When the answer is ALWAYS "I'm just not into you"

[shikashika]

oh and another off topic one... I posted this in the dating forum, but its pretty brief..

 

so I guess I'm still trying to figure out if the answer really was "I'm just not into you" (even though every guy says this! )

 

 

 

 

We'd been seeing each other for about 6 weeks... had a really good evening, nice dinner, went out to a nice bar, then were driving home. It was just one of those GREAT DATES... when you've been dating someone for a while

 

This is how the conversation went..

 

Him: So have you ever told anyone you loved them?

 

Me: Well, I did, several years ago, but now that I look back on it, I was quite young and probably didn't really mean it. Have you ever told anyone you loved them?

 

Him: No... but if I did, I would probably say it at a really dumb time, like driving home from the bar... (then he looked at me, banged his hand on the steering wheel.. said "Doh!!!!', face went really red and there was a bit ok awkward silence.

 

AS we were driving home from the bar... I thought hmnnn..

 

So, do you think he was thinking about telling me something.. or it was just a random question?

 

 

 

 

funny thing is, .. when he was dumping me and saying "I'm just not nuts about you" I said "i remember you asking me something once..."

 

( I didn't say what conversation it was)

 

Before I could finish , he quickly replied... " Like the time we were driving home from the bar a month ago and I asked you if you'd ever told anyone you loved them?.... oh no..that was just a random question"

 

 

OK, how did he know I had that question on my mind.... if it was so 'random' why was it on his mind?... especially when he wsa breaking up with me

[Juha]

Shika that guy sounds like another pretender...He was probably emotionally

immature and did not understand his emotions and unfortunately you had to be dragged along with his childiness...

 

Don't let people like that get to you they are not worth it...

 

Like I said before people have lists and if you don't have everything on the list they will drop you, they don't look at the good points vs. the bad ones just what they want...

 

Had a talk with one of my friends on this subject and it seems many people treat relationships like car shopping. If you don't have all the options they have on their list then it really does not matter how good or intersting you are... They don't want you...

 

People are much more selfish for themselves today unfortunately and the other person really does not matter much to them anymore....Sad but true...

 

Hang in there....

[shikashika]

thanks Juha! Why do you perceive those actions to be immature? I'm not trying to defend his actions... AT ALL!!... but why use immature, instead of jerk, liar or anything else?

 

I like your buying a car analogy.

 

However, I guess I'm still trying to find out the reason why I get this excuse all the time. I've never been told I don't 'fit all the requirements'.

 

I don't know what i'm not doing or doing wrong! and it has to be something!

 

i think I even started another thread on this... its very easy to point a finger at the dumper and say 'jerk!'...."immature!"....."selfish!"...but I still had a part to do with that relationship.... and i want to know if there is something i'm doing that is causing this to happen. I don't want to turn into some bitter old lady.

 

maybe i did just meet some immature guy...bu maybe i could have handled it differently.

 

As well, in this situation, its not like we'd been living together for years and years or anything like that...but he clearly saw something that turned him off.... I really don't know why its so hard to tell me what it is.

 

i'm repeating myself again, but when I asked him for any explanation 6 weeks after the breakup, he said, "look i dont' know... no concrete reason'.. you would have thought he woudld have been able to give me something after he'd had time to be away from me.

 

And I think it sucks even more that people just dont' have the spark towards me or just don't have the attraction. If you get in a big argument or fight or someone does something mean or stupid.... then you know thats what it is.

 

i remmeber one day i was in a bad mood... and we had a bit of a sort-of argument ONCE... but nothing that ended in yelling or shouting or hurling insults ... so i think 'oh my god... was it that?!?!... that one little argument??

[talo]

I REALLY am NOT trying to blow anything up here, but...

 

 

 

 

HUH???

 

Sorry, but I do not know what your response means...

[talo]

I know what he is trying to say however!!

I do not wish to make this into a big deal, but how do you know what someone is trying to say if you do not check it out with them? Assuming what someone is trying to say, and not checking it out, is where a number of relationship difficulties start don't they?

[shikashika]

I do not wish to make this into a big deal, but how do you know what someone is trying to say if you do not check it out with them? Assuming what someone is trying to say, and not checking it out, is where a number of relationship difficulties start don't they?

 

I'm saying i understood what you were saying in your post.... how did you want me to 'check it out with you' other than reading it? Everytime someone makes a post... i'm not going to go check it out with them just to be sure i know exactly what they meant.

 

thats what we all do ... assume what someone is trying to say from what the posted

[Juha]

Shika, there is not one reason I say immature it is the whole picture I get...

