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Boyfriend back in Picture after 25 years


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My wife and I have been married for 18 years, she had immigrated to Canada when she was 14 and left behind a 14 year old BF. (If I recall, when I was 14 I went through GF's by the week, day or somethimes hour) My oldest is 14 right now and I see how many GF'S he and his friends go through.

 

 

We had a family holiday back in her home country 3000 miles away this past summer. Due to my work schedule I was only able to stay for 2 wks and she and the kids stayed for 3wks. She had pre-planned to meet her old boyfriend (who is also married with kids) during the 3rd wk. She actually abandonded our children at a realtives house in that country for 4 days so she could be with her BF. When she came home to Canada, I had sensed something immediatley the day I picked her and kids up from airport. From that day forward it has been downhill rapidly, over the last 2 months her and her BF have text message over 400 times, sent numerous e-mails and talk ont he home telephone. My children are at an age where they have there own views and opinions, they had told me that the did not like what they had seen their Mom doing the last week on holiday.

 

Her ex-boyfriend was in the early stages of leaving his wife when my wife had met up with him, I have seen the text messages and e-mails he had sent to her, he is planning to come to Canada and plan to live happily ever after with my wife ..... and she was encouraging him and falling for all of this Bulls**t.

 

My wife keep's asking herself "what if" she never immigrated to Canada 25 years ago, "what if" he is truly my soulmate", My wife has asked me to leave, as she honestly believed that her and the kids and the BF would live happily ever after. I felt I have done nothing wrong and have asked her to leave instead, my children have been supporting me and have also agreed that she is the one that caused our realtionship troubles. I do realize that after 18 years of marraige, that I had taken many things for granted, the affection, the sponataneous dating and making extra efforts to please or make her happy had fallen to the wayside. I just always assumed that we would always be married and that was that. Oh, How I was wrong.

 

I love my wife dearly and I am having great difficulty of "letting go", I have offered to send her back to her homeland and to see if "ex BF" is what really want she wants, or was she just "wowed" by him after all these years. SHe did go back there last week, she has decided he is not the one, but still has not told me "I am the one" either. She is in a major state of depression, not sure if it is that she has realized that it could never work between them?? She wants more time to think and wants me to leave. I have refused to leave, My kids are sticking by me and want her to leave. She is now claiming, that if she leaves it is not fair as she had everything and now has nothing. As I have told her, my kids see her as the one that has abandoned them and tried to get away from this marriage, they see that I am trying to mend it and she has not put forth any effort to make it work.

 

AM I an idiot for trying to make this work? I am actually at a point right now that I want her to leave, as I know the kids are with me and she will have to live with her decisions for the rest of her life, and I know for a fact that is very painful for her that the kids are not running to her instead.

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Welcome to Enotalone!

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. This must hurt really deep. What about marriage counseling?

 

Shes in love with a memory. Who we are at 14 is not who we are 25 years later. Lets face it ..... she doesnt really know him at all.

 

I dont think your an idiot for trying to make it work at all. Good luck to you friend, feel free to keep posting. I think youll find people here to be caring and able to give you support in whatever happens from now on with this.

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Welcome, to enotalone. Sorry to hear about what you are going through, and if I am harsh, my intent is to help.

 

Frankly, I'd ask her to leave. She is walking all over you, showing you a tremendous lack of resepct, and if you don't demand respect for yourself, shown to you and in front of your children, you have nothing worth saving in your relationship. Whether she physically cheated or not, you cannot act as if your name is "Mat" and you are lying in front of her door. She has been walking and stomping on your heart without consideration for how you feel.

 

She needs to know, and should know that the way she has acted is simply not acceptable and has risked losing you, not the other way around. No one should allow themselves to be treated in this manner. Pack up some close for her, put her toiletries in a bag and show her the door. Maybe then she will want to come back to you, and then, that's your choice as to what you do, but if you do not stand up for yourself, you have NOTHING.

 

Good luck. Be strong.

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No you are not an idiot. She is your wife and you built a life together. It is only normal to want restoration.

 

First can you forgive her? Examine your heart are you going to be able to put what she has done behind you and move forward and genuinely forgive her or will it be something that gets brought up during other turmoil?

 

If you believe you can forgive her I think it is key that you seek counseling. This will enable you to begin to heal and hopefully will help her to work through her issues. Of course this hinges on her willingness.

