need help...

[sandrawg]

My boyfriend and I have been together 6 mos. I should start by saying that I am somewhat insecure in general, but I went through a divorce last year that made me even more insecure (marriage of 10 yrs ended). In the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend did things that fed my insecurity...for ex., he tried to convince me to get breast implants, because mine are small and he preferred big ones. After we had been together a couple of months, he told me about this gorgeous girl (Jennifer) that hung out at this Internet cafe where he also hung out. (She had big breasts, looked like a porn star, but also had a brain, or so he said.) Anyway, he ended up getting her email address and emailing her. He swore to me it was meaningless. I didn't tell him how much it bothered me (I know, my bad.) Anyway, they emailed back and forth for about a month--it seemed to end July 4th when she went back east to visit family.

 

Meanwhile, he and I were getting more serious. He seemed committed to me. He stopped mentioning my small breasts-seemed happier with me, and with my body. Said it was the best relationship he'd ever been in. So, I thought the email correspondence with this girl would just die off. It seemed to...until, late August. I was housesitting for him while he was on a business trip. I did what I know to be a bad thing, but I just felt like I had to know what was going on with this girl. He didn't have a password on his email account, and he had told me I could use his computer while he was away. I did NOT read his email. However, I noticed Jennifer was in his chat list. I then peeked into his chat record and saw that he had contacted her to chat on Aug. 26th--which was right at the time he and I were getting closer, talking about marriage, etc. The chat did not indicate he was cheating or anything, but it was very flirtatious and could have led to more. He referred to her beauty and brains a couple of times. He asked her if men were intimidated by her. At the end, he asked "Am I going to run into you this week?" she said "Maybe."

 

Reading this made me very upset. Maybe he didn't cheat, but where did he think this flirtation was headed? Why did he never mention to her that he was seeing someone? Where did he hope his contact with her would go? And why did he contact a girl whom I was so obviously threatened by, during a time when he and I were so close (I was bending over backwards at that time to help him get through a difficult period.)

 

He still swears it didn't mean anything. But you add that to his previous comments about my breasts, his comments praising her beauty, etc., and my general insecurity...it's a bad mix. I did not handle it correctly, I know. My jealousy and feelings of humiliation got the best of me. I left him angry emails, voicemail, and broke up with him. When he came back, we were trying to work it out. But he is still very mad and resentful I invaded his privacy. It has become all about me and what I did.

 

And I am still having trouble getting my jealousy under control. Last Thursday, he mentioned that he was at an art gallery. There was a new girl there, sitting next to a painting he was interested in. He said out loud, "Who did this painting, the one next to the very attractive woman here?" I felt he was flirting again and flew off the handle. Once again, he thinks he didn't do anything wrong because he has had ample opportunity to cheat (women are giving him signals or coming on to him all the time--he is very handsome), and he hasn't. Now I fear he thinks he may as well do something because I am going to be jealous anyway.

 

I am going to start counseling to get this under control, but I don't know what to do to handle his anger and resentment. Many of my friends don't think I'm being unreasonable (even though they say I shouldn't have gotten into his chat records.) What do you all think?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I have to go out now, but the short form is-

 

He's an absolute jerk who doesn't and never wil lrespect you. Just leave him - what kinda complete loser makes negative comments about his GF's body, raves on about someone else he knows who looks like a *porn star* etc.

 

take out the trash, lady, move on

[AngelEyez]

Hey Sandrawg,

 

You aren't being unreasonable at all. Reading your post made me furious with your boyfriend as well. Why does he always go around praising another woman's beauty and not yours? This guy is obsessed with appearance, and that's very immature. If my boyfriend had told me to get breast implants, he wouldn't be in my life anymore. I'm not saying break up with the guy, because I don't know all of his good characteristics, but if he doesn't straighten up his act, then maybe you should. You said you dated him for 6 months. This doesn't seem like a large amount of time, so it may be easier. If you got through a divorce from 10 years of a relationship, I'm sure you can handle 6 months. I honestly hate guys who flirt with other women when they are supposedly committed to one woman. Who the eff does this guy think he is? I think you should stand up for yourself. Don't feel guilty about invading his privacy. You had a right. If you suspect cheating, you should find out more. Tell him, if all he wants is beauty, then he should look elsewhere (not saying that your not beautiful). I mean, if that's all he wants, then let him go out there and have it. You have plenty more to offer than your looks. You want to share other things with him, and not just boobs and a nice behind. This guy is a true j@ck@$$.