 

The almost saying I love you in the car when he clearly was confused about his feelings....Why he broke up with you before you went on your trip instead of after... I am not nuts about you... What exactly is that?

 

He maybe or most likely has his perfect ideal of what love is or how or who he wants it to be... You just did not have what he wanted on his list, nor did he want to find out...Like I said he most likely did not want to work at knowing you...

 

You don't fit into a category...One night you may stay in the house and watch a movie, then the next go ride your bike, the the next go to a museum, etc....

 

While most people will sit in the house and watch tv or be on the bike everyday, they have a pattern...

 

I have been told I am difficult because of this and people don't want to deal with it and also I could be to independent...I am not difficult but peopel percieve this as I do what I want but when I am with someone or a friend suggest something I am all for it...

 

Much like I do and go everywhere whether anyone wants to join me I don't really care anymore, I go do what I want...

 

I like you dwell on things sometimes to much...

 

Screw it!!! Let'em go... Do you want to deal with him and his crap???

It seems you are not happy because of this but think would you be better off with him and you not being as diversified and enjoying everything you do???

 

Once had a gf I adored but because of my independence she thought I did not like/love her and no matter what I did or said because I did not cling to everything she did she left...

[shikashika]

thank you again for your insighful posts, juha! you are pretty spot on in what you say about me. I know i don't fit into any category...and i think that can be my problem too. Like you, i wonder if people don't think i really dig them because i appear to be completely self-sufficient without them... doesn't mean i don't adore them!

 

Before we broke up, I remember him saying "I don't get what you would be like when you are off traveling in these places" i really didn't know how to answer that.

 

He has been on one overseas trip... and he does do things on his own, so its not like he's a boring homebody.

 

i was talking to my little brother yesterday about this... and even my little brother who was 23, said "well, shikashika, he did seem kind of immature if thats what he did, it reminded me of how i was when I was 17 or 18"

 

I just think its sad that he doesn't want to even get to know me... i guess i still think... 'gosh... I must have done something to make him think.."i've seen the person you are and its not for me.. go away no."'

 

you are right... i guess i just tired of it... i know i should put away my violin, but when i meet people i don't pull out my spreadsheet and make sure everything is checked before proceeding. Even with this guy, he wa the one doing all the chasing for the first couple of months, I wasn't too sure, but thought he was a great guy with a lot of great qualities... and then it seemed. OVER!.. never even talked to me about some issues or problems he may have been having in the relationship..

 

i just wish I knew if he really meant "I'm not into you (and if that meant I can't slot you into a cookie cutter catergory)... or it was something else...

 

thanks again!

[Juha]

Shika, the reason I can relate to your issue is I am the same as you...

 

I have been through it and have been dealing/dealt with it...

 

You get to a point, like I am now, to be indifferent. I ask/mention what I am going to do if they want to join me great if not I am still doing it...

I don't need my hand held...It would be great if they came along but my worl won't stop if they don't...

 

I try not to dwell on why they did not want to join me... I like to do many different things and have an open mind when it comes to trying/doing different things...WHether it be a new exhibit at a museum, a band I never heard, food I never tried, etc...

 

Sometimes people really are interested when they are kicking the tires and once they have test driven you for a while and they see you don't have all the things they want or maybe they think you are to different than them so they move on...

 

THey don't want to hurt you so they try and be general with a reason...

 

Not worth it, just live and if they don't want to have you in their life then it is their loss...

 

The last thing I need are people in my life sucking the soul out of it...

I have been doing some house cleaning in my life lately recently and have moved the people I deem not good for me to the perimeter of my life...

 

Hope I helped...Feel free to talk/pm anytime, shika...

[Biffy]

Shika, I got dumped a few weeks ago for apparently no reason at all. I'd never felt such a bond and connection with another human before and she does feel that but for some reason doesn't want to be in a relationship...

 

I can't beat myself up about it, it was nothing I did or didn't do that pushed her away - as she told her mother, I was the "perfect boyfriend" I suggest you don't beat yourself up about it either, just sounds like he isn't ready for a relationship either.

 

I really think people today are so confused by what they want out of life, often people can't settle and be happy. Spoilt for choice if you like. It's a big, strange fast moving modern world out there and people have so much pressure to almost perform in their own lives.

 

This strange secular, celeb-worshipping society makes it very apparent that people should be out there doing more, living the dream, travelling etc. TV shows like "30 things to do before you die" pressurising people into thinking that they shouldn't just be happy with their lot in life.

