No closure/ NC/ how long for his call?

[shikashika]

Shikashika, DN's giving some solid advice here, but as he said, it's a case by case basis. For JamieK's situation, it seems like DN's advice would be practical to follow. For your situation, as I already said, the guy broke up with you because he said he never really had the feelings he should have. Your scenario is a bit different from JamieK's. In general, that's a pretty hard break up reason to overcome...when they simply just don't have the strong feelings needed to be exclusive.

 

Are you doubting that he really meant that, and think he broke up with you for some other reason? I'm a little concerned that you may get hurt and disappointed if you contact him.

 

Scout, yes I have been doubting he meant it... in the most recent case.. I wrote a couple of examples in my other thread, and there are many more...but I guess it seems everyone has these examples, how he was going to tell me he loved me... or so I thought...and he was the one always talking about the future... NOT me) 'the answer is always he's just not into me

 

but nothing I can do... I guess he would call me if he really wanted to.. When I ran into him that one time... he did say hi, but I couldn't really talk to him because I was still so hurt and angry

[jamiek]

Thank you for that input - it is helpful. It's not just pride keeping me from contacting him but anger too (but I guess I have to get past that).

You do rmember that he has been on-line dating since a day after he left, right? What do you make of that?? It's very hurtful. Also, would an e-mail stating what you suggested (asking about getting things back on track) be ok? I'm afraid of getting the wound wripped open again if he says no (or rejects somehow) on the phone; e-mail isn't as difficult to take)? Thanks so much - I'm looking forward to your reply.

[this2willpa55]

Thanks for your input. I feel like because he did it, he should call. It's so hard when you have no idea if they have fully decided it's over and are moving on or if they are missing you and feeling like they might call and just needed space. I'm so tired of thining about it and feeling angry/hurt. I do feel I deserve an explanation and that he is acting alike a complete jerk.

 

if you feel you need an explanation, then call him just the one time. but be prepared for the answer he gives you. it has been 3 weeks since you have had contact with him. are you willing to give up those 3 weeks you had time to heal? if you don't hear what you are hoping to hear, believe me, you will be at square one again.

[Scout]

Also, would an e-mail stating what you suggested (asking about getting things back on track) be ok? I'm afraid of getting the wound wripped open again if he says no (or rejects somehow) on the phone; e-mail isn't as difficult to take)? Thanks so much - I'm looking forward to your reply.

 

DN may have a different take, but what I did when I was in your situation was send an email saying I missed him and would like to see him sometime - and talk. I didn't give any reasons, I wanted to save all that stuff for an "in-person" talk.

 

As for your guy being on online dating sites...just out of curiosity, how did you discover that? Did you visit an online site to see if he was back on, or to see for yourself what else was out there?

[jamiek]

Hi Scout. I feel if I do anything, it will probably be a n e-mail b/c it will hurt less (reopen the wound less) if the reply is not what I would like it to be. I went on to check if he was on again (we met on-line). He said he wsn't prepared for a committed relationship and we shoud see other people so I looked and there he was at 6:45 am on Monday morning after a Sat. night break-up. It wa truly like a knife to my heart. I had to take a personal day from work b/c I felt so sick and upset. A week later I got on too (at the insistance of my friends who said I should get back out there and probably out of some resentment as well). But that's how it happened. He's still on there! I just think it so gross - a day later he got on (I'm sure he knows that I know he is on there too and that I am). I thihnki he may check my status on there but nt sure. So .... what do you think of that deal?

[DN]

You'll drive yourself nuts if you try and figure out why he did anything. There are all sorts of things people do in the aftermath of a break-up that don't necessarily reflect how they really feel - especially the next day.

 

I agree with Scout - e-mail him as she suggests. Have low expectations and guard your heart - but it will at the very least bring certainty.

[Scout]

Again, if you send him an email, it should be a brief and friendly invitation to get together and talk. It should not cover any of the above.

 

That's my position and I'm sticking to it. Unless someone raises a point that seems should be considered here.

[jamiek]

Ok, that's what I'll do. I really want to thank you guys so much for your attention/help with this. It really has been helpful and just blogging helps too. I'll let you knwo how it goes .....

