Boyfriend back in Picture after 25 years

[Beec]

hammer, go and find a divorce lawyer and speak with him or her. Women are often good divorce lawyers for men. Get some advice, and figure out how to do what you need to do. I could tell you to change the locks or put one on your bedroom door, but it may not be good advice.

[hammer]

She has FINALLY left, she packed up two bags, 1 for the weekend away and another full of stuff to stay away for a lengthy period of time. The unfortunate part is she left her vehilce at home and has to come by Sunday to pick it up, I honestly think that she plans on staying after her weekend away, as the 2nd bag is a "just in case" bag.

 

Before she left, she said to me "let's have sex I last time, just for memories sake" I walked out as I said my son is at his Hockey game and that is far more important to me right now than having sex with you.

 

She had left early this morning and we had hugged and said "goodbye", I had reminded her of things in the past which was "huge baggage" that she came to the relationship with, I accepted those things 18 years ago and never brought it up once in the last 18 years except for this morning. I told her I had to bring these things up to prove that I had forgiven way back then, and never mentioned it again. However, her whole life is living in the past and reminding me of all the so called "mistakes and problems" that I have created and continues to throw them back in my face day in and day out.

 

I have been to lawyer, and a very good one. I have all my back up plans in place, "Lawyer, Secondary Bank accounts (ready to go), Credit cards have all been cancelled, Real Estate Agent, Insurance Company, Temporary living quarters for me and the kids, spoke to kids teachers in case they wonder why are kids grades are slipping" I have all the info ready to go when I feel it is time to "turn on the switch" and move forward ALONE.

[Beec]

hammer, you sound like you are prepared to do what you need to do and it also sounds like you are not being influenced by what she does. In other words, she has lost or is losing you, and I think she might see that in your actions, i.e. how you treat her.

 

I don't know what else to tell you, because the one other thing that comes through is you still seem to have some desire also to keep it together. You would not mention the ancient baggage and how you forgot unless you were in some way rying to convince her that she is screwing up.

 

Hope this works out for you. I don't know what she will want when she comes home. I think you need to have some idea in your head about what you want to do if she says she wants to stay. What are the rules? What do you require? I could give you some suggestions, but most of those I think you need to make up on your own.

[hammer]

Latest UPDATE ...... I made arrangements for my wifes vehicle not to be at home when she came back from her weekend away. She had already packed a second suitcase planning to stay elsewhere, prior to going away on the weekend. But her idea was to come home after this weekend.

 

I sent her text message stating her vehicle and luggage were in her vehicle parked at a certain parking lot in town. I also took it upon myself to change the door locks over the weekend (which I know is not legally right) but I did it anyway.

 

Lo & behold she had shown up with the local law enforcement last nite, as she could not get into the house. The Police insisted that she go in a get a few more things, which I did let her do. (all she grapped was a coat & a pair of shoew) However, the police also insisted that she get a key.

 

Any possible repsect the children still had for her after her trip overseas to see her BF recently, was shattered last nite after her actions with getting the Police involved. She tried to hug the kids "good-bye" and both of them walked away as they wanted nothing to do with her. She also said to them "I will call you tomorrow." My oldest replied "Don't bother as we don't want to talk to you."

 

After she had left, both kids said to me, "if she tries to come back, that they will move out with me and live anywhere but here with her".

[Beec]

Hammer,

 

I do not agree with what your wife has done, and it is clear that your kids agree with me. Your wife acted stupidly and irresponsibly, and your kids blame her for breaking up your family and home. I won't say they are wrong, but I also only know your story, not your wife's, and she might have a long tale to tell me about how she got to where she is now.

 

I don't want you to think that you should influence them to think otherwise. But I also think you should discourage them from openly taking your side. They are her children, and I know she is probably very hurt by how she was treated by them. Maybe she will wake up and realize that her whole life is gone by being stupid and foolish and beg to come back. I don't know how you would react in that case. I kind of hope she would get to come back, but I also know that it would be very difficult. Soon, maybe not now, you should talk to your kids and tell them to keep out of the discussions and everything between you and your wife. She's still their mother, so they need to have some relationship.