 

Regardless of the outcome of your marriage in my opinion the most important thing is that you encourage your children to have a healthy relationship with their mom. As difficult as this might be since they have been exposed to her conduct, it is so important. They will identify with both parents even if they hate what she has done.

 

My children would come home and tell me lovely stories of all the fun things they did with Daddy. Playing at the park, antiquing, jogging, bike riding, watching moives and so on. All of the things we had enjoyed doing as a whole family. Things that I still missed and desired. I would smile, laugh, pretend that it sounded wonderful. Then I would go to my room have a good cry. I had to fake it till I made it to the place I am now, I really am happy for him and want for him to have great life. He is their father and will always be and so I believe strongly facilitating a healthy relationship for them is powerful. My children have dealt with our sepreation far better then I ever anticpated first of all I have protected them by not allowing them to find out about his infidelity, I am sorry that your wife was not more careful about her actions, my children have not seen bitterness or malice either. I believe I have healed quicker as well by forgiving him.

 

I hope this makes some sense and hoping for the BEST for you and your family!

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We are both seeking individual counselling, I have suggested that we see joint marriage counsellor. SHe claims she is seeking couseling in order to figure out "what she wants." The part of this whole crisis that is so hard for me to understand is that my wife was always such a giving and caring person who aways but others first before herself. During these last 9 weeks, she has walked over everybody and anything to get want she thinks she wants. It is as if she has actually turned into a person that I don't even know.

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No you are not an idiot. She is your wife and you built a life together. It is only normal to want restoration.

 

First can you forgive her? Examine your heart are you going to be able to put what she has done behind you and move forward and genuinely forgive her or will it be something that gets brought up during other turmoil?

 

gnabna is right in both respects. If you will not be able to forgive her, end it. If you are married five years from now and have not forgiven her, you have simply delayed the inevitable.

 

Also, your desire to have her and your marriage is normal. When she threatened to make it disappear, you tried to pull it back. Quite normal, but it also allowed her to keep pulling away, and it is also allowing her to treat you with little respect. You're not unusual in how you feel, but if she comes back,how will you then feel?

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If she were to come back and say "let's try to make it work" , my natural instinct is to be cautious, but also to make her "pay" for her actions, as I am full of anger and bitterness right now. I do realize if I was to agree to reconcilliation with an "I have the upper hand" attitude, it will never work. This is what I am trying to deal with and understand in recent counselling sessions at the present moment.

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Hey Hammer - sorry for the terms that brought you here.

 

Sounds to me like one of those times in life they used to call a mid-life crisis.

 

If she's just looking to shake up the routine of things, add a little spice to life, or recapture a past time, it will be short lived.

 

I think its really cool that you offered to let her investiage the possibilities. And talking to someone professionaly is also a good idea.

 

Sounds like you're on a good path. I personally just want to let you know that I'll be here to listen to through the hard parts. Keep us posted on your progress.

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I appreciate all of the feedback I have received from all of you folks just within the last hour. I offered and DID send her back to her homeland for 5 days mainly to prove to her that she "fell in LOVE with a moment", as 42 year old male, I am positive that her BF used all the key words and little saying to make her feel sorry for him about his marriage woes he was experieincing, and then told her everything that he thought she needed to hear. For example, I never stopped thinking of you, I missed you, blah blah blah. He actually sent her home with 2 homemade CD's that he personally made for her. 1 of the CD's consisted of 18 "break up" songs. The other CD was a compliation of 18 love songs, (where you could substitute the BF) as it were him or his feelings. I stumbled accross these as they were in her vehicle CD player.

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It may be those lines, and it also probably has much to do with the very fact that she feels can take you for granted. We want what we cannot have, when she has had you for many years, you become easy to take for granted. If you want to avoid this, then you need to be in the habit of creating tension or allowing some tension to develop and then releasing the tension. If you can imagine back to one of your first dates, thinkabout the nervous energy, the butterflies, that was tension. And if you imagine how you felt when a date responded to your first attempt to kiss her, that is release.

 

Another part of it is very likely to have to do with what she left behind. She has to have some attachment to her original home and the thought of returning to that life she passed up and wondering how it would have turned out. Because she really cannot have it, she probably is motivated to want it.

