Bit Lost

[futured00d]

Hi All -

I've spent alot of time on these threads since my ex of four years broke it up with me on the 21st of August. Things have been pretty tough since then, but I'm gradually getting better and thinking although little, more and more about myself without her.

 

Anyway, here is my story in this thread

 

 

 

I'm wondering, she is albeit slowly I think trying to get in contact with me again. Messaging me on MSN and sending a forward.

I'm appearing very cheerful and optimistic but TOTALLY cutting the converstaion short prematurely because I'm scared of getting hurt.

 

I've started reading books on improving myself and changing, learning how to not blow out and really learn that communication is the way to sort out things when angry. Come to think of it, I see myself as bordering emotionally abusive at times during the relationship which I am EXTREMELY GUILTY of.

I hadn't realised it until now...and I'm thinking even if I do get her back, It won't work because I haven't fully learnt from my mistakes.

 

But part of me wants her back, to heal all the wounds I caused her. And be the person I was supposed to be...

 

Anyway, my friends have been reccommending I call her every now and again to keep the communication open. See how shes doing.. and I have been doing that but she seems very protective. Shes been doing these random hints of kindness like she came over and gave me a present for my 22nd Birthday.

 

But I have no idea what to do - I want her back but I don't want to be the person I was to her before. Yet I don't want to completely disappear and come back when I have fully learnt all my wrongs and become a better person and realise its way too late....

 

How should I go about fixing what I broke?

(Totally understand if you guys think I am a selfish bastard and should be hung out too dry)

 

Any suggestions are much appreciated!

[shikashika]

ha.. I'm not one to be giving advice!! I was dumped coldby my mid August... so around the same time!

 

If she is contacting you you never know whether its to ease her guilt... then fi you reply she may think "Whew... at least he doesn't hate me... I'm not such a bad gal after all"

 

Its soo hard... and you said, you haven't fully recovered from your mistakes..

 

 

I'm making a goal not to have any contact with my ex until at least the new year... its a big of a roller coaster but its true... its a breakup because its BROKEN... woul you try to use something thats broken before... or use something new?

 

I think thats the way you have to look at it!

hugs! xx

[futured00d]

Hmm, Thanks shikashika

But I know she thinks I don't hate her.

After all, if anything after all I have done, I wouldn't even expect her to talk to me. Read my story in the link if you like.

 

So I don't know, should I reach out to her and try to get her comfortable again or just let things be?

 

Thanks