not many.

 

You are totally not ready to have children with your husband. it would be a huge mistake to do so.

 

Instead, what you need to do is have the courage of what you want to do and break up with your husband.

 

Do you have any idea how it will seem to your husband if he finds out you want to stay with him merely out of creature comforts he provides to you? Not good.

 

You do not love him as a romantic interest, he doesn't satisfy you sexually and you want other men.

 

Seems to me you should divorce as soon as possible and live off your own employment.

 

Free your husband to then find someone who wants him.

 

Free yourself to find out what you want.

[Goldfish6888]

do both you and your H and favor and break it off with this other person you've started th cheat with. OK, you get points (I suppose) for having not slept with him yet, but not many.

 

Seems to me you should divorce as soon as possible and live off your own employment.

 

Free your husband to then find someone who wants him.

 

Free yourself to find out what you want.

 

I think the poster is genuinely conflicted on her husband. I don't think she knows yet what she wants. She is searching for answers. Not someone to condemn her for something she has not even done yet! She needs support and to look at ways of finding out how she truly feels.

[Goldfish6888]

Sorry Julie. Should have welcomed you to enotalone aswell!

[Julie8580]

Thanks, Goldfish. It is a tough situation. The problem is that I don't know what I want. I have heard lots of "spice it up" advice, but none of it is really appealing to me. It's like trying to force chemistry where there is none. I know he is still attracted to me, but the last few times we've been intimate, my mind is on someone else. I think that is a bad sign.

 

I do want to have kids "someday" but not soon. He has been asking for kids for the last five years. He is Christian, and I am realizing that I'm an atheist. He wants to baptize our kids, and I don't want to raise them as Christians. I think he doesn't understand that I do have beliefs, that it's not just that I don't believe in jesus christ.

 

I love him but there is no chemistry. When I spent time with my friend I've been flirting with "Jason", I felt alive, like a woman, I felt attractive and awake. I don't know that I ever felt this chemistry with John. I usually do climax with him, but it is always the same way, and it got old about seven years ago. I think that if I stay with him, I will just be accepting this lot in my life but I fear that eventually I will stray. Last summer I did stray, I never told John, and I am dealing with the repercussions - Guilt, self-hatred, depression, denial. The thing last summer was kind of a disaster, it happened when i had just been laid off and I was extremely unstable. It was pretty much a 1-night stand.

 

Now that I've said that I am sure a lot of people aren't going to be sympathetic at all to my situation. I should have filed for a divorce last summer, i guess, but the best I could do was get us into counseling which just didn't seem to be doing anything. Again, it is just so much easier to pretend like everything is okay.

 

I just don't want to wake up when I'm 45 and realize I'm not living the life I wanted. Isn't it better to realize this now?

[Julie8580]

Camber, I wish I could give you some insight, as it does sound like we have similar situations. Maybe she is wondering, as I am, if she can be happy in her life without the passion that you two once had. I find myself weighing the pros and cons, and it makes it that much harder to make a decision.

 

With John, I have found a rare-soulmate, and I think that if I could get rid of my desire to be with other men, I would be perfectly happy. I wish I could have some medical procedure that would rid me of that desire.

 

Also, a huge issue for me is that I have been in this relationship since 19, and I have never really been on a date, so there are a lot of questions. When I met John, I couldn't believe that someone so "cool" and "popular" would want to be with me. I had a terribly low self esteem, after a string of bad experiences with highschool boys. Now, I feel like I'm a "grownup" and maybe I could meet someone else who would be a better match. Then there is a big part that wonders if John is the best partner I could find.

 

I would imagine your wife is thinking some of the same things. I would also say that maybe what you remember as mind-blowing sex, she remembers as not so mind-blowing. It is such a difficult situation and I'm sorry that you are on the other side of it.

[Goldfish6888]

Hi Julie

 

Of course, people make mistakes. I'm sure no one will condemn you. But I think you are going to have to talk to a counsellor. You are confused. I'm not equipped to tell you to leave your marriage as - as only you know will find the answer through proper talking with a counsellor. Try going on your own as maybe you are not being honest whilst John is there with you.

 

Chemistry is great yes...but it disappears over time. You felt alive and awake because it was NEW! We all do....when sex is not familiar.

 

I just don't want you to do something stupid just because you are realising that at 30 you are building the foundation for the rest of your life.

 

I really think you need to think long and hard about this and try and get that space I was talking about. Even if it is for a weekend.

[Julie8580]

I agree that it would be best for me to get some space. Last summer left the state for a week and we had no contact. I liked it. It was hard when I came home and we pretty much decided to go to counseling and work on it. But after each counseling session, it seemed like it was easier for us to be so optimistic.