[Scout]

You wanna run the email by us first? Happy to help give any feedback on it, if you'd like.

[jamiek]

Ok, sure. The e-mail is below. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it - thanks so much!! Also, as I think about getting together with him (if he agrees), I'm worried I'm going to be confronted with him possibly saying he's still not ready to be "committed/exclusive" but still wants to date and I don't know how I feel about that. The reason being - on one hand I feel that he should almost have to gain my trust back also and I can stay "non-exclusive" - but on the other hand, it will hurt too much to hear that and would not be a good start again (one making me feel crappy and insecure from the get go and leaving me wondering about his true feelings for me). I don't think I would want the dating others thing (and I have other options right now too). I would rather us try to make it work together (with no one else in the picture). What do you think??

What do you think of this e-mail? (some friends think that I should just offer for him to pick up the remote first before putting myself out there too much -they think if he would want to see me, he'd bite anyway).

Hi David,

How are you? I hope you're doing well and hope you got the new job. I was driving in this morning and heard "Don't you want me" (Human League) - made me think of you and our "Bowl" evening. Would you be up for getting together? You've been on my mind.....

J

PS: I still have your garage remote too.

[Scout]

I like the email, but I would take out the reference to the Human League song and your Bowl evening. In this case, the words "Don't you want me?" are a little too close to home, here.

[Scout]

(some friends think that I should just offer for him to pick up the remote first before putting myself out there too much -they think if he would want to see me, he'd bite anyway).

 

No, no, no! Your friends mean well, but like many other people, they are basing this suggestion on fear and pride. If you want to see someone, if you want to work things out, you need to have the emotional courage to just be direct and say exactly what you said in the email (except for the Human League song, lol).

 

If you get rejected, so be it. You didn't make your request in an undignified, desperate manner. You were friendly and direct. That takes courage. To send a passive-aggressive email, "I've got your remote" in the hopes the other person will take the bait is NOT courageous, and it's putting everything on the other person. If you want to hang out, say so. How is he supposed to know you're not just honestly trying to give him back his remote??? None of us are mindreaders!

[jamiek]

Hi Scout and DN! So I sent the e-mail, Here is his response (My e-mail was nice and bried and said "are you up for getting together, You've been on my mind". His response is below and mine follows (btw, he's still on match even after the e-mails) His response never answers the qs. He wrote:

 

hi jamie. good to hear from you. no word on the new job yet. argh... i

interviewed with 5 people there, and i'm hopeful. will hopefully hear next

week. i went to cabo last weekend with dana and her family for blake's 9th

bday, and he took his best friend, who is the son of the owner of the

company. i think the son will tell his father how cool uncle scoob is. still

haven't spoken to my mom yet! i think this is a record.

 

how are you doing? anything new at work?

 

i had waffles this morning and thought of you.

 

d

I wrote back the below, I didn't know if I should bring up the oringianal qs):

Hey you

So, the new job thing is still dragging on - I'm sure you made a good example as "uncle scoob", it did it for me! I hope it works out for you. Cabo sounds very fun! Work has been very stressfull but - I am one of the few TOP PERFORMERS honored for the entire 18 campuses!! I'm rockin'!! It's going very well! Yeah - waffles; I'm all out right now actually (need to get to whole foods!).

It's sounds like you're doing well.

How's the landlord been treating you? Any law suits in retaliation lately

Are you doing ok?

getting together qs?

J

[JIzzyM]

jamiek...good luck with your e-mails! He's being nice and friendly, which is good. Try not too look into it too much, because that's what gets your hopes up. I do that and I'm doing my best to stop, because it hurts a lot when you realize it doesn't mean anything more.

 

I wish you all the luck with him and you future! Good job with the e-mail! Very nice!

[Scout]

You gave a perfect response, Jamie! I like how you directly re-iterated your invitation to get together at the end!!!