 

Otherwise, it sounds very much like you are doing what you need to do.

 

Hang in there.

[hammer]

True enough 2 sides to each story ..... however going back to my original post, she may say that "i drove her to having an affair" ..... possibly true, but according to my cousellor, there are many things that can be done instead of having an affair (mind you she has done this twice now) go on shopping spree, buy a new car, go on a week long trip, leave for awhile, redecotrate a room, get plastic surgery.

 

Sour realtionships effect all types of people in many different ways, the unfortunate part is the recourse she had taken was the worst choice.

 

I can honestly say that I took advantage of my position after she came back after the first affair, and I treated her that I had upper hand. I have realized that didn't work.

[Beec]

No excuse for her, from what I know I do blame her. If she wanted to have an affair, she should have left you first. I know that she would probably jutify things, but I also don't think it can be. However, I would also tell you that her feelings did not get to where she was overnight. But, that's neither her nor there right now.

 

I would be concerned over time for your kids and want them to have a decent relationship with her. And that was my concern. You should soon tell your kids to stay out of the battles between you and your wife. Your kids won't warm up to her quickly, but I would ask them to be pleasant toward her soon.

 

I know of too many people who got their kids in the middle of their divorces. To some extent that's not avoidable, but it should be minimized.

[hammer]

I agree, my kids have been exposed to this crisis too much. However, the start to her affair overseas was done right in front of my childrens eyes. She did not hide it from them and made no attempt to keep it a secret.

 

That is why they are so disgruntled towards her, as they have seen the person she was with, and didn;t like it then. She has not hid it from them the constant communication with him either. They know why she went back overseas 2 weeks ago for 5 days ..... it wasn't for a holiday in there mind.

 

They have their own opinion and view, they see her as the "homewrecker" based on her original actions and she has done nothing to stop. That is what they truly see, they see I have changed and tried to forgive and make it work. They see her ignoring my changes and treating me in a negative manner.

[Beec]

I'm not questioning how they got to feel how they do, and I don't think for an instant that you can change how they feel. How they feel will change over time, as the gradually come to accept what has happened and it becomes an item in their history.

 

I do think that for your kids own good, they need to have a decent relationship with their mother. Your daughter is 11, and she has a lot fo things she will be going through over the next dozen years. If she can somewhat reconcile with your wife, and have her to talk about, things are going to be easier and better for your daughter.

 

I just think that your role as their father, as a MAN, includes making sure they stay out of this fight and have as good a relationship with their mother as possible. Requiring them to be civil with her, maybe not yet but soon, will be a first step. And I think you are getting to a point at which you are fairly healthy. I would bet that given the chance to take back your wife, you would be reluctant. It's too far gone for you to reconcile with her as husband and wife. But she will also be the mother of your children, and they, esp. your daughter, is probably going to need her someday.

[hammer]

I will agree that my daughter will need her mother as she grows into a teenager and onwards, my daughter & I have always been close, and my son & the mother having always been close.

 

My son has closed the door on his mother totally, and has been confiding with me instead. I do know that he and his mother always had "little chats". My wife even told me that "him turning his back on her, has been the most hurtful thing yet" .... but she is not doing anything to fix it either.

 

Sometimes I wish I could wake up and have her and the last 18 years erased from my memeory, then there are other times I wish we could just start off fresh and learn from all of the mistakes we made together.

 

I do agree that I have finally reached the "let go" point. In the beginning I was a thousand steps behind her in this crisis and found this whole thing as a shock. But I have caught up to her in a mental persepctive and I am "playing hardball" instead of trying to "kiss up to her" ........ so to speak.