 

 

AngelEyez

[n83]

I agree with the other posters... Any guy that told me I needed breast implants... Yeah, he'd be dumped right there. He only goes on to make it worse by stupidly telling you about other girls he is flirting with. Honestly, he is an effing stupid moron and he's not worth your time.

 

I'm sorry you went through a bad divorce but that does NOT mean that all guys are like this. PLEASE get rid of this guy before he makes you feel worse. When you lose self confidence and the ability to trust, it is very hard to get those back. This guy is robbing you of any chance at happiness. Don't for one second think any of this is your fault. DONT LET HIM GUILT YOU. He is SOOOOO in the wrong on this one, it's not even funny. He sounds like the biggest tool in the shed.

 

Please strongly consider what I and others have said to you...!!!

[Rabican]

Jealousy or not, he sounds like a * * * *. hes not respecting you or the relationship you have. Tell him as much, and that if it doesnt change then you are done.

 

The arrogance of him to say that "I could have cheated, but I didnt, so you should just be happy about my other bad behavior" would have me throwing him down the stairs, lol. Dont put up with that. He needs to grow up.

[n83]

I reread the original post and have one more thing to add:

 

He is going out of his way to make you feel jealous. Why did he just HAPPEN to tell you about the girl at the museum? Why does he talk to you about how attractive and smart he finds other women? He's so toxically insecure that he's TRYING to hurt you, to bring you down so that you start to feel that he really IS the best thing you can get.

 

Because really, would any self respecting woman stick around with him? NO. And I'm sure he knows that. So his only hope in hell is to find a woman and make her feel like complete and utter crap about herself so she wont DARE to try and do better than him.

 

My conclusion: He has probably 0 self esteem, and he's going to bring you to that point too if you let him.

I liken what he is doing to emotional abuse.

[snowbrdrgrl]

I don't think you were being unreasonable. One thing I'm really thankful for is that even though I don't feel the greatest about my small breasts, my boyfriend always compliments me on them and the rest of my body. I'm sure he likes large breasts because I've seen him look at other womens' breasts and his last girlfriend had humongous ones.

 

One of the biggest signs that a guy is a little wrong is when he suggests that you change yourself for him. No one should think that highly of himself to think that someone else would change physically to please them.

 

Your boyfriend should be understanding of your insecurities and help you resolve your concerns and step back and consider what might make you feel badly. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through a divorce. It's something I never want to have to experience. I wish you lots of strength Hopefully posting here will help.

[dreamwarrior]

Wonder what he will think of the women who have the big huge breasts that by the time a few kids come and 10 more years and they have breasts swinging upon their knees? Far as brains go...in the case this other girl knows about you she must be quite dumb to even consider a guy who is taken...seems low class to me? What does she think he will be faithful to her??

 

If any guy loves and adores you then he will see you like a rare diamond, not compare you with anyone else.

 

My ex may have alot of issues of his own (nothing to do with me), but never ever once did he compare my beauty to anyone else...didn't matter who she was and two he was totally against me getting any type of surgery done.

 

He may have been alot of things, but in my heart he loved me the best he could unfortunately I made the decision to remain single....all honesty being single after a long term relationship is hard and yes lonely, but I feel more at peace.

 

Anyway, get rid of this guy...arrrrrrgh

 

Also, forgot to mention that the bigger the breast the harder to detect breast cancer