[jamiek]

Thanks Scout (the not answering me thing is what I was talking about regarding the passive-aggressive/non-communication thing) but my guess is he's feeling me out to see what he's in for (whether I'm still angry). He can't deal at all w/ confrontation. I wasn't sure I should of reiterated the qs actually (it may seem too psuhy or scary for him). I haven't gotten a response to it yet and I know he's seen it but he'll respond eventually (he'll probably wait to test me to see if I get angry which I won't). After all of this, I'm not sure I can deal w/ him again but we'll see how it goes and what he may say if we get together. And, notice he goes away w/ his sister's family but was so non-committal w/ me. He has no friends (always hangs w/ his siter). They went to Mexico I just wanted to drive an hour and a half away. I don't mean to sound crazy but I am not sure he's able to give me what I want and I am not thinking it so personal anymore - just his issues. But thanks for making me feel better about the end of my e-mail b/c I regreted asking again actually. He was on link removed again too last night. If we do get together, I think he’ll still want to date and not be exclusive and I’m not sure what to think/do about that?? Thanks again – I’ll keep u posted!

[Scout]

I haven't gotten a response to it yet and I know he's seen it but he'll respond eventually (he'll probably wait to test me to see if I get angry which I won't).

 

Just out of curiosity, what are you basing this assumption on? Have you gotten angry with him in the past when he didn't respond to something fast enough for you?

[jamiek]

Hi Scout,

 

Well, he CALLED me today at work - I was SHOCKED! He actually called once to my work # and cell and missed me (no messages) and then tried again one hour later. It was really nice talking and hearing his voice. We just caught up and chatted for about 20 minutes (no talk of what happened). I said (innocently) "It sounds like you've been having fun" and he said "well, I wouldn't go that far" and I told him it was allowed and I wasn't implying he should be telling me he's been miserable for a month and he laughed (it was cute). Anyway, he ended it by saying "I'd be up for having lunch tomorrow" so that's the plan. I'm guessing your advice would be to not bring up anything about what happened tomorrow (even though I so want some answers and closure to it). But I'm 35 and although I miss him, at some point soon I do need to know if he feels truly that he can't have a long-term relationship with me (I want to get married and have kids and I have not time to waistE). Any thoguhts on all of this stuff?? Thanks soooo very much - you've been so sweet and helpful (and you don't even know me).

[Scout]

I knew he'd be up for a get together.

 

And Jamie...if I were you, I'd not worry about how he feels about a long-term relationship with you. You know why? Because when you worry about stuff like that, you don't enjoy the present. And you know what happens then? Your anxiety and worry color how you would normally act and feel, and the other person senses this, and then they get nervous about having a long-term relationship with you.

 

Right now, I'm a few weeks into seeing my ex again. I am doing some things very differently than I did last night...starting with not projecting what he's thinking, feeling about things, and instead, taking the fact he's spending time with me as proof that he cares. The result is the time we spend together is bringing us very close. I really don't need his verbal validation anymore that yes, we have a future, yes, we're going to do this, or that. Like your guy, mine is uncomfortable with situations he perceives as pressure. It may not be a virtue, but it may not be a fault, either. It could just be what it is. I'm sure I have my quirks that he has to work around, too.

 

And I'm 37...so hush up that "time is going by" talk!

[Scout]

And another thing...you can have kids at any time in your life. Maybe not biologicially. But through adoption, you can. Trust me, if you are measuring your relationship in terms of how long it's taking things to happen, you're going to derail that relationship. Not to mention miss out on all the beautiful scenery along the way during the journey.

 

Does it really matter how you have kids if the father is someone you have a terrific relationship with? And to build that terrific relationship takes time, patience, and an incredible will to see things from your partner's perspective, too. See my thread below about solving relationship conflicts, it can help with the whole "putting yourself in your partner's shoes" thing:

 

 

[jamiek]

Thanks!! You're right. I'm just scared. I do miss him adn am nervous about tomorrow but look forwadr to it too. That link on dealing w/ issues was great - great exercise. I'll definitely let you know how it goes! Good luck with your guy too, it sounds like you're on the right track! I'm glad you guys strongly advised that I contact him (I'm not sure he would have ever had the courage to do it). It seems like he just needed me to contatc him.

[jamiek]

Thanks JIzzyM also for your input and support!! Ia ppreciate it - you guys are very cool!! He and I are having lunch tomorrow (he called and suggested it). We'll see. I wish you the best as well.

