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What's The Point If I'm Terminally Ill? (*Bipolar Delusion*)

AntiLove_SuperStar

By AntiLove_SuperStar
in Emotions and Feelings

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AntiLove_SuperStar Veteran

AntiLove_SuperStar

Posted
Posted

Hello all,

 

A couple of recent, flowing events have lead me to vent out on here, maybe garner some feedback from individuals who have experience of the same. Or anyone, actually. All comments welcomed.

 

I recently posted about Somatization disorder. The essense of my post was that I regularly have/have had vague, on/off symptoms such as aches, pains, IBS, etc as well as more concrete ones such as Bipolar Disorder, PCOS and recurrant cystitis over the past 2 years or so.

 

My bipolar disorder is sometimes psychotic/delusional in nature, and it's this I'm currently trying to fight off.

 

I'm not sure how it came up, but my boyfriend casually remarked as he was cooking dinner two weeks ago how I seemed "very ill mentally" sometimes, and as though my connection with reality was disturbed. I remember, we'd had a conversation about my a) distorted body image and b) my fairly recent delusion alien invasion was imminent (wow, that was a fun one...kept awake for hours, etc).

 

I probably agreed. But it seemed pertinent to what developed the week after. Mid-length story short, the sick part of me - I'd say around 80% - is convinced I am terminally ill with vCJD, the human form of mad cow disease. I notice every twitch/spasm in my body, any memory lapses, any slight imbalances when moving (lack of balance is one of first physical signs...I have of course thoroughly researched it.)

 

I recently received a letter from my shrink asking me to see him for a checkup, basically, in December.

 

My thinking is now that if I'm not immobile with 4 months to live by then, I'll go. If I can't, I won't anyway, because I won't be able to.

 

The remaining 20% knows I'm not sick. Well, I *think* I'm not. I don't KNOW. I have this feeling it's yet another delusion, but I am rapidly becoming uncertain.

 

To say I have signs of diminished brain function doesn't even seem viable to me, owing to my high A on my first Sociology assignment of this year. And the fact that I breezed through a test today, writing longhand 4 sides in 65 minutes.

 

Yet all the while, about 50+% of the time, I obsessively think I shall soon die. Needless to say, the sheer panic *does* induce twitches, as someone having a panic attack would experience.

 

I am so .. tired of all this.

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InaneCathode Proficient

InaneCathode

Posted
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*puts on stupid hat and coke bottle glasses*

 

Seems to me like you have terminally overactive imagination. I'm sure theres some modern psychobabble word for it.

 

*stupid hat off, glasses off*

 

You sound like i used to be (albeit more extreme) where i couldnt shut my brain off, so i'd end up in circular thoughts and paranoid/hypochondriac behaviours. (Once i couldnt sleep because i couldnt rid myself of the thought of someone looking in my window. Obviously there probably isnt but.. what if there WAS)

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Dako Grand Master

Dako

Posted
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AL

 

A few times in the past two years I was sure I had cancer, but my doc or a vanishing symptom changed my mind. Looking up symptoms on the web was futile, since it never gives an exact diagnosis. I resolved that I'll get shot by a jealous husband, so I stopped worrying.

I think it's normal to rationalize our fate to feel in control.

 

If your brain has gone all spongiform, I see no evidence.

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Shadows Light Veteran

Shadows Light

Posted
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{{{{{{{{{HUGS SWEETIE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

We're all dying... the minute we took that first breath and started on this journey... well... "no one gets out alive"

 

Aliens eh??? whooo hoooo... have you tried writing? Steven K.ing has made ooodles and poodles of dough from his... wandering meandering thoughts.

 

Ever do any reading about INDIGO CHILDREN? Very very very intelligent children who are being treated for ADD, ADHD, Hyperactivity, Bi-polar, etc..... good read.

 

YOU are fine!!! if you feel itchy and twitchy... call that shrink back and up the appointment.

 

You could be cycling because our seasons are in flux and changing. So you just need to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm.

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Daligal83 Mentor

Daligal83

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Hey, I don't know if this will actually help, but if you had vCJD you'd definitely know it. My cousin passed away from it last year so I know all the symptoms. If you had this, you wouldn't be able to function cognitively and you obviously are. It's a very rapid disease and there's no way that you wouldn't notice it.

 

You should be proud of yourself that part of you realizes that this is from your Bipolar Disorder. Most people in a manic stage cannot tell fantasy from reality whatsoever, so that is extremely impressive that you can.

 

I hope you feel better soon

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jilligirl Community Regular

jilligirl

Posted
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i knew someone who had CJD. if you have it, expect your symptoms to come on strong and fast. i mean the guy i knew died within 2 months, or so, of getting his first symptom.

 

if you have it, then, you'll KNOW.

 

ever since then (he died) i stopped eating beef (b/c i have a fear of getting CJD). that was 2.5 years ago, and i'm still beef-free. chicken is next on my list.

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AwdreeHpburn Grand Master

AwdreeHpburn

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ohmigoodness!!!

 

I am convinced I am to die of MS like my grandfather did. Every ache and sore muscle is just anoter sure sign. My husband thinks I'm a kook but it's there.

 

Anti - I think those "delusions of paranoia" are in us all. Maybe some have them more frequently maybe some stronger than others but I think they are normal fears.

 

I really hate that you suffer and struggle as you do. I wish there was more our scientific community knew about the brain so we could work on better treating or curing such things....

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itsallgrand Grand Master

itsallgrand

Posted
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AL,

 

You're in my thoughts. I hope you are feeling a little bit better by the time you read this.

 

When my paranoia and such starts acting up I usually become convinced that I am Pregnant. Doesn't matter if I haven't had sex for ages, or if I am having my period as these thoughts occur...I feel totally convinced.

 

The only thing for me at times like that is listening to Chopin and focusing in on the notes. I don't know of studies done or not done about this, but classical music relaxs my brain somehow. Like a bath for my brain.

 

take care

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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well.... some people gain weight on meds, others don't. it really depends. yeah, I gained weight on meds, but I also wasn't watching what I ate - I had chinese food, pastries, burgers everyday.... so I don't think it was the meds that did it 100% for me.

 

I would talk to your doctor and relay your fears. there may be meds out there that will not make you gain weight. as long as you are careful about what you are eating, you should't gain. I know others who were on meds who either didn't gain, or even lost a few pounds.

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  • 2 years later...
Hope75 Grand Master

Hope75

Posted
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hi i am also suffering from delusions/paranoai of having head lice and parasites! I know it sounds nuts and I make my brother check me every day and NO i don't do drugs or drink I just get delusional. Do you have any suggestions?

 

This thread is 3 years old, why not start your own thread and you might get more replies and advice?

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