 

I see no other way for you to deal with things other than to ask her to make up her mind, NOW, or leave. Make her feel the tension.

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Here's yet another reason why I, as a virgin who has never had a girlfriend, should never date a girl with more experience. It will just lead to heartbreak and situations like yours.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about it. I agree with Beec, you HAVE to put your foot down, no matter how much you love her. She is treating you and your kids like doormats. I totally disagree with those who said "forgive her". Until she realizes and apologizes for her mistakes, the question of forgiving doesn't even arise. And even then, if I were in your position I would never forgive her.

 

Where is the BF's wife in all this? Does she know what's going on?

 

By the way, I don't think it was 'cool' for you to let her experiment with meeting the BF. Would she ever let you experiment with a GF? Probably not. Kick her out by the wayside.

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I was unaware of the intial meeting with the boyfriend, as I was back in Canada. She had pre-planeed this as she had seen his name on Classmates and got in contact with him prior to our trip. All of this info came out after she came home.

 

The second visit was my idea, as I was tired of being treated like a "punching bag" as she was texting & e-mailing him, but still living in the same house with me. Eventually I had said to her, a decision has to be made .... and that is why i sent her back. She realizes that it will not work out between them, as she knows she will not be able to take the kids out of the country without my written consent. (I have hid their passports, as a matter of fact). I needed to move on also, as I decided I was not going to be influenced by her "dangling a carrot" in front of me.

 

His wife is aware, but she is so nieave that she doesn't want to believe it, as she has been spoon-fed by this guy her whole life. He has controlled her as he is in the British Army and made her live on numerous Army bases and has never exposed her to the outside world. Her only friends are other people within the Army Bases.

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First off, I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through this. Hang in there.

 

As for the part where you said your wife was acting like an entirely different person recently... well, she was probably acting under the influence of very powerful hormonal reactions, which are about as good as drugs in this situation. Here are some relevant articles from Psychology Today about research done by Dr. Nancy Kalish:

 

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My humble opinion, under these circumstances, is to work on slowly and carefully rebuilding trust in your relationship with her. Once that's in place, it will be easier to decide whether to stay or go, and it will make either decision go down more smoothly.

 

Best wishes.

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im so sorry for your pain..

 

my ex left me after 11yrs for his first love of 24yrs ago..he left sixmonths ago..moved in with her and they are now planning on marrying..

 

i hope it all works out for you..i dont really know what to say as my situation as turned out completely different.

 

good luck in your future..and keep posting

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From what I understand the BF has 2 years left in the British Army to quailify for full pension, according to my lawyer if he was to leave 1 day prior to his 25 years of service, he gets NOTHING. He would be an absoloute moron to leave that behind. Even if he does stay inthe Army for 2 more years, it may take him another 2 years before he gets immigration status granted to him.

 

He plans on coming here at Christmas for 2 weeks. I have no idea where he plans on staying as he knows no one in this Country except for my wife. I have no idea what here plans are during his upcoming visit.

 

I have told her if she walks out the door to see him, she better have a good look at the door that she closes behind here as she will never get the opportunity to walk through it again.

 

AS my previous message stated, I had sent her back to her homeland to see if he was "the one fro her", I asked her this a.m. if BF had given her any money while she was there, as he should pay for the flight as she went their to see him. Also, BF should be dishing out extra cash for our phone bills as they have increased by $100.00 per month for home phone and her cell phone bill

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You need to tell her to make a choice. Put in her effort and time with you, or walk now, and if she means to do so, that's it, the ex-bf is done, cut off. Pack her bags or not. She seems to think that it is ok what she is doing, it's not. She needs to know it's not and that you won't get walked on, anymore.

 

You seem to be standing up for yourself. Keep it up.

 

And you really should adopt the attittude that any choice but you is a dumb choice if made by her. She's the one who is lucky to have you.

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Things have been going "OK" between the two of us since she got back home from her homeland (Monday Oct 9). I honestly believe in my heart and head is that she needs a roof over her head until he arrives at Christmas time. Christmas time has always been a very special tradition in our household with our family and kids, I think that is what is making her stay.

 

She does not seem to be putting forth the same effort of "making this work" as I have. If it does not work out, I know I can hold my head high and walk away from this realtionship knowing that I tried my absolute best to make it work. Thinking that all the time, is what is making it eeasy for me to slowly let go.