 

Don't torture yourself over this, you should always keep a check of yourself and make sure you're the best person you can be but not to this extent.

 

You seem like a real nice lady, don't you worry you'll meet someone who'll knock your socks off and visa versa.

[Weeblie]

Hi Shika. I'm new here and I don't really have much experience in this whole dating thing. But I've been having the same problem.

I'll look back at past relationships and they always ended up the same. Nothing in common, not ready for a relationship. Blah blah blah. And it's like huh? I thought we had lots in common. And I wasn't asking for you to marry me. Just go out and have a good time.

 

And I wonder if maybe you're just attracting a certain type of guy? That perhaps in a way you keep attracting guys who aren't ready for a relationship because you're not ready either? I know that probably sounds crazy. But I read somewhere that women afraid of commitment attract emotionally unavailable men. With these past guys have you been compromising yourself? Like if they do something wrong like not call when they say they will...do you just blow it off and not even bring it up with them? Or are you always available when they ask you out?

 

I only ask this because I think that's what might be my problem. So I could be totally off.

[shikashika]

thanks again everyone..

 

I guess when i hear the 'excuse' he's just not ready for a relationship... it really

means 'he's just not ready for a relationship with ME'

 

Even though i'm still not over him , I know its not going to happen.. but i want to learn from my 'mistake'

 

If I go out there just thinking... "I'm fine... we just weren't compatible"... then I don't think I've learned anything from these experiences.

 

Weeblie, thanks! I don't THINK that applies to me (?)... but then again who knows? I'm clearly no expert on relationships! i do want to be ina commited relationship, but when i'm single, i'm not out on a man-hunt every night...i keep myslef busy and all the guys i've dated , i've met through my own interests, such as gym, travel, conference etc...

 

Zombiain, iknow how you feel... I thought we WERE compatible.

 

I know i have a variety of interests... but then I don'twant to be a holding-a-checklist sort of person. When I meet a guy, I try to see all the good he has to offer and what a neat guy he is rather than focus on the little things we do differently. when i was younger, I used to say, 'what he doesn't like this or that?... forget it!" but i realised i was missing out on a lot of good guys. i find the most rewarding relationships with colleagues, partners, friends, come from appreciating a person for their good points... and by doing that i have a special bond with them.

 

This all may sound quite sanctimonious or rather cheesy, but its how i feel. I realise that everyone is different, and as i said way back in my earlier posts, maybe it is my abrupt personality... i know i come from a family with a very dry and sarcastic sense of humour, but we love each other to bits... maybe what my problem is, is not assessing people properly and finding out how to make them feel comfortabe... and learning how to deal with what makes them comfortable..

[mynatahsa]

I once heard a relationship expert say that attraction is based on one persons emotional or mental hangups or problems sort of matching the other persons....that is where we get the attraction from accross the room and some of these really "passionate" crazy relationships.

Maybe you are healthier than the guys you date. Subconsciously, maybe they are looking for someone that really needs them...is kind of clingy....needy....?

I think it is great that you are the way that you are......there is someone that is just right for who you are....probably lots of someones.

You are probably not too much this way or too much that way.....just not a match for them.

[shikashika]

I once heard a relationship expert say that attraction is based on one persons emotional or mental hangups or problems sort of matching the other persons....that is where we get the attraction from accross the room and some of these really "passionate" crazy relationships.

Maybe you are healthier than the guys you date. Subconsciously, maybe they are looking for someone that really needs them...is kind of clingy....needy....?

I think it is great that you are the way that you are......there is someone that is just right for who you are....probably lots of someones.

You are probably not too much this way or too much that way.....just not a match for them.

 

 

this is an interesting idea! i guess, how do we figure out what their emotional hangups are and if they match with ours

[mynatahsa]

I think it's one of those subliminal things that we don't control. You know it instictively and sometimes instantly.

[Juha]

Shika, you don't need to be thinking you are fine we are just not compatible...

 

Just don't be wasting alot of time and energy going in circles over it, you will just get frustrated and bummed out...

 

It would be nice if I met someone that I was into and them into me but I still go out with people and just have fun, so we are not going to be in a serious relationship...

 

I was like that before, if there is nothing there then why bother but now I am different...

 

I always try to take something good from someone, something I did not have before, even if it is a new music group, way of thinking, anything....

 

Oh and as far as being sarcastic, join the club, I can be very funny and witty but am so sarcastic also... Some people just don't get it when I say something as a joke with a straight face sometimes...They tell me they can't tell if I am joking or not so I lay low with it until someone knows me better...