[Beec]

Well, from what you have written here, I will not say she does not deserve it, but, I also think what I do about your children needing as good a relationship as possible with your wife. I don't really have much sympathy for your wife, and the atttitude she is receiving from your children is probably well-deserved. She was not thinking of them, not thinking of you, not thinking of anyone but herself when she decided to cheat. She has hurt every one in your family, and it seems that your kids know that and blame her for it, and I cannot fault them for doing so. I also know that you don't need them fight against her, you just need them to support and care about you, and I don't think they will do any different. Sometime soon, when one of them is hard on her, I'd tell them not to get in the middle of your differences with her. I think by that you'll also be setting a great example about being an adult, which you wife was unable or unwilling to do. Your kids needs that kind of an example.

 

When you can do this, you'll be pretty far along to being able to start something fresh. It may or may not happen, but you'll be at a point when it can happen for you.

[hammer]

Without my knowing, my daughter has sent my wife an e-mail stating how disappointed she is with all of her all her actions. I guess my wife is just devestated as she is more of a "visual person" than "audio person." And the e-mail apparently hit her right between the eyes.

 

Once again though, I get the blame as she feels that I have corrupted the children and filled their heads with hatred towards her. I told her she did that on her own and did not need my help to accomplish that.

 

I have no idea how long she is gone for, but made the comment .... I need to be with the kids. All I said was, let the kids decide who they want to be with, as they have already said if she comes back that they will go wherever they have to as long as they don't ahve to be here with her.

 

I am actually making a list of stuff that needs to be divided ... furniture etc .... hardest thing I have ever done as it signifies the end. It is very difficult as of every thing I look at, I can remember when we purchased and so on. Never realized that each piece of furntiutre signifies soemthing and somewhere. Strange

 

Why is it so hard to let go, I still have feelings and love for her, or is that I think I do becasue I don't want to let go??

 

Very very confused.

[Beec]

You are not going to be able to go through this without emotion, and I know you know that is the case. You probably have a number of emotions that go and will go through you as you go through this process. Of course, you feel anger and betrayal for what she has done, as do your children. You are going to feel some grief because of what you have lost and also for the loss of what you thought you were going to have as you got older together. You are also going to have good memories, times you spent together when you felt great, special times, significant moments, etc., and those are going bring good feelings up with them.

 

I recently moved my stuff from my bachelor pad. While doing so, I encountered jars of brandied pears that I made with an ex. We made them shortly before I broke it off. Now, I don't want her back, I have not seen her since 2002, have not spoken with her in a couple years, and have not exchanged any emails or other correspondence in months. We both sent a couple emails with birthday greeting and nothing much else early this year. But, as I came accross those pears, I had good memories, I wanted to still sit down with her and share them, but that's not going to happen, I'm with and intend to be with someone else. I felt some loss of the chance to share those pears with the ex, but that's probably nothing compared to what you will feel as you had soemthing you felt was much mroe significant with your wife, she was a wife, not just a girlfriend.

 

I still care about my ex, I still want the best for her, I still in some way may have feelings of love for her, but I am not in love with her. Hopefully, you will get to have those feelings for your wife, and the anger will die down somewhat. But, I am sure that it will take a while.

[hammer]

My wife called me yesterday and said she has been in contact with her lawyer and wants to move forward with the "legal Seperation". However when she called me and told me this she was crying her eyes out saying she can't do it. This is 3rd time she has called her lawyer in the last 11 weeks to procede to the next step, but always changes her mind.

 

I told her that she needs pure "alone time" firstly to find out what she wants and secondly to heal. If she keeps on reniging, it clearly shows that she still has feelings in this relationship.

 

I have tried my best to be strong, I had my regular appt. with my Counsellor yesterday and updated her on the situation. I asked about her not being able to go through with it.......she said "She has seen It happen all the time, and still feels there is a very slight chance of reconcilliation."

 

Her advice was "Give her the alone time she needs, with No Communication.....even if she tries to call or e-mail do not reply unless it is absolutely necessary, unless it is regarding finances or the children, encourage the children to call her and be with her, do not smother her with .... I Love you's and I Miss you's"

 

For whatever reason, my wife is still reluctant to go to joint marriage couselling? My counsellor claims "It is becasue she is afraid to face the truth, as my wife feels that she has been short changed in this relationship, and is afraid to face the truth that the problems have been equally spread between the two us. She is afraid to face the problems that made me treat her the way I did." In the end she said "The truth really does hurt, and that Is what she really is afraid of, as she has continued to relive in the bad moments in the realtionship and not cherish the good moments."