 

I am definitely going to start seeing a pro, but not for the next three weeks. Until then, I guess I need to start thinking about moving out. I do have one friend here that I could ask if I could stay with her for a while, but I'm not sure. Another option is for me to start sleeping in the spare bedroom, but I know that is not really giving us space.

 

My goal for therapy is to figure out what I want, and how to tell John, and be honest and to not just go back to the way things have been.

 

Is it really true that the chemistry disappears over time? If that's the case, I feel like I should never get married. Or maybe there is something wrong with me sexually, like maybe I'm "oversexed" or something. I do feel that there must be something wrong with me to be willing to risk my marriage by flirting with some guy over email.

 

And, by the way, I have stopped talking with that guy, at least I haven't emailed him in about 10 days, which is a long time for us. I think we both realized that our attraction for eachother is too strong for us to remain friends, and neither of us wants to risk our partners getting hurt.

[Goldfish6888]

Hi Julie

 

Found this and thought it was interesting.

 

*************************************************

 

When you think about the qualities found in a true "soul mate" relationship, what one word comes up most often on the top of your list?

 

Is it CHEMISTRY? Probably.

 

Just the mention of this term conjures up powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or seeking a love relationship.

 

It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, the heart races and the body tingles with nervous anticipation.

 

It is believed by virtually everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. thereforeeee, the conclusion most would-be lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have the basis for an ideal and lasting relationship.

 

Right? Maybe not. For this definition of chemistry is limited to one's physical response to another person. It lacks an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview.

 

In order to know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it's important to have a basic knowledge of what real chemistry consists of, instead of embracing only the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.

 

Sarah is a thirty something, very attractive and successful, professional female. She has been in a relationship for over a year with a man who is unfaithful, disrespectful and incapable (unwilling) to make any commitment to her. Yet, when he makes late night "booty calls", forgets her birthday, or stands her up repeatedly - she remains available and willing, in spite of her general unhappiness and upset over their "relationship". Why? "I think I have mistaken great sex for love. I feel this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we are having sex, even though he offers me nothing else. Over time, it has left me unhappy and feeling badly about myself."

 

John is an attractive, intelligent, 30 something male who owns his own successful business. He's dating a woman that he thinks he is in love with. He has knowledge that she has been out with other men. She cancels dates and is often critical and emotionally distant. She refuses to discuss commitment or taking the relationship to the next level. Yet, she turns to John for emotional, physical and financial help whenever she feels she needs it. Why does John continue to see her? "She's beautiful and the sex is great. We have such strong physical chemistry. It's almost like an addiction for me. My friends can't stand her and even I know she's not really a "keeper", but it's hard to walk away.

 

These vignettes are great examples of how physical chemistry can be mistaken for the real thing. The attraction on one level is strong, yet these are not relationships that have the right elements to grow into happy and satisfying partnerships.

 

So, what is missing?

 

Kahlil Gibran defines it as "spiritual affinity". It's the hidden element of chemistry. It's when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It's about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his/her presense.

People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about whom should we choose and why. In order to understand this better, it is helpful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs.

 

Physical attraction (or lust) generally begins during our first contact with someone. It can DEVELOP into something more over time, yet some pull is there from the beginning. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine - or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected.

When these chemicals are being secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to the other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the "wrong" person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise "good judgment and common sense".

 

"Spiritual affinity" develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps to build attachment. As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship.

 

Generally speaking, all "soul mate relationships" require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that the physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot sustain those intense emotions as we travel down the road to commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships those moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals at intermittent times.

 

Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of these in your feelings for another. For then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made from.

[jimthzz]

I stand by what I wrote

 

You owe your husband to live a life in which he knows what you are doing.

 

If you stay with him he deserves to know that you have both cheated and still want other men.

 

Wouldn't you want the same for yourself if your spouse was cheating?

 

If you only have affection for him like some friend then free him. Then you will have no obbligations to him anymore for faithfulness. After you divorce you can explore your sexual passions with others with no guilt or repercussions for your husband.

[Julie8580]

It is helpful to hear that the grass isn't greener on the other side, because I know that is a lot of what i'm thinking about. It's just that I have never dated, and I just wonder. I don't think I'm bad looking but still, it is hard to imagine getting attention from other guys - which is why the guys I mainly think about are from my past. I am trying to think of the way I used to feel about him, and have things really changed? I think I basically grew up in the last five years, and am starting to think that maybe there is more to my life. The religion thing is a big one for me. He is more conservative than I am, and also pretty conservative in bed. I once asked him what he fantasized about and he could come up with nothing. Nothing! I have so many fantasies that I am realizing may never be fulfilled.