 

Your job is not to make them feel comfortable, just be you when you start to change to make someone comfortable it won't work in the end because sooner or later "you " will come out and they will wonder who is this...

 

Maybe you are not relaxed enough and people can sense this and think you are not having a good time or not into them...

 

Anyway just go with the flow, if you had anything major wrong with you wouldn't your friends or family say something to you???

 

Just relax.....

[shikashika]

I know.. I am still doing the WHAT IF thing... i guess if i had been doing something that wa such a turnoff it would have been mentioned in the breakup.

for example if i met a guy who i thought was rude and incnsiderate... i would say, " Im breaking up with you... you are too rude and inconsiderate"

[Juha]

Alot of times people willnot be honest if they break with you...

 

They don't wnat you to think badly of them...SO they won't say you are loud and obnoxious I don't want to date you anymore...

 

Not that I think you are loud and obnoxious,

 

Just don't let make you go in circles over it...

 

You have close friends and I am sure they would tell you if there was something wrong...Maybe we just get misunderstood by most people because they only look at the outer layer and don't dig deeper into us...

 

Either way we can't change how they are only us...

[mynatahsa]

Shika, you don't need to be thinking you are fine we are just not compatible...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

What's wrong with thinking this?

[shikashika]

Alot of times people willnot be honest if they break with you...

 

They don't wnat you to think badly of them...SO they won't say you are loud and obnoxious I don't want to date you anymore...

 

Not that I think you are loud and obnoxious,

 

Just don't let make you go in circles over it...

 

You have close friends and I am sure they would tell you if there was something wrong...Maybe we just get misunderstood by most people because they only look at the outer layer and don't dig deeper into us...

 

Either way we can't change how they are only us...

 

this is true, but then maybe there is some REAL reason...a turn off for him, a personality trait that he doesn't like... so then people have ben lying to me all along regarding the reason for the breakup.

 

I don't know... is it really just, "I'm just not into you"... or is it something else.

 

I know I will never find out, but otherwise i am speculating a million and one reasons as to why or why it didn't work out... No point in looking back over my shoulder, but maybe there is something i need to learn about my personality or my nature that is a turnoff.

 

this is going to extremes, but if someone walks around burping and farting... and says "but its just the way i am!" they can't wonder why people run away!

[Scout]

No point in looking back over my shoulder, but maybe there is something i need to learn about my personality or my nature that is a turnoff.

 

It could be a combination of both. I'm still not convinced you're dating guys that you are going to have the most compatiblity with, even in terms of having compatible energy levels with.

 

But you did say in a previous post that some of your friends said you come accross very opinionated. That could be interpreted in a few ways: overbearing/forceful with your opinions, or perhaps you have a strong intensity about you that makes certain people feel a bit uncomfortable.

[Juha]

Shika, stop going in circles over this... Do you have trouble making or keeping friends???

 

You have a strong personality... Might be the guys you are dating can't handle a strong woman who is not needy...They could be intimidated by you...

 

 

There are alot of insecure/needy people out there, guys included...

 

If you keep thinking and going in circles your going to be one of them...

 

If you have looked at yourself, really looked and don't see anything and your friends/family don't then don't sweat it...

[shikashika]

It could be a combination of both. I'm still not convinced you're dating guys that you are going to have the most compatiblity with, even in terms of having compatible energy levels with.

 

But you did say in a previous post that some of your friends said you come accross very opinionated. That could be interpreted in a few ways: overbearing/forceful with your opinions, or perhaps you have a strong intensity about you that makes certain people feel a bit uncomfortable.

 

thats true... i can see how I would come accross as overbearing to some people.

[shikashika]

Shika, stop going in circles over this... Do you have trouble making or keeping friends???

 

You have a strong personality... Might be the guys you are dating can't handle a strong woman who is not needy...They could be intimidated by you...

 

 

There are alot of insecure/needy people out there, guys included...

 

If you keep thinking and going in circles your going to be one of them...

 

If you have looked at yourself, really looked and don't see anything and your friends/family don't then don't sweat it...

 

You are right.. i need to stop analysing it. i have plenty of friends...they all said 'he's too immature for you' but i suspected that was just a blanket statement to try and make me feel better.

 

or.. maybe i go on and on about things and never let them go??

[Scout]

I disagree that you're running around in circles thinking about this. It seems some interesting points for consideration have been raised, and are giving you pause for thought. You came here with some honest questions, because you are running into a pattern, or seem to be.

 

Breaking any pattern involves discovering the source, or sources.