 

I am going to do my absolute best to have "No Communication" and let her have the time she needs.

 

The unfortuntate part is she has 6 sisters, which are all older and everyone of them want to "be the mother" as her mother past away when she was very young. When I married her, I did not marry her .... I married her plus 6 sisters, that has definetly been a big problem over the years in our realtionship as well. Their outside influences during this whole situation have not done us anygood. As my wife only "ran to them" when we had problems, so her sisters only know me as the "bad guy" as they have always heard negative things about our relationship and have never heard the positive things.

[Beec]

If your wife wants to come back at anytime, there is no reason that she cannot try to do it. The only reason such an attempt might not be successful is that she fails to get you to agree.

 

So now, you have two possible things going on. Move forward with the seperation and/or divorce, and/or think about some reconciliation. I think your best move is to still act like you are moving forward. If you let her wait and mull things over, and let her know she can come back, then she is likely to want and wait and wait, because she is not going to be movitated by the "want what you cannot have" ideas. If she is convinced she is losing you, then she may be motivated to try and keep you. And, fi you go through with a divorce, and it is five years from now, and she wants you back, then she can try.

 

Yes, she probably does not want to face the truth. You let her investigate the idea she would leave you, you let her basically betray you, and she seemingly did it with little consequence, so she probably thought it was not all that wrong. Now, she is getting it slammed in her face and does not like what she sees.

 

As far as her sisters, when women talk with each other about problems, they tend to empathsize, not try to solve the problems or even be critical, as men will. A woman comes home stressed out from her day, and she wants to talk with her husband abouther problems, but does not often want him to do what guys do when contrfonted with problems, which is try to solve them. Women when talking to other women tend to get mroe empathy. I don't know that many women who would empathsize with cheating though. I've seen many women here and elsewhere jump all over other women who cheat. Women who are empathsizing also tend to agree that the problems are not the complaining woman's fault, which is why you feel like you have been dragged through the mud.

 

The only other thing I can suggest to you is to set conditions and have yours in mind, for if and when your wife tries to come back. You can let her know you'd be willing to talk about it now, but I would not let her know the conditions. And they should be your conditions, not mine, but I also think that the conditions should send a clear message. In your shows, my conditions might include making her take a testto see if she is HIV positive, and test for some other STDs. She may be humiliated, but haven't you been. I may tell her she has to sleep in some toher room for a while, too. I would think she'd have to earn her way back into my bed, or at least she would have to show some effort to stick before she got there. You should let thoughts like these tumble around in the recesses of your mind.

 

Otherwise, I agree with your counselor. No "I love" or "miss you"s, and I would encourage your children to be with and talk to her. You do not want her coming back only because she misses her children.

[hammer]

I don't hink I am mentally strong enugh right now to proceed with Seperation or Divorce. Yes, I will agree that I have someone stopped her from going through with it yesterday.

 

My comment to her was after she called me in reggards to her contact with her lawyer "If you are crying and finding it so hard to do, Whay are you doing it?" She then said, Just give me time then.

 

One of her girlfriends had called me last nite also (as she has know us before we were married) she had told me that my wife has been keeping her upto date with all this stuff, but understands that there is 2 sides to each storey.

 

Her friend was unaware of the affair my wife had 7 years ago, and said "that is a whole different persepctive on this current situation."

 

She also was unaware of the amount of times I had encouraged my wife to leave and get the "alone time" she has been asking for. My wife had told her that I would never let her leave ...... that is so untrue, as in the early stages of this crisis I was the one that had left for a few weeks, and she was not willing to co-operate and take her time to leave as we both wanted to be around the kids. That is why I went back, as she refused to budge on trying to work on a so called "time sharing plan" with the kids. It was an all or nothing attitude she had.