[jamiek]

FYI, I hate to sound psycho but I just checked and he is "on-line now" for a while again on link removed (he's even on at work right now). I just don't get it?? It's tough to see (but a good reality check).

[Scout]

Do yourself a big favor. Stop checking his profile on Match. Concentrate on the here and now. Seriously. Have a good time tomorrow, just be the girl he originally fell for. Pretend like it's the first time you two are going out. Don't worry about anything but enjoying his company tomorrow. I have to sign off for the night, but Sunday or Monday I'll give you some further feedback after I hear how everything went.

[jamiek]

Hi Scout I'm sorry this is so LONG. I thought I'd fill you in. I saw David today. We met for lunch at 1pm and I got home at 9:30 pm.. He hugged me tight when he saw me. For a while we just chatted and laughed. He said something about thinking of me when he had breakfast/waffles alot. He said that he missed me. Anyway, eventually I told him that I was sorry if I was putting too much pressure on him in the relationship and for yelling about the purse that night. He said I didn't owe him an apology. I asked if the pressure was partly why he ended things and he said yes (kind of) and I knew there was mroe. I said "David if you decided that I just wasn't someone you could see yourself w/ long-term then you can say that to me" and he said that was true. My heart sank and I had to hold back the tears (I've never heard this before and didn't think it was the case w/ him). I told him I'd rather hear that then just leaving w/o me knowing why. That I respected it more even though it is hard to hear. He said he thought we're better as friends. I did ask him if he had been thinking about it, then why all of the mixed messages (that I was the way to his heart that same night) and at first he said that wasn't a proclamation of love and I said no but not of just wanting to be friends either - he knew and agreed. That's weird and makes no sense. He said what he did was mean (but never once apologized to me for anything - including hurting me). He said that he realized we shouldn't be exclusive b/c he felt he should love someone for that - I said "do you have to love someone or just decide you'd like to see where it could go w/ them while exclusive?" and he said he didn't have the luxury to do that (meaning since he's 38 and wants to get married he has no time to waiste) - that was hard to take. He asked if I had been dating and I said some and he said he hadn't been on one date and that he was on match but no one was interesting. He walked me back to my place to get the remote (I forgot it). I held in the tears the whole way (and shocked again). He started kissing me at my place. We got a little physical but I couldn't entirely and told him that. So he just laid in bed with me for hours hugging and kissing me and talking about life - we talked about his problems w/ his mom (that he has a lot of built of anger) and general other stuff and laughed a lot. The whole time I was thinking "what am I doing, am I an idiot?" But I played it cool and was nice the whole time (still wanting to cry). He was very warm. He hooked something up to my computer for me just to be nice and took garbage out for me to be nice (on our way out). He asked me if I didn't have plans to come over and get pizza and watch a movie - I did (again -thinking "am I an idoit?"). He got close to me on the couch but I kept cool. I kept running his words through my head still wanting to just get in a ball and cry. I got sleepy. After the movie he hugged me and asked if I was tired- said yes, he asked if I wanted to go home and I said "yeah I'm really tired" I thought it was time to make my exit (things went well and I should leave him now). He said he was happy we spent time together and then sat next to me and stared at me as if to say something but didn't (with a sad look on his face). He walked me to my car and then kissed me for a while - it was a very warm/soft kiss. Then he said we should get together next week and I said ok - that was it. I drove home numb once again and cried when I parked. So, I know - if a guy says that then forget it right? I'm probably "Miss right for now". It just doesn't feel that way when w/ him but I have to stop being so niaive. I got home and checked match - he was "on-line now" but hasn't gone on one date?? He's a good looking guy too. I don't think he was lying to me about that. Well, that's my story. Am I crazy to see himi again? I have ALL intentions now of getting out there again and dating and not being overly available or anxious or attached at all. I feel so heart-brokoen / confused. I know he was really into me at least up until a point - he asked me to meet the sister very early in the realtionship and then hung w/ him and the kids a whole weekend in August, it was really nice (and I know then he wsn't doubting things - I could tell). Is there a chance that with no pressure and less availability on my part he could feel differently or shoud I just give it up?? I don't want to be stupid? I don't know how to feel right now. Well, that's my story - thanks for making it through it! I look forward to your reply......