insecurity about boyfriend's ex wife

[pudding]

hi. I don't know how seriosu this is. I have difficulty handling my insecurity and it affects my peace of mind as well as my boyfriend's. he got divorced a year and half ago. he and his ex wife were separated for about 3 years before that. she left him and at the time he was devastated. his ex wife was a stunner. she looked like a supermodel and they were married for about 6 years before they separated. the divorce was quite nasty as there was a huge settlement involved.

 

now my boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months. but it's long distance and we meet every few months now. he and his ex have not been in touch since their divorce except for a couple of emails they exchanged last c'mas (she contacted him to say hi). when I met my boyfriend, he said he was over her. in fact he seemed to hate her. he would say suddenly, "I hate this song. it was my ex wife's favourite song." or he wouldn't eat one thing because she cooked it very badly all the time and it reminded him of her. now, he wouldn't get sad when he thought of her, but he'd get pissed. he just seeme dbitter and resentful. then one evening, I wanted all the details of the separation and he was a little drunk. so he told me the whole story and how he would have died for her and she hurt him so bad, etc. as he told the story, he wept.

 

he never said anything nice about her. he just made her sound like a horrible person.

 

he doesn't have any pictures of her but I keep wondering what she looked like because she was so hot.

 

the problem is I can't stop thinking I'm second best. I mean, if he still had her, he wouldn't look at me. and I'm average looking. so I'm sure he compares me to her and thinks about her sometimes and maybe feels sad.

 

he also does say that he feels like his life's been a waste etc. because he's divorced and has no kids. all of this makes me feel like he wishes things had worked out with his ex.

 

am I being completely paranoid? he talks about her much less than he used to since he knows I'm insecure. but his family is sort of in touch with her family (they had an arranged marriage) and they gossip about the ex and her family sometimes. I know because he casually mentions some of the gossip to me.

 

the problem is I don't believe him when he insists he's totally over her. also, the sex we have isn't very good. we've hardly had any and it's never been great. I keep wondering if it's because he's not over her, maybe he isn't ready to sleep with someone else, or maybe he just isn't attracted to me. he tells me sex isn't all that important, and doesn't seem too worried about it, says it'll work out. but it doesn't help my paranoia.

 

I guess I want him to love me more than he ever loved her. is that possible after all that he's been through? and if you werw with a really beautiful woman and you thought she was the one, and then she leaves you and you are with a reasonably attractive person after that, can you ever feel as strongly?

 

sorry for the rambling. but it's on my mind all the time and I just wanted to get it off.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I guess I want him to love me more than he ever loved her. is that possible after all that he's been through? and if you werw with a really beautiful woman and you thought she was the one, and then she leaves you and you are with a reasonably attractive person after that, can you ever feel as strongly?

 

I'm recently divorced, and like your bf, I think my ex is a horrible person.

 

The answer to your question, is yes, it's possible. In fact, it will be even easier! Think about it. If you fell in love with someone, and then they later turned around and I don't know, destroyed your pokemon collection, you would be hurt badly. But then you met someone new, and were mindful of your baggage, and fell inlove with this person. Only instead of destroying your pokemons, they didn't, and perhaps they bought you a gold foiled pikachu. You would probably find that you were in deeper love with this person, than the person who wrecked your pokemon cards.

 

He might have some hesitations because he is afraid to get hurt again ( I know I have hesitations) but I know that after what I went through with my ex, having a normal, healthy partner would definitely make it easier to love someone.

 

For me, love and looks don't really have much to do with each other. Sure looks lead to that initial attraction, but thats only the very beginning stages of love.

 

Don't think of it as you being 2nd best. Think of her being the practice swing =)

[itsallgrand]

When I read this, I ignored the ex part bc it isn't all that relevent it seems.

 

What does seem relevent is:

-You have only been together 10 months, he was still angry and mourning when you got together, it is Long Distance, and the sex is not satisfactory to you.

There's plenty enough there to create a sense of insecurity in a relationship.

 

Forget about this second best business. There's no point comparing yourself to someone else.

 

Are there ways that the two of you could make this relationship better?

A quick example would be talking to him and telling his straight out "Sex is important to me. I would like for us to work on that together, because I love you and want us to have a fabulous sex life."

 

Focus on the Now instead of his past.

[Dako]

Lostinmythoughts echoes my reaction.

 

Women compare there looks to each other in ways men don't. He's seeing her through hypercritical eyes, and her appearance has to take the back seat to his pain.

[TheFallenShadow]

Also, dont let your insercurities drive you to think he is doing anything with his X, like say drive by the X's place and see his car there...it will happen especailly if they have children...there is always something going on with the children. As for your looks or comparing yourself to his X, dont do it, it will only drive you crazy, Besides she is his X for a reason.

[pudding]

well, thanks you guys. this helps so much. the ex incidentally lives ina different country and they are not in touch. and have no kids either. it's just the strong negative reactions that had me worried, and also on another forum, a few people violently said he can't be over he if he "hates" her so. I have to admit though that over the past few months, it seems to have changed just a tiny bit, in that he doesn't seem to care as much about stuff to do with her. it might be my imagination but he did eat that food one time somewhere a few weeks ago could also be a result of my going on and on about how he must not be over her

 

I admit a lot of the problems are on my side because I'm so bloody insecure about exes. always have been. and this is the first time I'm seeing a divorced guy.

 

thanks again.

[Momene]

She may be stunning but he's with you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[krnswte143]

hey.. i understand what your saying... im involved w/ a guy who has an ex girlfriend hanging around... they were never married cus they went out decades ago. anyways i know how u feel..feelin like 2nd best, feel like neglected knowing ur bf mite hav feelins for his ex.... i went through all those phrases of insecurities and paranoia. i am sometimes , honestly paranoid he mite get back w/ her or thinks shes more better than me in looks, personality.. n so on. sometimes i feel as if he is comparing me w/ her.

 

i'll tell u this.. i went through this for an year and it is not healhty for u and ur bf. u shouldnt feel this way when ur in a relationship w/ someone u love. ur suppose to hav trust,faith. i on other hand, trying to figure it out too.

 

ppl had told me not to worry cus hes w/ me n not her... so i'll tell u the same thing too.. hes w/ u now and not w/ her... maybe he still has feelings jammmed up in his mind, it takes a while to cope w/ the sorrow of pains.. im sayin this cus seem like they broke up not so long ago..

 

i say not to worry too much about it.. easier said than done.. but try to have more trust in ur relationship.. if u dont... it wont work..

 

im having same problem too.. trying to rebuild trust.

Janella.