 

Her friend was also told by her that the 2nd affair was not the problem, the problem started way before that. That I don't get. I think the affair si the root of the problem here, and that is what the kids believe also, becasue they seen her actions personally when she was with this guy, that is what is iembedded in their mind.

 

I have not had any communication with her at all so far today, not has she tried either..... which is good. No new is good news I guess.

 

Beec ....... I really to appreciate your input and advice as you have been following my crisis right from the beginning. I don't know you, but I feel that I really DO. Thank you very much.

[Beec]

Thanks hammer and you're welcome. I started posting here because I realized I could write about and describe some things AND because I had questions about the relationship I was in. I also began to read and question some of the ideas I had, and my ideas about relationships changed, A LOT. It was weird in that the things I did when things worked for me coincided with what I now believe, but that sometimes I would do other things. People suggest often that one should just be able to tell your partner what they want and things either work out or they don't, and I think that is naive. When dogs want attention, they walk up wagging their tails and ask for it. People are much more complicated than that. We don't always ask for what we want or really want what we ask for. Figuring out what went wrong and when in your wife's view is an exercise in forensically examining what has happened. It's not so simple, and I don't quite know if you should be doing it now.

 

This friend of yours who has known both of you for a long time is probably someone you should be talking to once in a while to get what your wife feels went wrong and when. She can be a little like a spy getting inside information. At the same time, expect that she is a double agent. Be careful what information you feed her to be sent back to your wife.

 

If you want to do some forensic examination, then I am probably going to suggest you begin reading some things. As you read, don't being to act on the things you read, don't go out and act based on what you read right away. You need to keep on the same road you are on for the most part and adjust slowly. Be warned, it may not feel good to do the forensic examination.

 

One thing I see in some of your comments is that it might be that you gave your wife everything she seemed to want, when in some instances she wanted to be told "No" by you. When you have been hard on her recently, she seems to have responded in what might be a positive way. Women test men all the time, and they don't always want us to give in, just as your children should not be given everything for which they ask.

 

Hang in there.

[hammer]

The NC has been working out OK, she showed up last nite at my son's hocley game and wanted to pretend nothing was wrong in front of the other hockey parents as moany of them are our mutual friends. I am past the point of "hiding it" as I was embasrrassed at first and then felt it was a real set back in my life as I did not wan to promote the "seperation."

 

HAd appointment with family DR yesterday, family DR. only had her side of the story, Dr. was absolutely disgusted once she had found out that she issued a "sick note" for my wife a few weeks ago, She found ou t the truth yesterday when I told her that she wasn't really sick and had flown overseas to see the BF, as she had no more vaction time left.

 

She wants to come home this weekend to spend time with the kids, I told her will make plans for myself ...... BUt she can not plan to stay over.

[Beec]

hammer, you have reached a point at which you realize that nothing you did justified what she did. I am not telling you that you did not make mistakes, because you probably did. But no matter what awful sins you committed against her, it does not and cannot justify her cheating.

 

She is the one who is beginning to be embarrassed, because she is beginning to understand that too.

[hammer]

Well in the lst few weeks things have moved at a rapid pace, as my ex is standing still.

 

Our house is now for sale, I have bought a house, I have been to lawyer and have proceeded with leagal separtation.

 

SHe honestly was hoping that she would stand there and watch me crumble, I have now surpassed her and am moving forward, she is devastated to see me "get on with my life" as I honestly believe she was waiting for me to be down and out and worthless and heartbroken.

 

She is truly Beside herself right now ....... every step I take forward is a step further away from the hurt she had inflicted upon and still tries to. I am past that now, and am the stonger one for my kids and myself, there are many tough days. But I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel as all the smoke is clearing quickly.

[papalazarou]

Tell you what Hammer. You have been an inspiration. I bet its been tough but my god you raised to the challenge.

 

Well done sir!

[Beec]

Good stuff hammer, very good stuff to hear. Glad to know that you have really begun to pick up the pieces and gain back your strength. The days will still come, but don't let them keep you down.