 

I am not planning on making any decisions until I get into therapy and go at least two or three times. I also do not want to talk to him about it until then, but I know he is going to start to wonder what is going on.

 

I am so thankful that we do not have kids at this point! I can see myself being the kind of person who stays in a marriage until the kids are off to college. This is what my parents did.

 

Also, I did find out in highschool that my mother was having an affair, and it made me hate her so much. We have since patched over our relationship, but pretty much just buried any hurt - that's the way we do it in our family.

 

But a lot of the self-hatred I have is due to the fact that I am doing the same thing that my mom did and it just disgusts me. There is a difference though, I mean in my mind, anyways. She was having a long-term affair, whereas I just had a slip-up after a lot of drinking one night. I realize both are cheating, but for whatever reason, there is a difference in my mind.

 

I think what I am starting to realize is that I don't deserve to be with John. He is that needle in the haystack and the fact that I don't cherish his love - that just tells me that he deserves better. I'm sure he could find some christian woman who is more social than me and wants to start a family.... and I will probably end up living a wild and crazy life for the first year and then getting really, really lonely.

 

They say that divorce is kind of like a death, but it's gotta be harder, IMO. Because one person, or sometimes, both people, are given the choice of divorce - and with a death, there is no choice, so you just have to deal with it. How can I possibly choose to go the route which I know will hurt me and this person I do still love?

[foobar]

I think you need to think real hard about this. You have a husband who loves you and cares for you and wants to continue the relationship. You are uncommitted to the marriage because of (?)-- is it boredom, a question of "is this all my life is/will be", a feeling that your husband does not appreciate you. Maybe I am close, maybe I am not, but it does not sound like there are issues here that can not be worked out either together or w/ a good councilor.

 

By your description, you have a good man, but you seem bored and restless. Drop the talk of divorce and start talking to your husband... You originally married him for a reason or reasons, try to think about that as you consider leaving him.

[whoops]

in a marriage you have to work at it - of course it is boring sometimes and grass is always greener but you gotta deal with it - revamp you and your hubby and make love - get movies in have a fun time - go away somewhere take up hobbies together - chemistry dies but if you love him you overide this

[jimthzz]

your husband deserves to know what he is dealing with.

 

If you have had relations with him since being intimate with anyone else you have put him at risk of contracting an STD.

 

Have you been tested?

 

If not, please do get tested for HIV, HPV, Herpes, chlamydia, and so forth.

 

Even if you decide you want to stay with him, maybe he wouldn't want you anymore if he knew you cheated on him and desire others, Then again, maybe he is a forgiving man.

 

In either case, he deserves the truth from you so he can decide how to live his life just as much as you deserve to live your life as you see fit.

[wayne]

You have to figure out just what you want from life. What you want your partner to be and what you want him to do, and what you want to do. Then tell him.

 

Those fantasies you haven't mentioned? Mention them. What's he going to do? Leave you? You were thinking about leaving him anyway, so you've got nothing to lose.

 

Is there something he's lacking? A lot of "nice guys" turn women off... even if they don't want to be turned off. You're essentially putting this guy in the Friend Zone after you've married him, which isn't going to work well in the long run.

 

And no, you're not "oversexed". If you were, you'd be jumping him every chance you got and bugging him for it. Instead, you can barely tolerate being sexual with him, and wouldn't even consider sleeping with him if you weren't already married. Figure out why, tell him what he has to do, and he'll either do it or he won't. If not, turn him loose.

[Stambler]

Sorry to sound harsh here Julie, but when you got married it was for "better or for worse". If you didn't intend to honor that commitment, you should have just lived together.

 

Unless he's abusive (physically or emotionally) then I think you need to very carefully consider the consequences of divorce. We ahve become such a "throw away" society that we have forgotten how to mend things, it's easier (in our minds) to just throw it away and look for something better.

 

Please think hard about this. I have heard SO many stories of people regretting divorce after reality sinks in.

 

As my boss says "Marriage is like work, sometimes it sucks, but you still keep at it, and it always gets better"...

 

Please understand I am not judging you - just showing my concern!

[Julie8580]

I know that I got married "for better or for worse" but the fact is that I was 22 and didn't know what that meant. We had a priest at the wedding who may as well have been a rabbi or voodoo for all it meant to me. At the time, i thought, Well, maybe one day I'll believe in god and I will be glad we had a religious ceremony. I know that marriage is a work in progress, after all, I have been married for 6+ years and the honeymoon ended long ago!

 

I think my issue is that I am so quick to patch things over and pretend like everything is okay because of my need for a safe and comforting home life. I grew up in a house that was not comfortable, my parents were always fighting and my mother made impossible demands on me. I did see a therapist last summer who told me that in his opinion, for me, commitment meant confinement, probably because of my relationship with my mother. And so now I have to figure out a way for me to be happy in a committed relationship. I have to make commitment mean something other than confinement.