 

My motto to our children for anything they do, whether it be sports, school work, cleaning their rooms, etc. etc .........I have always said to them "EFFORT EQUALS RESULTS" if there is no effort or little effort, the result will show in the final outcome.

 

I feel like I am in a game show and I am on a timeline to "win her back" until he arrives at Christmas. She may tell him not to bother coming here (highly doubtful). No matter what though, I feel like that I automtaically qualify for "second place" as either she decides to be with him or she decides he's not the one. I look at it as "winning by default".

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I went away for the weekend with buddies golfing. On Friday a.m. she says have fun and I will see you Sunday nite, trying to have NC over the weekend.

 

Friday as we arrive at gold resort, she sends me text message stating that "Our relationship will never work as neither one of us will ever be able to trust each other" This threw my weekend of fun into a tailspin.

 

I called her, and said "Lets talk about this on Sunday, better yet, don't be there on Sunday when i get home." As she keeps saying she wants alone time, so If she was to leave she can have all the alone time she wants.

 

Sure enough I get home Sunday, she is still here, and refuses to leave because of the kids, The kids don't want her here either. We talk for awhile, she calls me evil, controlling and manipulative as I all did was ask her to leave.

She storms out yelling at the top of her lungs, that I am using the kids as pawns and I have turned them against her.

 

I went to bed at 10:00 pm. she comes in the room at 10:15 pm and wants to get intimate. I swear she has developed split personalities. I asked her to goto Dr. as bi-polar is evident in her family and I honestly think she needs to be looked at.

 

This is so confusing.

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I don't know what to tell you about that. It seems to me that her behavior is such that she is trying to control you. I don't think you can let this happen, or it will always work. People that get control by using emotional outbursts, will use them again.

 

One the other hand, I think you seemed to have stood up to her, and then she wanted to be intimate. Women may try to get control through emotional outbursts, but many of them don't want to succeed in getting sich control. They want to try and lose, and have the men not give in, and that oftentimes results in the women being turned on.

 

Women test men all the time, don't let her disrespect you, because that is failing the test.

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I have been told by others that they also see it as a control thing she is doing to me.

 

I can sense it myself, and that is the part I don't get, as I have alwasy been deemed a leader and have always been the one to control things ...... she claims I was in control of her. I beg to differ, as she did her own thing. She did not have to ask for my permission to go Grocery shopping or if she could take money out of the bank.

 

Her version of control must be different than they way I interpetit it than. I am doing my best for her not to be in control of me, but I want to do it in a fashion without arguing or fighting, as are communication has been good comparing to what it was a few weeks ago.

 

I do see light at the end of this soon, as she has just informed me that she has inquired at her personal counselor about "joint couseling" for the both of us. Which is a huge step as I have recommended thsi to her 10 weeks ago.

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You need not fight to not be controlled. You just have to refuse to do what it is she is trying tog et you to do. Being stoic and unyielding while saying nothing in response to a tantrum, that's refusing to yield control. The person who responds with yelling has been controlled by it, to some extent, but fighting is better than yielding, often.

 

Sometimes, yielding is the answer. The Tao De Ching has a story about monkeys and wanting different amounts of nuts in the morning and evening, and since the same amount of nuts will be given, it doesn't matter. However, when there is a struggle for power and the battle is not about a particular thing, but about who controls. She does not want you yielding to her either, so don't. Women don't want wussies, so don't jsut give in.

 

Hang in there.

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I can't tak the "off again, on again" games that she is playing with me. I have asked her to leave ........ as she is the one the claims she needs "time and space"

 

I told her she is the only one that wants the time and space, so leave then and take all the time and space you need. As she knows that I am more than capable of looking after the kids and looking after the house better than she can.

 

She said she will leave, but she is in no hurray of packing up.

 

I know she needs time, but I don't think I should leave as I feel she is the one that created this crisis. Me and the kids will be far better off with her gone. She is going away for the weekend with friends, but that is not enough time and space as she needs to identify being alone and nobody to talk too.

 

I am jsut tired off this. I really am.

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Now she refuses to leave, she is going away for the weekend, and say's she will see after her return from the weekend trip. I just want her gone, as this "back and forth" stuff is creating so much havoc for me and the kids, The kids want her to stay ONLY if she trys to put forth an effort to make things work. She has not done that at all, and the kids see that.

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