 

I agree, Camber, that we have a disposable attitude towards everything these days. I am trying to work on this, I have been working on this for the last 2 years, I would say. I am not leaving him any time soon, but I also don't want to just pretend like everything is going to be fine just because we're married.

 

And to the person who suggested I share my fantasies with John? Well, I have hinted at things, but he was non-receptive. He was disgusted that I have been with women before. He makes fun of me when he finds out that I masterbate. This is not the kind of person I feel like I can really share with.

 

I am still on the fence about whether or not to be honest with him about what happened last summer. I did get tested immediately and was cleared so no, I did not pass any STDs to him. It was one night and we used protection and I was tested before getting in bed with John.

 

My girlfriends all tell me not to tell John because it will just hurt him and it's in the past. But I do agree that he has the right to know what kind of person he is married to. In my mind, I think that if I tell him, the marriage will be over because infidelity is a deal-breaker for him. but the reality is that the marriage will be over because I cheated.

[Stambler]

I hear you Julie...

 

I am proabably just being adimant because my wife is undecided, has many problems and had a scary past, so I do hear you and I'm not dissagreeing.

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, been with women, masturbate... why aren't you married to ME!!!! (LOL). I do think your husband needs to loosen up and accept EVERYTHING that has occure in your past - that is part of YOU!

And those are two things that would absolutely turn on any other man!

Can you try to discuss the need for more spice in the bedroom? Does he understand how imnportant it is to you?

 

I know if my wife told me she was having an affair, I would forgive her, because affaris are always a result of a broken relationship. I'm not advocating them, but it happens, I know from my previous marriage...

[Honey_30]

i think you should leave him, it sounds to me that you love him but your not in love with him.it is tricky though, the not knowing if your making the wrong decison, but i think i would rather try life without him, rather than carrying on , 10 yrs down the line you probably have kids, and stuck in a dead marriage, not good for children,

its hard though when you been with one person for so long, everything you know is with him. but your longing for more.i know people say you should work at a marriage and i think you have tried,

it is scarey starting out all over again, but if you dont walk away you aint never going to know.

some people can handle a marriage that has lost its spice, some ppeople settle for how it ends up. others just cant, they always wonder what if.

 

i think you probably already know you want out, just a little scared of what that actually means, ending everything you know your safety haven,

i feel for you on this one,

[real_life_101]

I know how you are feeling. I was there till I was thirty six years old. See I always left relationships once the honey moon phase ended. I just didn't know any better. I talked with several marriage counselors and they all said the same thing how are you feeling about your relationship except one. He said thats reality the honey moon phase ends. He challenged me to ask happly married couples how often they have sex, the average once a week. I was quite shocked, I was in a lot of great relationships that I left, only to go through this false reality cycle. You will leave and feel love for someone else I think your mind is made up. Just dont expect your next relationship to be any different in the long run. Marriage is not about constant excitement it is about life time commitment and companionship.

[gojoshgo]

I read the first and last page, so sorry if I state something already stated. I am going through a divorce right now, two weeks old about. With my emotional state, maybe I shouldnt post, but I feel the need to input.

 

Can I ask you, even though married so young, if you left John, would you marry again? Likely atleast? If so, you might want to consider the same situation playing out again, and there is definitely no gaurantee it wont. I just ask that you re-evaluate the purpose or meaning of marriage. If it can only be maintained by a feeling or a chemistry, something so delicate and fickle, whats the purpose of marriage?

 

Just questions to ponder, I certainly mean no disrespect.

[lac]

Julie - I feel for you but, like some others here, because I actually find myself on the other side of the equation: I think my wife is probably having very simlar thoughts to you but is a few weeks or months further down the line. If you really do still care for your husband, even if perhaps you don't really love him anymore, then you must involve him completely in taking any decision to end your marriage. You might find that actually it's just the shock he needs for you both to change those things that need changing for the good and so allow you both to enjoy many more happy and exciting years together. It may seem like a good idea not to be up front about it until you're absolutely clear tht you've made your mind up. But I can tell you that when my wife took that approach I was left feeling utterly betrayed, unable to trust her, angry and hurt by what I believe to have been a very selfish approach on her part and one that has provoked me into doing some stupid things that have needlessly hurt us both. So if you do decide to end your marriage, which mayor may not be the right thing to do, then at least try to make that a decision that you and your husband have worked through together if not necessarily been able to agree. You owe it to yourself and him to do so. And ifyou still want him as a friend a the end of all this then it might make that rather strange transition a bit easier.